An Entirely Sober Note to Begin
MY REIGN OF TERROR My SFWA Presidency
First, a conversation between me and my daughter yesterday afternoon:
Athena: So, at midnight, you become King of the Geeks.
Me: No, sweetheart. I was democratically elected. I become President of the Geeks.
And so it is, more or less: As of midnight, I began my tenure as President of the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America. I’ll be so for a year, or until the space assassins get me, whichever comes first. And they won’t get me. One, I’m moved around a lot to keep the assassins on their toes. Two, SFWA Secret Service? Klingons, man.
For those of you who missed my earlier thoughts on being elected as SFWA President, and how I plan to balance that job with my public persona as, well, me, here’s a link to that piece. If you can’t be bothered to follow the link, the gist of it is a) I’m not going to talk about current SFWA business here, b) When I’m publicly speaking online as SFWA President I will do it at the SFWA blog, c) When I say anything here, I’m saying it as John Scalzi, private individual, not John Scalzi, SFWA President. I think it’s best to keep the two things separate to avoid any confusion.
That said, I know a lot of you are wondering what sort of perks the SFWA President gets, for, you know, being SFWA President. Well, as it happens, I happen to have here in front of me the Official SFWA President Perks List. It’s extensive, and I don’t want to bore you with all the details, but here are my ten favorites.
Top Ten Perks of Being SFWA President
10. Use of the company car, a 1973 AMC Gremlin, complete with Levi’s jean interior and state of the art 8-track sound system (note: 8-track cassette of ELP’s Tarkus album permanently stuck in player; have been advised by SFWA’s mechanic that removing it will cause car to explode)
9. Season Pass to Area 51, which is actually a top secret space-themed military amusement park
8. You can fondle the Nebulas all you want
7. 24/7 access to a wookiee costume
6. The secret recipe for SFWA’s official party drink, the “Roswell Incident”
5. Keys to the SFWA nuclear bunker outside of Ogallala, Nebraska, in case those madmen at Mystery Writers of America finally push us to DefCon 1
4. All the freeze-dried ice cream you can eat, thanks to an ill-advised NASA surplus purchase during the Williamson administration
3. U.S. Military allows each SFWA President one and only one use of the High Energy Space Laser, so before you annoy me, ask yourself if any of my other enemies have been recently and mysteriously reduced to ash, and if the answer is “no,” reconsider
2. 20% off all SFWA-branded merchandise
1. Any time you’re in LA? Smoothies with Harlan
That list is entirely true. Yes, I know, you’re jealous. You should be, my friend. You should be.