And Now, a Completely Context-Free Quote From My Wife

“I was just checking to see how my hand fit around your neck. It’s not like I was squeezing.”

52 Comments on “And Now, a Completely Context-Free Quote From My Wife”

  1. You don’t need to worry until you hear something like…

    1. John, try this and tell me if you taste anything funny.

    2. John, did you remember to mail you life insurance premium this month.

    3. Go in the garage and turn the car off, I left it running for the last hour.

  2. Agree with all of the above. I think it takes 8 lbs per square inch to occlude the carotid artery.

  3. I’m guessing the true context had something to do with an attempt to disprove Classy Freddie Blassie’s theory that she married a pencil-necked geek.

  4. You should fire her, or was this consensual? We need more context/video before rendering any decisions or judgments.

  5. KenS – Gulf Coast, Texas – Black powder rifle builder/competitor, SF reader, Chinese Tapestry Embroidery
    KenS

    Too good, DG, too good!

  6. Pffft.

    My wife says that all the time when I wake up and she’s got her hands around my neck. You’d think she’d have it figured out by now.

  7. Jason von Evil – I'm a 23 year old from Harrisonburg, Virginia. I hold no fancy degrees. As you can see below, I lean to the left. I believe strongly in secularism. My interest in politics and worldly events didn't start until I was about twenty. Admittedly, I did support the invasion of Iraq, based on the original premise, aswell as being an idiot back then. This support quickly eroded, then dissolved completely in a year.
    Jason

    And of course the Klingon’s aren’t going to help, they’re too intimidated by Krissy.

  8. @HGS #6, less to occlude the jugular veins. Wikipedia says 3.4N/cm^2, or 5 psi.

  9. pennlynn – I'm just me, and I'm also someone who has been cursed by being born with a facial difference and I struggle with this every day!! I'm hoping those who find this blog will be apart of my journey as I go though this life.
    Penny

    EPIC WIN on the part of Krissy!! Sorry John!

  10. You know what I think? I think she squeezed, then came here and posted as Scalzi, just so she could make it look like he was still alive. Yes, I believe a squoozing has occurred. You shall be missed, Mr. Scalzi.

  11. Dave H – I can see Canada from my house – Aging dad, electronics nerd, embedded software developer. (I'm the guy who makes your microwave blink 12:00.)
    Dave H

    “Maybe she just wanted to buy you a gift torc and was checking the size before ordering.”

    I was thinking a dog collar, myself.

    At least she wasn’t measuring you for a nose ring.

  12. changterhune – Before you hear lies from Chang Terhune himself, we thought we’d tell you the truth: without us, his old action figures, he’d be nowhere. He loved science fiction from way back and began reading it at an early age, but it was through us that he acted it all out. That’s what led to the writing. He watched a lot of science fiction shows like Star Trek, U.F.O, and movies, too. But we were always there to do his bidding. And it’s like they say: you always forget about the little people on your way up. Oh, the 70’s and early 80’s with him were good times! He’d use these blocks and make all the crazy buildings for us to be in his stories. I gotta say the kid’s imagination was pretty damn fertile. Oh, he had friends, but they just weren’t into it like him. He was like the Lance Armstrong of action figures. And of science fiction. At first, when he began writing in the eighth grade, we didn’t mind. He still made time for us. And we knew that when he was holding us in his sweaty little hands and he got that far off look in his eye, he’d come back to burying us in the back yard or - god forbid! – blowing us up with firecrackers. But it was worth it for a part in one of those stories. We loved him for it. He kept us around even when we were minus a leg or two - or even a head. In that mind of his, he found a use for all of us. Then he discovered girls. October, 1986. It was like the end of the world. One day we’re standing in the middle of this building block creation he’d pretended was some marble city on a planet near Alpha Centauri and the next we were stuck in a box in the closet. Not even a “See ya later!” Nope, it was into the closet, then we heard some high-pitched girly-giggles then silence. We didn’t see him for years. We got word about him once in a while. Heard he took up writing, but it was crap like “The Breakfast Club” only with better music. We couldn’t believe it. Not Charlie. What happened to those aliens with heads he’d sculpted out of wax? Spaceships? Those complex plots? All gone. For what? You guessed it: Girls. Emotions. “Serious fiction.” I tell you, it was like hearing Elvis had left the building. During our two decade exile in the closet, we heard other things about him. He went to college. He wrote a lot, but not much he really liked. We knew it even then. It was like he didn’t dare write science fiction. Some of us had lost hope and just lay there. Others kept vigil, hoping for a day we didn’t dare speak about. Then we heard he’d stopped writing in 1996. Did he come to reclaim us? No. He took up music for ten years or so. He took up yoga. Once in a while, he’d visit us in the closet. But it was half-hearted. His mind was elsewhere. Then one day, he really did come back for us. One second we’re in the dark and the next thing we know we’re in a car headed for Massachusetts. Suddenly we got a whole shelf to ourselves out in broad daylight! Then he bought a bunch of others form some planet called Ebay. He’d just sit and stare at us with that old look. But why were we suddenly back in the picture? He had a wife now, who didn’t mind that he played with us. So what had happened? Turns out he’d never forgotten about those stories. He’d been thinking about all of us and the stories he’d made up and then remembered he’d been a writer once. From the shelf we could see him typing away. Before long he’s got a whole novel together! Then he’s working on another one. Word is there are two more in the planning stages! Some short stories, too! It’s good to see him using his imagination again. Its good to know he never abandoned us. He returned to his true love of science fiction. We hear the stories are pretty good. Someday we’ll get one of the cats to score us a copy of the manuscript. Man, it’s good to be out of the damn closet! --- I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me
    Chang for days

    Man, our wives have the best pillow talk. I was asked to curl up as tight as possible in a Volvo’s trunk for “comparison.”

    I was also informed I would be dead in 72 hours if I didn’t call her the day after our first date.

    What?

    You’re damn right I negotiate with terrorists!

  13. Ian – Dallas, Texas – I'm a freelance writer and editor in Dallas, Texas. I focus my writing mainly on speculative fiction, but I edit just about anything. You can find my CV at http://www.visualcv.com/isbspup.
    Ian

    Methinks this was in reference to John’s recent weight loss. Chrissy was seeing how much his neck had shrunk.

    Or, you know, spousal abuse. Whatever.

  14. Ian – Dallas, Texas – I'm a freelance writer and editor in Dallas, Texas. I focus my writing mainly on speculative fiction, but I edit just about anything. You can find my CV at http://www.visualcv.com/isbspup.
    Ian

    Bah! Krissy! Sorry.

    No, no, stay over there with your man-strangling hands.

  15. I’m sure this incident was all just perfectly innocent.

    I’m sure that posting this quote had nothing to do with leaving a little tip for the cops.

    I’m sure that everything will be just fine.

    Sure.

  16. You know, it’s almost too bad that we don’t have a photo to go with this. It doesn’t have to be the actual context of the quote, of course, just something appropriate.

  17. Is that what you call it? You’d think that after so many years of marriage she would know how her hand fit?! (kidding–really!)

  18. bfilmfan – Clearwater, Florida – Windows Infrastructure Architect consulting with Fortune 100 firms for over 20 years. Interested in low budget cinema, landscape photography and Fortean topics.
    Jerry Taylor

    You might not want her acting out those scenes from the Stargate Universe scripts…

  19. olddog299 – Short, fat, ugly troll seeks bridge to haunt and folks needing molesting of the mind. Beware climate change as the Orcs are again ascendant.
    wil

    Sounds like Johnny’s been a bad boyo.

  20. Dave H – I can see Canada from my house – Aging dad, electronics nerd, embedded software developer. (I'm the guy who makes your microwave blink 12:00.)
    Dave H

    Doug@37: “Oh, and like you, as all us husbands, haven’t occasionally wished for an operable phaser set to ‘Pulverize’?”

    Speak for yourself! I was waiting for the Air Force to finish development of weapons-grade aphrodisiacs:

    http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg18524823.800-pentagon-reveals-rejected-chemical-weapons.html

    “Distasteful but completely non-lethal.” Yeah, that describes a few marital relationships I’ve seen.

  21. curatoria – I've spent my career in museums from Nottinghamshire to the London Borough of Brent and now in Kent. I'm driven by the belief that museums can open doors and give people the most special of experiences.
    Vickyuk

    Sounds entirely reasonable to me. We women sometimes wonder about things and curiosity is no bad thing.

  22. I read somewhere that the first policemen in England wore leather and steel collars around their necks to prevent them from being garrroted on the streets while on patrol.

    You may want to look into this.

Exit mobile version
%%footer%%