It Really Was Inevitable, Wasn’t It

Proof for you that for at least one of my works, I was paid in bacon:

As I’ve said to others, the real challenge here is to figure out how to give my agent his 15% when he’s both a vegetarian and an observant Jew.

(The actual answer: Take the retail value of the Bacon of the Month Club membership and have him take 15% of that from the cash I’m being paid. Not a funny way to do it, but a fair way.)

Anyway: Hi, I’m a walking, talking Internet cliche at this point. But I am presumably getting some fine smoked meats out of it.

44 Comments on “It Really Was Inevitable, Wasn’t It”

  1. As a member of a Jewish family (I had no clue until my grandmother was dying) this is sort of a bad time to negotiate with him/her. Your AGENT!! Can you wait until Yom Kippur is over? It might help with the bacon. ;-)

  2. The real question here is which your works is so awesome that it warranted payment in bacon? I suspect that we will never know, considering you took the trouble to blur out the title.

  3. There is Turkey Bacon or Vegetarian Bacon. They’re both inedible and perversions of the sacredness of Bacon but they do carry the name of Bacon.

  4. My God. The next thing he will be telling us is that he has bacon flavoured toilet paper.

    Wrong in so many ways, I’m sorry.

  5. It’s too bad the Grateful Palate doesn’t carry Hempler’s products anymore. That was far and away my favorite bacon when I was in the bacon of the month club. Still, you will get some fine cured meats.

  6. Ahhh. Where else on the whole internet would it be reasonable to mention bacon-flavo[u]red toilet paper?

  7. The real question here is how your (vegetarian, observant Jewish) agent managed to negotiate that into the contract without any party in the transaction disintegrating into helpless laughter.

    Mind, it does speak well for said agent’s skill at said negotiations….

  8. Kudos to you, sir.

    My neighborhood bar is having a wine-and-bacon tasting tomorrow. I’M LIVIN’ IN THE FUTURE.

  9. Has anyone broken the news to the cat? This could lead to a feline nervous condition of epic (and monthly) proportions.

  10. My wife’s family sometimes referred to pastrami as “Kosher bacon.” Is there a Pastrami of the Month club?

  11. You could have calculated the total amount of pork the Bacon of the Month club will provide you over time, convert that into whole pigs, then calculate the amount of feed that many pigs consume over their lifetime before slaughter. Then you could pay him in oatmeal or corn.

    I probably appreciates that you didn’t make the effort.

  12. Pictures of you and your family enjoying bacon would, I think, be a reasonable 15% cut. If he kvetches, tell him that the pictures, at least, are unlikely to raise his cholesterol or harden his arteries.

  13. Bacon Pie:
    * 6 large eggs, beaten
    * 1 cup heavy cream
    * 1/2 cup milk
    * Ground pepper, to taste
    * Pinch of mustard powder
    * 2 cups chopped fresh baby spinach, packed
    * 1 pound bacon, cooked and crumbled
    * 1 cup shredded Swiss cheese
    * 1 (9-inch) refrigerated pie crust, fitted to a 9-inch glass pie plate

    Combine the eggs, cream, milk, mustard powder and pepper in a food processor or blender. Layer the spinach, bacon, and cheese in the bottom of the pie crust, then pour the egg mixture on top. Bake for 35 to 45 minutes until the egg mixture is set. Cut into 8 wedges.

  14. @27… I agree, ’tis quiche. To qualify as pie it has to be combined with another “main” pie ingredient like apples. Hmmm… makes me want to go experiment.

  15. Oh, nonsense! Anything in a pie crust is a pie! This “quiche” hooey is just fancy schmancy foreign elite for P I E.

    Seriously, my old Fanny Farmer Cook Book has several recipes for savory egg pies.

  16. You do realize that both “The Smoking Gun” and Wikileaks will now be offering a bounty for the full text of the contract, right?

    If I were even more cynical than I am, I’d suspect that the only reason that clause is in the contract is to provide SEO fodder for the site here.

    Fortunately, I’m optimistic enough to think the real story is slightly more interesting.

  17. I once got a wild hair and did an Experiment: apple pie, with cheddar cheese crust and crumbled bacon laced through the apple filling. I took it to our gaming group meeting, and within 45 minutes, the dish had been licked clean, with demands for more. Of course, these were GAMERS, who probably would have devoured cheese flavored sawdust and asked for more. Still, I consider it a success.

  18. Under the circumstances, I think you’re almost morally obliged to pass on some sort of payment “in kind,” rather than in cash.

    I recommend Bacos. 100% vegetarian, and it tastes more like bacon than any of the fake bacon strips out there.

  19. No reason you can’t pay your agent in bacon, which can them be donated to a food bank or the like.

  20. 1. There is no quiche which is not an egg and bacon quiche.

    2. If it’s not covered it’s not a pie.

    3. If you’re going to combine bacon with fruit, I recommend plums rather than apples.

    4. You can’t put the constitution in a pie.

  21. So is peameal bacon, the Bacon of the Gods, included in membership?

    *pre-emptively strikes down anyone who claims that peameal bacon is just Canadian bacon, which is neither Canadian nor bacon, but just cheap, nasty ham*

  22. 3rd Ammendment @35 :
    “2. If it’s not covered it’s not a pie.”

    No? Lemon Meringue pie? Coconut Custard pie? Pecan pie? Pumpkin Pie? Banana Cream pie?

    Yum. Pumpkin pie (but not with bacon, I don’t think).

  23. I’d worry less about agent, more about bacon spurring some IRS audit. But, you might blame it on the vegetarian kosher agent, if you dare?

  24. @38: Good point. The IRS audit must be brutal: “Good afternoon, Mr. Scalzi; we’re here to verify that the bacon you received was in fact the premium bacon that you claimed on your tax return. We’ll need samples. Agent Johnson here likes his bacon extra-crispy.”

    Bet they’re all over the bacon enforcement gig, in the IRS audit office.

  25. It sounds like you’re lucky. Your compensation is ample.

    Just make sure it ain’t more bacon than the pan can handle.

  26. MaryL:
    “*pre-emptively strikes down anyone who claims that peameal bacon is just Canadian bacon, which is neither Canadian nor bacon, but just cheap, nasty ham*”

    Well, wrong, or at least very incomplete.
    What often gets sold in cheap restaurants in the States as “Canadian Bacon” may just be “cheap, nasty ham” but peameal is just what is referred to as “back bacon” (pork loin or tenderloin given the bacon curing treatment) with that meal crust on it, and back bacon does get referred to as Canadian bacon (and is where the name for the cheap stuff you decry comes from).

    Thankfully, it is quite possible to get back bacon which is just as good as (the inside meat part) of the peameal stuff without actually including that grotty meal crust.

  27. @ #14. My husband’s cat, Kato, would literally walk up to my MIL frying bacon in a pan on the kitchen stove, reach out a paw, and snag a piece straight from the pan. I never saw him do it, and my husband has a rather bizarre sense of humor, so I thought he was yanking my chain–until my MIL backed him up. That story’s too bizarre *not* to be true if my dear, sweet MIL says it is!


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