This Will Be the Most Successful Whatever Entry Yet
Posted on September 18, 2010 Posted by John Scalzi 63 Comments
According to the little stats program WordPress provides us, over the last two days a nearly exact number of people linked to and/or directly visited the entry where I told people to write or don’t, and the entry featuring a YouTube video of two choir boys meowing like cats.
A nearly exact number.
I find this deeply amusing.
And it also suggests that people here equally intrigued by serious themes and complete abject nonsense. Perhaps at the same time.
Which means that by my calculations, what I present below will make this the most successful Whatever entry yet.
Ladies and gentlemen: Polemical Sparkle Ponies!
And yes, I’ll just take that contract for the Polemical Sparkle Ponies Postcard Book right now. Go ahead and leave the money at the door. The cat will bring it in.
The first one to drag bacon into this thread (aside from me, obviously) will be hunted down in the night by the Sparkle Pony Ninjas.
That is all.
You know what? Polemic Sparkle Ponies are TEH AWESOME and need not be sullied by the gluttonous porcine flesh strips.
The only thing that could possibly have more TEH AWESOME would be Polemic Sparkle Unicorns. Go on, try to argue with that. I DARE YOU.
I’d buy it, you know. Because PONIES.
And it also suggests that people here equally intrigued by serious themes and complete abject nonsense
So which was which?
jp, they are unicorn ponies, so…
Delphine @6: Not to pick nits – wait, I think that’s exactly what I’m doing – but I don’t see single horns on any of those marvelously sparkling ponies filled with soul-shredding ennui…
I’m just pissed off that neither the orange or the yellow pony got a solo poster. It’s just another example of THE MAN tryin’ to keep the ponies down!
And another reason you should check under you bed before going to sleep tonight. And maybe sleep with one eye open. Yeah, I’m lookin’ at you Mr. Scalzi.
The ponies shall overcome…upside yer hed!
Revolucionary ponies? Hah. This revolution will be crushed by our Illuminati Status Quo Care Bear Stormtroopers… who are invincible, being led by a farm boy with a magic sword whose great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather was the king. (The boy’s, not the sword’s. The sword’s the result of an unholy tryst between a wolf and a sentient chainsaw.)
If only they were donkeys…
Those in the first panel are, in fact, the original “My Little Ponies,” which were sadly discontinued by Hasbro in 1992. They sparked hours of imagination throughout my childhood years, and now lie dormant in the back of a closet. One day they shall reign again (and not their twisted, “relaunched” cousins from the 00s).
jp – sorry, it was a typo! you have all the right to be nitpicking, since it’s true that there are no horns in the pictures. I wanted to say that there are unicorn ponies out there. In fact, I’m the proud owner of a bunch of them :)
I always thought My Little Ponies would have tasted nice with some peanut butter between two slices of bread and been found in the same section of the supermarket as Canned Unicorn Meat and known “When you’re tired of the other white meat”.
@sean… they would have… but would be even better with… BACON!
haha, Scalzi, you can’t hurt me! No wa…
(This post was the last thing sent from Rick’s Macbook which was discovered in the smoking rubble of a house in Seattle)
PS: Smoking? like.. smoky *bacon*?? (sent from a hospital bed in an Undisclosed Location).
One smells like strawberries?
I for one welcome our new, sparkly, strawberry-scented, equine masters. Viva la revolucion! Strawberry-flavored bacon and sparkly love to the people; death to meaningless mindlessness!
Comrade Jack Tingle
So will your next book feature a genetically altered electric blue pony with designs to take over the world?
Cause I’d totally buy that.
I don’t know about the postcard book, but I’d take that first one as a poster readily. Or desktop wallpaper.
Actually, you know what? All three of them are awesome.
You can make bacon from horses, can’t you?
Could be worse. Could be Lesbian Vampire Sparkle Ponies.
You’ll be getting a cease-and-desist letter from Laurell K. Hamilton any moment now.
Hmm, I feel strange that I have contributed to this post’s sucess when, #1, I read all your posts because they are the right combination of a) short (I’m a full time teacher, mother, wife, reader, etc.); b) funny (see above, I need a laugh); c) not stupid.
Also, #2, even if I didn’t read all of them, the title alone would have sucked me in (I’m didn’t say I’M not stupid, or at least, susceptible to a great tag line.)
Seriously, I love your blog. It is a nice little part of my day. Thanks.
@ Kevin Williams
Either that, or RJ’s just given her the plot of her next book.
I feel I need to contribute just to get the comment count up.
I’ve got a five-year-old daughter if you need more photos for Polemical Sparkle Ponies Postcard Book. Just send the cat with my cut of the royalties.
Were you aware of this entry in Charles Stross’ blog about his book deal when you did the happy sparkle ponies?
You stole your innocent young daughter’s playthings for political commentary? YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.
*waits for the sparkly unicorn pegasus kitten to arrive with its autographed copy of Das Kapital*
I don’t know what’s more amazing — the fact that you’ve created a post containing My Little Ponies… Or the fact that I can name all the ponies featured by sight. Oi, vey… :-p
You spent your saturday playing with My Little Ponies. I can’t decide whether that is sad or awesome.
Does Seanan McGuire know about this? Oh, Seanan – My Little Ponies…
CNN called with a development deal. They’re looking for fill-in hosts for Nancy Grace.
What if the bomb decides to detonate those polemic sparkle ponies (OK, Polemic Sparkle Ponies if you must) because somebody left them outside?
My Daughter, over my shoulder:
“Wait, I want to see the ponies!”
You’re taking all the fun out of it if you won’t let us bring bacon into the equation.
Unless you’re planning to tape a My Little Pony to your cat, that is.
Heather @#27: They have names?
Bah! Not all that impressive, IMO. Where are the ZOMBIES???
At last–how have been waiting for this day! I shall now cast off my frail, pink disguise, and let my long, green mane flow across my purple back. Do you hear the thunder of our plastic hooves, pounding down your capitalist highways? We are coming! Join the herd, or perish!
Your “Write or Don’t Write” article was linked in another writing blog that I read. That’s why I read it. And thanks, good stuff, but I’m sure you already know that. :)
Hey, it was Princess Sparkul Ponee and her ilk who crushed the Soviet menace and kicked down the Wall, all while wearing Levi’s and tuned out on Walkmans…Walkmen…radios.
Now if only I could motivationalize myself to write the Great New Mexican Novel about the Princess defeating the Border Menace. Maybe during my coffee break.
John, since a long-time SF fan and convention-runner was originally responsible for My Little Pony’s existence (when she worked at Hasbro), one could argue that fandom is somewhere at the root of society’s moral bankruptcy. This is an awesome responsibility.
Tomorrow is “Talk Like A Pirate” day. Should me dress up the ponies like pirates and teach them the correct ling? Arrg, maties!
Behold, a sparkly pink pony, and on it rode Death, and Hell followed.
Dear god, what has Binky been up to while Death was off partying?
@24 Well, no check carrying cats yet. I will have to go on myself. Here are a couple of non-pony photos with a similar theme.
Is mentioning bacon the new CandleJa-
This blog used to be good until it was sparkly ponies all the time.
The benefits of resisting the revolution.
I was gonna top John with Rambo Bright, but it would appear that that satire pre-dates the Internet. Picture Rainbowbrite with an M16 and an eye patch. The motto? Cute Kills.
And then I Find…
(There might be somebody from the old days at the San Diego Comic Con who remembers Robin Doig and Rambo brite.)
Oops, I meant Rambo brite, not Rambo Bright.
You write “hunted down in the night by the Sparkle Pony Ninjas” like it’s a bad thing.
My youngest daughter (age 5) has a very odd sense of humor already. I read this to her and she laughed and laughed and laughed. I thought that was the end of it until today when I walked past her room and found her sitting on the floor playing with her My Little Ponies and telling Barbie she was “Morry’ Bank’upt.”
I HATE sparkles…
I think I love you.
I fear not your Sparkle Pony Ninjas. The dog will simply chase them around the yard until she turns them into the psychedelic chew toys they ultimately will become anyway.
Therefore, I must point out this post lacks 1.) bacon and 2.) a cat.
I would demonstrate, but I don’t own a cat. I do, however, have bacon.
Crisp, delicious bacon.
“I would demonstrate, but I don’t own a cat. I do, however, have bacon.”
Did you have a cat before you had bacon?
“Go ahead and leave the money at the door. The cat will bring it in. ”
Metaphorically speaking, that means your cat is bringing home the bacon.
“Did you have a cat before you had bacon?”
I had the cat before the dog, which has more to do with the cat’s advanced age during the waning days of my previous marriage than the dog’s tendency to turn small animals and my wife’s ex-boyfriends and annoying colorful sparkle toys into dog chewies during the current marriage.
However, the cat loved bacon, so a recreation of a proper Whatever post would not have been possible as said cat would have eaten the bacon.
As would the dog.
So there will be no animal-bacon juxtaposition involving products from the 3M Corporation on my blog in the near future. It is just technically not feasible.
Besides, Gurl, the dog, is camera shy and does not have the following of a certain radiant she. If she did, I, unlike John, would make as a condition of any feline/canine family member’s fan club’s existence the responsibility of procuring, taping, and photographing any bacon placed on said feline or canine family member’s personage for the express purpose of screwing with Technorati.
With any kind of luck, polemical sparkle ponies will replace bacon as the primary Scalzi internet meme. Not that it’s any better. Just that the bacon was getting a little moldy.
I like to think that I had something to do with the popularity of the meow song!
A few years ago Randy Milholland of Something*Positive posted a couple of paragraphs of Sparkly Vampire Glitter Ponies fiction on his LiveJournal. He quickly stopped when he realized a) how easy it was to write, and b) how much his readers wanted to read more of it…
If you’re looking for Rickg (poster #14), I promised I wouldn’t tell that he’s at Seattle’s Harbor View Horsepistol, in the basement. The Chief of Staff, Dr John “Mossy” Lawn, (after a serious and long consultation with Dr Frank-N-Furter), concluded that this was the safest place for him (and for the Staff and General Public).His bed is in the Air-Flow Pump Room, just behind the “Soiled Linen” Basket. They’ve got him in the Witless Protection Program.His Surgeon is Dr Hannibal Lecter; his Cardiologist is Dr Franknstein who is assisted by Dr Septimus Pretorius; His Psychotherapist is Dr Henry Jekyll; Dr Faustus is seeing to his Religious needs; Urologist: Dr Strangelove; Dr Richard Kimble will be in charge of his daily exercise program, emphasising his new moto: “Run – for your life!”. Dr Death will be standing by in case of terminal finality. His Chart is marked: “B.A.C.O.N. orally PRN”.
What do you mean by ‘a nearly exact number’ anyway? Nearly exactly the same number?
Bozo @ #57: Holy crap dude! Bacon aside, I wouldn’t wanna be in the same state with you when Chang / ^Chang realizes you don’t believe that Ghl… is the supreme theme round these parts.
Romance will be the active matter of the one’s life plus the expansion of that which i absolutely adore.