This Will Be the Most Successful Whatever Entry Yet

According to the little stats program WordPress provides us, over the last two days a nearly exact number of people linked to and/or directly visited the entry where I told people to write or don’t, and the entry featuring a YouTube video of two choir boys meowing like cats.

A nearly exact number.

I find this deeply amusing.

And it also suggests that people here equally intrigued by serious themes and complete abject nonsense. Perhaps at the same time.

Which means that by my calculations, what I present below will make this the most successful Whatever entry yet.

Ladies and gentlemen: Polemical Sparkle Ponies!

And yes, I’ll just take that contract for the Polemical Sparkle Ponies Postcard Book right now. Go ahead and leave the money at the door. The cat will bring it in.

By John Scalzi

I enjoy pie.

63 replies on “This Will Be the Most Successful Whatever Entry Yet”

You know what? Polemic Sparkle Ponies are TEH AWESOME and need not be sullied by the gluttonous porcine flesh strips.

The only thing that could possibly have more TEH AWESOME would be Polemic Sparkle Unicorns. Go on, try to argue with that. I DARE YOU.

Delphine @6: Not to pick nits – wait, I think that’s exactly what I’m doing – but I don’t see single horns on any of those marvelously sparkling ponies filled with soul-shredding ennui…


I’m just pissed off that neither the orange or the yellow pony got a solo poster. It’s just another example of THE MAN tryin’ to keep the ponies down!

And another reason you should check under you bed before going to sleep tonight. And maybe sleep with one eye open. Yeah, I’m lookin’ at you Mr. Scalzi.

The ponies shall overcome…upside yer hed!

Revolucionary ponies? Hah. This revolution will be crushed by our Illuminati Status Quo Care Bear Stormtroopers… who are invincible, being led by a farm boy with a magic sword whose great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather was the king. (The boy’s, not the sword’s. The sword’s the result of an unholy tryst between a wolf and a sentient chainsaw.)


Those in the first panel are, in fact, the original “My Little Ponies,” which were sadly discontinued by Hasbro in 1992. They sparked hours of imagination throughout my childhood years, and now lie dormant in the back of a closet. One day they shall reign again (and not their twisted, “relaunched” cousins from the 00s).

jp – sorry, it was a typo! you have all the right to be nitpicking, since it’s true that there are no horns in the pictures. I wanted to say that there are unicorn ponies out there. In fact, I’m the proud owner of a bunch of them :)

I always thought My Little Ponies would have tasted nice with some peanut butter between two slices of bread and been found in the same section of the supermarket as Canned Unicorn Meat and known “When you’re tired of the other white meat”.

@sean… they would have… but would be even better with… BACON!

haha, Scalzi, you can’t hurt me! No wa…

(This post was the last thing sent from Rick’s Macbook which was discovered in the smoking rubble of a house in Seattle)

PS: Smoking? like.. smoky *bacon*?? (sent from a hospital bed in an Undisclosed Location).

I for one welcome our new, sparkly, strawberry-scented, equine masters. Viva la revolucion! Strawberry-flavored bacon and sparkly love to the people; death to meaningless mindlessness!

Comrade Jack Tingle

Hmm, I feel strange that I have contributed to this post’s sucess when, #1, I read all your posts because they are the right combination of a) short (I’m a full time teacher, mother, wife, reader, etc.); b) funny (see above, I need a laugh); c) not stupid.

Also, #2, even if I didn’t read all of them, the title alone would have sucked me in (I’m didn’t say I’M not stupid, or at least, susceptible to a great tag line.)

Seriously, I love your blog. It is a nice little part of my day. Thanks.

I feel I need to contribute just to get the comment count up.

I’ve got a five-year-old daughter if you need more photos for Polemical Sparkle Ponies Postcard Book. Just send the cat with my cut of the royalties.

You stole your innocent young daughter’s playthings for political commentary? YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.

*waits for the sparkly unicorn pegasus kitten to arrive with its autographed copy of Das Kapital*

At last–how have been waiting for this day! I shall now cast off my frail, pink disguise, and let my long, green mane flow across my purple back. Do you hear the thunder of our plastic hooves, pounding down your capitalist highways? We are coming! Join the herd, or perish!

Your “Write or Don’t Write” article was linked in another writing blog that I read. That’s why I read it. And thanks, good stuff, but I’m sure you already know that. :)

John, since a long-time SF fan and convention-runner was originally responsible for My Little Pony’s existence (when she worked at Hasbro), one could argue that fandom is somewhere at the root of society’s moral bankruptcy. This is an awesome responsibility.

I was gonna top John with Rambo Bright, but it would appear that that satire pre-dates the Internet. Picture Rainbowbrite with an M16 and an eye patch. The motto? Cute Kills.

And then I Find…

(There might be somebody from the old days at the San Diego Comic Con who remembers Robin Doig and Rambo brite.)

My youngest daughter (age 5) has a very odd sense of humor already. I read this to her and she laughed and laughed and laughed. I thought that was the end of it until today when I walked past her room and found her sitting on the floor playing with her My Little Ponies and telling Barbie she was “Morry’ Bank’upt.”

Great stuff!

I fear not your Sparkle Pony Ninjas. The dog will simply chase them around the yard until she turns them into the psychedelic chew toys they ultimately will become anyway.

Therefore, I must point out this post lacks 1.) bacon and 2.) a cat.

I would demonstrate, but I don’t own a cat. I do, however, have bacon.

Crisp, delicious bacon.

“Did you have a cat before you had bacon?”

I had the cat before the dog, which has more to do with the cat’s advanced age during the waning days of my previous marriage than the dog’s tendency to turn small animals and my wife’s ex-boyfriends and annoying colorful sparkle toys into dog chewies during the current marriage.

However, the cat loved bacon, so a recreation of a proper Whatever post would not have been possible as said cat would have eaten the bacon.

As would the dog.

So there will be no animal-bacon juxtaposition involving products from the 3M Corporation on my blog in the near future. It is just technically not feasible.

Besides, Gurl, the dog, is camera shy and does not have the following of a certain radiant she. If she did, I, unlike John, would make as a condition of any feline/canine family member’s fan club’s existence the responsibility of procuring, taping, and photographing any bacon placed on said feline or canine family member’s personage for the express purpose of screwing with Technorati.

So there.

A few years ago Randy Milholland of Something*Positive posted a couple of paragraphs of Sparkly Vampire Glitter Ponies fiction on his LiveJournal. He quickly stopped when he realized a) how easy it was to write, and b) how much his readers wanted to read more of it…

If you’re looking for Rickg (poster #14), I promised I wouldn’t tell that he’s at Seattle’s Harbor View Horsepistol, in the basement. The Chief of Staff, Dr John “Mossy” Lawn, (after a serious and long consultation with Dr Frank-N-Furter), concluded that this was the safest place for him (and for the Staff and General Public).His bed is in the Air-Flow Pump Room, just behind the “Soiled Linen” Basket. They’ve got him in the Witless Protection Program.His Surgeon is Dr Hannibal Lecter; his Cardiologist is Dr Franknstein who is assisted by Dr Septimus Pretorius; His Psychotherapist is Dr Henry Jekyll; Dr Faustus is seeing to his Religious needs; Urologist: Dr Strangelove; Dr Richard Kimble will be in charge of his daily exercise program, emphasising his new moto: “Run – for your life!”. Dr Death will be standing by in case of terminal finality. His Chart is marked: “B.A.C.O.N. orally PRN”.

Bozo @ #57: Holy crap dude! Bacon aside, I wouldn’t wanna be in the same state with you when Chang / ^Chang realizes you don’t believe that Ghl… is the supreme theme round these parts.

Comments are closed.

Exit mobile version