There is No Coke Zero in the House, But There is One of These

No, I have no idea how it snuck in. But clearly it is there to screw with my mental feng shui. Stupid Pepsi ninjas.

49 Comments on “There is No Coke Zero in the House, But There is One of These”

  1. Perhaps you offended the Elder Gods. They don’t pay much attention to acts of kindness, so you should spread some bleak mad despair instead. That usually appeases them.

  2. Your house is clearly defective with its lack of CZ. Pepsi in any incarnation is unacceptable as a substitute.

    On a side note, I was at the Pittsburgh airport Hyatt this past week, and tried to purchase a Mountain Dew from a vending machine (since every shop at the airport was closed by 9:30). Of course the stupid machine gave me a Diet Pepsi — ugh!

  3. Perhaps the rescue dog is in reality a trojan horse, assaulting your household from within. That’s what the cats will say.

  4. It’s actually Coke Zero in the bottle. It’s in hiding so that you won’t consume it. Go ahead a drink it. We’ll just wait here and see what happens.

  5. There it is, the monkey on my back. Alas, I have tried to fight the Pepsi ninjas but their carbonated ninjutsu it just too strong. For example, I have no idea what is in that white bowl hiding under the tub of Country Crock, but I’ll guarantee you it tastes a thousand times better with a nice cold Pepsi. Insidious.

  6. I think you briefly stepped into a parallel universe, one so bizarre that your counterpart actually drinks that stuff. Kind of like Heinlein’s Earth-without-a-J, only in this one, it’s Coke products they lack.

  7. You should obviously switch that with a Diet Dr Pepper, or even better, a Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper, which is four great tastes in one!

  8. Mmmm, Pepsi. I am one of the Pepsi Generation, but I work on a Coke-only campus. Many is the time I’ve had to settle for the vastly inferior Coke Zero. (And you can pretty much forget about Diet Dr Pepper unless I want to walk practically off the mountain…)

    Maybe Daisy is a Pepsi drinker? Could be hers.

  9. “[…] I even just adopted a rescue dog! I should be on the gods’ good side!”

    The gods are happy with you, but the cats are pissed and are taking it out on you in subtle, passive-aggressive ways.

  10. It’s the dog’s way of bringing taste back into your house by getting rid of yucky coke products and replacing them with yummy pepsi.

    Yes, we disagree on at least ONE point :P

  11. agh! Shouldn’t you warn us when you’re about to subject us to a profane picture?

    Or are you testing the filters at the Dayton Airport again?

    ‘scuze me while I go find a unicorn chaser.

  12. If my wife saw that, she would throw the entire contents of the fridge in a double-wrapped bag and scrub the inside with bleach.

  13. Your house has been tainted by the Anti-Cola – that most evil spawn of the Elder Gods.

    You should survive so long as you do not actually drink the soft drink which must not be named.

    @Chris B – Nothing can taste better with a “nice cold P-psi” because P-psi cannot be “nice.” However because lower temperatures do inhibit flavors, that would be an improvement for the substance.

  14. Definitely something that needs to be removed forthwith!
    Over 30 years of drinking the black stuff and I think the P* brand has tainted my fridge less times than I have fingers.
    Although to be honest I’m a real coke kind of guy!

    Reminds me though of your price check of coke in Australia. Buying a 600ml (20floz) bottle is the most expensive way to satisfy the craving here. Ranging in price between $2.50 and $4 you wuld have been far better off buying a 2 litre bottle for under $3! Or – as many of us do – buy 375ml cans by the 24 pack at around 60c per can.
    It is unfortunate though that it’s the 600ml bottle that is the best tasting! Just can’t buy it in bulk from a retail outlet.

  15. kirbycrow – USA – Kirby Crow worked as an entertainment editor and ghostwriter for several years before happily giving it up to bake brownies, read yaoi, play video games, and write her own novels. Whenever she isn't slaying Orcs or flying a battleship for the glory of the Amarr Empire, she can be found in the kitchen, her vegetable garden, or at the keyboard, tapping away at her next book. Kirby is a winner of the EPIC Award and the Rainbow Award. She is the author of the bestselling "Scarlet and the White Wolf" series of fantasy novels. Her published novels are: Prisoner of the Raven (historical gay romance) Scarlet and the White Wolf: The Pedlar and the Bandit King (fantasy/romance, m/m) Scarlet and the White Wolf: Mariner's Luck Scarlet and the White Wolf: The Land of Night Angels of the Deep (paranormal/horror) Circuit Theory (scifi, speculative, m/m) Hammer and Bone (mixed genre, horror, dark paranormal, queer lit) Poison Apples (queer lit) Scarlet and the White Wolf: The King of Forever (fantasy/romance) Malachite: Book 1 of the Paladin Cycle (speculative fantasy - m/m - 2015) Coming Soon Scarlet and the White Wolf: The Temple Road (fantasy/romance - 2015) For upcoming news of her future novels, visit
    Kirby Crow

    Country Crock? I would have pegged you for an I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Light man. But you can’t make good grilled cheese with the light stuff, therefore the tub of Country Crock in my fridge is strictly for making cheesy good things.

    I like Pepsi, sorry. Coke is king, but Pepsi is definitely the prince of all the other cola alternatives out there.

  16. I’m going to go against the general mood here and say that Pepsi Throwback is pretty damn good.

    *cringes, waits for Loving Mallet of Carbonation*

  17. Instructions for proper P* disposal:

    Using tongs, remove from the food-chilling cabinet. Transport to kitchen sink and turn on water, hot. Using thick, yellow rubber gloves, rotate cap – slowly – counterclockwise. Hissing may ensue (then again, this being P*, it may not). Should foam appear within the bottle, rotate cap clockwise until it stops, wait 20 seconds, and repeat. Should foam not appear, continue to rotate until cap comes free. CAREFULLY pour directly down sink, avoiding splashing and attempting to avoid contamination of the food preparation surfaces. When container is empty, partially refill with water and repeat pour. Crumple bottle and replace cap. Place in opaque plastic shopping bag. Place this in opaque plastic shopping bag (so no-one can see what’s in it – oh, the shame!). Place in recycling bin – near the bottom.
    Alternately – using US Postal Service, ship to your worst enemy as a “peace offering.” Be aware – this may backfire if they are not felled by the vile stuff and respond in kind.

  18. Mmmmmm… Country Crock. Once caught my daughter eating it out of the bowl. Chastised her roundly, then tried it myself. Not so bad.
    But for grilled cheese? Nothing is better.

  19. I used to be a ‘nothing but Pepsi, forever’ drinker, but in trying to cut out as much high fructose corn syrup, I found Coke Zero and liked it so much I switched. Sure, Pepsi Max doesn’t have HFCS, but Coke has switched out HFCS on their cola choices and Pepsi hasn’t, so I’m sticking with Coke products for now. Besides, the black packaging is so edgy and cool….

  20. shineanthology – Jetse de Vries is a technical specialist for a propulsion company, and used to travel the world for this. Of late, due to the increased time both his story writing and several future editing projects are taking up, he's trying to settle into a desk job by giving both the company’s own specialists and customers training courses. He was part of the Interzone editorial team from March 2004 until September 2008. His non-fiction articles, reviews, essays and interviews have appeared in Interzone, The Fix, New York Review of Science Fiction, Focus, and others. He writes SF since 1999, and had his first story published in November 2003. His stories have appeared in about two dozen publications on both sides of the Atlantic, and include Amityville House of Pancakes, vol. 1, JPPN 2, Nemonymous 4, Northwest Passages: A Cascadian Anthology, DeathGrip: Exit Laughing, HUB Magazine #2, Clarkesworld Magazine, SF Waxes Philosophical, Postscripts 14 and Flurb, amongst others. They're upcoming in the A Mosque Among the Stars anthology (slated for September 2008) and another, yet-to-be-named anthology in 2009. Jetse has a blog at:

    Sometimes I think Americans can be saved. At this moment, though, I am less optimistic.

    C’mon people, you are talking about mass-mass produced beverages, through manufacturing processes so massive and anonymous that the average tap water in The Netherlands gets more production love per litre.

    Now, if we were talking about the subtle, enticing and intense differences between, say, a Westvleteren 12 and a Delirium Nocturnum, then we’d be talking about drinks in which their respective producers have put several orders of magnitude more effort, craftsmanship and pure love per litre than any coca cola drink in the whole wide world.

    I know what you’re going to say: these are alcoholic beverages while coke/pepsi are not. True. But, to give just one example, when I spent some high quality time with my sister in Melbourne after the last WorldCon, she — and her ex-friend who came to dinner: they’re still good friends, and they’re both teetotallers — both went the extra mile to get *that* specific fuzzy, non-alcoholic drink that went best with the meal.

    I, of course, had some wine, but I greatly appreciate their taste in non-alcoholic drinks, and neither Coke nor Pepsi were anywhere near their lists.

    Typically, Melbournians are *extremely* particular about their coffee. (I know, them being Aussies, you’d expect them to be particular about their beer, and they do have some nice microbrews. But coffee is first and foremost the beverage of intense scrutiny.) I’ve literally been stopped by one of my sister’s best friends from walking into a certain coffee shop in St. Kilda, being told “Jetse, you are *not* going to drink coffee *there*!” in the same manner I would protect innocent foreigners from walking into the wrong bar in my home town.

    I hugely appreciate that.

    But Coke Zero vs. Pepsi whatever? That’s like discussing the ‘merits’ of MacDonalds vs. Burger King. Excuse me while I have a ‘steak frites’ in Belgium, with a Belgian beer (only over 1600 to choose from…;-).

  21. Jetse:

    “That’s like discussing the ‘merits’ of MacDonalds vs. Burger King.”

    Burger King. WHOPPER FOR THE WIN, BRO.

    (waits for Jetse’s head to EXPLODINATE!)

    That said, if someone wants to point me in the direction of a craft-brewed non-alcoholic carbonated beverage without sugar, I’m willing to give it a try.

  22. Neither Mickey D’s or BK can hold a candle up to the White Castle Burger!
    (waits for Scalzi’s’s head to EXPLODINATE! in 5… 4… 3…)

  23. Coz@35:
    CAREFULLY pour directly down sink, avoiding splashing and attempting to avoid contamination of the food preparation surfaces.

    Shouldn’t he check first to make sure to make sure his local treatment facility is up to the task? What if it just goes straight into the river untreated?

  24. There is only one black beverage, the original and the best. Uncle Arthurs favourite and that is the Guinness of which there is a complete lack. It passes beyond being a drink to be a food group of it’s own and nothing, no NOTHING beats a Guinness.

    Pepsi vs Coke, who cares. As long as it’s got sugar in it that’s fine. Zero/Diet is just so so wrong.

  25. OK Let’s Examine here….You have Approx. 3 lbs of a conglomeration that is minus one chemical of being able to be its own container, and you are worried about the Black Fizzy Nectar that was a Gift from the Junk Food Gods holding an Honorable place in your CFC driven Cooling Apparatus?

  26. After seeing that picture there’s only one thing I can say “Mum! Dad! Don’t touch it! It’s eeeevvvillll”.

    There’s a restaurant I go to in Seattle, Endolyne Joe’s that has the most awesome bacon, thick and crisp and done just right. I think they get it from Nimian Ranch and whenever I go there for breakfast I get a side order of bacon with whatever I’m having for breakfast, even if that’s bacon and I wash it down with plenty of Diet Coke (is there any place that has Coke Zero on tap?).

    One day one of the waitresses asked me why I bothered drinking Diet Coke when I always ordered extra bacon and I had to explain to her that the reason I drank Diet Coke was so that I didn’t get all filled up with horrible, goopy high fructose corn syrup calories that would interfere with my ability to fill up with tasty bacon calories. I love Coke Zero for the same reason; it’s tasty, and leaves room for the bacon calories (which I think would be an awesome advertising slogan; “Coke Zero. Zero calories means more room for bacon!”)

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