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Today’s Nefarious Plans

They are: two panels (one on cover art and ebooks, one on the Hugo awards) and a reading, at which I will likely read from Fuzzy Nation and also from the current work in progress. Which means that the people who go to my reading today at Capricon will be first folks besides me and my wife to know about it. See what you miss by not being here? Also, later tonight there’s supposed to be a dance, so I will probably go out and grind down my arthritic hip a little more.

I will do this all nefariously. Of course. Otherwise what’s the point.

What will you do today? Nefariously?

By John Scalzi

I enjoy pie.

52 replies on “Today’s Nefarious Plans”

I nefariously photoshopped the head of a colleague onto Flash Gordon’s body in an old b&w movie poster. Flash has Ming on his knees while he chokes him (and Dale hangs decorously off Flash’s arm) and I captioned the picture “Commander Kevin: Saving the Univers(ity)” since we work at one. Then I emailed it to everyone on my address list :-).

I wrote a blog post today which probably won’t impress my mother. Making mothers sad is bad.
And.
I got my baby vaccinated today which will probably piss off Jenny McCarthy. I don’t feel bad about that one though.

I’m sorry, I just cannot bring myself to be nefarious today. Will you settle for sinister? At the moment, I am lurking at my desk (in, I should not need to observe, a particularly sinister fashion), and in a few minutes I expect to skulk my way up the hall and make a fresh cup of extremely ominous tea. I still have a solid hour and a half before I can head off to my dark and portentious lunch.

This evening, of course, I’ll be warping the minds of my impressionable offspring – but that’s just a typical day, really; barely worth mentioning.

I will nefariously outcoach my assistant when we play a split squad game this evening. And I have already nefariously informed a parent that her son has to pay for the uniform he lost. She, in a completely sinister fashion, is going to make him pay for it out of his own money.

I love good parents.

Nefariously, of course.

John, you are truly an evil person and will come to a bad end.

I just hope your bad end takes at least a few decades to get to you. I can put up with your nefariousness as long as you keep writing.

I will agitate for the good folks at Lego to start producing Frank Gehry Lego sets, much like the Frank Lloyd Wright Lego sets they are currently producing.

And I’ll do this…nefariously! (But aren’t Gehry Legos nefarious enough on their own?)

I am nefariously working on children’s programming for the next couple of months, including time on a remotely controlled Big Telescope ( http://www.faulkes-telescope.com/ ) , a storyteller, and a magician. And yes, getting this scheduled and funded is applicable for certain values of ‘nefarious’. Is coffee nefarious? because I feel the need for a bit coming on, and I may as well up my nefarity quotient if applicable.

After I nefariously squash some bugs at work, I’m going to go home and nefariously make life difficult for several imaginary people in Chapter 24. Only, y’know, more concisely, because proper evil is more effective when deprived of its extraneous verbiage.

My housemate, on the other hand, prefers to be menacing!

If my nefarious plans come to fruition I will spend the rest of the day editing the book I am currently working on, instead of doing those things that actually make me money. Wait…just got an email…crud, more work that must be done today. Guess I’ll be up until midnight again tonight, I think my even-more-nefarious boss win’s today’s battle. Curses!

I plan to nefariously join some of my fellow fen for an informal con-that-is-not-a-con. There we will plot the overthrow of our alien overlords. If we can’t find any overlords, we plan to overthrow some local restaurants, some adult beverages, and the hot tub.

I am nefariously configuring network peripherals so that my somewhat nefarious co-workers can do their nefarious jobs more easily. This involves makes Windows do what I want it to do, which is not only nefarious but satisfying.

This evening, my partner and I are going to a Great Big Sea concert, where we shall flaunt our nonstandard domestic bliss in front of anyone who cares to watch, thereby corrupting the innocent and impressionable by demonstrating that gay couples can enjoy trad music just like ordinary people without being blasted into flinders by a jealous Almighty who hates gays and doesn’t care one way or the other about Newfoundland.

GlennS@19: “How the heck is she supposed to learn to Take Over The World, if you don’t show her how??”

When you’re an evil overlord, you don’t teach your successor how to replace you. If she can’t figure out on her own how to bring John down with style, grace, and extreme prejudice (or at least atomic weapons), she’s not fit to rule in his place. Think of it as her final exam.

As for me, I’ve been nefarious all week and I’m tired. I’m going to go kiss a fuzzy bunny or something.

So, in a completely unexpected left turn, do you have any thoughts on the going on six month long Penny Arcade Debacle? There’s a time on it, oodles of web site comments, and a wonderful display of apparently completely incongruent methods of communication. Not to mention lots of downright evilness.

I’m just curious because you’re a professional communicator and entertainer as well as a geek gamer with a somewhat offbeat sense of humor. (“…he typed with a straight face”)

I will be nefariously designing super sekrit database scripts involving software from the evil Oracle company. Then I will plot my escape from work in a nefarious manner in order to scheme ways to consume dark beer in a cold and refreshingly nefarious plot for world domination. And pie.

I plan to create the Army List of DOOM during my downtime at work, where I spend 8 hours a day taking phone calls and explaining to people why they didn’t get that thing they ordered 2 months ago. Which beleive me, is waaay more nefarious than it sounds at first glance.

Can’t manage nefarious today. Woke up to grand news from Egypt. Tried skulking to neighbor’s coffee farm to buy a pound of Kona’s finest but met tourists needing aloha. Too scared of Madame Pele to even think nefarious thoughts about her. Giving up, sitting in sunshine making first grandchild’s quilt.

At my science fiction club meeting tonight, I will nefariously report on the suggested titles for Hugo nominations that were discussed in this blog. BWAHAHAHA! And also, I will most nefariously hand out Darth Vader Valentine cards.
You know what’s a really fun word? Erinaceous.

I will nefariously taunt my 7 year old by bringing up a pile of books she’s NOT QUITE READY TO READ and placing them on her bookshelf. These books will have pictures of knights and dragons and unicorns and wizards on the cover. Then (part of the nefarious nature of the torment) she will try to puzzle them out ON HER OWN. And possiblly succeed while getting better at reading…..

And then, I will have to expend less effort as I homeschool her….. yet she will think she is REBELLING by reading these books, when really she is doing EXACTLY AS I PLANNED…….

I am being nefariously international today.

It’s my birthday party, and I’ve “volunteered” various friends to donate several dishes from every continent on earth – Tacos for Mexico, Brazil nuts for Brazil (not that they’re called that there), halva for West Africa, Devonshire tea for the UK, caviar for Russia, sushi and yum cha dumplings for Japan and China, kiwifruit for New Zealand, and macadamia nuts for my native Australia. And a LOT more.

I’m attempting to fit everything onto a giant world map that I’ve attached to the underside of my glass dining table. Failure is so yummy.

Louise Curtis

I shall nefariously suggest a new panel that should be held at all Conventions (esp. World Con) in the future.

The Blog Off.
Many writers take time off from their blog when attending Cons (Yes Scalzi, I’m talking to you). Many readers can’t attend these same Cons – through no fault of their own. This panel will allow all the blog readers to be part of the convention even if they can’t be there in person. I missed Melbourne even though I live here :-(
Have two or three master bloggers on a panel with a referee if needed. Each blogger has a computer ready to blog. Big screens to show the blogs in progress for those in attendance – although I’d be hoping that most of the attendees would also bring their own phone/tablet/netbook/laptop to the event to participate.
Non-attendees all around the world can post their comments on the blogs making the session a true worldwide event.
Televise the event (similar to last years Hugos) making it a full multimedia item eligible for the following years awards!

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