I See No Possible Way How This Incredible Cover Letter Could Ever Fail

Posted on March 29, 2011    Posted by      180 Comments

As a preface: I did not write this. I might have exploded had I tried.

—-

[Author and address redacted]

Dear [Agent / Editor]

Prepare to be blown away.  In your hands you hold the first four pages of my debut epic, VIOLET THUNDER.  You have the truly unique opportunity to be one of the first to read a work that will undoubtedly revolutionize the publishing world.  Borrowing tropes from the epic fantasy, supernatural detective, and harlequin romance genres, I have crafted the first wholly original masterpiece in probably at least a century.

I know quality writing, and know a lot of other people who know quality writing.  A sample chapter presented to my mother’s book club was described as, and I quote, “like nothing they had ever read before”.  My high school English teacher told me that I should submit it right away, even though I only shared the first half of the first draft.

Now, I understand that conventionally you are expecting to see the first five pages.  I haven’t done that.  Instead I am sending the first FOUR, so convinced am I that what you hold in your (no doubt trembling) hands is 20% better than anything you have ever read.  Ever.  Now, I am intimately familiar with everything you publish, but to avoid embarrassing any of your other authors I will not name names.  Suffice it to say that when you finish VIOLET THUNDER it is very likely that you will forget them, and will likely shit joy and barf rainbows.

My story follows the adventurous life of Sir Reginald Garret Von White Castle, a 900 year old katana wielding swordfighter from Prussia who, despite his great age and staggering accomplishments chooses to associate with and speak exactly like a modern day high school kid.  From the opening line “I always knew that, in teh end, I would be fucked by unicorns and glitter” to the mind blowing dénouement, Reginald leads you through a clandestine world of classic and completely new supernatural creatures who have all chosen to masquerade as high schoolers in a typical Midwest town with no defining features or characteristics.  This is so a reader could easily imagine him- or herself there (VIOLET THUNDER will appeal to both genders, and anyone who is or ever has gone through a trying transition to adulthood).

VIOLET THUNDER begins when Reggie’s best friend Bob is kidnapped from the high school shower after third period gym.  Bob is a figmentationist, a person who can make anything happen that he imagines, except that it is never useful or impactful, and generally only functions when it is convenient for me, the author, to have it do so.  Obviously Reggie isn’t going to stand for this, so he sets upon a journey of discovery, where he confronts glowing magic vampires, a succubae sponsored lesbian biker gang, mean cheerleaders, the sexually repressed high school councilor who is also a troll, and many other things so shocking that you need to read them in context to avoid some sort of brain hemorrhage.  In all instances Reggie starts with banter, but ends with a drawn katana and a decapitated foe.  He is also a police detective.

Through twists and turns literally nobody has seen coming, Reggie ends up in a final confrontation atop an incongruous Midwest skyscraper facing down his ex-girlfriend who now rides a magic unicorn who poops glitter and controls zombies.  I will not spoil the end for you, but suffice it to say that when they do it, it is totally hot.  You will be amazed when you finally discover the totally hidden meaning of Reggie’s VIOLET THUNDER.

Please respond promptly, as I have simultaneously sent this to literally everyone in the publishing industry that I could find on the internet.  If you do not happen to be the first person to snap up the rights to VIOLET THUNDER and all future sequels, I apologize.  Judging by what I think authors make, this series should totally be worth at least a million dollars.

Thank you.

[Author’s Name Redacted]

—-

You may say, there is no way such a thing could possibly be real. But ask any agent or editor if they’ve ever received a cover letter like this. The answer may surprise/shock/depress you.

Also, in case you weren’t clear on this: Dear writers, never do anything in this cover letter ever.

EVER.

Thank you.

Category: Uncategorized    

180 Comments on “I See No Possible Way How This Incredible Cover Letter Could Ever Fail”

  3. I am left speechless … or I would be, if I hadn’t already copy-edited stuff for clients that was nearly as … creatively derivative.

  8. Am I sad for wanting to see this published just so I can point at laugh at the inevitable fandom that will spring up around such a masterpiece?

    The world needs “Glitter-poopies.”

  9. He stole the idea for MY Great American Novel, dammit!! Right down to the 900 year old katana-wielding teenage protagonist. Who is also a police detective. Just wait until he reads my truly epic Cease and Desist letter, which will make him poop zombies, barf DOUBLE rainbows, and also poop glitter. Now I have to call my lawyer. Who is also a police detective.

  10. Okay, so I read that as satire written as someone who gets various flavors of outrageous cover letters themselves on a regular basis, rather than an actual author with an actual book.

    That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

  11. With it’s opening line, it beats the stuffing out of “It was a dark and stormy night.”

  12. #6: You might be on to something there :-)

    You know, I’m all for being proud of one’s work and all that good stuff, but “barf joy and shit rainbows” is not exactly an appropriate phrase to be putting in a cover letter. Unless standards really have sunk that low. They’ve sunk in many respects, no doubt, but I really didn’t think they’d sunk *that* low!

  14. So wait, is that an actual letter or did you or someone else write it as an example of what not to do? Funny either way.

  16. #10: I read it that way, too. If the covers we actually got which inspired this were half as amusing, I would be that much more delighted. As it is, I always start reading such a cover with hope that it will turn into something as beautifully self-satirizing as this. And they always let me down. :(

  19. So I shouldn’t end my letter with “Thank you”? Now I know what I’ve been doing wrong all these years.

    Will the Special Edition come with a packet of glitter poop?

  20. Dear Redacted,

    You had me at “a 900 year old katana wielding swordfighter from Prussia.” Your four pages of copy were superfluous.

    I had the intent to contact you over transfer of fund worth the sum of six million two hundred thousand u.s dollars. (US$6.2m) .

    I need your urgent response on assurance of trust that you will not deny me your manuscript once the funds are transferred to your personal bank account.

    Your urgently responses is needed through this email address: [redacted] Please reply with your information as I stated it below. Once I receive your information and your glorious manuscript I will give you more details such as how you will apply to our bank on how to transfer the fund into your bank account.

    (1) Full name:
    (2) private phone number:
    (3) occupation:

    Make sure you keep this transaction as top secret and make it confidential till you receive the funds into your bank account that you will provide to our bank. Don’t disclose it to any body, because the secret of this transaction is the success of it.

    I look forward to hearing from you. Urgent!

    In sincerity,
    Mr.Michel Konate, Agent to the Stars

  23. John, in all seriousness, I think you should consider doing some sort of VIOLET THUNDER short story contest for charity. Much like the Wil Wheaton painting, it could turn awful into awesome. All of us, well at least some of us I’m sure, would lover the excuse to write with such craptastic abandon. “Its for Charity!” would certainly work.

  32. The sad thing is that it took me most of the post before I realised it WAS a joke. My thought process was: “gosh, surely John wouldn’t actually post someone’s query letter…well it *sounds* like a real query letter…urg I’ve read SO MANY OF THES- oh wait. IZ FOR TEH LOLZ”

    There are so many queries almost EXACTLY like this coming in every day.

  33. Nice try, but please, that query letter reeks of actual good writing. This is the problem when good writers try to imitate bad ones. The author of this letter can even calculate percentages correctly? Spellcheck has been employed, and possibly Strunk and White?

    Based on the back copy “My story follows the adventurous life of Sir Reginald Garret Von White Castle, a 900 year old katana wielding swordfighter from Prussia who, despite his great age and staggering accomplishments chooses to associate with and speak exactly like a modern day high school kid,” and the opening line, “I always knew that, in teh end, I would be fucked by unicorns and glitter,” this sounds like a hilarious, very well written satire.

    However, the actual query letters that this was meant to spoof are not nearly so funny, nor so well-written. They are sad. They make you lose hope in the world. They don’t use accurate math. Or spelling. Or grammar. They are more confusing and vague than anything.

    Still, I’d rather read this letter for obvious reasons. That’s just the problem. In the end, I LIKED reading this.

    Tara Maya
    The Unfinished Song: Initiate
    Conmergence: An Anthology of Speculative Fiction

  34. What an awesome idea for a contest; the worse possible cover letter.

    Dang, I see D. Paul Angel (post #23) beat me to it.

  37. Oddly enough, I’m intrigued by said cover letter. Could some one please publish these as a collection, so that we can all have a good chuckle at just how off the deep end some of us are!?! I get that people are trying to create a hook to pique interest but some of these are just too good to let rot in a “no chance” pile on an editors desk/trash bin.

  40. Yes, I’m sure that the Gentle Editor’s hands will be trembling, but not because the contents are 20% better than usual. I can’t decide between:

    – The extra weight from the steaming pile that’s considerably more than 20% more effectual than usual…

    – Attempting to control peals of derisive laughter…

  42. I’m imagining it handwritten in glitter pen on paper torn out of a spiral bound notebook. Because a letter like that needs the additional difficulty bonus of deciphering bad handwriting in glitter pen (which is a pain to read anyway, I used to be able to ban my students from using it but now that I work in a business environment, I just have to put up with VPs and Directors who think it’s *pretty*).

  43. I could imagine something somewhat like this having been written by Harry Harrison when submitting the proposal for Bill The Galactic Hero. Although that was an awesome book…

    Bowb, man, bowb…

  44. It would probably became the subject of a Hollywood bidding war before an agent reached the end of the first paragraph.

  46. Someone needs to buy the rights to Violet Thunder and publish it because I really want to read it more than anything I’ve ever considered reading before. Ever.

  47. #33: In fact this author can not calculate percentages correctly. Having removed 20% (or one page in five), Redacted would now have to supplement what remains (four pages) by a full 25% (or one page in four) in order to bring it back into compliance with convention and expectation (five pages).

  48. Damn You, Scalzi! I intend to bill you for the physical therapy required to rehabilitate my abdominal muscles that have been torn asunder by laughing while reading this. I hatez U!

  51. Dear Other Writers: pleasepleasePLEASE always send in this cover letter with your submissions, because once your manuscript ends up in the circular file, that’s one less rival my own masterpiece needs to contend with. Thank you.

  54. With the first query letter I ever sent in, I helpfully included hand-drawn anime pictures of the characters. I was a teen, but still. Rather embarrassing. Peter Stampfel was very gracious in his reject letter, however. Thank goodness there was no internet, because I think as a teen, if I’d found my letter being mocked on Slush Pile Hell or #queryfail, I might have found it rather soul-crushing. I didn’t know yet that only the first hundred reject letters feel like iron-hot nails driven through your eyes, whereas after that reject letters only cause the mild pain equivalent rubbing your eye after eating jalapenos.

    Tara Maya
    The Unfinished Song: Initiate
    Conmergence: An Anthology of Speculative Fiction

  57. I’m laughing so hard that people in other cubicles are looking at me with “WTF???” all over their faces…I need a tissue to wipe my eyes….

  64. You know, I paint, but I wouldn’t call myself an artist. That seems a title others would bestow, not me. Writer seems the same sort of term. Someone may write, but to say they are a writer would come after others have declared it so. It seems? A little humbleness about the art and the mysterious way it inhabits us is a good thing for someone who creates, perhaps?

  67. Wait. Wait. Wait.

    a 900 year old … despite his great age and staggering accomplishments chooses to associate with and speak exactly like a modern day high school kid.

    Isn’t this glaring plot nonsense (a really old immortal hanging out in high school) in “Twilight” as well???

    Who are we to say that a “magic unicorn who poops glitter and controls zombies” isn’t the next Twilight? Or the next Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

    Wait. No. Never mind that.

  68. I am totally putting a glitter-pooping unicorn in my next book. Although since apparently the Easter Bunny poops jelly beans, maybe I’ll just have the unicorn pee glitter instead. But that’s going in the next Black Knight Chronicles book somewhere.

  69. @Pamela: I disagree. If you write/paint, then you are a writer/painter, regardless of what other people might think. Whether you are any good at it, on the other hand, IS for other people to say. But you decide what you call yourself.

  74. Just thinking out loud here… if we believe John that he didn’t write it, and we also note that John never posts things without attribution, this has to be a real letter. Right?

  75. I…there are so many things wrong with that letter. However, my first question is…can you borrow a trope? I know that you can borrow from a trope, but are they now something you can check out at the library?

    I think this killed my brain a little. I could, unfortunately, see this being real.

  76. Wow. Was the choice of purple for the text color intentional, or something they provided?

    Because that was some mightily purple prose there.

  78. The really sad thing is that I’ve seen remarkably similar cover letters sent with lawyers’ resumes…self-delusion is hardly confined to the literary world. Admittedly, though, none have claimed anything about controlling zombies (actually, that particular skill might merit an interview).

  79. Ken C. – I have been around the block enough times to no longer discount anything as not being possible. There is no reason why it cannot be a real, honest to God, serious letter. In not ascribing to malice that which can be explained by stupidity, I also do not ascribe to satire that which can be also explained by egocentric cognitive dissonance :-)

  81. …and I bet some authors, especially successful ones, have at least have one copy of a cover letter like this in their draft folder.

  82. I absolutely loved it. I agree with Tara, this “kid” is probably a good writer. I think (I hope) that this opens a lot of doors for him, because I would imagine that the editors that read this letter will remember his name. Honestly, I don’t know if it was intended to funny or clever, or if it was actually sincere, either way, I am intrigued. Of course, now that it’s been done and is out there for everyone to see, I can’t try it. Oh well.

    I like it. The cover letter stands as its own creative work of art.

  84. Wait, maybe that is why my book hasn’t been picked up. My letter looks just like this one. Thank goodness John pointed it out. I will now revise everything and include that damn 5th page. Who knew it was that important.

  86. I have read some agent blogs. This kind of thing is not uncommon. Lots of stories of stuck up newbies. This is common in alot of professions. They are essentially know it all newbies.

    I hope you told the guy who wrote this that you poted this on your blog. I would love to see his response to all the posts here.

  88. I think it would be very interesting to see some query letters from writers in the sci-fi/fantasy community. I am curious how people pitched their book.

  89. In my previous experiences of reviewing resumes and college applications, I’ve found that this kind of submission works _once_ and then immediately becomes a well-circulated story of what not to do.

    So the big question is: has this already worked once ? :-)

  90. Thanks for this post John! I laughed until I cried. Transformed my moderately crappy day into a a bit less of a moderately crappy day. Props!

  93. “Violet Thunder” may deserve to join the ranks with “Grenadine Etching” and “I, Libertine” — books that needed to be sold and reviewed before they could be written.
    .
    .

  95. Bob is a figmentationist, a person who can make anything happen that he imagines, except that it is never useful or impactful, and generally only functions when it is convenient for me, the author, to have it do so.

    Absolutely no way.

    I keep rolling 3d6’s and keep coming up a disbeliever.

    I’m wondering if this isn’t something written by Travis Tea (nudge nudge, wink wink) as a follow up to “Atlanta Nights”, or something similar to that.

  98. I’m not being funny – I would *totally* buy this book, hardcover, full retail price. It sounds beyond mere awesome! (I don’t even do that with new Iain M. Banks Culture novels.)

    I agree this is too well written to be anything other than a spoof, but in the unlikely event that it isn’t, I think putting it on the internet for public mockage is just mean. And the world really doesn’t need more mean.

  99. I think this needs a fine, limited edition letterpress broadsheet edition. That’s WINNING.

  103. Did anyone else read the letter thinking it was titled, “VIOLENT THUNDER?”

    This shall be a new internet meme, as we yell VIOLET THUNDER every time we see something so awesomely awesome (i.e., bad) around the internet.

    /VIOLET THUNDER

  104. Do you really have to say “katana wielding swordfighter”? Isn’t it likely that anyone wielding a katana would be a swordfighter? Why would you be carrying it around unless you planned to use it? Are we supposed to believe that it’s a deadly fashion accessory? Now, if he were a “katana wielding gunfighter”, that might be interesting. A “katana wielding quadriplegic who kills with the power of his mind”? Tell me more. But a swordfighter? You call yourself a writer??

    However, I approve of the addition of a lesbian biker gang. Lord knows, The Da Vinci Code would have been improved with a few lesbian biker gangs.

  106. @ADifferentJohn

    I would think zombie-controlling ability would come in handy for managing contract attorneys doing document review.

  107. Is this the new Atlanta Nights?

    I know quality writing, and know a lot of other people who know quality writing. A sample chapter presented to my mother’s book club was described as, and I quote, “like nothing they had ever read before”.

    Well, I’m sold.

  108. If the lesbian biker gang were in fact mean cheerleaders, I would impulse buy this in a heartbeat.

  109. (sigh) It’s succubi, not “succubae”. By Cicero’s head and hands, know your declensions!

  110. Yes, it’s . . . unique . . . but did the author remember to write it on vellum, bind it between leather covers, and ship it in a hand-hewn rosewood box?
    Because that’s the path to success in publishing. I read it somewhere on the intarwebs.

  111. I’m on the fence about the rainbow pooping unicorn. On the one hand, being able to control zombies would be really fucking helpful when the zombie apocalypse comes. Don’t have to worry about running out of ammo, ya know? On the other hand, it’s a unicorn. That poops rainbows. Not that I have an street cred that I have to worry about, but seriously, it’s a unicorn. That poops rainbows.

  113. You had me right up to the point about the unicorn that poops glitter and controls zombies. That’s when it became trite…

  114. #35 John Scalzi:

    I attended private school during my elementary years, then switched to public school from sixth grade on. Starting at that point, and continuing most of the way through HS, I could count on the annual phone call at the beginning of the year from my English teacher. The problem? “Her first paper is much too well-written for a (insert age)-year-old to have written. Did you help her with it, or do you think she plagiarized her material from somewhere?” For the record, the answer to both questions is no. It’s just that I really did (and, I certainly hope, still do) write that well.

  115. I have very good advice for this author. I think that actually getting “published” in a “book” is so yesterday. Yes. they need to use the solutions of tomorrow, today. If you have magical unicorn glitter poop there is but one way I see this working successfully-

    Self Publish!

  117. Y’know, I strongly suspect I’m very bad at writing these things.

    And I still know better than that.

  118. @Joey : no, this is what Narcissistic Personality Disorder looks like. Or a big joke! On us, including the publisher! For fun! I laughed!

  120. allium@109: I guess the author thinks that as succubi are female, they ought to have a feminine ending. But of course it’s not that simple.

  121. Betting pool now open on two points:

    1. Was this a parody by known writer, newcomer self-parodying, or actual serious amateur in EPICFAIL mode?

    2. If a known author (or other author-like known person), who was it?

    Bets on 2 rolled into winners of 1 if it turns out to be an amateur in EPICFAIL, void if it’s a self-parodying newcomer.

    I bet $1 on known writer and $1 on Wil Wheaton as the culprit.

  122. It can’t possibly have been Howett’s cover letter unless she got someone to copyedit it for her. As a whole, it’s insane, but sentence by sentence, it’s coherently written. Ergo, Howett had nothing to do with it.

  125. John H

    You had me right up to the point about the unicorn that poops glitter and controls zombies. That’s when it became trite…

    Same.

  127. Bill,

    I have no doubt that, in your case, avoiding people like the letter-writer is the reason for the trembling hands mentioned in the letter. Just how many emails to break the record for repeated attempts to change your mind after you turned someone’s work down?

    I will throw a few blocks at the next con, especially when they try and tell you how your business should be run.

    Barfing rainbows indeed.

    I want my sTuPiD gUn, NOW.

    Late,

    Griffin

  128. I dunno, it seems like the perfect letter to send in under the name of someone I’d like to get blackballed from writing anything more advanced than chalk doodles on the sidewalk. =eg=

  129. I’m not sure what makes me want to headdesk more, the letter, or all the people who claim to be interested in the story. (Some of you are joking, sure. But some of you…?)

    But good news if this is your kind of thing – now you’ve got the self-published masses to provide you with as much ordinary writing as you want. (See, Howett, J, self-implosion through poor writing. Source, Big Al.)

  130. My reaction? **facepalm** Is it just me or does this author mean for the title to be Violent Thunder? I saw quite a few other spelling errors so I think it must be so. lol I think I’m still in shock. :/

  131. Guess@88: I think it would be very interesting to see some query letters from writers in the sci-fi/fantasy community. I am curious how people pitched their book.

    Short and sweet seems to be the norm:http://www.fictionforum.net/writers/articles/cover-letter-format-124.html

    Example of some bad advice found on the free range web explained here: http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/005212.html

    The example in the original post gets everything wrong, which makes me think its Atlanta Nights/Travis Tea’s (or someone like him) example of how NOT to write a cover letter. i.e. someone who is in the industry who is demonstrating everything NOT to do by showing how painful it looks on paper. (Which is exactly what “Atlanta Nights” is).

    It’s possible this really was a free range cover letter found in the wild, but man oh man if it is, its a cascading series of failures to rival the blackout of ’65.

  133. Is it just me or does this author mean for the title to be Violent Thunder?

    That title would be no good. It makes me think of flatulence.

  134. Thanks, great leader of SFWA and keeper of Baconcat. I haven’t laughed so hard in weeks.

    *where do I send the dry cleaning bill*

  135. John,
    You promised.
    ME–>
    That you wouldn’t post my letter.
    I paid you good money to edit it last year, and you do THIS!?
    You’re going to regret it!
    VIOLENT THUNDER is going to blow OMW out of every reader’s trembling minds.
    You will be kneeling before me by year’s end.
    VT best book written since Frankenstein in 1818.
    You lied.
    And know you will pay the ultimate price for going against the proverbial grain (wood),
    YOU be fade away into obscurity.
    Only freelance editing from heron in for you,
    John Scalzi,
    author of How to Edit an Ebook, 2013.

  138. 137 Andy: Interestingly, the editorial review of Violet Thunder at the Amazon link sounds nothing like the book described above.

  139. I was willing to go with delusion for a while, but I’m calling gag letter. Here’s why: I’m pretty sure that “I always knew that, in the end, I would be…” are the opening words of Twilight.

    Don’t ask me how I know that.

    I SAID DON’T ASK!

  140. At last, the long awaited sequel to Buckeroo Banzai: Adventures in the 8th dimension!

  141. Agree with @122. The grammar is actually quite good.

    Come on, that has to have been written by some author we all know and love. If not John, then who? It’s too freaking funny otherwise. Or someone has been reading too much Twilight.

  144. You’re damn lucky I’d finished my Super Big Gulp before reading this. Otherwise, the Coke would have been shooting out my nose and all over my Logitech G19 keyboard. That’s, like, a $150 keyboard.

    And something tells me that the full-length version of Violet Thunder would make My Immortal look like William Freaking Faulkner.

  145. I’ve read this book.

    Okay, not this book exactly, but a manuscript that was perilously close to this synopsis. Good times.

  146. Ha… thats so bad! I think at least one publisher liked to see the whole script, just because it sounds so stuipd! :-)

  147. I would really like to see what a real author could do with this plot synopsis. Just imagine – Stephen King writing this with Randall Flagg as the villian!

  148. Very funny! Not to mention what could be done with Violet Thunder…sounds like something my dog does after eating too many blueberries.

  149. Oh My Goodness, that’s my cover letter to Random House!!! Who stole my letter?????????????

  151. I think I sent a similar thing to an ad agency once but you are expected to try something different with creative agency cover letters. It didn’t matter too much.

  152. This epic cover letter suggests a contest. The best “worst” cover letter for your favorite Scalzi book? Or favorite SF&F book? (we need more signed copies of Fuzzy Nation our here in Fan Land).

  155. I’m kinda surprised by the people who think this is real… it’s so clearly self-aware and functioning as a parody. Come on, “please respond promptly, as I have simultaneously sent this to literally everyone in the publishing industry that I could find on the internet” is a clear violation of standard submission practice, written in *as funny a way as possible.*

    “Bob is a figmentationist, a person who can make anything happen that he imagines, except that it is never useful or impactful, and generally only functions when it is convenient for me, the author, to have it do so”

    joy and barf rainbows

    “I always knew that, in teh end, I would be fucked by unicorns and glitter”

    Please respond promptly, as I have simultaneously sent this to literally everyone in the publishing industry that I could find on the internet.  If you do not happen to be the first person to snap up the rights to VIOLET THUNDER and all future sequels, I apologize.  Judging by what I think authors make, this series should totally be worth at least a million dollars.

    the sexually repressed high school councilor who is also a troll, and many other things so shocking that you need to read them in context to avoid some sort of brain hemorrhage…”

    Well played, faux submitter. Well played.

  156. I, too, am suspicious of this letter. Not that John or anyone else is pretending to have received it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the letter-writer knew exactly what he was doing.

    It’s still awesome.

  157. I’ve seen this cover letter before. That’s the sad thing. Usually it is handwritten or comes in Courier (because that’s what screenplays use and I’m going to make a billion dollars off the movie rights!).

    I’m not usually one to contribute to bashing would-be authors, but… yeah. It’s like any other job on the face of the planet–if you can’t be bothered to learn at least the basic ground rules (which are simple and easily found and take half an hour to learn), you’re just not going to get invited to the party. We card at the door.

    We card because we care, people!

    (That said, I would like to get the full ms, please.)

  159. I was prepared to say, “But that can’t be even close to the real thing…” and then the
    publishers and agents on this list destroyed that faint glimmer of hope.

    I’m torn between horror and hilarity – a common occurence for this blog.

    So far my favorite line is from Seth @91
    “Employment of Strunk & White is not necessarily indicative of good writing:”

  160. I’m I the only one who thought that letter was awesome! Bad awesome…but man the balls of that guy or girl. I was laughing out loud when I read that. Didn’t that movie just come out last week…Sucker Punch? Anyways I wish I could get the name of whoever wrote that letter and interview them for my blog!

  161. John, you need a protege or a sidekick or whatever. This letter shows potential! Mentor him! Be his Miyagi.

    The genre lacks humor which I am forever grateful to find in your writings.

    I laughed while reading this letter. Not at it it, with it. Obviously, it rose above all of the other letters to be recognized even in this, mocking(?), way.

    Use your powers.

  162. Greg @ 95

    Agree, that’s just too self-aware. The contradictions and delusions I can buy, but not that bit. It’s a very good spoof, though.

  165. Oh, I bet we have to hold our noses when the Voilet Thunder is let loose. Right? That’s his other amazing power; farting Violet Thunder! How funny!

  166. You got an April Fool’s Day joke a couple days early. That’s what happened.

    This is brilliantly hilarious. It makes too many mistakes perfectly to be sincere.

    And “Violet Thunder” is obviously flatulence. Hysterical! (But ‘m the immature sort who thinks fart jokes are the common denominator that binds us all together, or drives us apart to open the windows, as the case may be.)

    TK Kenyon

  167. This made me think of the movie “Gentlemen Broncos” – it’s only missing the Yeast Lords.

  168. Thank you, John, for once again saving me from potential embarrassment and my groundbreaking manuscript from the slag pile. I shall revisit my stock cover letter right now, and perform a few tweaks.

    Just to confirm: you’re saying I should include all FIVE pages of the manuscript, because that’s what these nit-picking editors expect, right?

  169. Dear Author:

    Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, you clearly–and intentionally–violated our submission guidelines, and I must therefore return your submission to you unread.

    We are sure you will find interest elsewhere.

    Best of luck,
    (redacted)

  171. lol
    if you honestly can’t tell that this is the satirical work of a bored creative; that knows he lacks the work ethic to formulate anything publishable.. other than such nonsensical amusements…

    If you can’t catch the self-mocking set-ups..

    Then you are an idiot.

    I have a friend that writes this sort of thing all the time.
    His letter to santa… his resume…

    All epic nonsense.

  174. the psychology behind it (a hypothesis)

    He’s afraid of rejection; because his talent inspires standards that frankly intimidate him.
    So he attaches this as a “haha I’m really not expecting anything to come of it anyways…” as a way to protect his ego.
    It’s the equivalent of self-degrading humor: shooting your self in the foot; as a preemptive measure to take all the thunder out of you doing it.

    If you were as smart – as you are educated – then you’d write him back and encourage him to believe in his self.. and make a serious effort.

  175. I bet if I eat a few bags of Skittles I can get the “barf rainbows” down pat, without having to read 4 pages of unicorns pooping glitter and katanas.

  176. This is quite impressive. Even though I’ve gotten cover letters as bad or worse…I’m tempted to wonder how real it is, other than REAL bad, READ sad, and written by someone. REAL mad.

  177. Oh, thank goodness the title was sarcastic. I was starting to feel afraid halfway through the letter…

  178. Hey, if the manuscript is as good as the cover letter, it could be immensely entertaining. I’d read it.

  179. The idea of a story, of a High School Student, who embodies the spirit of a 900 year old warrior, and must fight his way through his high school against createures who are all disguised as High School Students, teachers and parents … with the proper treatment and solid writing, sounds as though it could make for a pretty interesting story.

  180. OK: The cover letter’s over-the-top, so let’s all pile on.

    BUT – it’s damned entertaining. Unintentionally so, perhaps, but still – how do I know this guy’s book ISN’T just as entertaining?

    After seeing this, any publisher worth a damn has GOT to take a look at the MS. You never know.

WHATEVER


Taunting the tauntable since 1998
John Scalzi, proprietor – JS
Athena Scalzi, contributor – AMS
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