A Week of Silly Polls #2: Find the Psychopath!


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By John Scalzi

I enjoy pie.

84 replies on “A Week of Silly Polls #2: Find the Psychopath!”


Either that, or I shouldn’t have eaten those triple suicide wings last night. But how likely is THAT, really?

He’s actually the rooster in the yard. That sucker tries to sneak up and nail me every couple of days. I turn and catch him at it and he backs off and gives me that “What? I wasn’t doing anything” look.

He is chasing you around the barn with a pair of rusty pruning shears intent on clipping your Achilles tendon. Then he can stand over you and you have not way of escape. ( I can’t take credit for this idea, it was a nightmare of a buddy of mine from high school)

Or… He has uses the microwave to prepare all your burritos so that when you need one you have to make a 2AM run to Taco Bell and there he is waiting for you hidden. Instead of the speaker that you yell into for your burrito supreme order its the pyscho’s mouth your talking into and then he strikes in Hannibal Lector style.

He’s near you. Oh yes. So very near you. Because he _is_you, your other you; the you you don’t know about. He’s awake when you’re asleep. He does things… terrible, obscene things. And you can’t trust your memories, because he does things to them as well.

Now good night and get some sleep, you need your… rest….

He’s hiding in the air conditioning ductwork. But since it’s hot as hell, there isn’t a chance he’ll come out to bother with me. I’m safe until a cool front shows up!

Actually, my guess is he’s been outside for the past month trying to strangle my cable connection, because Whatever takes FOREVER to load these days. Either that or he’s been installing scripts in the page headers to slowly suck the life from me.

Suck all you want, dude. There’s a lot more of me than there is of you!

He is hiding out in the persona of a teenage girl taking gymnastics. When you least expect it, he will launch himself at you from the uneven parallel bars and eviscerate you with his perfectly pointed toes while sticking the landing.

In the closet. With the door just a sliver of an inch open. AAARRRGGGGHHHH – I can’t even stand thinking about it. I’m off to make sure every closet door in the house is tightly closed now.

You’re giving us multiple-choice answers in order to lull us into thinking he’s in one of the suggested places, so clearly he’s somewhere else.

…unless that’s what you WANT us to think.

So clearly, I can’t choose the wine in front of me.

Doug: Fa fa fa FAA fa, fa fa fa FAA fa!

He’s hiding in the curtains. No, not behind the curtains, in them. He’s dissociated into a number of filaments which are woven into the fabric. When the time is right he’ll either smother you or extend the filaments out onto the carpet, reform into a humanoid shape, and proceed as normal for standard serial killer.

He’s the police man ringing your doorbell right now, who has “just a few questions” and “do you mind if I come in?” while flashing his official badge, and before you’ve really considered whether you’re in more trouble letting him in or telling him to stay out, he’s already in and the door closes and you know he’s got a gun and you’ve heard so many stories of the police breaking into the wrong houses because your neighbor is growing weed and they can’t get their numbers straight but what can you do now he’s here and you’re alone…

He resents the label “psycho killer”, and would like to state that “madness” is merely the response of sane individuals to an insane world. He also wants me to tell you to make sure your bloodstream is free of nanobots, and that you’re not supporting the NWO.

“Hiding” doesn’t necessarily suggest I can’t see him; it could simply mean that I would not recognize him for what he was. I don’t have a basement or an attic or a cat. The oven and microwave were empty when I looked. My bed it quite low, so no room there. Voted couch/snoring.

Wait a minute… *I’m* the only one who crashes, snoring, on my couch. Does this mean what I think it does?

I’m guessing he allegedly works as our receiving clerk . If you’ve ever looked in his eyes while yelling at him. you’ve figured out why we go through so many vendors here.
-Hint-do Not dig in the pasture behind our store. I’m not sayin’ he’s buried parts of vendors out there, but I’m not sayin’ that he Hasn’t done that.
This word, I don’t think it means what you think it means.

Since he ambushed me in the bathroom, I had my handy dandy toilet plunger at hand to create a vacuum around his mouth and nose, thereby suffocating him. Then I unceremoniously flushed the talentless psychokiller down the toilet.

I’ve always wondered about the cats. They look like they’re plotting something while snoozing on the couch. Wait, that’s my teenager sleeping on the couch. Nah. Couldn’t be.

Well, at one time he was hiding in the Capitol disguised as the Vice President of the United Stated where he apparently had an underground bunker where he hid out much of the time.

But our psychokiller appears to be many places recently: The Washington Post reported that Cheney purchased a home in McLean, Virginia (Washington suburbs), which he was to tear down for a replacement structure. He also maintains homes in Wyoming and on Maryland’s Eastern Shore.

Our psychokiller’s favorite weapon appears to be a shotgun – with only one victim known to have survived his predatory “hunting trips.”

In a cleverly designed push poll, John Scalzi asked where the Psycho killer was. Actually it was a list of suggestions as to where you should be as the Killer that Scalzi wants you to be. Beware John Scalzi has invaded your mind and you are now doing his Psycho killer bidding. It is a meme virus of epic proportions.

I mean look this poll is really just a conversation that starts but he does not finish- on his blog which I think counts as a real live wire. hmmmn.

Psycho Killer, Qu’est Que C’est?

Wait John is merely a pawn.

David Byrne has taken over his Brain. That is where the Psycho Killer is hiding. David Byrne Through John Scalzi is going to make you a PsychoKiller.

Is that what I backed over this morning? And is that what stinks in the backyard now?

Yikes! I’ve got a squashed serial killer’s corpse in the backyard now.

Wondered why the dog didn’t need fed when I got home.

Crap. Now I gotta go dig a lime pit. Thanks a lot, Scalzi.

I live in Japan, so…

No basement.
No attic.
No bed.
Back seat of the car has child seats….

Wait, what is that thing the kid is playing with? Oh, his birthday present from gramma.

Dang, I knew my mother-in-law didn’t like me, but this is a bit rough.

No, don’t swing that in the car, papa is trying to drive, wait! OW!

In a town in the woods at the top of a hill
There’s a house where no one lives

And the house is dark there’s a noise upstairs
At the top of the stairs there’s a door so you take a deep breath and try it

He’s that last patient I have to see on Friday afternoon while I have the clinic to myself.

Fortunately I know where all his torn ligaments are, so I can basically beat the crap out of him if he tries anything.

I’ll lose my license, of course….

I voted bathroom mirror thingie because my brother is currently snoring on the couch (I’m not even kidding, I swear) and that possibility is just far too disturbing to contemplate.

live in a studio apartment so their’s nowhere for him to hide! He’s outside whining under my window wondering when I’m going to come out. I’ve got enough cliff bars to last a month. Let him grovel!

Some other place I will detail in the comments…

In the shadows. They’re always in the shadows flitting from place to place till they’re right in front of you. Mind you, you turned to catch a glimpse of the flitty thing so you don’t see them standing there till you turn eyes front. Then it’s too late.

He’s doing that thing where he pushes against opposite walls with his feet and hands to hold himself against the ceiling in the hallway, because *no one ever looks UP!*.

Unfortunately, I never walk down that hallway unless I need something out of the spare room, so he’ll eventually get exhausted and fall, accidentally impaling himself on his machete.

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