One of You Just HAD to Do It, Didn’t You

I mentioned the other day that between the Mac Air I just bought and the Mini Cooper we brought home a few months ago, I was only a man bag away from complete hipster bastardry, so of course one of those arrived today, a “gift” from a Whatever reader. Fine: Here I am, resplendent in my hipster bastardy. I hope you’re all happy.

Also, to the person who sent me the man bag: Fuck you, you will get yours. Love, me.

124 Comments on “One of You Just HAD to Do It, Didn’t You”

  1. Man, Mr. Bag Sender, you’d better watch out. This is He of the Velvet Wesley you’re messin’ with here. Daaaark forces. :P

  2. This photo just makes me uncomfortable… but not for the Hipsterishness, but for the “not holding on to the macbook while it tilts away from you” stance.

    I’m imagining that shot being taken a mere second before a small gust of wind makes the slick aluminum unibody of the macbook air break traction with the denim of your jean-clad knees… sending it hurtling towards the gravel below… putting a dent in the bumper cover of the Countryman on the way.

  3. As soon as we can get you to wear those sandals with socks, your journey to the Dark Side will be complete!

  4. I’m not sure if my Timbuk2 messenger bag counts as a proper “man bag”, but it is hands down the single most useful material goods item that anyone has ever gifted me with. I suppose all I need now is a Mini Cooper to descend into the depths of hipster bastardry.

  5. Wait.

    You mean “man bag” isn’t a clever Whateverism? I think I’m a little disturbed.

  6. It wants an ironic t-shirt and maybe some white skinny jeans. Possibly a trucker hat. That is a whole ‘nother level to which you could aspire.

  7. Sitting on the hood of the Mini?! At least you flunk the “Totally at One With My Mini” test. Any true Mini (BMW, Audi, Porsche, whatever) owner would never sit on the hood of their beloved chariot!

  8. All you need now is to fill that bag with a six of PBR and some very recent vinyl LP records of bands we’ve never heard of. Then you’re full-on.

    Oh and also, a scooter that you ride wearing those clothes and a nearly-useless helmet!

  9. Fake.

    That Mac Air was clearly shopped on after the fact.

    I can tell from the pixels and from seeing quite a few shops in my time.

  10. It’s a *satchel.* If it’s big enough to fit a WWII demolition charge, it’s a satchel. Any REAL man needs a place for his explosives in a pinch.

  11. Hat off, John. But as someone I know once said, you’re not fooling anyone.
    I expect a detailed review of the man bag shortly.

  12. Heh. I know you’re playing this up for laughs, John, but after I got my iPad I went looking for a bag that was just the right size to fit that, a water bottle, a camera, and maybe a couple of other this and that. And it was both funny and sad seeing comments on various websites by men about any unisex bag that might (horrors!) be mistaken for a purse.

    I ended up getting a Venturesafe 300 bag from Pacsafe, which so far fits my needs just fine. For various reasons, These days I’m not in much danger of being mistaken for either a hipster or a woman. Or caring if I am, really.

  13. Laura @ 21 has it right. I was going to say that you were missing wearing socks with the sandals. I think you should do a re-shoot to Incorporate that.

    But, remember, to be a hipster, you have to wear the socks ironically.

  14. We called that a “satchel” in my day, sonny.

    Besides, the bedroom slippers announce that you don’t actually care about the hipster pose, and hipsters care about being thought hip, so that makes you genuinely hip and not a hipster at all. If you get my drift.

  15. @Tam – that was my thought too. I wonder how many more will turn up before this post nipsmit in the bud.

  16. =raises eyebrow= A bag like that makes you a hipster?! =boggles= I hate to think what that says about me. I was schlepping a bag like that around for 10 years before I even heard the term “hipster” (true my bag was from the army surplus store & had sci-fie & law enforcement patches stitched on all over it, but still…)
    I like the car though. Very Mr. Bean. =)

    =ducks thrown laptop=

  17. …so… you had a bag like that before it was cool? (just checking i’m being ironic about the right thing there…)

  18. Did you leave your truly hipster white hat in San Diego …. That would be the cherry on top.

  19. I actually laughed out loud. Which means this is seriously funny and needs to be repeated all over the internet. My only question is this: Can Wil Weaton do something funnier?

    This is a dare. Nay, a triple-dog-dare.

  20. I’m thinking the aforementioned Whatever reader beat others to it, or paid extra for faster shipping. That’s what I’m thinking.

  21. The first thing a thought when I saw your post was, “he’s going to get a hundred man-bags.”

  22. Doomed. Completely, utterly, thouroughly, positively DOOMED! Sheesh… you may as well grow your hair out, and sit around in public places and pretend to be doing work on that Mac, your manbag on the table in front of you, sipping an iced latte and dangling your sandals off the ends of your toes.

    In order to get rid of the hipsterism now lurking in your soul, may I suggest you change your attire to Lorica Segmentata..? Also don’t for get to pick yourself up a set of greaves, and a gladius just so you can be sure to smite anyone who refers to your past hipstardry. Redeem thyself young man.

  23. I hear Jon is contemplating a move to Brooklyn. I know it’s just a rumor (okay a rumor I am starting) but…

  24. No, please, keep him away from Portland. Those Portlandia freaks don’t represent us.

  25. As a 60+ guy I think everything looks cool. BUT what I want to know is why blue jeans and sandals? At my age I could see that, but a young guy like you looks kind of out of place.

  26. No no no NO! No hats, unless it is a nifty plumed helmet to go with his lorica segmentata. Sheesh… I’m trying to turn him from the dark side and here you people are egging him on. Just think… he shows up at an important meeting for a new book or a new movie dressed and acting like an Apple hipster… who is gonna take that seriously? Seriously. Now, same meeting: John strolls into the room, lorica segmentata gleaming, red cape swept rakishly over his left arm which cradles his plumed helm in elbow, his right hand resting firmly upon the hilt of his gladius… staring steely-eyed around the room, the gathered executive swallow nervously, knowing that they had best deal in good faith, or before the day is out, their heads will be mounted upon spikes at the building’s entrance. Sweeping aside unimportant paperwork, he places his helmet on the table and leans forward hands clenched, knuckles resting on the table top. Everyone is well aware of his male power and eager to do his bidding.

    Or, he places his manbag on the table, his jaunty white cap perched cheerily upon his head. Leaning back in his chair, he crosses his legs and dangles his sandle from his toes whilst sipping an iced latte. During the meeting he pulls out his gleaming white Mac and decides he has to check the latest posts here at Whatever, then surfs on over to twitter, all the while ignoring the important comments the execs are making about his newest contract. At the end of the day he walks out of the room cheerfully admiring his manbag while the execs sit back content with the fact that John has just signed a contract saying that he is responsible for all publishing costs, and will also pay a hefty bonus to each and every one of them if his latest endeavour sells two or more books.

    You decide people.

  27. You know the only thing separating me from hipster bastardry? Krugerrands.

    And I can practically guarantee that I won’t be getting any of those.

    (Waits by mailbox)

  28. Right now, as we speak, a Dayton artist is cyberstalking the man bag sender and ordering velvet canvass.

    It will be evil, but somehow, not quite awesome.

    The moral of the story – Never give a man bag as a gift.

  29. Yes, that is exactly how I picture Kerouac as he is heading out “on the road”. Sherman set the wayback machine to 1957.

  30. I’ve got a MINI (note hipster spelling) and a plethora of man-bags in small, medium and large. But no Mac, and I don’t do anything ironically. Is there such a thing as sincere or unintentional semi-hipsterness?

  31. @Dave
    “This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.”-HAL9000

    Please do not derail my attempts to save John with tales of inadvertent hipsterism. We all have moment of accidently falling into one or another of the hipster fads. Little did I know that my PBR fetish would be glommed onto by hipsteristas. I urge you to join me in my fight to reclaim John from the pod people… before he is taken over by the Stepford Badgers.

  32. I think the new Fiats are the new Mini Cooper it’s true! So despite the man bag posing it just may be a miss, and therefore Mr John is Safe….!

  33. I think you need a pony tail to complete the look. Maybe you have one have you ever posted a side view?

  34. The hipsters in Seattle also roll a pantleg up to partway up the calf. Not both pantlegs, just one. And they’ve started wearing bandana’s around their necks. I think they’re waiting for a dust storm. It’s going to be a long wait here.

  35. Oops! Sorry for the blind link–I hit Post too quickly. It’s not porn or an attempt to sell you discount Nikes or iPods, but the title is not work-safe.

  36. Hate to be a hater, but I bought a bike messenger bag 20 odd years ago back when there were still bike messengers hauling documents around. Probably the single most useful luggage-like thing I’ve ever owned. Great for plane trips, overnights (can easily put 1-2 days worth of underwear and socks, along with a spare shirt and minimal hygiene items in it), and of course errands on the bike (while mots definitely not wearing colorful bodytight lycra outfits).

    But then again I suppose it’s also in how you use it–in an ironic, hipster fashion toting your iPad and cupcakes to the happening new bar, or on a beat-up old bike daring the cage drivers with the final act of defiance.

  37. “”Your transformation will be complete when you are depicted smoking Parliments!””

    Or a houkah…

  38. i don’t think a proper hipster would own a mini cooper. you need to get a fixed gear bike.

  39. Where’s the bad? How can *anyone* live without a bag? Trying to mean something so useful by calling it a manbag … that’s just envy talking. Envy and spite.

  40. Gouge out my eyes, gods! For never will they see such an awe-inspiring sight as this sandaled hipster with a detachable halo on his lap, complete with bag. Hail the almighty for the angels have returned to . . . Ohio?! Ohio?! Huh? Wait! Oh, Christ! This isn’t the second coming! Get off me you glorified winged freak! I mean . . . No self-respecting freak would be caught dead with . . . with . . . with . . . THAT damnable bag!!!!!

  41. Wiredwizard @ 30 – So, what you’re saying is: you had one of those before it was cool?

    There’s a joke, you know: How did the hipster burn his mouth?

  42. For no apparent reason, that picture cheered me up.
    And thanks to Digital Atheist for the lessons on roman armour :)

  43. At least with an infant/toddler, I can carry around pretty much any kind of bag and get no looks or hipster accusations.

  44. I have a carryall, too, but I call it my “Bag of Holding”, which gets me much more respect.

  45. Oh John, they cheaped on you. Surely you deserve a leather man bag. Don’t despair. Some of the most manly men I know have carried them for years. The hipsters don’t own it.

  46. @#81 Nikitta
    I picked lorica segmentata for join because, well it does look bad-ass. However, he could also dress in lorica hamata (chain mail armor) or lorica squamata (scale mail armor) and undo the rampant hipsterism running through his veins. No matter which he chooses, he should decorate it with appropriate Legio XIII markings and pretend he is crossing the Rubicon in to Roman territory under arms. Before long his business dealings would become MUCH more enjoyable, at least on his end of the bargain. :D

  47. Jett @ 67 Your transformation will be complete when you are depicted smoking Parliments!

    Smoking Parliment is reserved for November 5th.

  48. Starbucks? Scalzi’s not going to Charbucks, you corporate sellouts. He’s going to an awesome local coffee shop that has cultural open-mike events every Thursday. You probably haven’t heard of it, though.

    And yes, a visit to Portland is definitely warranted.

  49. Bacon and Lorica Segmentata! (Samurai armor for for formal black-tie events maybe).

  50. The sandals are much worse than the man purse. Tell us that the sandals are not normal attire, that you just put them on for effect. If not, is your daughter not old enough to ridicule you into waring Italian loafers sans socks?

  51. I think the most appalling thing is that you’re wearing jeans in Ohio during a heatwave with the humidity hovering around 120%.

    Sweating in Cincinnati

  52. At this point, I think the only hipster cliche that hasn’t been mentioned yet is that you need to get a really douchey-looking tattoo. Or two or three. Of course, if you really want tips on how to fully descend into hipster bastardhood, take a look at

  53. Abraham Lincoln was reported to have asked, “If you call the tail a leg, how many legs does a dog have?” The answer he gave was four because, “Calling a tail a leg does not make it so.”

    Calling a purse a “man bag” does not change that it is a purse.

    \not a hipster

  54. A short quote from D.K Moran’s latest Continuing Time novel, I think it applies…

    “Everything is under control,” Trent said. “Everything is cool. In fact,” he said, “we are cool. Cool, young, hip, and in control.”

    Trent could hear the quote marks around the word. “‘Hip’? I don’t think I know that slang.”

    “It’s like cool,” said Trent, “but it requires more work.”

    “More work.”

    “Well, that’s not accurate actually,” said Trent thoughtfully. “Being cool requires no work. Mostly it requires detachment. You can be cool and not care about being cool. Being hip requires style and effort. You can’t be hip without working at it.”

  55. Nice. But I wouldn’t say you’re a hipster, maybe just a geek. A really cool geek, with really cool stuff.

  56. Doesn’t listening to Journey pretty much eliminate the possiblity of you being a hipster?

    Unless you are just being a hipster ironically?

    Or is that too meta?

  57. Please for the LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY tell me those pants don’t have metal rivets.

    no butt-scooching! Gah! it burns! it burns!

  58. I’m so cool, you could store a side of beef in me for a month. I’m so hip, I can barely see over my pelvis.

  59. Sorry, John. Ability to laugh at oneself? Total systemic #hipsterdouchefail. Good try, though.

  60. Sigh, I guess the idea of talking you into some nice Roman armor is not possible? hmmm? Come on John… you know you want to give it a go. ;-)

  61. I hate to add a note of almost relevance to this discussion, but did anyone else notice one of the items Chicon 7 is offering with its logo on it? Yup, a purse/satchel/bag. Your choice of black or olive green. (Technically it’s OffWorld Designs that makes it.)

    So what do us loyal Whateverites do? All buy one and follow Scalzi at the con around waving our bags in the air? “It’s a man bag!” “No, it’s a purse!” “No, it’s a satchel!” We have just over a year to decide.

  62. By taking this picture posing as a hipster, isn’t John being a hipster ironically? Doesn’t that then tip him over the edge into hipster-ness?

  63. Mr. Scalzi kind of reminds me of Brent from PVP. A possible Halloween costume, perhaps?

  64. Car-go macair summer (bastardization of cognito ergo sum). OK, it doesn’t really work…

  65. @Greg #107 Quoting Douglas Adams is always a good thing (FSVO “always”), but seeing it without attribution annoys me, but maybe it’s not necessary since everyone in here will recognise it?

    but to complete it – I’m so cool, I could flummox a vegan snow lizard :D

  66. You know, that looks just like Harlan Ellison’s hood ornament, except more like John Scalzi.

  67. I’m so out of touch with allegedly hip things that I had to look up ‘soul patch’. Please, for the love of everything everywhere, don’t add one to the mix, John!

  68. It’s the pose that really does it for me. The inquisitive look, staring into the distance, clearly thinking obscure thoughts “you’ve probably never heard of.” I bow to your hipsterly presence.

  69. Sigh. Ignore my final sentence, John. I cannot get back at it to edit, and it was a result of not reading closely, on top of not being able to see the picture while at work. Stupid work firewalls that block flickr.

  70. Ewww. Send it back; it’s all plasticy! Demand a bag from Portmanteau in Portland ME. Heavy canvas or rich brocade, brass fitments, butter-soft wide leather strap and bottom brace. That’s a REAL MAN bag. I’ve had one for years (dark blue canvas) and I’m wearing it out, but I can’t give it up, even though I priced a new one the other day and it really isn’t that much if you amortize it over =cough= years.

    Jack Tingle

  71. I tried running the image through that magical TV CSI software, magnify the reflections off of John’s glasses bounced back from his eyes, off the widshield and inverted towards the camera to see if there are scratches on that beautiful shiny hood, but that only works on TV!!!!!!! Gaaahhhh!!!!!!! Wait, I know. I will hack into the pentagon computers, redirect the satelite orbit, have it do a fly over of the scalzi compound and see if there are scratches on that gorgeous shiny hood. *but that on works in movies!!!!* gaaaaahhhhh!!!!!

  72. The Starbucks jokes would have more heft if the anonymous bastard who sent the bag had it custom-embroidered with “Not Fooling Anyone”.

%d bloggers like this: