You Don’t Have to Be Murderously Jealous of My Awesome Official Redshirts Red Shirt

First, look upon the awesomeness that is the official Redshirts red shirt, replicating as it does the shirt on the cover of my upcoming novel. Yes, I stand proudly in the knowledge that this shirt is the best shirt that has ever existed in this or any other known universe. As if to make that point, second, look upon the John Scalzis from alternate timelines, intent on murdering me! Why? Because they know this shirt is so awesome that THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. One shirt to rule them all and in the darkness bind them! Thus the knife and bat.

Silly alternate universe John Scalzis! It’s too late for that! Because in this timeline, anyone can get an official Redshirts red shirt, because as we all know the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one, or the multiple ones in alternate universes. And how do you get an official Redshirts red shirt? You follow this link to the Tor.Com Redshirts Shopping Guide, which will tell you everything you need to know for the purchase. And while you’re at Tor.Com, you can check out other, various red shirts, and red shirt-related gifts and objects. But just remember, while those are all very nice, the official Redshirts red shirt is awesome. And can be yours.

You’ll have to handle your murderous alternate universe versions of yourself on your own, however. I suggest attack cats. It’s what worked for me.

40 Comments on “You Don’t Have to Be Murderously Jealous of My Awesome Official Redshirts Red Shirt”

  1. I will note that while anyone can get the official Redshirts red shirt, the one I am possession of is in fact the very first official Redshirts red shirt.

  2. changterhune – Before you hear lies from Chang Terhune himself, we thought we’d tell you the truth: without us, his old action figures, he’d be nowhere. He loved science fiction from way back and began reading it at an early age, but it was through us that he acted it all out. That’s what led to the writing. He watched a lot of science fiction shows like Star Trek, U.F.O, and movies, too. But we were always there to do his bidding. And it’s like they say: you always forget about the little people on your way up. Oh, the 70’s and early 80’s with him were good times! He’d use these blocks and make all the crazy buildings for us to be in his stories. I gotta say the kid’s imagination was pretty damn fertile. Oh, he had friends, but they just weren’t into it like him. He was like the Lance Armstrong of action figures. And of science fiction. At first, when he began writing in the eighth grade, we didn’t mind. He still made time for us. And we knew that when he was holding us in his sweaty little hands and he got that far off look in his eye, he’d come back to burying us in the back yard or - god forbid! – blowing us up with firecrackers. But it was worth it for a part in one of those stories. We loved him for it. He kept us around even when we were minus a leg or two - or even a head. In that mind of his, he found a use for all of us. Then he discovered girls. October, 1986. It was like the end of the world. One day we’re standing in the middle of this building block creation he’d pretended was some marble city on a planet near Alpha Centauri and the next we were stuck in a box in the closet. Not even a “See ya later!” Nope, it was into the closet, then we heard some high-pitched girly-giggles then silence. We didn’t see him for years. We got word about him once in a while. Heard he took up writing, but it was crap like “The Breakfast Club” only with better music. We couldn’t believe it. Not Charlie. What happened to those aliens with heads he’d sculpted out of wax? Spaceships? Those complex plots? All gone. For what? You guessed it: Girls. Emotions. “Serious fiction.” I tell you, it was like hearing Elvis had left the building. During our two decade exile in the closet, we heard other things about him. He went to college. He wrote a lot, but not much he really liked. We knew it even then. It was like he didn’t dare write science fiction. Some of us had lost hope and just lay there. Others kept vigil, hoping for a day we didn’t dare speak about. Then we heard he’d stopped writing in 1996. Did he come to reclaim us? No. He took up music for ten years or so. He took up yoga. Once in a while, he’d visit us in the closet. But it was half-hearted. His mind was elsewhere. Then one day, he really did come back for us. One second we’re in the dark and the next thing we know we’re in a car headed for Massachusetts. Suddenly we got a whole shelf to ourselves out in broad daylight! Then he bought a bunch of others form some planet called Ebay. He’d just sit and stare at us with that old look. But why were we suddenly back in the picture? He had a wife now, who didn’t mind that he played with us. So what had happened? Turns out he’d never forgotten about those stories. He’d been thinking about all of us and the stories he’d made up and then remembered he’d been a writer once. From the shelf we could see him typing away. Before long he’s got a whole novel together! Then he’s working on another one. Word is there are two more in the planning stages! Some short stories, too! It’s good to see him using his imagination again. Its good to know he never abandoned us. He returned to his true love of science fiction. We hear the stories are pretty good. Someday we’ll get one of the cats to score us a copy of the manuscript. Man, it’s good to be out of the damn closet! --- I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me

    Wow. Just… Wow!

  3. Wow. That is the reddest red shirt I’ve ever seen. The only way it could be any redder, is if it actually *emitted its own red light*.

    Hm. Would it be better to embed thousands of tiny red LEDs in it, or could we somehow weave it out of electroluminescent cloth?

  4. I’m confused. I thought the archetype for the alternate universe evil twin was to have a goatee. How do we tell the three of you apart? For all we know, the one in the middle is an alternate universe evil twin Scalzi who has taken unjust possession of the True Redshirts T-Shirt, and the Scalzi with the bat is the good Scalzi who is trying to kill him to reclaim it for the forces of truth and light. And the alternate universe evil twin Scalzi is just TELLING us that he’s the real one so we’ll help him in his nefarious plot.

    Oh, woe!

  5. Oddly, I didn’t see an alt-Scalzi with a knife … I saw an alt-scalzi sticking his hand into the blades of the ceiling fan. The knife may make more sense in context (which I hadn’t read yet), but I think my version has it’s own charm.

  6. Richard Norton: Wow, and I thought *my* eyesight was bad! Yeah, even I could tell that’s a knife he’s holding.

    rickg: You’re right! I don’t see any of the other animals, either. I wonder if Scalzi’s tshirt awesomeness was just too much for them to bear?

    But anyway…cool shirt, Scalzi!


  7. The Scalzi from the knife-wielding alternate universe is holding his knife upside down and with only one finger around the grip. I’d put my money on bat-wielding Scalzi.

    Will one of you tell us which one wins?

  8. One shirt to rule them all and in the darkness bind them!

    I’m sorry, but I can’t accept that this shirt was possibly forged in the fires of Mount Doom. First of all, assuming the shirt is 100% cotton (or for that matter any current t-shirt material), the temperatures would cause the t-shirts to catch fire way before the screen printing would be applied. In addition, given what we know about the dexterity of orcs and goblins, it is unlikely they would be able to craft such a high-quality product, and labor costs for uruk-hai would likely be prohibitive for anything but a very limited run. Finally, the red of the shirt looks way too unnatural for anything not elven-made and ensorcelled with chromatic enhancement magic, which I highly doubt they would have done for a mass-produced item such as this. Nice try, Scalzi, but if you don’t have the science behind it, I’m going to call this claim misleading.

  9. > “Sufficiently Viscous Loom” is…
    > Nah, forget it.

    … your Weavers cover band?

    Out of idle curiosity, why the odd grip on the knife, with the outstretched fingers? That might be what confused Mr. Norton.

  10. How do we know that any of these is our real John Scalzi? Maybe they’re all world-line jumpers!

    Or maybe there were always four of them (three and the photographer) to begin with!

  11. Alternate universe twins are necessarily more similar than different. Otherwise they wouldn’t be twins at all but two completely random people, or one could be a person and the other a platypus. So given the existence of two evil John Scalzis, we should consider the likelihood that all three are evil.

  12. AlternaScalzi is going to cut himself badly if he keeps holding the knife like that. And BatScalzi needs to choke up on it with both hands. Just some friendly advice before they begin their mayhem. It’s not like I’ve got fifteen dollars and a vintage book riding on this fight or anything …

  13. I’m waiting to see if Dr. Sheldon Cooper will be sporting one of the Redshirts on Big Bang Theory, since he seems to enjoy wearing sci-fi themed shirts. Perhaps you could talk Wil Wheaton into wearing one next time he does a guest spot. “It tasks me, it does…”

  14. Why settle for attack cats…once I get my mad scientist hat firmly seated, I’m converting all of out cats to cyber-feline overlords (because of course I can control them…).

  15. Attack Cats!? Phagh! The future is going to be in attack Llamas, John. Get in on the ground floor on this,please.
    And I would give you $30 for a poster of attack Llamas in Red Shirts…

  16. Karen: Oh good, I wasn’t the only person whom saw Dr. Parrish.

    John, I love your work, I want your book, but $35+shipping for your awesome shirt? There had better be nekkid lady pictures or other such gold packaged with it.

  17. I feel like there’s a fundamental flaw in the idea that a red shirt is so awesome that there can only be one when the whole idea of the redshirt is that there’s so many of them and they’re disposable.

  18. Meh. I’d settle it with an epic Paranoia session where the only one to gain the Official Red Shirt would be the player who successfully survived the mission WITHOUT being promoted. After all, you can’t wear anything red when your security level is GREEN. That would be against The Rules, Citizen.

  19. I look really, really horrible in red. Really.

    Can I have one in black, that says ‘This shirt is red in an alternate reality’?

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