I Find It Appalling There Are No Google Results For “Conan the Gozerian”

And, thus, this post.

My work here is done.

Also: Quick! Someone! Make fan art!

Update: 10:30pm: THERE IS FAN ART.

Also, here.

By John Scalzi

I enjoy pie.

34 replies on “I Find It Appalling There Are No Google Results For “Conan the Gozerian””

And yet I am happy to report that at least two people uploaded illegal copies of Conan the Librarian to YouTube, and it even has a Wikipedia entry. “Don’t you know the Dewey Decimal System!?!”

Some short synopses of parts of the Conan/Murray canon:

The Earth-Swine’s Fete (Howard, 1934) – After rescuing a weather-witch and her bumbling servant from Pictish marauders, Conan enters a remote village in search of shelter from a massive snowstorm. The party is caught up in a weird festival celebrating a local rodent of unusual size, and during the celebration the haughty sorceress spurns Conan’s rough attempts to seduce her and curses him before vanishing in a flurry of snow. Over the next sennight, the mighty Cimmerian realizes he has been caught in a fiendish magical trap – each day proceeds as the one before, with him waking as the festival is starting anew, and falling asleep at its end. At first he enjoys the thought of spending unending days pillaging the local land of Pen-Sel-Tukki, and endless nights feasting and wenching, but eventually he wearies of the constant frivolity and seeks escape – all the more so when a fatal encounter with a runaway horse makes him aware that even death is no guarantee of deliverance…

Night of the Yulewraiths (de Camp, 1957) – Set in the days when Conan was King of Aquilonia, the
ruler finds himself spending the Yulenight assailed by spirits summoned by the impish wizard-prince Tine-tem of neighboring Ophir. They tempt him with visions of his past life of adventure, mock him with the celebrations of the common folk outside the palace walls, and assail him with foresight of his eventual infirmity and death. But as long as the heart of Conan beats, and his hand is able to wield a sword, no eldritch magery will lay him low…

The Game of Dimpled Death (Carter, 1978) – Conan is caught burglarizing a wealthy merchant’s mansion in Argos and is forced by a crazed judge to join him and ten other unfortunates in a deadly contest involving hitting small bone balls with razor-sharp clubs made from iron, wood, and less savory materials. The winner will receive their freedom and their weight in gold – the losers will be fed to the terrifying Tunneling Beast of the Greens. And Proctor El-Hu the Small has not lost in four-and-twenty years…

Red Nails, Orange Kitties: A Conan/Garfield/Heathcliff Crossover, (User “lorenzomusiclives”, Story Archive, 2007) – [[REDACTED]]

You do not have to be appalled any longer, Mr. Scalzi. I just did a search, and Google came back with about 391,000 results. That is without quotation marks. If you put “conan the gozerian” in quotation marks, you get only 621 results. Still, you no longer have a reason to be appalled.

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