Lopsided Cat Would Like to Welcome You to Whatever’s 7,000th Post

“Hello, you talking monkey things. I have been informed that we have arrived at the occasion of the 7,000th entry on Whatever, and that as is custom with you incomprehensible monkey things, this occasion must be marked with some special event. So here is the special event. First, I will sleep. Then I will doze. Then I will nap. Then, I will come to your house and deliver a disemboweled but still living creature onto your doorstep. As is the custom of my people. Then I will stare at you, unsettlingly, for several minutes without blinking. This is also the way of my people.

“What is that, incomprehensible talking monkey things? You do not wish for a living but eviscerated creature to be delivered to your door? Well, fine. Refuse my gifts, then. I will speak no more to you, monkey things. You go now. I have napping to attend to. It’s serious business. Clearly you wouldn’t understand. Incomprehensible talking monkey things understand so little.”

34 Comments on “Lopsided Cat Would Like to Welcome You to Whatever’s 7,000th Post”

  1. Our younger cat catches birds and mice, but our older cat regularly brings worms into the house.
    This is one thing I, as an incomprehensible monkey thing, do not understand.

  2. As a person who thinks he is a talking dog, I found this post quite disturbing.

  3. @Dave Barnson, maybe your older cat is trying to feed the birds that the younger cat brings? Misguided but sweet.

  4. I swear I could *hear* a deep, drawly, rather sardonic and rasping voice! (With an English accent, in my case, though I realise that logically LC is American.)

  5. For a second there I thought that the picture of lopsided cat was a picture of Chewbacca in his chair on the Falcon. What’s it say that your copilot is an overweight cat?

  6. Scorpius:

    The funny thing is that he’s not overweight, he’s just big. He’s mostly an outdoor cat and gets lots of exercise, and regularly runs down rabbits. He’s kind of terrifying, if you’re his size or smaller.

  7. I would fall off my chair if my dog sized cat brought me home a “gift”. Not because it would freak me out. It’d be because he’s such a wussy!! He takes on the kitten just fine, but the other cats beat him down cause he lets them. I’m not sure he actually knows what a big man he is! Maybe naming him Pee Wee gave him a complex?? hehe

  8. 20 pounds is starting to seem normal. Our part-Maine-Coon weighs less than that but looks bigger; we also have a pair of siblings of your standard DSH variety (one was almost a dead ringer for Zeus sans the spot on his nose) who are 25 and 28 pounds currently. Yes, we’re trying to exercise them more. Yes, they’ve been eating diet food for the past few years. One of them gained seven pounds in a single year, and this was after she was full-grown.

    None of them hunt, though, because all seven of our cats are indoor. So unless they start eviscerating each other we’re safe from that particular mark of feline affection.

    (The other four are 13, 11, 9, and just barely 7lbs. The nine-pounder wrestles the 25-pounder, the seven-pounder likes to chase the 19-pounder, and the 28-pounder is effectively bullied by the 13- and 11-pounders. I don’t think any of them have an idea of their relative sizes, except the 19-pounder, who knows damn well he’s Top Cat.)

  9. Once had a brownish tiger cat looking much like LC and running in the same weight class. He was named Constantine for college fraternal reasons, but he was Susan Ivanova’s Death Incarnate to any critter rabbit-size and smaller. He died peacefully in his sleep at age 18, just 2 days before his appointment to meet death artificially. Damn old cat knew when it was time to quit. That was over 10 years ago and I still miss him to this day, as he pulled me through a particularly rocky period in my immediate post-college days.

    And yes, he could pull that same face of utter disdain for thumbed creatures.

  10. Congrats to LC–I’d toss you some freeze-dried chicken if you were within reach. I have given some to Dotz the havana as a substitute. She says it was delicious.

    Way too much cat info follows–please skip if you don’t care.
    I’m feeling obliged to point out, though, to those with large cats . . . although I have seen (and handled) a 27 lb. maine coon, purebred male maine coons *average* between 15 & 18 lbs at maturity (reached at five years). Make no mistake–they are large cats, but many domestic long- and shorthair cats (like LC) are larger. Often the largest cat at a cat show is being exhibited in the household pet class . . . .

    As far as purebred cats go, the breeds that grow the largest are the maine coons, the ragdolls and the siberians.

    Early generation wild-cat crosses (cats with a wild cat parent or grandparent) can also be quite large, but may be “less domestic” in their behavior and need special handling. These are first- and second-generation chausies (jungle cat crossses) or savannahs (serval crosses). With proper precautions and care, these cats can make very special and impressive pets.

    To tell if your cat is fat: span the cat’s shoulders and run your hand down the cat’s spine. If you don’t feel a noticeable bulge as you run your hand past your cat’s belly to the start of its back legs, then your cat is *not* fat, no matter how much it weighs. Some cats are healthy at 6 lbs, others at 26 lbs.

  11. I have a 32 lb black monster of unknown specific subspecies of cat (“Juju”) and a 25 lb Maine Coon (“Mr Grey”), along with 3 others of more normal sizes (11 and 12, and 9 lb who was 12 until he passed 13 years old).

    Juju can stretch out and reach both sides of the California King bed we have (tip of paw to tip of tail). When he reached full size, the dominance games with the older Mr Grey came to an abrupt end when Juju ran up and body-checked Mr Grey, who flew a couple of feet sideways through the air doing 1.5 full rolls (feet down-left-up-right-down-left-up-landed on his back). That ended that dispute. Seeing a 25 lb Maine Coon tumbling through the air was impressive.

    Juju was sitting on my shoulders, head-butting my left cheek with his tail wrapped around under my nose from the right, at the moment that I first saw the Geico “Rescue Panther” commercial. I so wished someone had had a video camera right then…

  12. England is apparently having a run of super-size foxes: coincidence?
    I think not.

  13. @onalark

    Good grief, you’re right. It is Isaiah Mustafa’s voice.

    I feel a sudden need to get on a horse.

  14. He is a gorgeous boy, and I would never turn away an eviscerated but still living creature. Nice to meet you, Lopsided Cat.

    And happy 7000th, John.

  15. “Is it…wrong that I’m hearing this post in Isaiah Mustafa’s voice?” — onalark

    I heard the EXACT same voice. And, really, it was awesome.

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