I’ve Apparently Invented the Word “Assnard”

This very day!

I was using it to refer to the homophobes popping up in the Kirk Cameron thread, who apparently think I’m going to let their bigoted, contentless ravings clutter up the site.


Anyway, now you have a new word. Use it. Love it. Live it. But don’t be one.

84 Comments on “I’ve Apparently Invented the Word “Assnard””

  1. I’m using it today, as often as I can squeeze it in, although I’m not sure how it will effect the mark I’m going to get on the Art History paper I’m currently writing…

    I’ll let you know how that works out.

  2. But isn’t there a… oh, wait, that’s Asgard, never mind. I’ll have to start slipping this one into casual conversation. Although I have to admit I’m still fond of Christopher Moore’s “butt nuggets” as a descriptor.

    I wonder whom you have to lobby to get this on the “Learn a New Word a Day” calendars?

  3. I hereby do my part to sustain the use of the word “assnard”. I think one criterion should the “Cameron intellectual index”, in which a candidate for the title of assnard is evaluated on whether they too would consider evolution to be explicable with the use of a banana.

    Condoms, no, evolution, yes. I think I just blew out one of my brain lobes.

  4. Overlaps HBO’s “Game Change.” The beginning and ending of this TV movie: were gripping. Terrifying to see how America came one election and one heartbeat away from President Palin, about whom the character portrayed by Woodrow Tracy “Woody” Harrelson says simply: She doesn’t know anything.”

    Who knew that Nehemiah Scudder, the fictional President (2012-2015) and First Prophet (2016-?) of the United States of America in Robert A. Heinlein’s “Future History” series. … converting the US from a democracy into a theocracy, might be a homophobic woman.

  5. Personally, I think all bannings due to anti-gay bigotry should be followed by a mandatory screening ala-Clockwork Orange of Samwell’s “What What (In the Butt)” by those banned

    I won’t link to it, but don’t blame me if you google it and watch it.

  6. I happened to come look at the ongoing discussion right when that guy Ken was needling you. All I was thinking was, come on dude, if you want to find out what happens when John gets angry at someone on here keep going. He did, and got banned. If anyone who reads this thinks it’s a good idea to basically run around John laughing and poking him, or doing that to anyone else really, you have earned the name Assnard.

  7. So what does this word mean, or is a simple substitute for another word likely to get caught in filters, much like frikking, freaking, or (incorrectly) frigging.

  8. Ron Mitchell:

    It was interesting how quickly he abandoned his theory that one should be kind. As long as you don’t count the passive-aggressive “hugs,” which I don’t. That shit was creepy.

  9. It was really creepy. I wanted to say something but as usual you are more than capable of handling crap like that

  10. Does an assnard actively discriminate or is a person who disagrees with homosexuality but agrees with equal protection an assnard?

  11. I think a person who thinks ‘disagree with homosexuality’ refers to anything in the real world already has a certain amount of assnardity.

    I disagree with left-handedness myself. *starts to scrape assnardity off*

  12. I know grognard, and growing up, we may have called each other the un-pc ‘asstard’ (asshole + retard) but assnard is a new one. A good day’s work in the mines of invective.

  13. grognard m (plural grognards): an old veteran soldier; specifically of the grenadiers of the Imperial Guard (Grenadiers à Pied de la Garde Impériale); an old complaining soldier


  14. Jonathan Vos Post:

    Overlaps HBO’s “Game Change.” The beginning and ending of this TV movie: were gripping. Terrifying to see how America came one election and one heartbeat away from President Palin, about whom the character portrayed by Woodrow Tracy “Woody” Harrelson says simply: She doesn’t know anything.”

    What I found even more terrifying was that Steve Schmidt (the character Harrelson plays) was supposedly a high powered campaign strategist. The McCain campaign — already a running buffet of ad hoc incompetence – was put in the hands of a man whose wretched cynicism was only exceeded by his utter ineptitude. As others have pointed out, Palin would have been more thoroughly vetted if she was applying for an entry-level clerical job at the White House or The Pentagon. But that’s a whole other argument for another time and place…

  15. There are many useful 18th century insults which could stand to be revived,
    such as cully, or bampot (bampot may still be current in Scotland, I don’t know).

    But I’ve always liked the 18th century diseases – the marthambles, the hocklegrock,
    the sweet fives, and of course the rising of the lights. Much more interesting than
    the modern, very long, latin names.

  16. I like it. Changing the t to the n here does a very nice job of making it a more socially acceptable expression, much like the p-to-w change did for wussy. More severe cases might be dubbed pucknards …

    Hadn’t been reading the homophobic stuff, I pretty much never do since it’s all the same and having gone to high school in Ohio in the 70s I already have my quota, but do you prefer that “assnard” refers to a specific kind of aggressive ignoramus (in the way that a douchebag is not just any idiot, but an entitled idiot who thinks his/her desires and habits are the laws of the universe and attempts to correct those who see it differently) or just to disagreeable people generally?

  17. I believe this word will fall into the same group as “Lombard” from the book “Pattern Recognition”
    If you’re not familiar it stands for, “Lots of money but a real D*CK”

    Anyway, creating a new word that most everyone agrees has an immediate reference and point of use is well done. I’m waitng for it to be added to the dictionary eventually. Along with Assoholic and Asstard. I’m stealing all three for use this next week. I know some of those people and just wasn’t sure what to call them. Now I do. ; )

  18. Look, there are at least two sides to every debate. I bet the Cameron camp is coming up with a word to describe people like John.

    The word is probably, “Doodyhead”.


  19. In olden tymes, ‘nard’ was a very pricey type of anointing oil. Jesus had some nard rubbed on his head about a week before his crucifixion (or several months in advance, depending on which gospel you read).

    I strongly doubt this is the type of nard John had in mind (I know I wouldn’t refer to a bigoted ignoramous as “fragrant ass-oil”). Still, the thought struck me as kinda funny, and I felt compelled to share.

  20. Scalzi brand “fragrant ass-oil” – if that was a real thing my Christmas shopping would be done and dusted (if somewhat shiny and tacky to the touch) before Easter.

  21. @C W Rose “bampot” is indeed still current in Scotland. I was using it only this afternoon. It’s not very severe, though, and can even carry overtones of somewhat despairing fondness for the person it’s aimed at. “Scunner” is probably better for the present purpose.

  22. Presumably we can anglicize it as arsenard?

    @C W Rose – another good one still in common use, dunderheid.

  23. I subjected myself to a 45-minute marathon of going through that comment thread and I can say without hesitation that “HUGS, JOHN” will *not* be the name of my next band.

  24. I love seeing new language created. Assnard is such a perfect word for a certain portion of the population. I shall have to find a way to work it into formal government documentation.

  25. I just looked at that thread for the first time since the day it was posted. Holy cannoli! 470+ comments! Some of them as long as magazine articles.

  26. Craig Ranapia is right that Harrelson’s Steve Schmidt was creepy. Like his role in Rampart. And, probably, Haymitch Abernathy in The Hunger Games (not released until 23 March 2012).

    I knew a PhD in Physics friend of mine was nuts when, during Palin’s convention acceptance speech, he literally jumped up and down, shrieking and clapping his hands, saying over and over with each pandering soundbyte of hers: “That’s POLICY!”

    Makes me seem very geeky, but “assnard” did make me first think of The Grignard reaction (pronounced /ɡriɲar/) — an organometallic chemical reaction in which alkyl- or aryl-magnesium halides (Grignard reagents) add to a carbonyl group in an aldehyde or ketone. This reaction is an important tool for the formation of carbon–carbon bonds. The reaction of an organic halide with magnesium is not a Grignard reaction, but provides a Grignard reagent. As wikipedia remind me (my Chem books from when I taught the subject” are in another room) Grignard reactions and reagents were discovered by and are named after the French chemist François Auguste Victor Grignard (University of Nancy, France), whom you may recall was awarded the 1912 Nobel Prize in Chemistry . Grignard reagents are similar to organolithium reagents because both are strong nucleophiles that can form new carbon-carbon bonds. Also “asstard.” I wrote chapter of ALZHEIMER’S WAR last month about the French acrobatic performer Jules Léotard (1842–1870) from whom the skin-tight one-piece garment, that covers the torso but leaves the legs free, was named.

    Palin’s convention acceptance speech. Not for a Hugo or Nebula. Though science fiction writers kick themselves for not having invented her. Heinlein said he wanted to write a novel about Scudder’s rise, but died before he got around to it, sad to say.

    Hard to stop free-associating once you start…

  27. Amelia @ 8:11–probably “assnards,” but may I nominate “assnardi”? I just like the way it sounds . . .

  28. Mary Francis @ 8:55: I like assnardi, or assnardopodi (a la octopodi), but I mean collective noun as in herd, gaggle, etc. There has to be something good out there.

    Fill in the blank: “a ________ of assnardopodi.”

  29. When I first saw it, I misread it as assnerd instead of assnard and was all set to wail “NO… No… No… NO…!” to the heavens while weeping and rending garments or something else suitably dramatic. Fortunately, I realized my mistake in time.

    (Interestingly, I had to jump through hoops to get my speech recognition program to produce the word ass, but it came up with nard on the first try.)

  30. In honor of the circumstances of the coinage, I’d recommend a kirk of assnards.

  31. Urban Dictionary has an entry from 2004, but using it as two words: “ass nard”.

  32. A quick twitter search shows that #assnard is already spreading, way to go. Now if you can just come up with a good one for the type of person I always get stuck behind in line at the store.

  33. Assnard. There was a void in the world that this word fills. I just didn’t realize it until you announced its existence.
    Thank you, Scalzi. I feel it bouncing around in my head, waiting for its opportunity to be spoken (or written) to next martyrded and righteous homophobic I encounter.

  34. The term assnard has prior art. It was a midwest colloquialism used by early teen boys to describe people that differed from the norm by a significant amount or when they made a significant blunder in an area of sports.

    Usage: “Bruce is such an assnard for not making that basket at the end of the game.”

    Your usage seems to seems to be a more generalized usage of that same idea so we should be willing to use it as a secondary definition.

  35. Sorry, my previous post should have linked to a definition of assnard in a dictionary, but it was cut by the space. let’s try again.
    “http://m.urbandictionary.com/#define?term=Ass nard”

  36. When I was a kid I heard the word ‘nard’ tossed around vaguely to mean ‘testicle’. It was probably a degradation of ‘gonad’. Ex: “I took a shot in the nards during dodgeball yesterday.”
    I’m glad to see a few others express that the hug business in Assnard’s trolling was alarming. Kind of like watch someone shake hands and not let go for far too long, with a smile that makes you understand how chimpanzees feel about bared teeth.

  37. “Podi” sounds elegant, but doesn’t quite work unless it involves feet. And feet don’t quite work in the metaphor, unless maybe mouths (“stoma”, plural “stomata”) can be worked in.

    Hm. “Stomapode assnard”? Foot-in-mouth … ah … I get the idea that an assnard is a subset of a troll, but of what variety?

  38. John, this is going to be especially funny for your spanish fans!

    Assnard sounds a lot like the name of the former Prime Minister of Spain, Mr Aznar; who, by the way, also happens to be a total assnard and has said a lot of disgusting and bigoted comments against gay marriage.

  39. But the first amendment says they get to be hateful and bigoted everywhere they like without any consequences. The first amendment!

  40. Mr. Scalzi, I have attempted to use this in Scrabble play, but it was rejected. Please notify the dictionarians immediately to remedy this situation.

  41. I like it! Will pass along to my son who is fond of another word that I find objectionable. I think he’ll find this a more than worthy substitute. Let’s see how long it takes to go viral!

  42. I think Mr. Scalzi is missing some entertaining coining possibilities here. Some random possibilities:

    A- Assaard: South African poet and rake.
    B – Assbard, The: Poetic allusion to Anthony Ray.
    C – Asscard, playing the: wiggling your posterior at your romantic partner.
    Ch – Asschard: A French vegetable traditionally grown in pots protruding the the rectums of decorative garden gnomes.
    D – Assdard: A bustle.
    E – Asseard: A geographical region in the popular computer game WoA.
    F – Assfard: A champion Bull from Yorkshire.
    G – Assgard: 1. A specific plate of armor designed to cover the posterior region. 2. An improvised device, usually unsuccessful, to prevent prison rape. 3. Preferred afterlife of homosexual Vikings.
    H – Asshard: A popular exercise program in the 90s.
    I – Assiard: A French pastry made from whipped cream, honey, lavender and ham.
    J – Assjard: Norwegian pickled ham.
    K – Asskard: (German) See Asscard.
    L – Asslard: Cellulite.
    M – Assmard: A waxy secretion around the anus. Seldom observed in anyone with any hygiene at all.
    N – Assnard: An especially querulous homophobe incapable of making a coherent argument.
    O – Assoard:
    P – Asspard: An extinct predator of the Levant that preyed primarily on onagers.
    Qu – Assquard: French Politician.
    R – Assrard: A particularly loud and assertive flatus.
    S – Assard: (Scottish) A sword.
    Sh – Asshard: The source of evil in the Gelfling religion.
    T – Asstard: 1. A method of hair removal practiced in the 19th century. 2. A person who is simultaneously unintelligent and belligerent.
    Th – Assthard: My DnD character in 4th grade. 8th level Barbarian with 18/00 St.
    U – Assuard: A pair of grassy hills close together, so as to resemble a human posterior.
    V – Assvard: An mythological animal said to consume ants through its anus. Slain by Gilgamesh, to its great relief.
    W – Assward: (British) An Assgard.
    X – Assxard: A rare Pokemon.
    Y – Assyard: 0.973 meters.
    Z- Asszard: A large hipped lizard.

  43. That is hilarious. The only insult I’ve ever coined is bitchbag — a combo of bitch and doucebag, which is used to describe someone who is both bitchy and lacking in humanity.

    I’m so using assnard.

  44. Wasn’t “Asshat” yours, too? I’d never heard it before you used it, though I have heard it since.

  45. I believe the use os Assnard can be properly applied to a number of media outlets who decided to pull the most recent Doonesbury strip that mocks the new Texas sonogram law.

  46. Don’t forget to add it to the Urban Dictionary:

    It may take a bit of time to get it accepted. I’m still waiting on http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=limbauchery (Limbauchery: a child sex vacation, esp. in on Caribbean islands) but http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Martyrbation made it thru (Martyrbation: The pleasure of complaining about being persecuted, when practiced by people who aren’t actually being persecuted.)

  47. Martyrbation.

    I love that word. I shall adopt it and make it mine own. It will go well when I manage to make it back to the Wednesday night classes at my Episcopal parish, and some of the people who mistake us for Foursquare come up with their Christians Persecuted In America Porn.

  48. @ martin:
    O – Assoard: the admirable trajectory achieved by a really fine ass-kicking.

  49. I learned a new one from the Oatmeal last week: cunthammer. As in “that queen Cersi is a real cunthammer.”

    Profanity can be fun!

  50. The wrestler Chris Jericho used to make reference to “assclowns”. I was never really sure what those were.

  51. When I search the linked thread for ‘Assnard’, no comments by John contain it. Odd.

  52. Wheaton’s Law is “Don’t be a Dick.”

    Apparently, Scalzi’s Corollary is “You are not permitted to be an Assnard”

    Congratulations on your entry into the realm of Law Givers

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