Some miscreant by the name of Scott Lynch — whoever he is — is typing horrible, slanderous lies about me and my art ON THE INTERNET, thus besmirching that last bastion of temperate reason and truthfulness.


Naturally, I have replied to his splenetic libels over there with sweet and gentle correction.


That is all.

By John Scalzi

I enjoy pie.

60 replies on “THIS WILL NOT STAND”

Good zod. I am bored at work, and have started scribblings entitled “Colt Jackhammer: Pussy Magnet”. Because I **MUST** read that book, even if I have to write it first….

Indeed this will not stand! I am now recruiting a regiment (777th Nevada Volunteers, ‘The Lucky 7’s) to avenge this wrong. I call on able bodied men (and stalwart women) assemble and await orders. And I (your humble commander, General Confusion) shall lead you into Glory!

OK. Enuff already. I must now take the dog for a walk to apologize for explosive laughter and for screaming that I don’t want to be anonymous when I besmirch Scott Lynch. why am I such a luddite?

I am ashamed to admit that not only do I know that “It’s in the trees. It’s coming” is from Night of the Demon, but also that Kate Bush used it on her Hounds of Love album.

I really don’t try to be a geek. It seems to just … happen.

Oh: and your reply to Scott Lynch has the funniest line I’ve read in ages: “that benighted existential Taco Bell that you call your soul.” Oh, thank you thank you.

Mary Robinette Kowal:


There’s an In-n-Out in Ohio now?

And the have Coke Zero??

I had to go to Vegas to get my Double Meat Animal Style!



Also, wasn’t “Double Meat Animal Style” the name of chapter 3 in Colt Jackhammer: Pussy Magnet?

Gee…I dunno Mr. Scalzi. I mean, your outrage has all the hallmarks of one trying to cover one’s ass. In other words, “methinks thou doth protest too much.”

On the other hand, Ms. Kowal vouches for you. Everyone knows SHE’S the trustworthy one.

But she could have been duped!

Gosh I just don’t know….I need some more convincing.

Canyon42, just think about this; on the one hand, you’ve got corporate TVP-shored Taco Bell. On the other is pure and family-owned In-And-Out Burger, second in patty-puisance only to Five Guys.
Really, now, which standard-bearer are you gonna believe?

I think Lynch’s rant is an excellent example of internet snark, and he makes many valid points. I know his books are excellent without exception, except for the ones I haven’t read, which is most of them. But c’mon, people, that doesn’t mean I’m not an authority on his work. He’s a literary icon who must be taken absolutely seriously. When he calls Scalzi a “twitchy weasel-dicked scum merchant,” it behooves us to stroke our scraggly geek-beards and carefully consider whether that might in fact be true.

Then, having done what behooves us, we’ll be hooved, and can gallop faster than anyone and WIN THE NEW YORK MARATHON, which is named after another one of those famous Greek battles like Thermopylae, which is what they made that sober historical drama Meet the Spartans about, and if they hadn’t Scalzi could never have written the novelization, which proves that Lynch is right, at least about that part. See what I did there? This is an unassailable loop of logic from which nothing can escape…at least without some rope burns and stuff.

All that said, I’m pretty sure John never did meet Scott on a sticky and tumescent night. And I know sticky and tumescent. Admittedly it’s been a while.

Ah, aye see. Thanks for the pulling the plank out of me eye, Scott Lynch. And, no on the second question. Yes, on the first, OMW being the exception. The third? I’m having trouble translating it. Is that German?

@Xopher: I think Lynch’s rant is an excellent example of internet snark, and he makes many valid points. I know his books are excellent without exception, except for the ones I haven’t read, which is most of them. But c’mon, people, that doesn’t mean I’m not an authority on his work.

I see what you did there. And I larfed mightily.

@ cranapia

I would pay to furtively download ‘experimental sexno-thriller’ Colt Jackhammer: Pussy Magnet. Does that make me a bad person or a lucrative market segment?

You say that like those are mutually exclusive. I like to think I’m both, but then I’m already planning fan-fic for CJ:PM

@ Canyon42

I was totally on your side until you started ragging on Taco Bell.

Taco Bell is like feces from a crack addict, it’s a festering diarrhea of bloody pink slime all by itself. Don’t blame Scalzi.

Hi John:

I think you already know from my cousin Jonathan Vos Post that Eliezer Yudkowsky and a bunch of the singularity nuts claim I don’t exist because they didn’t like one of Jonathan’s complaints about their plagiarizing his 1992 quantum mechanics paper on the universe as a simulation. Early on in working with Peter Lynds, we got more of the same, with a bunch of Chinese physics students saying (a) we didn’t really existand (b) they had solved the problems in quantum cosmology which we were working on anyway. As John Baez has long demonstrated with the “Crackpot Index”, the internet is a breeding ground for psychosis and deviants just as much as it is for creativity and new forms of productive interaction.
On a much more positive note, my friend Dean Hartley (III), who now runs a very large list on modeling and simulation (DIME/PMESII) on LinkedIn has been strongly recommending your work across the list. As a past president of the Military Operations Research Society and the Military Applications Society of INFORMS, he’s bringing you to audiences who are both knowledgeable and dare I say it, absolutely charmed by your work as I and my coauthors have been.
The nut cases are like the late Gary Gygax’ “green slime”, you get out your magical can of lysol, nuke ’em and move on.


Phil Fellman

You can judge a writer by the quality of his blog commenters. John’s commenters are erudite, cultured gentlebeings, while Scott Lynch’s are, to judge by the entry John linked to, a morass of feces-slinging flying monkeys released by some deranged troll. Advantage: Scalzi!

I am personally upset that “Colt Jackhammer: Pussy Magnet” is unavailable from Baen. Why such an amazing work should be out of print so soon is sad. I thought the NYTimes called it a “notable book of the year,” and a “Roman de Clef of his time at the Fresno Bee”. Sure as a autobiography it might have had all the authenticity of James Frey, but it was a work of Fiction. Personally, I thought it was deeply moving, and displayed electric emotional energy. A Jackhammer to my heart if no one else’s.

I sure look forward to the next crime writer’s convention where I hear John is scheduled to share billing with Mark Billingham. I am sure that John will be his normal magnanimous self.

Dear Mr Scalzi,
No matter what I do no-one ever calls ME a twitchy weasel-dicked scum merchant – where am I going wrong? Please advise.

So I take it this isn’t an April Fool’s Joke. I mean, I had to read it twice and I still don’t believe it. (Not you, him). It’s madness! It’s so completely insane that I am at a loss for words, and since that hardly ever happens, you now know with even more certainty (like you needed it in the first place) how bonkers this is.

BTW, whether a prank or real, your second comment on the Lynch post had me spitting Mt Dew all over my keyboard and monitor. Are your royalty checks big enough to cover replacements?

I certainly hope someone is making a cross-stitch out of that ‘have we lived and fought in vain’ quote. I would hang that on my wall proudly.

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