And Here’s an Industrial Strength Woodchipper for You

And yet Steve Buscemi is nowhere to be found. Probably just as well. What’s being fed into the chipper are not my enemies (so far as you can prove) but the fallen limbs of the increasingly wan Bradford pear tree you see there next to the woodchipper dude. I do not have particularly high hopes for the rest of the tree making it through the summer, but we’ll have to see what happens. That poor tree.

30 Comments on “And Here’s an Industrial Strength Woodchipper for You”

  1. You know, we had a peach tree that got fungus (hubby over-watered) and we were *this* close to pulling it up last fall. I mean, this tree looked pathetic and every leaf has blight. We decided to wait and see how he did after the winter and it came back! Not only THAT, this poor little runt of a tree has TWO peaches after only being in the ground one season!! LOL So don’t give up on your little tree just yet ;)

  2. It probably says too much about my preferred reading (scientific forensics–the procedural stuff, not the sensational “true crime” stuff) that the first thing I thought of when Scalzi said “wood chipper” was the case a while back where the guy killed his wife in their bedroom, rented a wood chipper, dismembered her and fed the pieces into the wood chipper to destroy the evidence.

  3. Johne Cook – Wisconsin, USA – Technical writer by day, creative writer and editor by night, I like prog rock, film noir, space opera, and the Green Bay Packers.
    Johne Cook

    So we had a storm blow through on Memorial Day evening. It ripped off a huge Maple branch and threw it on my lawn, yanking the electric line right off the side of my house. The following day, I saw one of those industrial strength wood chippers across the road making short work of a downed tree. It was taking branches six inches in diameter and sucking them into its ravenous maw like it was nothing. I turned to the electrician working on my house and said “Have you ever seen ‘Fargo’?” He shivered. I guess he had.

  4. If I had that much land, I would buy my own wood chipper. And have chipping parties. Will It Chip?

  5. I have a Bearcat 3″ chipper, 15hp engine, I refer to it as “The Fargo.” My kids think I take to much pleasure in chipping.

  6. If we hear that the reviewer from Kirkus Reviews has mysteriously disappeared, should we suspect something?

  7. THIS IS THE PRICE OF FAILURE, MR. TREE.
    But Bloefeld would then spare Bradford Pear and chip a completely different tree to prove how evil he is.

  8. crotchetyoldfan – The Crotchety Old Fan is Steve Davidson, also know as Rimworlder on many SF forums. Steve maintains the Rim Worlds Concordance project which is devoted to the works of A. Bertram Chandler and his most enduring character - Commodore John Grimes of the Rim Worlds Naval Reserve. Grimes is science fiction’s original ‘Horatio Hornblower of Space’. More information about Chandler, Grimes and the Rim Worlds can be found at www.rimworlds.com. Steve also maintains a visual index of volume 1, number 1 pulp science fiction magazines on the same website and is a devoted collector of the same. ‘I’m an ‘old’ SF fan, which you can take whichever way you like, as I love the old masters (Heinlein, Clarke, Asimov, E.F. Russell, Piper, Cordwainer Smith) and I’m well beyond the age you’re not supposed to trust anymore’. This blog is devoted to an investigation of the growing divide between ‘old’ - or ‘classic’ science fiction and the moderan literary genre that is currently sold under the same name. Steve has also begun writing reviews for www.SFReader.com, expects to be doing the same for www.SFSignal.com, and is contributing various non-fiction pieces to various other websites, all of them concerned with science fiction of one stripe or another. Early in 2008 he became completely disappointed with the SciFi Channel and created The Classic Science Fiction Channel website that gathers links to public domain radio, television, film and literary properties. Steve had a successful non-fiction writing career - writing articles and books dealing primarily with the paintball industry (Four books and several hundred articles including editorializing, product reviews, sports reporting, educational and more) - which he has since given up in favor of blogging and fiction. (Leaving the paintball industry after 25 years.) One final book on this subjected is scheduled to be released in early 2009 (A Parent's Guide To Paintball). Current work on fiction includes several completed novellettes/novellas curently in submission hell and various chapters of three novels. Freely distributed current work - including several chapters of a science fiction/paintball novel and a pulp/comic book/fairy tale mashup can be found on his website.
    crotchetyoldfan

    My folks had two pear trees. After the first year, one of them looked like yours, but the left it and some 23 years later it started yielding fruit, and a lot of it.

  9. There are no possessions I have that are so dear to me that I wouldn’t consider shredding them in such a glorious machine. I fear for my ability to resist the temptation.

  10. You should see about getting some clones off of the pear tree if it produces good fruit. Then plant the new trees in the yard. A good, reasonably simple, hands on project.
    http://www.bghydro.com/bgh/static/articles/1205_cloning.asp
    Thats a good how to. Just do a bit more research and buy your equipment elsewhere.

    Perhaps you could even get some grafted onto the existing root stock.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grafting

    That’s how I now have a small grove of various fruit trees. They aren’t producing yet but they are all less than 6 years old. A local organic farmer gave me most of the clones. I can’t wait; Asian pears, heirloom apples, peaches. The squees of joy when I start getting fruit……

    You should give it a shot!

  11. This is a Bradford Pear, kids. It doesn’t produce ANY fruit. And it’s a soft, crappy, structurally unsound tree to boot. When I worked for a tree surgeon,we used to HATE the frackin’ things. You plant them secure in the knowledge that, after ten years, top heavy and with badly inadequate root systems, compounded by incompetent planting, they will come down in a storm, smashing your minivan and killing your cocker spaniel named David Tenant.

  12. Don’t pity that tree. You think that tree would pity you if you were falling apart? Hardly. It would be sinking its roots into you before you lost your first limb.

    Bradford pear trees are one of the fiercest predators of the Plant Kingdom. And they’re sneaky jerks, too.

  13. Seems to me I’ve said this before here, but we’ve had four – count ’em, four! – Bradford pears that fell to pieces and eventually all of them got chopped down and hauled away. One of them fell on our house, the ungrateful bastard.

  14. At least your tree is clear of anything to hit on the way down. All I’ve got working for me is luck. This Monday, my maple dropped two good sized branches, one behind my car, one beside it. Both branches had to pass over my garage to get where they landed. The same storm broke off a much larger branch which came down today, landing behind the garage and missing the garage, cable TV, and power lines.

  15. Carina,
    Cheap. Grow Quickly. Pretty Flowers. Developers don’t care if the tree falls apart in 15 years.

  16. Looks tippy (I mean the tree, not the chipper). Better keep lopsided cat away from lopsided tree. Or maybe you have something else you need to make lopsided?

  17. Yeah, as mentioned before, Steve Buscemi was the one who was, um, MOSTLY not there anymore. And it wasn’t “friend” or “enemy” in the woodchipper, it was “accomplice,” wasn’t it? As in, “And I guess that was your accomplice in the woodchipper.” John Scalzi, you bring out the nerd in me.

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