Dear Cincinnati: Save Me From Abject and Total Humilation Tomorrow

See, Cincinnati, here’s the thing: I’m coming to do an appearance at Joseph-Beth Booksellers tomorrow, June 8, at 7pm. Coincidentally, a friend of mine from college is coming into Cincinnati and she offhandedly noted she heard I was going to be in town to do my performing monkey bit, so of course I told her she should come. She, probably just to be polite, said yes.

And then it hit me: What if she shows up to this thing and no one else does? After years of me pretending to be a big shot author, she will think I am finally revealed to be the bloated gasbag of empty brag that everyone in college always suspected I was. And then she’ll tell everyone we know on Facebook, and then, well. It’s all over then.

So, Cincinnati. Normally I wouldn’t ask you for something, especially since I never did pay you back that $20 for gas money back in ’93, and I know that’s still a thing for you (which you should let go of, man, seriously. It’s been, like, two decades). But even so: Hey, could you all just come down the the Joseph-Beth at 7 tomorrow? Please? All of you? Like, the entire city of you? Because that would really get me out of a jam.

Come on, don’t look at me like that. You know I would do it for you. Because that’s the bond we have, Cincinnati. And anyway, you don’t want me to look bad in front of my friend, do you? Do you? No? See.

So see you tomorrow, Cincinnati. Oh, and when you see my friend from college, totally don’t tell her I begged you to come. Just, you know, be chill. Like you do. Thanks.

34 Comments on “Dear Cincinnati: Save Me From Abject and Total Humilation Tomorrow”

  1. Bah all the Barnes & Nobles in my area are out, so I ordered from Jay and Mary’s, right after you signed them. I better get a good signature!

  2. I am slightly concerned that if your pleas are effective that the entire physical city of Cincinnati will try to fold itself into the space of a single bookstore, and nothing good can come of that… well, unless the damaged space-time continuum opens up a rift that has to be closed by The Doctor. If that happens… who asks for whose autograph?

  3. Now I feel bad. I was going to go to the Cincinnati signing (because it’s closer), but it turns out that it’s just more convenient for me to go to the Dayton one tonight.


  4. I was going to drive up from Louisville tomorrow but, after the begging, I’m just not sure.

  5. Cincinnati may be a little far, any plans to visit UK for redshirts release John?

    PS I got the ebook from Sony as couldn’t wait, finished it today and boy it’s fantastic! And yes I will still be getting a physical copy from UK to ensure my shelf has a full set of scalzi books.

  6. Baby, if you’ve ever wondered,
    Wondered what happened to John Scalzi
    He’s reading at a store in Cincinnati
    Cincinnati really loves John Scalzi

  7. I’ll be there, but you better have the $20.00!!! (And no, I’m not going to just let it go. This is Cincinnati. We’re a bunch of cheap SOBs.)

  8. Come to Holland (or Prague – long story; never mind) and I’ll be there.
    Hell, I’d even lend you $20,- to cover some of your travelling costs, at almost no interest at all*.

    *You think Cincinnatians are cheap? Think again. Us Dutch guys wouldn’t stick a finger in our grandmother’s dyke without some serious last will & testament related promises, writ in something far more substantial than (flood) water.

  9. “…wouldn’t stick a finger in our grandmother’s dyke…”

    Boy, that opened up some seriously weird mental images. What? Don’t look at me like that!


  10. Slightly OT. My local bookstore actually sold my reserved (and paid for) copy of Redshirts to somebody else. They had none left in stock and had to order more. I must now wait until next Tue/Wed for my copy to be shipped to the “middle of nowhere Canada”

  11. I’m only about a 20-minute drive from Joseph Beth Booksellers, but five guests will be eating dinner at my home while you’re signing books. I think they might notice if I wasn’t here…

  12. @Jack Lint at 4:36 pm – I saw what you did there. Now I can’t get a certain tune out of my head.

  13. I’ll be there, and while I’m not bringing the entire west side (for which I apologize), I AM bringing two friends. One of whom will probably actually BUY YOUR BOOK, and thus not only impress your friend but also add another bit of money to your hoard.

  14. Dayton. Cincinnati. Excuse me, what is missing here? I’ll tell you in 3 short words: North. East. Ohio. Say, Akron, for an extremely random, completely off the top of my head example. I swear by all that’s holy, if you came to Akron, I would totally go to the library, check out their copy of Redshirts, bring it to the bookstore, get you to sign it, return it to the library, and then probably try to get them to give me some kind of donation receipt on the grounds that your signature has grossly increased the value of the book, with no additional expense to them. Because that’s the kind of fan of yours I am. Dedicated. Well, and cheap. And, I guess, kind of sleazy. And not really all that dedicated. But still cheap. And sleazy.

    Which means that you are now officially obligated to come up here.

  15. I’ll be there. And I’ll be chill. Like I do. But it’s going to cost you at least one autograph and several moments of entertaining banter. So there! Wait…what? Oh. I’ve just been informed that is the whole point of the evening. Hmmm. So I guess it really won’t cost you anything at all.

  16. For such a heartfelt plea, I’ll fly in. Actually, we’re flying from Portland (OR) to Cinci tomorrow and I hope to be able to make it there. Hoping to be tomorrow’s most distant attendee!

  17. Unless my son makes his appearance between now and the signing I will be there. We are due any day so maybe he will decide to show up while there.

  18. I seriously wasn’t going to remind Cincy of the interest on that 20 bucks John, but it kind of just slipped out. Sorry man. I hope Cincy’s not waiting for you with that big bruiser friend of his ready to bust one of your kneecaps or nothing. If Joseph-Beth Bookstore wasn’t 500 miles from here, I’d be there covering your back. …With my copy of Red Shirts in hand too …and a baseball bat just in case. Have fun but watch out, ok?

  19. Joseph-Beth has a tight parking area as it is. Maybe if we all converge on it and fill all the spaces, your friend won’t even find a parking spot. Than you’ll look REALLY popular!

  20. Twenty bucks?

    Must have been an East Sider that loaned you that money, because a West Sider couldn’t be bothered to dig up the coffee can of cash from the backyard to float you a loan.

    Maybe if you tell the Cincy media that a ‘well known literary liberal’ is coming to town, you’ll get people out to protest. Just because.

  21. so, so, how’d it go? Did all of Cincy actually show up? or a reasonable subset thereof?

  22. oh crap, it hasn’t happened yet, in the standard time stream, that is. sorry.

  23. I was there. He totally read from ***** which is related to ***** though not *****. It was totally awesome. He was completely lifelike, which is probably not difficult to pull of five days into a tour. Now, catch a guy a month or two in and… Well, John has his Coke Zero, which I informed him is great taken by IV.

  24. I was there, too, but I also cannot divulge what he read from, except to say that it was AWESOMESAUCE!!

    I can say that the store came up with a ukelele for John to play (yay, Joseph Beth!!), and John performed JoCo’s Redshirts song. I’ll have that on YouTube as soon as it uploads. In the meantime, here are some still shots:

  25. I was there while the boyfriend worked downstairs. He asked about the swearing in and the laughter. I invoked the Ninja clause. Ninjas are serious business.

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