Behold the Mallet of Loving Correction
Posted on September 3, 2012 Posted by John Scalzi 70 Comments
Here it is, big as life. It was given to me by the folks at Chicon 7 in appreciation for my work, and I have to tell you, it is just about the coolest thing I’ve ever received. Krissy is included in the picture for scale. This is what you can imagine me wielding from now on when I wade through the comments.
Chicon 7 is now done. What an excellent Worldcon.
I see a line of accessories in that to be spread across the blogosphere. You could make a mint. And improve the air on the internet quite a bit. :)
Very cool, and well played ladies and gentlemen of the Chicon 7 committee.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
awesome!
Harley Quinn is dying of envy right now.
Hey Mr. S… What does it say? Tia.
Needs rubber face caps, but otherwise perfect.
Dang – it will be an honor to get whacked with that beauty! I can hardly wait for the chance to earn it 8-{D
That thing rocks! Major coolness! And Krissy looks lovely, as always :-)
I am impressed that DHS let that through.
What a thoughtful gift!
What does the engraving say, please?
Looks like it might need Thor to wield it.
Hoping for a picture of John Scalzi with the mallet. Trying to imagine what sort of face he’d make on such a picture. Please! :-)
Hee! That’s great!
I suspect that picture would strike fear into many hearts. On the other hand, it might improve the quality of dialogue here, at least a little bit.
Very cool. What does the inscription say?
THAT… is awesome. Very cool gift!
But I do think we need a pic of Angry John brandishing it so that we can *really* imagine him in action!
That is the most gorgeous mallet I have ever seen.
“Whosoever holds this mallet, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Scalzi.”
You were certainly one of the most excellent parts of the con. A well earned token of the con’s esteem.
Good seeing you, as always.
Do we get to find out what the engraving is by offending and reading the impression off our forehead in the mirror? :)
please tell krissy that her hair looks amazing!
Much more impressive than my imaginings. I’ve always thought it to be one of those inflatable hammers with the squeaker in it that you get at the fair.
I second turtlesong. Krissy’s hair looks great. I am loving it.
Oh, nice mallet, too.
Obama sucks. Romney sucks. Democrats are tree hugging wussies. Republicans are narrow minded sheep. Gays shouldn’t marry. Divorce should be illegal. Religion is good. Religion is bad. Your a idiot. its not your its theres. Okay! give it a whack on this one for practice. Has the politics, bad grammar, stupid comments, and i’ll throw in bed spullling check before posting. LOL!!
The inscription reads:
“The Mallet of Loving Correction
“Wielded as necessary by John Scalzi
“”I don’t love you any less for being so WRONG on the Internet.'”
Tell Krissy she looks *fabulous*! Dude, you are a lucky man.
I hope the next installment of the Shadow War series features the MoLC. Perhaps an origin tale (“Episode 1: The Mighty Gods of Chicon Hew the Mighty Hammerweapon MoLC from the Mighty Thews of Yggdrasil, Suffering a Few Nasty Splinters that Mommy Kissed and Made Mighty Better”). With reference to Theophylact’s comment above, after swinging it a few too many times, the wielder would be Thore indeed.
See, I always envisioned it as a maul of some sort.
I assume that Krissy gets to wield the Mallet of Loving Correction upon any erring spouse?
Not one comment about your impressive wood. I’m a little disappointed.
Hmmm… what’s that in the fine print there?
Mallet of Loving Correction*
*Do not strike computer with mallet. Chicon 7 assumes no responsibility to property damage intentional or accidental.
idiosynchronic @5:31 — Needs spikes.
How much does that thing weigh?
Well. Looking at that, I for one am pre-contrite.
Maybe Ustream might be a worthy inaugural target?
Upon receipt of this Mallet there followed about ten seconds of maniacal laughter.
Being wise, we laughed with him (not at).
Aww, did you cry when they gave it to you? You did, didn’t you. That’s so sweet!
I loved meeting you there!
Most excellent.
Chicon was a blazt.Great time Mr. toastmaster!
I always envisioned it as more of a war hammer than a gavel. But, eh.
I truly LOL’d at the last line of the inscription.
That is either one huge mallet, or Krissy is one small person. Can we get a shot of Krissy in front of the Empire State Building to disambiguate?
That looks awesome!!!
GC: I believe that you have just demonstrated the Internet equivalent of washing your car in the hope that it will rain.
If having an actual mallet is the chocolate cake of geekery, then the XKCD reference in the inscription is the cherry on top. :)
“Run for your accounts!” Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!! *dopplers away in a mad dash of flailing arms*
It looks lovely, and very dignified. Too dignified, in fact. I always envisioned something more of a Warner Brothers cartoon comedy hammer, or one of those kid’s toys where the haft is a whistle and the hammer impacts make funny noises. Something more suitable to the absurdity of the people getting hammered, and something you can’t actually imagine being used to injure someone.
I only got to see John during the opening ceremonies. He rocked. Seriously.
And he only had to shush one geek in the front row, who didnt quite understand the concept of “other people are talking. shut up.”
I cant imagine what John might have done if he had had the mallet with him.
Note to all concerned: “to polish the Mallet” is not, and MUST NOT EVER BE, a euphemism. That is all.
And as for the Mallets of Unusual Size? I don’t think they actually exist.
P.S. Where are you going to store it? Hammerspace?
That is truly awesome.
Ummm…. can I borrow it? Just for a few minutes? My works’ skype channel needs it badly.
I’m looking forward to the upcoming “U Can’t Post That” video.
“Stop! Mallet time!”
At first I thought that the Mallet was made of wood.
Then I realized it was Made of Awesome.
Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that is a gavel, not a mallet. Gavel of festering order?
You and Krissy were a big part of why this was a magnificent Worldcon. I’ve been at these since the 1970s, and you rocked!
It’s so much *bigger* than I expected.
;-P
That’s a cool hammer, John. I’d definitely assign that ‘home defense weapon #1’.
I’d also bestow the hammer a name. Molc.
@Kilroy 11:23: To be fair, a gavel actually is a type of mallet, according to the dictionary and encyclopedia articles I could dredge up on two and a half minutes’ notice.
And apparently there are strict rules as to how a gavel is to be used, under Robert’s Rules of Order, which don’t include our host’s normal malleting activities. Given that, it’s entirely possible that the Mallet of Loving Correction is thus disqualified from bearing the name “gavel”, and becomes a generic (if elegant) wooden mallet by default.
Although looking at the size of the thing, it may be more accurate to refer to it as a maul, or perhaps even a sledgehammer.
I just thought of those posts that sometimes show up on Facebook, telling you that the first thing to the right of your computer will be your weapon in a zombie apocalypse – because there’s a good chance that John Scalzi might have the mallet as the first thing to the right of his computer :-D
It’s not widely known, but John considered other devices before deciding on the Mallet
* The Baseball Bat of Gentle Remonstration
* The Clue-by-four
* The Two Iron of Compassion
* The Cricket Bat of Disagreement
* The Long, Bent Thing With a Sort of Lump at the End of Polite Demurral
* The Shillelagh of Stupid Smackin’
I was sad I couldn’t make it this year, but impending wedding and all’a that, y’know?
See you next year in San Antone’!
In re: Warren Terra’s comment about “to injure someone”:
Take care not to injure YOURSELF.
Especially take care not to injure yourself if you yield to paigevest’s request for a photo of you in mid-brandish. Try to demonstrate some move other than Chiropractor’s Delight or Orthopedic Surgeon’s Second Ferrari or Drop Mallet Squash Own Foot.
What does it weigh? If solid, hefty avoirdupois, I’d guess.
Upon showing that to my husband, he said the sound it makes when hitting someone must be “Smek!” – taken from this Girl Genius comic, third panel (next to last):
http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/comic.php?date=20120831
Upon seeing the massive Mallet of Loving Correction, I thought it best to ask Conan of Cimmeria what the best use of such a mighty mallet might be.
To crush the words of the trolls on you blog, see them flail before you, and to smash produce at the supermarket with the MoLC in an homage to Gallagher.
@Bruce K: I’ve never been so absolutely proved wrong before. I retract the statement and a tip-o-the-hat. Mallet it is.
Reblogged this on …Geoffrie, A Work In Progress and commented:
Somehow I don’t think out of control comments are going to be the only ones getting this hammer used on them. Now that she has it I suspect she may put it to good use.
That is the mallet of non-loving correction; it is the evil twin of the loving one…
Of course it’s not a war hammer. And neither is it a mallet.
It’s a war gavel.