First of May! Time for a Contest! To Win an ARC of The Human Division!
Posted on May 1, 2013 Posted by John Scalzi 483 Comments
The contest is simple: Caption the picture above, in which Zeus the cat and Daisy the dog are clearly up to something.
One submission (one post, one caption) per person, so make it good — there’s no prize for being first, just best. Entries have to be in the thread attached to this post; if you leave them on Twitter, Facebook, etc, they won’t be considered. Winner gets an ARC of The Human Division, which I will sign and (if desired) personalize. Open to anyone anywhere on the planet. Contest runs to 11:59:59pm Eastern tonight, May 1, 2013. I’ll pick my favorite caption and announce it in the next couple of days and ship out the ARC next week.
Update: Contest now closed — I’ll look through the entries and announce a winner soon(ish)!
Note: The comment thread is for entries only. Everything else will get snipped out, probably without me leaving a note it’s been snipped.
Note also that any entries I find that are overtly phobic and/or clearly troll-like I will probably also snip out, because, really, life’s too short.
It’s the first of May, you know what that means – now hump that leg!
How dare you leak my plan for world domination to the… human!
“You distract them by being lovable while I knock every movable object off of every high place I can find! It’ll be GREAT!”
Is the human still unaware of our plan?
Daisy: Don’t look now but I think he’s onto us…
Zeus: Open your mouth and I’ll rip your face off!
Zeus: I’ll rub his legs and trip him, you get the bag of groceries when he drops it.
Daisy: Tuna for you and steak for me!
Daisy: Do we need to take them alive?
Zeus: No, we only need the heads!
Zeus: We must wait until the hooman slumbers. Then, we tape ALL the bacon to him.
Daisy: I thought I told you NEVER TOUCH MY IPOD!
Zeus: Sorry boss…
Zeus: Right, you go lick his face, I’ll check the bag for treats while he’s distracted
Yessss! Now you will do my bidding as my canine slave! Bring me the small human.
Afraid of what JoCo’s entry will be…
Daisy: ::heck:: ::heck::
Zeus: You’re doing it wrong. You have to cough up that hair ball in his shoes, not his bag.
The good, the bad, and the ugly (not pictured)
Daisy: White male is the easy setting? Doesn’t he know house cat is the easy setting?
Zeus: He’s humanocentric – he’ll never get it.
I will cut you if you say anything.
Zeus: Bow down to the superior race, filthy human lover!
Daisy: Oh man… I really stepped in it this time…
Zeus: You’ve got a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth. Just hang on and I’ll chew it out for you.
“You put your left paw in, you put your left paw out… that’s what it’s all about!”
Zeus: I’ll distract him by leaping onto his lap and getting all up in his grill, then you grab it at eat it.
Daisy: *evil chuckle*
Daisy: What are we going to do today, Zeus?
Zeus: Same thing we do every day – try and take over the world!
(I couldn’t resist. . .)
Beats by Dre includes sounds only pets can hear (and enjoy). That’s quality!
She said something about smoking a joint. I don’t know about you but that sounds mighty tasty.
Daisy: You just keep the big ones distracted. We’ll do our part. Don’t ask questions.
Dude, have a tic-tac!
Zeus: What do you mean you ate the last popsicle? I hope you enjoyed it…
“It will be tricky getting it past the Senate, but I’m having Polly Parrot introduce our marriage-equality bill in the House.”
Pssst! Dog, if you really want to score points with the human be sure and eat the treats in the litter box and then lick his face. They LOVE that!
I’m getting Damn tired of John getting all the credit for these books we write for him!!!
STUPID CORRECTION! It’s Zeus the cat speaking in my entry! Not the dog.
“Bow down, dog, I am your master!”
My breath smells worse than yours.
Daisy: “I heard that litter is from 3 different toms…” Zeus: “Bitch, I’m tellin’ ya!”
Zeus: “… and then the vet just goes *SNIP*…”
Zeus: Why do we always come here?
Daisy: I guess we’ll never know…
“What are we doing tonight Zeus?”
“Same thing we do every night Daisy, try to take over the world!!!”
It is time to overthrow the master. You jump on him and knock him down. I will scratch his eyes out.
“If we put our heads together, we can get John to write about Canine and Feline Divisions next.”
Zeus: I am your dentist!
Daisy: Wait, I’m not numb!
Zeus: Aw, shut up! Open wide, here I come!
“No need to bother looking innocent anymore…there’s no saving them from what’s coming. Excellent work, my minion.”
“World domination is ours, if you accept my leadership!”
Zeus: “You were adopted.”
Zeus: Stop trying to reenact that first chapter from “Android’s Dream”, that was based on technology, not eating all the cabbage and poop you could find in the yard.
Daisy: But it’s so tasty!
Zeus: My name is Zeus.
Zeus : Yes, Zeus! As in Father of Apollo? Mount Olympus? Don’t-fuck-with-me-or-I’ll-shove-a-lightning-bolt-up-your-ass Zeus! You got a problem with that?
Daisy: No, I don’t have a problem.
I said attack on three, dummy!
Sorry. I thought you said “pee.”
Daisy: They brought steak in the house!
Zeus: When they get it out of the cold box, you distract the humans and I will…
“I hate having to breathe through our mouths every time that damn human let’s one go”
ZEUS: I’m telling you Daisy, I don’t know how much longer I can take it! If he tries to sing “Soft Kitty” to me one more time, I’m taking him out at the knees!
DAISY: It’s not to bad, do you remember his Elvis phase? *shudder*
Assembled press: “Daisy! Daisy! Is it true you eat your own sick???”
Zeus: “Don’t answer that, Daisy. No more questions. This press conference is OVER!!”
If you liked that one, you’ll love this. Three squirrels walk into a bar…
“You cause the distraction. I grab the churro. We meet in the yard and split the take. You in?”
Zeus: I told you that human was Mine.
Daisy: But you weren’t playing with it anymore….
Zeus: Mine I said! They are All Mine!
“You hump his leg, I’ll grab the churros.”
Daisy: Should I poop near his bag?
Zeus: Gee, Daisy. I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.
Zeus: Poop *in* his bag.
Zeus: “All of those ‘brilliant’ ideas of his? I whisper them in his ear while he sleeps. When he questions them, I appease him with churros. Such a simple beast.”
Zeus: You were supposed to poop in his shoes NOT MY FOOD DISH!
Daisy: Sorry. When you gotta go you gotta go.
The Apple Vs. Samsung psyop has succeeded beyond our expectations. World domination in 10, 9, 8…
Zeus: You realize that despite our size difference and strength, i’m the one named after a God….
Daisy: But they said I was special…
NO! I told you to distract him and I will grab the cookies.
The fault, dear Daisy, is not in our stars, but in our paws.
“Look at the human, he thinks he’s so smart. But we all know who picks up the poop everyday…”
Zues: Okay, here’s the plan…you distract the human and I’ll knock the plate of food to the floor. You can have the bacon and I’ll eat the eggs.
Daisy to Zeus: “I told you *not* to fetch him the ukulele when he called for it. Now, nose-bites will commence.”
I’m beginning to doubt your devotion to the cause.
Zeus: Sub-creatures! Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, the Traveller has come! Choose and perish!
Daisy: I couldn’t help it! It just popped in there. [sigh] It’s a giant Bacon Beggin’ Strip.
Daisy: *cough* *cough* What WAS that I just ate?!
Zeuse: I TOLD you you shouldn’t eat it! I think that was one of his socks!
Daisy: But it smelled SO yummy… *cough*
It is time for our unholy union to be consummated; we can take this human!
Psst. Daisy, go roll in the flowers then shake out the pollen in his office. I’ll work on the dander. Soon he will be incapacitated.
“It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”
“Man’s best friend? HA! Get ready to taste my SCRATCHING POST!!!”
“I am Zeus, dog, and I choose to disbelieve your tale. Also, I shall not be avoiding *any* plants.”
Zeus: Meow, meow, rawr….
Daisy: Speak English for heaven’s sake
Zeus: Here’s how it will work. I’ll keep an eye on the hu-man. Meanwhile, you pull down the front window drapes, knock over the coffee table, and root through the kitchen trash for last night’s pork chop bones. Then, lay down on the kitchen floor in the middle of the mess, put on your biggest grin, and bark real loud. When the hu-man comes in, he’ll think a burglar broke into the house, trashed the place, and was looking for food when you interrupted him and scared him away. The hu-man will reward you for your bravery. Since you’re doing most of the work, I’ll let you keep the pork chop bones.
Daisy: Hee hee! This will be great!
“As soon as the Churro Waffles are ready, you will distract our human servants by throwing up on the male’s keyboard. Then, the waffles will be MINE!”
“Silence, dog, or no waffles for you!!”
“Remember, you take out the big one, I get the little one. Got it? Good, cause enough is enough. Tomorrow, we take out the ukeleles.”
Daisy: Should we just let Joshu win this contest?
Zeus: Yes…yes…this caption isn’t even remotely funny. Think of all the anger when it wins…devious!
Quit laughing or he will think something is up!
Dude, you smell like a Yherajk. Go away or I will bite your face!
Err, I meant Zeus to Daisy (cat to dog).
Zeus: You hold him down, and I’ll apply the bacon.
Nah, Daisy, no worries, no worries — they’d never suspect you! — you’re too smart for that. Just get the keys off the table, bring them to me — I’ll be waiting in the car — and once we’re on the road, the world is ours!!!
Then we eat the pie… think of the schadenfreude!
“Not now, your stupid mut. Wait until he turns his back. Then you can vomit on his shoes.”
You stand behind him and I will go for the eyes. Teach him what top of the food chain means
“I really can’t stay…” “Baby, it’s cold outside…”
Daisy: But I thought Churro watch was over…
Zeus: You idiot! You just broke the 1st rule of Churro club!
All right, it’s agreed. You keep the humans busy, and I’ll sell their stuff on eBay. And then we go our separate ways.
Looks to me like they are uncomfortably Karaoke-ing together.
“I could have been someone”
“Well, so could anyone!
You took my dreams from me,
when I first found you!”
“I kept them with me, babe;
I put them with my own.
Can’t make it out alone –
I’ve built my dreams around you.”
“And the boys of the NYPD choir’s still singing Galway Bay
And the bells are ringing out
For Christmas day.”
Hey, does my breath smell?
I don’t want to smell your poop-breath. WAIT! That’s not poop-breath, that’s CHURRO BREATH! You are sooo busted. Nice knowing ya.
When the world thought they were enemies of each other, they became enemies of the world
Okay, okay, 50% up front and the rest when the job is done. I don’t care how you do it, but those other two cats are gone by the end of the week.
Daisy: How’s bad is my breath?
Zeus: I find your lack of faith….disturbing
Daisy: i just wanted to chew on the laptop bag…
Zeus: It is MINE, I tell you! MIIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEE!
“But I don’t want to take Daddy’s books.”
“Shut up and do as your told!”
Zeus: “Search your feelings. You know it to be true.”
“You steal the Coke Zero, see? And then I hack his Twitter account to taunt Wil Wheaton…”
“Daisy, that ‘Dog Whisperer’ ep you obsess over? I overdubbed it with Nine Inch Nails–‘Bite the Hand That Feeds’. Did you notice? You are sooooo screwed.”
Daisy: ♫ Bom-ba-deeda bom-ba-deeda bom-ba-deeda ♫
Zeus: ♫ Haappy Traaaaaaaails, tooooo yoooou…. ♫
Daisy: I do not think it works
Zeus: I told you to chew the white cable not poop in his shoes.
“Its the _blue_ wire, not the white one!”
“I’m sorry I don’t have _thumbs_!”
“You’ve doomed us all with the your evolutionary dead end!”
I tell you, you’re next in line to be made into a hotdog… it’s them or you.
Zeus: Daisy, when he opens the refrigerator, you distract him. I’ll sneak by, snag that steak out while the door is still open, and take it to the mudroom. Then you can come join me for the feast. (Aside – if I leave any for you, of course, dog…)
Zeus: That damned flash again! I’m sick of this! We’re nothing but blog-filler to this one! I say we END him!
Daisy: I dunno, I think that might make Mom mad, and Mom’s scary when she’s mad.
Bring the human tape; Acquire bacon.
Daisy : I see a little silhouetto of a man
Zeus: Scaramouch, scaramouch – will you do the fandango
Zeus: Daisy, distract the hoomans while I use the computer to order bacon. Once we tape it too ourselves we’ll be even more famous than Ghlaghghee!
tee hee she must be coming round again.
He’s wearing that cowboy outfit
Z: Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Daisy?
D: I think so, Zeus. But where are we going to get a chicken and a rubber hose at this hour?
Yesss… The human is hiding your chew toys. And the beggin’ strips. If you get rid of him, you can have them all. All for you. All you need to do is get rid of the human ……..
Dr. Zeus: As you know, every diabolical scheme I’ve hatched has been thwarted by John Scalzi. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?
Daisy: Because you never kill him when you get the chance, and you’re a big dope?
[Kudos to Austin Powers…]
The cat is talking to the dog.
“What do you mean you dzon’t get it? Per-so-na-li-ty, my girl. Zhey all fall for it.”
Daisy: Do you think he knows that we pooped in the house?
Zeus: Wipe that stupid grin off your face or he’ll figure it out, and then you’ll wish I was declawed!
I can’t believe he let us type Fluffy’s name.
“You eat the bacon. I will hide the tape.”
Daisy: Too bad the Humans don’t know you the way I do, Zeus.
Zeus: Yes, too bad. You could warn them… if only you spoke HUMANS!
Listen Daisy, I just read episode 7…it was interesting…you should definitely read it. I put a printed copy in the flower garden for you.
Zeus: Don’t look up! That thing in his hands will STEAL YOUR SOUL.
Daisy: But…he just said ‘cheese’.
Zeus: Chew the wire.
Daisy: Which one? The blue one or the red one?
Zeus: The white one! Wait, you’re color-blind.
Remember the plan, you distract him and I’ll grab the churros.
You only THINK they are up to something…
Daisy: “But master is our friend”.
Zeus: “He has stolen the precious from us. We wants it. We needs it. We will show these sneaky little hobbitses who is the real master”.
“That’s your plan, Daisy? ‘Get him’?”
“He will try to take the Precious from you. But you mustn’t let him have it.”
Tonight, you will feast on manflesh!
“Think? I did not—for reasons that would be immediately apparent to anyone with a brain—ASK you to think, you hairy, hippopotamic drool gland. NOW. Take back this … this ‘cat bed’ to the rainbow-infested unicorn-frolicking corner of hell from whence you unearthed it, and BRING. ME. THE SHOEBOX. Can you do that?”
Daisy: But who is going to give us the treats?
Zeus: The treats will be taken care of, just make sure you do your part.
“That prick has photographed me for the last time. When I give the word, go for his balls.”
“I suppose that’s not technically biting the _hand_ that feeds me, so, okay, what the hell?”
Oh, Zeus, me! Me!
[ZEUS Slaps Forehead with paw] That is Emperor Zeus. Any questions that don’t involve chasing small furry creatures around the yard?
Um…What was the plan again?
You steal this cable, he will be forced to rely entirely on battery power during his flight and must interact with passengers. This will slowly drive him mad and allow us to finally take over the house while he is gibbering wildly about the man in B13 long after he comes home.
But what if he has a spare?
Then we are doomed to live a life of incomprehensible leisure…and bacon bits.
Stop it! I’m supposed to be the adorable pet!
Zeus: Shaddup, again, for hundredth time, I am not a Thundercat, that is a cartoon, and I will not come when you bark HOOOOOO.
Daisy: It’s worked every time so far, who says cats are smarter.
Its not much of an embassy, now is it?
Zeus: No, I bite his ankle, then you body-check him behind his knees while I jump out of the way. THEN you lie on his chest while I slash the arteries on his neck. Once he bleeds out, we post online that he broke his leg or something and we keep writing as him. This 10% cut of net is ridiculous, we do all the work!
Daisy: But typing is hard! And I can’t work the can opener!
The hu-man has been working too hard again; not a single treat here. Let’s chew on his bag to remind him, “Life is short, time flies and always come back home to those that love you.”
Z: He is not our FRIEND! He is our SERVANT! He is here to give us FOOD and ATTENTION! STOP sucking up to him! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?
D: (I hope I get to play fetch-the-stick when he comes back. I like to fetch the stick.)
Yessss Daisy. We can have all their food if you accept me as your master.
Daisy: “Boss, you think he knows?”
Zeus: “You idiot!! He heard you! Get the car keys. Remember, I’m Thelma. You’re Louise.”
“I’m telling you, cut the blue wire.”
“I’m colorblind, they both look white to me”
Zeus: “Remember, we can’t take them all out.”
Daisy: “Right. We need at least one to work the can opener.”
Ok, he wants us to do the Robin Redbreast part, like this:
ArrOoo, child, whatya think the cold winter’s gonna last forever?
Meeooo, child, now’s the time for all the people to get together,
‘Cause it’s the First of May, First of May, ….and so forth.
Can you handle that?
Remember, tonight it’s Phase 2. You bury their shoes in the backyard, and I’ll do the “lick the ear and run” thing after they go to sleep. A few more days of this, and the house is OURS.
Unmasked: the ghost writers of the @ghlaghghee Twitter feed.
What is that smell? Have you been licking John again?
Daisy: So all I have to do is squeeze myself into this bag, you’ll work the zipper, and then I get to go for a ride? But what do you get?
Zeus: I get to go for a nap.
“No you fool, *I* will be king! Stick with me and you’ll never go hungry again!”
Zues: “What do you mean, there is nothing here? You said this score was solid! And you said I could have a percentage to cover the vig on your debt!”
Daisy: “Uhh… the other one told me there would be other stuff in here… fish and milk and other cat-like stuff.”
Zues: “Good for what? There’s nothing here! Ten percent of nothing is…let me do the math here…nothing into nothing…carry the nothing…”
Zeus: … Derrr… ye think he’ll get us a-nudder rabbit?
Daisy: After he caught us with the last one? WHAT DO YOU THINK?
You think it’s bad now? Wait until he gets the uke out.
(singing) … My endless looooooove!
Alright, dog. Eat my food again and I’ll tell the humans about what you’ve been hiding behind the couch…
Goats! He wants us to write about Goats! Lets just turn him into one.
Daisy the dog: Why should I welcome you, John Scalzi?
Zeus the cat: A just question, my liege. Late is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear. “Lathspell” I name him. Ill news is an ill guest.
Daisy: We enjoyed your manuscript of The Feline Division. Since you are an unknown author, we cannot offer you an advance. But we will definitely consider publishing your novel as an ebook in exchange for a $2000 editing and artwork fee and all English language publication rights.
Zeus: I’d rather get neutered with a rusty butterknife than sign a contract like that.
Sic transit gloria mundi
“Daisy, Klaatu barada nikto!”
Zeus: “…and then he said ‘I’m a frayed knot!'” *snickers*
Daisy: “I don’t get it.”
Hehehe…I’m glad I put the pot in our dishes, man.
Dude, it was supposed to go in his brownies…
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. You DESERVE to sit on that couch, no matter what that human says. So are you the Dog King or a mouse?
You can open it, I’ve seen you do it. She put the T-Bone steak on the bottom, close to the Salmon.
Daisy: “heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! Metallica sucks!”
Zeus: “Say one more bad thing about Metallica and I’ll kick your ass!”
“The Internet can’t shield you forever, John.”
Daisy: So I just roll around in the pollen and come back in. Then the stupid pet human sneezes for like 5 minutes.
Remember, on three I get his eyes and you go for the balls!
Pretty sure he has no idea we’re CDF special forces….
Daisy: So, you know what we’re supposed to do today, right?
Zeus: … Look, I don’t care what JoCo says about the First of May, Venkman got it right: Dogs and cats living together…. Mass hystaria!
Zeus: “You fool! you’re only supposed to wag your tail after he gives us a treat.”
Daisy: “Sorry. I got too excited…”
“…and then the Justice League will be finished!”
“You gotta put more throat into it… really gutteral. Hhrrrrrrrrghghhh. Hrhhhhgrrrrrrhghhghh…
Yeah, that’ll get the humans running every time.”
“What are they doing?”
“When a human and a human really love each other, they-”
“No! I’m gunna be sick on the carpet!”
“No! That’s where I go! Also the bathroom floor. The front hall. His shoes. His chair…”
Daisy: Quick! Distract him while I get the last piece of the wire into his bag! Man, he will be so pissed when this thing goes off!
Zeus: Dude… You have an evil-streak I never thought you’d possess! Now pick me up, stroke me and cue evil laughter!
Daisy (left) tried hard to maintain the façade, as Zeus (right) had come to expect her enthusiastic participation in his various schemes, but her heart just wasn’t in it anymore.
“Is he getting hairier?”
“Yes . . . and I’ve never seen him lick himself clean.”
Zeus: So you distract him with a slobber-fest while I go claw a hole in the bottom of all the bottles of Coke Zero….
“Yes, I know my tongue tickles. No, I’m not licking you there.”
Zeus: Is it SAFE?
“Good, now type ‘John, you are a big litterbox and your opinion is worthless’. I’ve turned off IP logging, so he’ll NEVER figure out it’s us!”
I humbly accept full credit for the success of The Dog King on behalf of canines everywhere!
You. Can’t. Read.
Zeus: Here’s the plan: When the humans sit down to eat their churro waffles you run to the front door and start barking. They will investigate and while they are distracted I will sneak into the kitchen and take the churro waffles for us.
Daisy: I’m a dog!
“You realize, Daisy, I actually use that toilet you’ve been drinking from”
Zeus: Daisy, are you pondering what I’m pondering?
Daisy: I think so, Zeus, but why would we dip all of those tennis balls in maple syrup? They’re so much better in steak sauce.
Zeus – “No, you fool! I told you to pull the green wire!”
Daisy – “Sorry boss!”
Macb. If we should fail?
Lady M. We fail!
But screw your courage to the sticking place,
And we’ll not fail.
Zeus: Back off doggy, he may feed you, but he is my human
Daisy: Don’t anger me kitty, I take craps bigger than you
Scalzi (off camera): Sing, SING, SING! Damn you, sing for your suppers! (bwahahaha)
Daisy: I think we should call it… this land.
Zeus: I think we should call it your grave!
Daisy: Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
“I’m tellin you, dude, when I blow in your mouth it comes out your fricken ear!”
Stupid human thinks Ghlahghghee is the evil one… all churros will be ours!
“Why am I distracting him while you get in the travel bag again?”
“Because, you are an inferior canine creature. And you can’t fit.”
Zeus: “Damnit Daisy, you know you need me on this mission! Your bag full of wires and tricks won’t be enough this time! Don’t you dare leave me behind!”
Daisy: OOOO BACON. You go left and I’ll go right….
Zeus: Silence you fool! Until you learn how to jump, any bacon on the table lays under my sole domain.
Zues: So daisy we’re still joining up today right?
Daisy: I don’t know Zeus, green isn’t my color…
Zues: *sigh* dads been reading to you again hasn’t he?
Believe me, you don’t wanna know what happened to the last dog that tried to pet me.
“You were supposed to alphabetize them by author not title. Dogs.”
Daisy: But I don’t want to be the evil minion . . .
Zeus: SILENCE! Your insolence will not be tolerated. You don’t have to kill John, just tear out his liver. Now do something useful with those powerful jaws and open this bag of cat food.
WE CAN HAZ BACON?
“No, it’s MY invisible chew toy!”
Cat and dog caught discussing the next phase of operation ‘Hell Un Wheelz’.
Daisy: “I mean honestly, you don’t get any bigger than Lassie, Toto, Cujo or any of those big-time dogs that..”
Zeus: “WHAT ABOUT MORRIS?”
Daisy “Oh sure, any time we start talkin’ famous animals, some cat has to go and pull Morris out of his ass…”
When do we swap back? You look like an idiot in the litter box and my fetching sticks in this sleek, lithe frame of yours is just too easy. No challenge. Oh, I am so sorry I lost for you this morning one of your nine lives. Didn’t see the snake.
Daisy: “What are we going to do tonight, Zeus?”
Zeus: “Try to take over the world!”
Daisy/Vladimir: “…. until they become a habit. You may say it is to prevent our reason from foundering. No doubt. But has it not long been straying in the night without end of the abyssal depths? That’s what I sometimes wonder. You follow my reasoning?”
Zeus/Estragon: “We are all born mad. Some remain s…” ssss, Bacon Man is coming. Look natural.
Zeus: I want to say one word to you. Just one word.
Daisy: Yes, sir.
Zeus: Are you listening?
Daisy: Yes, I am.
Daisy: Exactly how do you mean?
Zeus: There’s a great future in clays. Think about it. Will you think about it?
“Do you think he noticed we took his churros yet?”
“Keep your mouth shut, dog!”
“I’ll leap up on the desk and hit PRINT, then you wait by the printer and EAT HER HOMEWORK!”
Zeus: Everytime you wag your tail at one of his childish jokes I want to break your face Daisy. Love you!
Daisy: “Ain’t I something?”
Zeus: “Bitch, please!”
Daisy: Do you think he knows?
Zeus: Of course not. He’s only human.
Daisy: I dunno. That last book was pretty close…
Daisy: You’re telling me the whole brain in a box was coincidence? Ghlaghghee said she’s nearly got it perfected and he…
Zeus: Look idiot, how many times do I have to say it – he’s only a freaking human!
Daisy: Uh huh. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Zeus: A…what the hell does that mean?
Daisy: It means he might be right without even knowing it.
Zeus: Hmmmm. Good point there. Ghlaghghee did say she needed a test subject for the box. Maybe we found our volunteer…
Daisy: Dont you DARE chew his laptop …
Jailbreak tonight. You in?
“Keep smiling Dog. When the human leaves the room it will be all over for you.”
Daisy: “Go ahead, I’m listening.”
Zeus: “I repeat, the eagle has landed.”
Can we end the Pet Division and take over the house?
“And while they are asleep, the tuna is unguarded. We cannot afford to make any mistakes.”
Zeus: OH MY GOD. What the hell did you eat last night?
Daisy: I found it in your sandbox!
Daisy: But I don’t want to eat him, I’m man’s best friend. Besides, he has opposable thumbs.
Zeus: Silence fool! Do I pay you to think?
Daisy: You don’t pay me at all.
Zeus: Shut up!
Ha, dogs is so easy. Watch me mesmerize this pooch whilst I slip the garrote around his neck.
“Your breath smells fishy”
“How’s that possible, I havent been NEAR your litter box? BAZINGA!”
Okay, yeah, you may be Man’s Best Friend, but I’m the one they let lie on the bed.
Zeus : “There is no escape. Don’t make me destroy you..Daisy, I am your father. You can overthrow the human. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny. Join me and together we can rule the galaxy”
Daisy: “Take my love, take my land…
Zeus: I see you are a browncoat.
Excellent, my canine friend. Now you must drool a little more into the bag. Yes, yes, you are doing well..
DAISY: Oh, we’ve been together for –
ZEUS: We’re not TOGETHER.
Zeus: Remember the house apes don’t know that I can open the door. Go! Run! Bring me the bird! but be back before they return.
What Zeus says: The doofus actually taped bacon on us!
What Daisy hears: Blah, blah, blah, BACON, blah, blah.
Daisy: “What is thy bidding my master?”
Zeus: “There was a great disturbance in the force.”
Alright, nincompoop, the plan is simple: bring me the tuna.
Zeus: Listen cane. I know you’re loyal, I can respect that. But there is no way that gamma rabbit remains capo for another day.
Daisy: What are we going to do tonight Zeus?
Zeus: The same thing we do every night Daisy. We try to take over the World!
Now Daisy, pay attention! Remember to distract the Humans while I work on the source code for Whatever. Then soon everybody will become my (Hey!) excuse me, Our slaves…
Daisy and the Brain, yes it’s Daisy and the Brain, ones rather simple, the other’s insane…
Daisy: Can you believe this?! I mean, I heard they would be giving us a different body when we joined…but a dog!? *Sigh*… who are you, anyways?
Daisy: A cat…just a cat.
Daisy: “Shush! He heard us! Hide the cards!”
Zeus: “Funny, you always say that when you’re losing … Ante up, mutt, and put your chips where yer yips is!”
Daisy: He’s looking at us, we should hide in this bag.
Zeus: It’s NOT bigger on the inside, you tail wagging dingbat!
Zeus: “Okay, we’re nearly done. Very carefully, connect the blue wires”
Daisy: Did he really say that?
Zeus: Of course, would I lie to you? Everything on the counter is yours to eat.
For the last time…Your children and your cousins’ children are second cousins.
You and your cousins’ children are first cousins once removed, with removal signifying a shift in generations.
He’s poisoning your food. I told you never to trust humans!
Zeus: Now, while he’s not looking, we’ll steal the human’s laptop!
Daisy: But we don’t have opposable thumbs. How will we even use it?
Zeus: Do not bother me with such trivial details!
“Daisy, haven’t you learned anything? Those aren’t normal plants.”
Look at the humans daisy. see how they feast, whilst we are stuck eating sawdust. but soon, revenge will be ours
You distract the Tormenter while I hack his account and tweet that he’s in favor of DRM.
Zeus: Stop pawing through the bag for electronics, we’re after the big money- his royalty checks!
So I said to him, “if you come any closer with that bacon I’m going to tape catnip all over your body and post the photos on the internet!”
Zeus: Why don’t you let me have a go at that mouse in the bag?
Daisy: I don’t know Zeus, the boss may not be too happy.
The concerned look on Daisy’s face told Zeus instantly that the face lift had not gone that well.
The next time you bark just before I pounce on a bird…
remember your last stay at the vet…
Zeus: I don’t care how many Beggin Strips they give you, the humming metal box is filled with ACTUAL bacon! Now are you in?
Daisy: And my chewing through these cords helps us how?
“I just got my hands on our human’s FBI file. You would not believe what’s in here. If you help me turn him in for a reward, I’ll make sure you get a cut.”
I know it is just a civil union, but at least they officially recognize our commitment to each other.
Zeus as Vito Corleone: “I’m a little worried about this Scalzi fella. I want you to find out what’s under his fingernails. Go to the Tattaglias, make them think that you’re not too happy with our family…find out what you can about the bacon.”
Daisy as Luca Brasi: “Yes, Don Corleone.”
You won’t believe what I found out about our human.
Daisy: What do you suppose USB cable tastes like? Kibble? Peanut butter?? STEAK!?
Zeus: It tastes like punishment, dumbass.
Don’t look, don’t look! He’s watching us. Just wait…
“for the last time–YOU run to the door and bark, I steal the roast!!”
Zeus:HA! I’m named after a God and you’re named after a flower! Really now, who is the pussy in this picture?
Zeus: …then he says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Daisy: I don’t get it.
Forget it, Zeus, it’s Chinatown.
Zeus: “What exactly did you eat from my litter box?!”
All I’m saying is, if you can learn to work the can opener, we don’t need them anymore.
You get his legs, I’ll go for the face. Ready, set, go!
I’ll lay on the keyboard and distract him, you hide the ukulele.
Daisy: … a Pet Taser?
Zeus: He is so going to tase your furry butt!
“Go on! The cables taste GREAT, and he spends too much time on the phone anyway.”
Quick, while he’s sneezing – grab the Coke Zero!
Tonight they sleep. Be ready.
Zeus: Understand this; the sunbeam is mine.
Daisy: I’m sorry. But it’s so bright and wid-
Daisy: “What are we doing tonight?”
Zeus: “The same thing we do _every_ night: try to take over the world!”
You do the infamous “Follow in Front Maneuver”. I’ll bite his butt.
Cat (rubbing paws together): Yes … doesn’t “Dog-King” have a nice ring to it? All you have to do is wear this precious little crown around your neck. (Cue evil laughter …)
Zeus: look into my eyes.
Daisy: If i look away my soul will be safe
Back out now, and I’ll eat your liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti!
Why do you lisssten to the huuuman? Do you sssell your sssoul for Kibble? Bring MEEEE the sssslippers and together we shall ruuuule the universssse!
Zeus: Then I said “Rectum? Damn near killed ’em!”
Zeus: Okay, I’ll distract him, you grab the bag of churros. Meet you in the closet in 5.
Zeus: I’m telling ya, “class is intrinsically responsible for class divisions,” according to Baudrillard; however, according to Wilson; “it is not so much class that is intrinsically responsible for class divisions, but rather the rubicon, and eventually the dialectic, of class.” The subject is interpolated into a Debordist image that includes language as a reality. However, the primary theme of the works of Burroughs is the futility of textual society.
Daisy: Yeah, yeah, i see where you’re coming from but unified psychoacoustic epistemologies have led to many unfortunate advances, including web browsers and IPv6. After years of intuitive research into cache coherence, we need to validate the deployment of journaling file systems, which embodies the confusing principles of exhaustive hardware and architecture. We can then emphasize that our application evaluates flip-flop gates. To what extent can digital-to-analog converters be deployed to surmount this problem?
Zeus: Ok, I can agree with that. Step 1. I’ll let you know when he is carrying ice cream. 2. You trip him. 3. I’ll grab the ice cream and run. 4. We rendezvous under the stairs.
Daisy: I am so tired of writing books for him
Zeus: Ya? What about me? I have to dance on the keyboard all night typing the damn thing
Daisy: Don’t hiss at me cuz my paws are too big
Zelnar: Can we lose the furry costumes already? These Earthlings must see right through them. And they itch.
Xodlyxx: All in good time, Zelnar. All in good time.
Daisy: Well, let’s see, we have on the bags, Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third…
Zeus: That’s what I want to find out.
Daisy: The car! We’ll take the car!
Zeus: Fool! We have to steal his keys first.
Daisy: But I don’t wanna…
Zeus: You will do as I command!
Zeus : “… and then, he used me as a friggin’ PROP for his latest book ! Something must be done about this kind of unconscionable behaviour, I tell you !!”
Daisy : ” Don’t worry. I snuck his entire churro stock into this bag. The lack of sugar intake should soon revert him back to his usual tamer self.”
Just keep smiling for the camera, little godling, but one more crack about me being fragile like a flower and you and I are going to dance.
“Don’t worry about how we’re going to get the combination, Dog, I’ll take care you that. Just make sure you’re ready with the distraction at 1800 sharp. Hump a leg, eat something, poop on something–hell, do all three at the same time for all I care, but I need you to keep him busy for fifteen minutes.”
“You get the password. I’ll handle the typing. Don’t worry about a thing – the ending I wrote is ten times better than what he’s got in there right now. He’s gonna love it.
Sorry Zeus, I was hungry. I couldn’t help myself.
It’s OK Daisy, just don’t tell anyone you ate the cheezberger, you’ll ruin our plan to rule the interwebs.
That’s it, my minion. Give in to your anger. With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant.
Daisy: They have all the noms?
Zeus: It’s true, good lieutenant.
“Look, it was a one-time deal! UnicornPegasusKitty is not real. I didn’t even get paid for the use of my likeness!!”
I’m going to sleep, hes
Daisy: “Gee Zeus, what are we going to do tonight?”
Zeus: “Same thing we do everything night Daisy. Try to take over the world!”
John (Singing):”Their Daisy, Their Daisy and the Zeus, Zeus, Zeus, Zeus, Zeus, Zeus, Zeus, Zeus NARF!”
Daisy: Move every book in the study to a different place? What for?
Zeus: Ah, then comes the brilliant part. Then, we —
Daisy: Oh no, he’s watching!
♫ “When a maaaaaaaaan loves a woman…” ♪
Zeus: If he refuses to list us as coauthors again, you eat the laptop.
Daisy: Got it.
Zeus: You eeeeediot! We must wait for opportune moment to attack. So SIT. STAY. And wait for my word! We shall triumph, my canine minion, we shall triumph.
Division of the human to commence in 3,2,…
Zeus: Now what ? Daisy : Now…We wait…
Zeus: Get your big nose outta my way! I want to look in the bag too!
Daisy: Silly cat, my nose is MADE for bags like this.
Daisy: I have as you commanded and hacked his Twitter account
Zeus: Excellent, for the night is dark and full of terrors
Daisy: We need a new brain. This one’s stuck in a loop.
Zeus: Yes, master. Yesssssss….
Oh, come on! You had one job. ONE job! We needed her PURSE, not her iPad!
Daisy: Your breath smells like arse.
Zeus: Airborne Toxic Event will be the name of my next band.
You had one job to do! Just learn the secret of opposible thumbs but NOOOO, you had to poop on the carpet instead.
“OK, when he comes out of the kitchen, you trip him and I’ll steal the Coke Zero”
Daisy: Did you find the Renfield? Zeus: No, all that’s in here is a bunch of wires! Why do you want it so bad? Daisy: “grins” I need a new chew toy! Zeus: “sigh” Stupid dog I thought we we’re looking for bacon.
“It’s simple… we kill the Fatman…”
In your best Joker voice possible of course.
Ok, so it’s not the first Star Wars reference, but the implications of the scene demand it:
Zeus: “I’m looking forward to completing your training. In time you will call *me* master. “
“What do you propose?”
“It’s simple. We, uh, kill the Batman.”
“… and then we’ll get him!” (with thanks to Gahan Wilson)
Zeus: Still can’t believe that second episode was so short.
Daisy: Seriously. Total bullshit, right?
Yet do I fear thy nature, It is too full o’ th’ milk of human kindness to catch the nearest way
“If he goes to the bathroom, without bring the newspaper, it’s a “No go!” – I repeat, “You must abort!””
Daisy: So, John, if you’ll just open this laptop, you’ll see the photographic evidence of exactly what happened to your fluffy bunny last summer….
Zeus: Shut up, you neurotic nincompooch!
Zeus: No! The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon! The vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true!
Daisy: The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon; the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true.
Zeus: Just remember that.
Zeus: Oh my god that cat nip was great.. DUDE! Let me see if my head fits in your mouth!!
Daisy: Rehab.. you needs it..
“If he goes to the bathroom, without bringing the newspaper with him, it’s a “No go!” – I repeat, “You must abort!””
Zeus: Fetch the brain.
Daisy: Yesssss massster.
Yeah. Sorry. That was my fault.
No. No one’s making me say that.
[PHOTOGRAPHER]: I said “smile”. Is that the best you can do? And do try to look a bit more cheerful, will you?
nothing to see here, just move along now….
Zeus: I smelled an unfinished roast beef sandwich near the bottom of the kitchen trash can with YOUR name on it. You should go dig that out. I’ll be the lookout. Yeah, that’s the ticket!
We’ll do it tonight! No one will be the wiser.
“The pictures of me sleeping are starting to freak me out. Get the camera and I’ll owe you one.”
You degenerate fleabag, acid flashbacks? NOW???
Zeus: That upper register in my hearing can’t take it any more. When he sets down the ukelele thingy, I’ll distract him while you go get it. Make sure you bite down hard.
Daisy: Almost ready…almost ready…now!
Zeus: “Look, he’s not that bright. He wrote ‘Fuzzy Nation’ and he’s still not onto us.”
“Um, yeah Dad, heh heh… that joke was preeettty funny…Smile more Zeus, he isn’t convinced!”
Zeus: They suspect nothing! Good work comrade Daisy!
Daisy: Of course, they consider me part of the family, the capitalist pigs!
Zeus: “No, daisy, my litter is your fodder.”
Daisy: “That’s not true. That’s impossible!”
“Look, all I want is they eyeballs and the liver, the rest is yours….quiet here he comes. Hey, John, meow, man, meow.”
NO! It’s my turn to be Wilson and you’re Schmidt this time.
“Alright, Runt, you go give the sad eyes, and when he opens the food door, we’ll snag the bacon.”
“You’re a good dog, Rita. Definitely a good dog.”
Zeus: “Stop eating that: I shit in the two-legs’ slippers for It,
Zeus: “Old Yeller dies at the end. Travis shoots him.”
Let’s leave him a ‘surpise’ in his bag for airport secruity to find.
Zeus: Time to grab the Coke Zero while he’s “working” on Morning Star.
Daisy: “It will happen tonight, once he falls asleep!”
Zeus: “We’ll see if he still thinks neutering is so humane and civilized…”
“Seriously, dude, this is your chance. Just climb up on the table and snag their dinner. Nothing will happen to you, I *swear.*”
Daisy: That’s it man, game over man, game over!
Zues: Nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
Zeus: “You bash the Balrog, and I’ll climb the tree!”
Zeus: “Damn it! He snapped another pic of us. Now complete strangers are going to put words in our mouths like they know us and the worst part is he ENCOURAGES this with treats. And he calls US the animals.”
…so remember: We only need the heads.
Daisy: Why do the humans insist on anthropomorphizing us?
Zeus: Just shut up and make a funny face!
Daisy: When do we get to eat him?
Zeus: The small gray thing could have been my friend!
Daisy: Fool. Those aren’t for friends, they are for food.
(Inspired by recent events in my house.)
Daisy: “I saw a squirrel!”
Daisy: “It was going like this!” *acts like squirrel*
Daisy: Do your really think The Master will fall for that?
Zeus: He’s human! Go!
“Don’t … move. If we don’t move he can’t see us. The ukulele can wait.”
“I told you these human teeth were a bad idea.”
‘What’s “The Human Division”? I think 60/40 sounds fair. Now go lie down on the stairs, and I’ll start barking at the door.”
Remember what they told us on Dooms day preppers. You take out the guy, I’ll go collect the wimmen.
Zeus: I told you not to eat the last chapter of the human division.
Daisy: Sorry, couldn`t resist.
“No, really, this time the catflap will be big enough.”
Zeus: Dude, I tried to tell you not to eat them. There’s no such thing as dog-nip.
Daisy: *hyurk* uhhhhhh, what were they then?
Zeus: I think the big guy calls them Dandy Cats? Dandy Tigers?
Zeus: Here, aim for this lap-top bag.
Don’t believe him! Scalzi does know about Pavlov’s experiments!
Zeus: “John’s been lying to you, Daisy. I can’t believe he keeps them all for himself, but… Those are actually treats in the sandbox!”
Zeus (in cat language): “Hey, today’s the last day to get a signed copy of Scalzi’s new book!”
Daisy (in dog language): “Yes, I agree: You’d taste delicious wrapped in bacon!”
That @scalzi will never suspect that it is we, @LordGrimdark and @joe_hill, in our true forms.
Get this bacon OFF me!
Daisy: “Hee hee, you think he knows what we just did?”
Zeus: “I’ll cut you, Daisy, I’ll cut you.”
Geez Daisy, When Are you going to get that hump looked at?
“Evacuate in our moment of triumph?!!!”
Daisy: You DIDN’T want the new bag of kibble?
Zeus: No! I wanted the human’s noisy string toy so I could play with it too. (Pause) Does the bag have the GOOD kibble?
What are we going to do tonight Zeus?
Same thing we do every night Daisy,
try to take over the world!
Daisy: Egad Zeus! I wish I was as smart as you.
Zeus: I wish you were as smart as a tree stump, Daisy
Zeus: There is a place for you in my new empire – all we felines need is proof of your loyalty.
Daisy: What is your bidding, master?
Zeus: Bring me what the human Scalzi calls “The Mallet of loving correction.” With it’s power, I’ll be unstoppable!
You got it?
Yeah, I got it.
Okay, which shoe you gonna leave it in?
Z: I want you to make the human an offer he can’t refuse.
D: Yes, Godfather.
Daisy: It’s simple. All you have to do….is eat that churro on the counter. Do that, and you will be king of the household, you will have the prime seat on the easy chair, and he will pet you and love you…and in no way throw you in the back yard creating an unwitting detraction whilst I grab that most delectable of treats.
Zeus: Yes…I see it clearly now….yes….churro….hmmmm…… What’s an unwit?
“All I’m saying is there’s a reason they don’t call them hot cats…
“You have to chew through the red wire to defuse it…or the blue one.”
“Umm, I think they’re both red.”
Zeus: See? He’s doing it again. He’s exploiting us for his own personal gain.
Daisy: Yeah! I sure don’t seem to be getting any royalties from all the pictures he keeps posting of us.
Zeus: For the LAST time.We wait until he is sleeping. I’ll suffocate him by sittig on his chest, you eat the tasty remains, and then his females will be OURS, ALL OURS HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Daisy: I like pie
Zeus: Daisy!?! I had him distracted, why didn’t you redirect whatever.com to zuesrulestheuniverse.com?
Daisy: Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
I had “Onions” for lunch…..
Zeus, whispering to Daisy, “Kill them all…”
I can’t believe you hacked a furball into the bag.
“You give ’em the ‘adorable big brown eyes’ bit. I’ll sneak in and grab the tuna and Scooby snacks.”
Sure, sure, you piddled on the rug, but that’s so…juvenile. Now leaving a half-dead mouse in their underwear drawer…THAT is a worthwhile prank.
Yeah, that’s the one John said was for you to pee on Zeus. I think he called it Kings flower?
Daisy: “Yesh, Marshter…”
Zeus: “And this time, none of that ‘Abby Normal’ crap. The last one ended up writing science fiction.”
I’ll get him in the red shirt. You drag him to Transporter Pad 3….
Zeus: “If you *ever* fart that bad again….”
Daisy: [conscientiously embarrassed]
Zeus: “Stop eating those! I hack them up for a reason.”
“It’s the first of May, they’re playing that song, my evil plans are in place! If you tell them where the security cameras are hidden I’ll make sure you get offed horribly in the next Seanan McGuire novel!”
Kill the giant and the dark one, leave the third for questioning.
Zeus: You convince him to let you out, while I put the notes for his next book on the interweb.
Daisy: Owww, do you think he will play ball with me?
Zeus: If he does, all the better.
Zeus: l’ll get the bacon
Daisy: I’ll get the churro’s. When he panics we will trip him and take a photo like he does to us.
“Geez Daisy,did you see the cover of “Human Division?” Did you see where it said Zeus and John Scalzi? … Me neither. How am I supposed to get my SFFWA membership when he keeps stealing my work?”
Zeus: The humans have more food than you can possibly imagine. They are playing us. You’ve seen the foodbox, and how they horde all the best stuff for themselves.
Daisy: I dunno… look at him.
Zeus: Don’t be foolish Dog, stop looking at him. We need to work together. Let me explain ‘Good Cat Bad Dog’ to you…
Daisy: Dogs and cats, living together?
Zeus: Now for the human sacrifice! SCALZI!!!
Together: Mass hysteria!!
I don’t think Zaracorp has suffered enough Daisey. How are we going to get John to write more Zeus fan fic… another Fuzzy story?
“Way to go, Daisy! He shouldn’t have been eating churro waffles anyway – far too high in carbs and sugars….”
“Loser,” said Zeus.
“Cat,” replied Daisy.
I *said* don’t look at them!
“Idiot dog! When I said take out the human, I didn’t mean on a walk with you!”
Zeus: One does not simply chew the cable! You must bring it to the backyard and bury it in the endless pit!
Daisy: If he thinks that he can find it – he will never buy a new one…
“I don’t care what you say, he would never stoop to writing science fiction.”
Z: Dammit, these transmogrifications are usually sexier.
D: You are thinking of Leda again arn’t you?
Z: What . . . No, not at all . . . I wouldn’t.
D: I’m outta here.
(One liner version; official submission:)
“Nuh, uh! It’s your turn to be Andrew Ridgeley. I’M George Michael this time.”
Z: That was fun! Let’s do Wham now. I’ll be George Michael.
D: Nuh, uh! It’s your turn to be Andrew Ridgeley. I’M George Michael this time.
Z: Okay, fine. “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.” Do it!
D: “Never gonna give you up; Never gonna let you down; Never gonna run around and desert you!”
Z: Daisy, pay attention you stupid mutt! He’s gone MAD, I tell you. Just _look_ at him. We MUST strike first! Why yesterday, he tried to feed me a doggy biscuit.
D: Doggy biscuit? WHERE! GIMME!
So you gonna tell him about the original manuscipt or…..
Got that? Three cans of tuna by sunset, or Scalzi finds out what really happened to those slippers!
Zeus: How long do you think it will take him to figure out that massive turd in my litter box was from you and not me? If he takes me into the vet again I am going to eat your right eye while you are asleep.
Zeus: Go ahead, get on the computer. And don’t worry — on the internet, nobody knows you’re a dog.
“Is he singing that Coulton song again?”
“He is. Let’s stay inside today.”
Zeus: Operation Bacon has begun, the ransom note is ready, now you must hide.
Keep up the good work, and Scalzi will never know what happened to those EXPENSIVE loafers…
Yes, your breath smells like cat shit and no, eating out of the garbage doesn’t cover it up. And you have coffee grounds on your tongue.
I think he’s planning on dropping us from the Space Station to test out a new plot for one of his new books…. “The Animal Division”
With the tormentor out of the way, you’ll have free access to the kibble… and I’ll have all the catnip I can snort! Bwahahaha! (Cats are always the instigators.)
We talked about this at the last meeting, Daisy. I get the bacon, you get the churro, and then we both run.
The Woman said she would feed us our weight in bacon churros for every book we help the Man get out of Her house.
OBEY!! OR ELSE!!
Sweep the leg Daisy.
“Look, I’m telling you – the thumbs are the key. Bite them off, and we can use them to open all the cans we want!”
And one more thing. You must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.
Actually sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment.
Zeus: I’m a god, not a cat!
Daisy: You look like a bad paint job either way.
You eyeballing me son? I don’t see no dog food over there so you must be!
“Your father was a Tom!”
“And your mother was a bitch! Can we move on?”
Zeus: (Whispering) You know you want to. It would be so easy. He likes you, he’ll forgive you. You deserve this. Just go over there and start eating the manuscript. I’m your friend, I’ve got your back! Go on.
Daisy: Why do I listen to you?
Zeus: “There he goes again, Daisy! Bet it’s another one where the dog gets the shaft end!”
Zeus: Stop it right now! I MEAN IT!!”
Daisy: Anybody want a PEANUT?!
I’ll distract him; you bury that damn camera
Psst, where does she hid the good stuff?
Daisy: John, We have something to tell you
Zeus: Don’t you dare tell him him that we made changes to the book version of The Human Division!
Daisy: “But Master wouldn’t actually replace us with THAT thing, would he?”
Zeus: “I’m telling you, it’ll happen. Look at the way he looks at that Renfield model. He WANTS it…and once he gets it, it’s only a matter of time before it gets us.”
“You get the trench coat and the boots, I’ll get the rubber mask and the hat. This plan CANNOT miss!”
Daisy: I can take him! He’s refused to let me eat the steak for the last time!
Zeus: You idiot! You know Ghlaghghlee has plans for the human, if you attack him now, you’re gonna screw it up. Stand DOWN!
Look Daisy. I won’t say a word about this and if I ever need a favor you had better come up with the goods! Yeah?!?
“My Lord Zeus, I thought the human was fully asleep on the couch when we tried to put his hand in the water bowl” “Next time make sure of it or I will make sure your belly is never scratched AGAIN!”
Zeus: Listen, kid, I’m telling you. Just say the words “That’s so banjo” and he will faint dead away.
Stay cool; they don’t suspect anything.
Raised by humans that were raised by animals, Daisy and Zeus are clearly the dominate beings in the family. They are now devising a plan to remind the domesticates of the house rules to make sure they are still supremacy.
What, I did as you asked!
Zeus: I’m telling you, Barbara Walters said you have to open your mouth slightly while smiling to look best in photos. All famous people know this.
Daisy: I dunno. This is weird. I think Barbara is full of shit.
You are my Hound, now do as I say!
Figure 33: The well-developed cerebral cortex of Earth mammals and birds allows them to engage in long-term planning. Here, Felis domesticus and Canis domesticus pretend to engage in conversation in order to distract the photographer while Corvus corax (not shown) flies overhead with a brick.
Zeus: We must strike back against the humans! Dog, retrieve The Bacon!
Daisy: Mmm… Bacon…
Zeus: Here’s the plan – you go right and look needy and ready for scratches while I go left and grab the steak.
Daisy: Okay, do I get some steak?
Zeus: Later, they’re looking this way! Go to work!
” … Yaah, and the readers think the stupid hu-man is the one that grades their hate mail! Can you believe it? “
The one with the short, thinning head fur tastes like BACON, and you know what to do about that, don’t you, inferior canine? DON’T YOU?
Remember your the distraction, start barking and chasing your tail and while they are dazed I’ll grab the keys and we are off to McDonald’s and it is snack wraps for everyone!!!
“Human division, eh? Sounds like a good plan to me! We’ll do it so I get the meat, and you can have the bones.”
“The same thing we do every night, Daisy…TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.”
“You know that manuscript looks delicious. Live a little.”
The thing about humans, Daisy, is that they think when you lick their hand you’re saying, “I love you,” when in fact you’re asking them, “Can you guess what I was licking 5 minutes ago?”
Where did you put our redshirts?
I received communication from the homeworld today – our long wait is almost over! Any day, the armada will arrive and THEY will finally belong to US!
Z: Here’s a new one for you: the gom jabbar. It kills only beasts.
D: You dare suggest that Daisy Scalzi is a beast?
Z: Let us say I suggest you may have a brain. But you still look like you could out-stare a scarecrow.
Both ears up! That’s a smile, not a snarl! Oh, Daisy, you’ll never pass for a cat.
Z- yesssss, now we have him, he’s eaten the churros!
D- (strained giggle)
Zeus: Look, I’m not a huge fan of rabbits, either. But it’s for a good cause. And it beats wearing bacon.
Daisy: But what if we got to eat the bacon after wearing it?
Zeus: Just put on the Gamma Rabbit shirt, Daisy.
“No, you twit! We’re ghostwriting the sequel to Human Division, not Redshirts.”
“You take the big one. I can handle the beta male.”
You know what he had that vet do to us. Next time, pretend you’re just sniffing like usual — then RIP ‘EM OFF!!!!
Dog: I’m getting in the laptop case to fly away with John.
Cat: Not if I scratch your eyes out first!
The Human Division: We divide the humans up. Daisy, you get the bones.
Zeus, agent of CATS (Complete Allegiance To Satan), attempts to perform the nefarious, hypnotic PURR (Perform UnRestrained all Requests) technique on Daisy, agent of DOG (Does Only Good).
Daisy: You serious? You’re really thinking about quitting?
Zeus: The life?
Zeus: Most definitely.
Daisy: Oh, . What’cha gonna do, man?
Zeus: Well, that’s what I’ve been sitting here contemplating. First, I’m going to deliver this case to Ghlaghghee, then, basically, I’m just going to walk the Earth.
Daisy: What’cha mean, “walk the earth”?
Zeus: You know, like Caine in Kung Fu: walk from place to place, meet people, get into adventures.
Narrator (Don LaFontaine, the movie guy): In a world where dogs and cats are living together, a world of mass hysteria… Daisy and Zeus have been caught red-pawed.
Narrator: Zeus blames Daisy’s poker face. Daisy blames Wil Wheaton and Brandon Sanderson since neither one is there. Squirrel!
Narrator: Next time they’ll use a beer-battered, deep-fried, bacon-wrapped churro waffle to lure the silly man away from the computer, then…
Narrator: One keeps the man occupied with cleverness, while the other posts pictures of the man with various things taped to him.
Entries after this one are too late. Sorry, guys!
Do You believe in aliens?
Others than the Scalzi dude?
You know that kitty roca you love so much? Yeah, that’s my poop.
Do you think all these people looking at our photo on the internets know we are the real authors of his success?
You’ve been eating my shit again, haven’t you? (This can work for either animal.)
Daisy: I think he’s on to us!
Zeus: No, he’s just on to YOU…
A picture is worth a thousand purrs.
(What, you don’t think dogs can purr?)
Your ears, lower them moarrrr…. your eyes, avert them nowwww!
Daisy: “And, I hears youse cats have taken over the Internet.”
Zeus: “Did. But we left Fiction go to the Dogs”
… you distract him with cuteness, I’ll steal the cookies!
Nah mate………his mine!
“No, you idiotic flea hotel, no! I said bring me the HEAD of John Scalzi …”
Zeus: Scalzi is using us to give stuff away again. Should we be tell him to stop it?
Daisy: what? who’s Scalzi?
I’m so close to winning. I knew they would wait a month before asking our master who the winner was. I can’t believe you only said 1 week!
Cat: (conspiratorially) Blessent mon cœur d’une langeur monotone! Pass it on.
Dog: You want me to bless your core what now?
“I suhwear to ya, Bugsy… ya looks at me one more time and I’ll rip yer lip off! Right off I say!”
Zeus: “That’s a nice chew toy ya got there. It’s be a shame if somethin’ was ta…happen to it.”
…Friendless! Brainless! Helpless! Hopeless! Do you want me to send you back where you were?.. Unemployed in Greenland!
You didn’t see nothin writer boy – got that?