First of May! Time for a Contest! To Win an ARC of The Human Division!

The contest is simple: Caption the picture above, in which Zeus the cat and Daisy the dog are clearly up to something.

One submission (one post, one caption) per person, so make it good — there’s no prize for being first, just best. Entries have to be in the thread attached to this post; if you leave them on Twitter, Facebook, etc, they won’t be considered.  Winner gets an ARC of The Human Division, which I will sign and (if desired) personalize. Open to anyone anywhere on the planet. Contest runs to 11:59:59pm Eastern tonight, May 1, 2013. I’ll pick my favorite caption and announce it in the next couple of days and ship out the ARC next week.


Update: Contest now closed — I’ll look through the entries and announce a winner soon(ish)!

By John Scalzi

I enjoy pie.

483 replies on “First of May! Time for a Contest! To Win an ARC of The Human Division!”

Note: The comment thread is for entries only. Everything else will get snipped out, probably without me leaving a note it’s been snipped.

Note also that any entries I find that are overtly phobic and/or clearly troll-like I will probably also snip out, because, really, life’s too short.

Zeus: Stop trying to reenact that first chapter from “Android’s Dream”, that was based on technology, not eating all the cabbage and poop you could find in the yard.
Daisy: But it’s so tasty!

Zeus: My name is Zeus.
Daisy: Zeus?
Zeus : Yes, Zeus! As in Father of Apollo? Mount Olympus? Don’t-fuck-with-me-or-I’ll-shove-a-lightning-bolt-up-your-ass Zeus! You got a problem with that?
Daisy: No, I don’t have a problem.

ZEUS: I’m telling you Daisy, I don’t know how much longer I can take it! If he tries to sing “Soft Kitty” to me one more time, I’m taking him out at the knees!
DAISY: It’s not to bad, do you remember his Elvis phase? *shudder*

Zeus: Sub-creatures! Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, the Traveller has come! Choose and perish!
Daisy: I couldn’t help it! It just popped in there. [sigh] It’s a giant Bacon Beggin’ Strip.

Daisy: *cough* *cough* What WAS that I just ate?!
Zeuse: I TOLD you you shouldn’t eat it! I think that was one of his socks!
Daisy: But it smelled SO yummy… *cough*

Psst. Daisy, go roll in the flowers then shake out the pollen in his office. I’ll work on the dander. Soon he will be incapacitated.

Zeus: Here’s how it will work. I’ll keep an eye on the hu-man. Meanwhile, you pull down the front window drapes, knock over the coffee table, and root through the kitchen trash for last night’s pork chop bones. Then, lay down on the kitchen floor in the middle of the mess, put on your biggest grin, and bark real loud. When the hu-man comes in, he’ll think a burglar broke into the house, trashed the place, and was looking for food when you interrupted him and scared him away. The hu-man will reward you for your bravery. Since you’re doing most of the work, I’ll let you keep the pork chop bones.

Daisy: Hee hee! This will be great!

“As soon as the Churro Waffles are ready, you will distract our human servants by throwing up on the male’s keyboard. Then, the waffles will be MINE!”


“Silence, dog, or no waffles for you!!”

“Remember, you take out the big one, I get the little one. Got it? Good, cause enough is enough. Tomorrow, we take out the ukeleles.”

Nah, Daisy, no worries, no worries — they’d never suspect you! — you’re too smart for that. Just get the keys off the table, bring them to me — I’ll be waiting in the car — and once we’re on the road, the world is ours!!!

Looks to me like they are uncomfortably Karaoke-ing together.

“I could have been someone”

“Well, so could anyone!
You took my dreams from me,
when I first found you!”

“I kept them with me, babe;
I put them with my own.
Can’t make it out alone –
I’ve built my dreams around you.”

“And the boys of the NYPD choir’s still singing Galway Bay
And the bells are ringing out
For Christmas day.”

Okay, okay, 50% up front and the rest when the job is done. I don’t care how you do it, but those other two cats are gone by the end of the week.

“Daisy, that ‘Dog Whisperer’ ep you obsess over? I overdubbed it with Nine Inch Nails–‘Bite the Hand That Feeds’. Did you notice? You are sooooo screwed.”

Zeus: Daisy, when he opens the refrigerator, you distract him. I’ll sneak by, snag that steak out while the door is still open, and take it to the mudroom. Then you can come join me for the feast. (Aside – if I leave any for you, of course, dog…)

Yesss… The human is hiding your chew toys. And the beggin’ strips. If you get rid of him, you can have them all. All for you. All you need to do is get rid of the human ……..

Dr. Zeus: As you know, every diabolical scheme I’ve hatched has been thwarted by John Scalzi. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?
Daisy: Because you never kill him when you get the chance, and you’re a big dope?
[Kudos to Austin Powers…]

Daisy: Do you think he knows that we pooped in the house?
Zeus: Wipe that stupid grin off your face or he’ll figure it out, and then you’ll wish I was declawed!

Zeus: Chew the wire.
Daisy: Which one? The blue one or the red one?
Zeus: The white one! Wait, you’re color-blind.
Daisy: Gotcha!

Any questions?

Oh, Zeus, me! Me!

[ZEUS Slaps Forehead with paw] That is Emperor Zeus. Any questions that don’t involve chasing small furry creatures around the yard?

Um…What was the plan again?

You steal this cable, he will be forced to rely entirely on battery power during his flight and must interact with passengers. This will slowly drive him mad and allow us to finally take over the house while he is gibbering wildly about the man in B13 long after he comes home.

But what if he has a spare?

Then we are doomed to live a life of incomprehensible leisure…and bacon bits.

Daisy: Thunder…THUNDER…
Zeus: Shaddup, again, for hundredth time, I am not a Thundercat, that is a cartoon, and I will not come when you bark HOOOOOO.
Daisy: It’s worked every time so far, who says cats are smarter.

Zeus: No, I bite his ankle, then you body-check him behind his knees while I jump out of the way. THEN you lie on his chest while I slash the arteries on his neck. Once he bleeds out, we post online that he broke his leg or something and we keep writing as him. This 10% cut of net is ridiculous, we do all the work!

Daisy: But typing is hard! And I can’t work the can opener!

Z: He is not our FRIEND! He is our SERVANT! He is here to give us FOOD and ATTENTION! STOP sucking up to him! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?
D: (I hope I get to play fetch-the-stick when he comes back. I like to fetch the stick.)

Daisy: “Boss, you think he knows?”
Zeus: “You idiot!! He heard you! Get the car keys. Remember, I’m Thelma. You’re Louise.”

Ok, he wants us to do the Robin Redbreast part, like this:
ArrOoo, child, whatya think the cold winter’s gonna last forever?
Meeooo, child, now’s the time for all the people to get together,
‘Cause it’s the First of May, First of May, ….and so forth.
Can you handle that?

Remember, tonight it’s Phase 2. You bury their shoes in the backyard, and I’ll do the “lick the ear and run” thing after they go to sleep. A few more days of this, and the house is OURS.

Daisy: So all I have to do is squeeze myself into this bag, you’ll work the zipper, and then I get to go for a ride? But what do you get?
Zeus: I get to go for a nap.

Zues: “What do you mean, there is nothing here? You said this score was solid! And you said I could have a percentage to cover the vig on your debt!”

Daisy: “Uhh… the other one told me there would be other stuff in here… fish and milk and other cat-like stuff.”

Zues: “Good for what? There’s nothing here! Ten percent of nothing is…let me do the math here…nothing into nothing…carry the nothing…”

Daisy the dog: Why should I welcome you, John Scalzi?

Zeus the cat: A just question, my liege. Late is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear. “Lathspell” I name him. Ill news is an ill guest.

Daisy: We enjoyed your manuscript of The Feline Division. Since you are an unknown author, we cannot offer you an advance. But we will definitely consider publishing your novel as an ebook in exchange for a $2000 editing and artwork fee and all English language publication rights.
Zeus: I’d rather get neutered with a rusty butterknife than sign a contract like that.

Daisy: So I just roll around in the pollen and come back in. Then the stupid pet human sneezes for like 5 minutes.


Daisy: So, you know what we’re supposed to do today, right?
Zeus: … Look, I don’t care what JoCo says about the First of May, Venkman got it right: Dogs and cats living together…. Mass hystaria!

Zeus: “You fool! you’re only supposed to wag your tail after he gives us a treat.”
Daisy: “Sorry. I got too excited…”

“You gotta put more throat into it… really gutteral. Hhrrrrrrrrghghhh. Hrhhhhgrrrrrrhghhghh…

Yeah, that’ll get the humans running every time.”

“What are they doing?”
“When a human and a human really love each other, they-”
“No! I’m gunna be sick on the carpet!”
“No! That’s where I go! Also the bathroom floor. The front hall. His shoes. His chair…”

Daisy: Quick! Distract him while I get the last piece of the wire into his bag! Man, he will be so pissed when this thing goes off!
Zeus: Dude… You have an evil-streak I never thought you’d possess! Now pick me up, stroke me and cue evil laughter!

Daisy (left) tried hard to maintain the façade, as Zeus (right) had come to expect her enthusiastic participation in his various schemes, but her heart just wasn’t in it anymore.

Zeus: Here’s the plan: When the humans sit down to eat their churro waffles you run to the front door and start barking. They will investigate and while they are distracted I will sneak into the kitchen and take the churro waffles for us.

Daisy: I’m a dog!

Zeus: “Damnit Daisy, you know you need me on this mission! Your bag full of wires and tricks won’t be enough this time! Don’t you dare leave me behind!”

Zues: So daisy we’re still joining up today right?
Daisy: I don’t know Zeus, green isn’t my color…
Zues: *sigh* dads been reading to you again hasn’t he?
Daisy: Ye-yeah…

Daisy: But I don’t want to be the evil minion . . .
Zeus: SILENCE! Your insolence will not be tolerated. You don’t have to kill John, just tear out his liver. Now do something useful with those powerful jaws and open this bag of cat food.

Daisy: “I mean honestly, you don’t get any bigger than Lassie, Toto, Cujo or any of those big-time dogs that..”
Daisy “Oh sure, any time we start talkin’ famous animals, some cat has to go and pull Morris out of his ass…”

When do we swap back? You look like an idiot in the litter box and my fetching sticks in this sleek, lithe frame of yours is just too easy. No challenge. Oh, I am so sorry I lost for you this morning one of your nine lives. Didn’t see the snake.

Daisy/Vladimir: “…. until they become a habit. You may say it is to prevent our reason from foundering. No doubt. But has it not long been straying in the night without end of the abyssal depths? That’s what I sometimes wonder. You follow my reasoning?”

Zeus/Estragon: “We are all born mad. Some remain s…” ssss, Bacon Man is coming. Look natural.


Daisy: Huff.

Zeus: Mrrow.


Zeus: Mrow.

Zeus: I want to say one word to you. Just one word.
Daisy: Yes, sir.
Zeus: Are you listening?
Daisy: Yes, I am.
Zeus: Clays.
Daisy: Exactly how do you mean?
Zeus: There’s a great future in clays. Think about it. Will you think about it?

Daisy: Do you think he knows?
Zeus: Of course not. He’s only human.
Daisy: I dunno. That last book was pretty close…
Zeus: Coincidence.
Daisy: You’re telling me the whole brain in a box was coincidence? Ghlaghghee said she’s nearly got it perfected and he…
Zeus: Look idiot, how many times do I have to say it – he’s only a freaking human!
Daisy: Uh huh. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Zeus: A…what the hell does that mean?
Daisy: It means he might be right without even knowing it.
Zeus: Hmmmm. Good point there. Ghlaghghee did say she needed a test subject for the box. Maybe we found our volunteer…

Daisy: But I don’t want to eat him, I’m man’s best friend. Besides, he has opposable thumbs.
Zeus: Silence fool! Do I pay you to think?
Daisy: You don’t pay me at all.
Zeus: Shut up!

Zeus : “There is no escape. Don’t make me destroy you..Daisy, I am your father. You can overthrow the human. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny. Join me and together we can rule the galaxy”

Daisy: What are we going to do tonight Zeus?

Zeus: The same thing we do every night Daisy. We try to take over the World!
Now Daisy, pay attention! Remember to distract the Humans while I work on the source code for Whatever. Then soon everybody will become my (Hey!) excuse me, Our slaves…

Daisy: Snaarf!

Daisy and the Brain, yes it’s Daisy and the Brain, ones rather simple, the other’s insane…

Daisy: “Shush! He heard us! Hide the cards!”
Zeus: “Funny, you always say that when you’re losing … Ante up, mutt, and put your chips where yer yips is!”

Daisy: He’s looking at us, we should hide in this bag.
Zeus: It’s NOT bigger on the inside, you tail wagging dingbat!

For the last time…Your children and your cousins’ children are second cousins.
You and your cousins’ children are first cousins once removed, with removal signifying a shift in generations.

Zeus: Now, while he’s not looking, we’ll steal the human’s laptop!
Daisy: But we don’t have opposable thumbs. How will we even use it?
Zeus: Do not bother me with such trivial details!

So I said to him, “if you come any closer with that bacon I’m going to tape catnip all over your body and post the photos on the internet!”

Zeus as Vito Corleone: “I’m a little worried about this Scalzi fella. I want you to find out what’s under his fingernails. Go to the Tattaglias, make them think that you’re not too happy with our family…find out what you can about the bacon.”

Daisy as Luca Brasi: “Yes, Don Corleone.”

Zeus: I’m telling ya, “class is intrinsically responsible for class divisions,” according to Baudrillard; however, according to Wilson; “it is not so much class that is intrinsically responsible for class divisions, but rather the rubicon, and eventually the dialectic, of class.” The subject is interpolated into a Debordist image that includes language as a reality. However, the primary theme of the works of Burroughs is the futility of textual society.

Daisy: Yeah, yeah, i see where you’re coming from but unified psychoacoustic epistemologies have led to many unfortunate advances, including web browsers and IPv6. After years of intuitive research into cache coherence, we need to validate the deployment of journaling file systems, which embodies the confusing principles of exhaustive hardware and architecture. We can then emphasize that our application evaluates flip-flop gates. To what extent can digital-to-analog converters be deployed to surmount this problem?

Zeus: Ok, I can agree with that. Step 1. I’ll let you know when he is carrying ice cream. 2. You trip him. 3. I’ll grab the ice cream and run. 4. We rendezvous under the stairs.

Daisy: Check!

Daisy: I am so tired of writing books for him
Zeus: Ya? What about me? I have to dance on the keyboard all night typing the damn thing
Daisy: Don’t hiss at me cuz my paws are too big

Daisy: Well, let’s see, we have on the bags, Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third…

Zeus: That’s what I want to find out.

Zeus : “… and then, he used me as a friggin’ PROP for his latest book ! Something must be done about this kind of unconscionable behaviour, I tell you !!”
Daisy : ” Don’t worry. I snuck his entire churro stock into this bag. The lack of sugar intake should soon revert him back to his usual tamer self.”

Sorry Zeus, I was hungry. I couldn’t help myself.
It’s OK Daisy, just don’t tell anyone you ate the cheezberger, you’ll ruin our plan to rule the interwebs.

Daisy: “Gee Zeus, what are we going to do tonight?”
Zeus: “Same thing we do everything night Daisy. Try to take over the world!”
John (Singing):”Their Daisy, Their Daisy and the Zeus, Zeus, Zeus, Zeus, Zeus, Zeus, Zeus, Zeus NARF!”

Daisy: Move every book in the study to a different place? What for?

Zeus: Ah, then comes the brilliant part. Then, we —

Daisy: Oh no, he’s watching!

Together: [Bark]/[Meow]

Daisy: Did you find the Renfield? Zeus: No, all that’s in here is a bunch of wires! Why do you want it so bad? Daisy: “grins” I need a new chew toy! Zeus: “sigh” Stupid dog I thought we we’re looking for bacon.

Ok, so it’s not the first Star Wars reference, but the implications of the scene demand it:

Zeus: “I’m looking forward to completing your training. In time you will call *me* master. “

Daisy: So, John, if you’ll just open this laptop, you’ll see the photographic evidence of exactly what happened to your fluffy bunny last summer….
Zeus: Shut up, you neurotic nincompooch!

Zeus: No! The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon! The vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true!

Daisy: The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon; the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true.

Zeus: Just remember that.

Zeus: That upper register in my hearing can’t take it any more. When he sets down the ukelele thingy, I’ll distract him while you go get it. Make sure you bite down hard.
Daisy: Almost ready…almost ready…now!

Daisy: “It will happen tonight, once he falls asleep!”
Zeus: “We’ll see if he still thinks neutering is so humane and civilized…”

Zeus: “Damn it! He snapped another pic of us. Now complete strangers are going to put words in our mouths like they know us and the worst part is he ENCOURAGES this with treats. And he calls US the animals.”

Zeus: Dude, I tried to tell you not to eat them. There’s no such thing as dog-nip.
Daisy: *hyurk* uhhhhhh, what were they then?
Zeus: I think the big guy calls them Dandy Cats? Dandy Tigers?
Daisy: *hyuuuurrrrk*
Zeus: Here, aim for this lap-top bag.

Zeus (in cat language): “Hey, today’s the last day to get a signed copy of Scalzi’s new book!”

Daisy (in dog language): “Yes, I agree: You’d taste delicious wrapped in bacon!”

Daisy: You DIDN’T want the new bag of kibble?

Zeus: No! I wanted the human’s noisy string toy so I could play with it too. (Pause) Does the bag have the GOOD kibble?

Zeus: There is a place for you in my new empire – all we felines need is proof of your loyalty.
Daisy: What is your bidding, master?
Zeus: Bring me what the human Scalzi calls “The Mallet of loving correction.” With it’s power, I’ll be unstoppable!

Daisy: It’s simple. All you have to do….is eat that churro on the counter. Do that, and you will be king of the household, you will have the prime seat on the easy chair, and he will pet you and love you…and in no way throw you in the back yard creating an unwitting detraction whilst I grab that most delectable of treats.
Zeus: Yes…I see it clearly now….yes….churro….hmmmm…… What’s an unwit?

Zeus: See? He’s doing it again. He’s exploiting us for his own personal gain.
Daisy: Yeah! I sure don’t seem to be getting any royalties from all the pictures he keeps posting of us.

Zeus: For the LAST time.We wait until he is sleeping. I’ll suffocate him by sittig on his chest, you eat the tasty remains, and then his females will be OURS, ALL OURS HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Daisy: I like pie

Sure, sure, you piddled on the rug, but that’s so…juvenile. Now leaving a half-dead mouse in their underwear drawer…THAT is a worthwhile prank.

Daisy: “Yesh, Marshter…”

Zeus: “And this time, none of that ‘Abby Normal’ crap. The last one ended up writing science fiction.”

“It’s the first of May, they’re playing that song, my evil plans are in place! If you tell them where the security cameras are hidden I’ll make sure you get offed horribly in the next Seanan McGuire novel!”

Zeus: You convince him to let you out, while I put the notes for his next book on the interweb.
Daisy: Owww, do you think he will play ball with me?
Zeus: If he does, all the better.

Zeus: The humans have more food than you can possibly imagine. They are playing us. You’ve seen the foodbox, and how they horde all the best stuff for themselves.

Daisy: I dunno… look at him.

Zeus: Don’t be foolish Dog, stop looking at him. We need to work together. Let me explain ‘Good Cat Bad Dog’ to you…

I don’t think Zaracorp has suffered enough Daisey. How are we going to get John to write more Zeus fan fic… another Fuzzy story?

Z: Dammit, these transmogrifications are usually sexier.
D: You are thinking of Leda again arn’t you?
Z: What . . . No, not at all . . . I wouldn’t.
D: I’m outta here.

(One liner version; official submission:)

“Nuh, uh! It’s your turn to be Andrew Ridgeley. I’M George Michael this time.”

(Director’s Cut:)

Z: That was fun! Let’s do Wham now. I’ll be George Michael.

D: Nuh, uh! It’s your turn to be Andrew Ridgeley. I’M George Michael this time.

Z: Okay, fine. “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.” Do it!

D: “Never gonna give you up; Never gonna let you down; Never gonna run around and desert you!”


D: BWAHAHAhahahhahah…

Z: Daisy, pay attention you stupid mutt! He’s gone MAD, I tell you. Just _look_ at him. We MUST strike first! Why yesterday, he tried to feed me a doggy biscuit.
D: Doggy biscuit? WHERE! GIMME!

Zeus: How long do you think it will take him to figure out that massive turd in my litter box was from you and not me? If he takes me into the vet again I am going to eat your right eye while you are asleep.

And one more thing. You must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.

Actually sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment.

Zeus: (Whispering) You know you want to. It would be so easy. He likes you, he’ll forgive you. You deserve this. Just go over there and start eating the manuscript. I’m your friend, I’ve got your back! Go on.
Daisy: Why do I listen to you?

Daisy: John, We have something to tell you
Zeus: Don’t you dare tell him him that we made changes to the book version of The Human Division!

Daisy: I can take him! He’s refused to let me eat the steak for the last time!
Zeus: You idiot! You know Ghlaghghlee has plans for the human, if you attack him now, you’re gonna screw it up. Stand DOWN!

“My Lord Zeus, I thought the human was fully asleep on the couch when we tried to put his hand in the water bowl” “Next time make sure of it or I will make sure your belly is never scratched AGAIN!”

Raised by humans that were raised by animals, Daisy and Zeus are clearly the dominate beings in the family. They are now devising a plan to remind the domesticates of the house rules to make sure they are still supremacy.

Zeus: I’m telling you, Barbara Walters said you have to open your mouth slightly while smiling to look best in photos. All famous people know this.
Daisy: I dunno. This is weird. I think Barbara is full of shit.

Figure 33: The well-developed cerebral cortex of Earth mammals and birds allows them to engage in long-term planning. Here, Felis domesticus and Canis domesticus pretend to engage in conversation in order to distract the photographer while Corvus corax (not shown) flies overhead with a brick.

Zeus: Here’s the plan – you go right and look needy and ready for scratches while I go left and grab the steak.
Daisy: Okay, do I get some steak?
Zeus: Later, they’re looking this way! Go to work!

The one with the short, thinning head fur tastes like BACON, and you know what to do about that, don’t you, inferior canine? DON’T YOU?

Remember your the distraction, start barking and chasing your tail and while they are dazed I’ll grab the keys and we are off to McDonald’s and it is snack wraps for everyone!!!

The thing about humans, Daisy, is that they think when you lick their hand you’re saying, “I love you,” when in fact you’re asking them, “Can you guess what I was licking 5 minutes ago?”

Z: Here’s a new one for you: the gom jabbar. It kills only beasts.
D: You dare suggest that Daisy Scalzi is a beast?
Z: Let us say I suggest you may have a brain. But you still look like you could out-stare a scarecrow.

Zeus: Look, I’m not a huge fan of rabbits, either. But it’s for a good cause. And it beats wearing bacon.
Daisy: But what if we got to eat the bacon after wearing it?
Zeus: Just put on the Gamma Rabbit shirt, Daisy.

Zeus, agent of CATS (Complete Allegiance To Satan), attempts to perform the nefarious, hypnotic PURR (Perform UnRestrained all Requests) technique on Daisy, agent of DOG (Does Only Good).

Daisy: You serious? You’re really thinking about quitting?
Zeus: The life?
Daisy: Yeah.
Zeus: Most definitely.
Daisy: Oh, . What’cha gonna do, man?
Zeus: Well, that’s what I’ve been sitting here contemplating. First, I’m going to deliver this case to Ghlaghghee, then, basically, I’m just going to walk the Earth.
Daisy: What’cha mean, “walk the earth”?
Zeus: You know, like Caine in Kung Fu: walk from place to place, meet people, get into adventures.

Narrator (Don LaFontaine, the movie guy): In a world where dogs and cats are living together, a world of mass hysteria… Daisy and Zeus have been caught red-pawed.

Daisy: Woof
Zeus: Meowwww

Narrator: Zeus blames Daisy’s poker face. Daisy blames Wil Wheaton and Brandon Sanderson since neither one is there. Squirrel!

Daisy: Rrrrow
Zeus: Hssssssss

Narrator: Next time they’ll use a beer-battered, deep-fried, bacon-wrapped churro waffle to lure the silly man away from the computer, then…

Daisy: Bacon!
Zeus: Waffle!

Narrator: One keeps the man occupied with cleverness, while the other posts pictures of the man with various things taped to him.

I’m so close to winning. I knew they would wait a month before asking our master who the winner was. I can’t believe you only said 1 week!

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