I Need a Better Class of Panicked Dude Leaving Comments
Because I gotta tell ya, the ones that are posting here are letting me down. Consider this latest comment, expunged from its original place in a comment here but presented for your delight, from “ManCaveThrust”:
This place is horseshit. Anyone who tells the TRUTH about alpha game or feminism suddenly becomes a prime target for Scalzi’s black helicopter squad. Take your self-righteousness and stuff it. You and your rabbit poops can stay far away from me and my tight ass life.
1. Tired rhetoric — “rabbit” references been done to death in terms of me, handwringing about feminism likewise, all this “alpha” stuff, game or otherwise, is just boring. Yes, yes, alpha this, rabbit that. Where’s the originality? Where’s the pop? Where’s the craft?
2. For that matter, this fellow is clearly not keeping up with current events, otherwise he’d know that at the moment I’m (fairly, to be sure) not exactly in the finest possible odor with many feminists. I want my ranting comments fresh and contextually aware, thank you.
3. A single all capped word? If you’re not going to commit to an all-cap lifestyle in your comment, don’t bring the all caps at all. And again, here we are with the craft issue.
4. Metaphor usage is not up to snuff. “Black helicopter squad?” If this dude was paying any attention at all, it would have been “pastel helicopter squad” — most people would have realized it was a play on “black helicopters” but the “pastel” bit would have more in line with the attempt to frame me as an emasculated tool of the matriarchy; real men won’t ever be seen in pastels, they’re clinically proven to shrink one’s testicles.
Now, granted, if I were actually an emasculated tool of the matriarchy, I would not be allowed helicopters at all, pastel or otherwise. But let’s not overtax this fellow by asking him to think his metaphor all the way through. Asking him for a little surface consistency, however, is not too much.
5. “Rabbit poops”? Really? I get this this is supposed to be insulting, but, honestly. It sounds like an eight-year-old unfamiliar with how swearing works jamming words together, Mad Libs style. It doesn’t really sync with the swaggering, hypermasculine tone this dude was clearly intending. I mean, he uses “horseshit” earlier, so we know he’s down with the swearing thing; “rabbit poop” is a bit of a come down. This is the opposite of sticking the dismount.
6. I’m not sure what kind of vibe this fellow was intending to send by calling himself “ManCaveThrust” and discussing his “tight ass life,” but I am pretty sure it’s not the same one I got.
7. Going to someone’s site to tell them to stay away from you? Dude. Come on.
Sloppy. Lazy. Inchoate. Any actual attempt to assert alpha-ness, or to accentuate my not-alpha-ness (or whatever) undermined by complete lack of composition, flow or sense. In short: Disappointing effort. But as with so many of these dudes, “disappointing” seems the best he can manage.
To be fair, I wouldn’t have let this comment stay in the comment thread even if it was brilliantly composed, because I have better goals for the site than to have it cluttered up with panicked boys trying to be all tough on the Internet, where they don’t actually have to look anyone in the eye as they type out their posturing. But at least I would have been entertained before I deleted the comment. All I get out of this one is a sense of pity, and a desire to put the fellow through a writing workshop. And that’s just not enough.