Having a Great Time at Worldcon

Wish you were here.

Photo by Crystal Huff.

By John Scalzi

I enjoy pie.

63 replies on “Having a Great Time at Worldcon”

Dude. You look good here! Rock on!

John, you ever think that even with all of the work you’ve produced, the accomplishments you’ve attained (SFWA, etc.), the charitable contributions you’ve made…

history might best remember you as “Gamma Rabbit”? :)

P.S. I like the clean-shaven look. When/why the change?

By the way, the chance that some dudebro will take that picture and try to make a meme out of it: High. That said meme will be exceedingly unfunny: Even higher.

The chance that Mr. Scalzi will then transform said unfunny meme into another devastatingly hilarious post in which he skewers the poor dudebro on Whatever: Virtual certainty.

Can’t wait to see it!

Thanks for the tip, Xopher. The was guesswork on my part, based on what works on a different site I frequent. It did still convey what I wanted it to, albeit not very attractively. Good to know the proper method to use in future.

Does Mr. Scalzi have a banhammer as well as a Mallet of Loving Correction for assholes like nighthawk? I clicked on the link, and have spent the last hour shouting Klingon slogans in order to cleanse my soul. I feel unclean just existing in the same world as RSHD and his thralls.

Gowron is not worthy even of the ears and T-shirt. TO induct him into The Order of the Green Dress would be an insult to all Klingondom. This must not stand! Not even in 5-inch peau de soie spikes!

And thus began the Klingon Famous Footwear War, memorialized these days by only a few sad spots in strip malls…

And then Worf, son of Mogh, proved himself the greatest Klingon ever known, single-handedly destroying an entire Species 8472 invasion fleet while clad in a pink tutu, fluffy purple targ ears, and ridiculous spike heels (he was in the costume due to a bet between him and Starfleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard). Thus, Worf, son of Mogh, gin’tak of the house of Martok, earned the name of Worf the Unforgettable, true heir to Kahless the Unforgettable, and proved once and for all that a real man is perfectly confident in a dress and heels and ending the Klingon Famous Footwear War once and for all. The treacherous peta’qs of the Houses of Duras and Torg continued to be racist sexist homophobic dipshits, but were soon defeated by the power of Worf and his soldiers.

I found the Borg queen disappointing. The writers fumbled a golden opportunity to have Data and Picard interact with the truly alien emissary of a hive intelligence, and instead they basically made her a conventional individual with the collective in her thrall. But they really screwed the pooch with Voyager when they tried to make her a matriarchal nemesis for Janeway.

I agree, Gulliver. Cool as the Borg Queen is, she violates the whole point of the Borg, which is that NO individual is important. The trouble is, there’s no way to defeat such an enemy! So they had to make the Borg the personal army of this strange alien individual. Lazy writing.

Floored, it takes a real man to wear a tutu (or a green dress). Worf went on to further liberate his people by explaining how much more quickly a soldier can react when he’s wearing a tutu rather than 75 pounds of leather. Free at last of their (literal) burden, the Klingons made it to the mountaintop, where they opened the Gamma Targ Ski Lodge.

So the laughably-named “Dudebro” and his micro-bros, who can’t contain the depths of their deeply closeted gay love for you, have already wasted precious bandwidth with their Fox News idea of “humor”, Scalzi?

Nice ears, BTW – so how does the Interpretive Dance Version of Worldcon’s Sexual Harassment Policy go in its entirety, anyway?

@ Mr. Scalzi: Congrats on the Hugo! Redshirts really deserves that award.

@ Samurai: But then the evil RSHDs known as the Felk’ihri, the legendary demons of Klingon mythology, destroyed the Gamma Targ Ski Lodge in a hateful attack of intolerance.

@ Gulliver, Xopher: To me, the point is not so much that the writers went all NIck Weinstein with the Borg, but that the Borg Queen herself is really well done. The concept of the Borg Queen is screwed up, but she herself is electrifying and mesmerizing.

And then the Klingons manned up, put on their tutus and bunny ears, and gave the evil ones such a legendary ass-kicking that echoes of it reverberate to this day in the Internet term “butthurt,” often applied to the whining of a troll who’s been caught out. Then they hired a Farengi contractor to build a new, better-defended ski lodge, and, just to rub it in to the defeated, the new lodge sports a giant pair of bunny ears on the roof.

And then the treacherous humans of Section Poisonous Internet Troll attacked the ski lodge with sneaky, underhanded attacks meant to turn the Klingons against each other. These efforts failed and backfired so dramatically that not even the Mighty Scalzi, Overlord of the Q Continuum, a god to the Q because of his unstoppable might, which made even the power of the Q seem insignificant, could possibly mock the Section Poisonous Internet Troll mooks more than they had already mocked themselves.

And the Ferengi did rub their hands with glee, and proceed to make a killing selling fluffy fake ears of many species and tutus and high heeled pumps and breakfast cereals and bat’leths. Because the mooks still don’t get it, and the Klingons don’t care, they will still shred your face.
Rule of Acquisition #58: There is no substitute for success.

And then the Mighty Scalzi, Overlord and rightful Supreme Commander of the universe, came back from His vacation to the unknowable WorldCon with the invincible artifact of pure awesomeness known as the Hu-go, and He saw the Klingon ski lodge and the rich Ferengi and the pwned Felk’Ihri and mooks, and He was happy, for the galaxy was at peace, and His principles had been upheld by blade and blood, and His books were selling better than ever, because one of His cultists had discovered that He was the creator of Gamma Rabbit, the symbol of tolerance and equality that had brought peace to the galaxy.

And then the Mighty Scalzi proceeded to write more masterworks for His adoring followers, who forged mighty artifacts for Him: another Hu-go, a pair of Nebulae, and the mighty Hammer of Kharas*, created by His greatest followers specifically for Him. For His books continued their awesomeness, and His followers converted the unbelievers, who flocked to His shrines to hear His words and read His books.

And then the Mighty Scalzi got filthy rich and bought a McMansion as an afterthought, for when one has 700 million adoring fans giving you an average of one dollar per week (each), one really can’t realistically give all of that money to charity, and the bits of surplus add up really fast.

Thus endeth Book One of the Scalzi Saga. Hear His words! Serve His might! Win glory and honor for His Empire!


(no, I do not literally worship Mr. Scalzi. I am, however, obsessed with his books.)

*Think a giant golden Mallet, suitable for troll-bashing, destroying planets, forging new planets, just looking awesome, etc.

Who were messily devoured by Longranian Ice Sharks, Borgovian Land Worms cribbed from Dune, giant space badgers (the Great Badger of Tau Ceti, to be precise), and Thalangarian tendriculoses, along with various sentient rocks, giant insects, and random cannibals.

Comments are closed.

Exit mobile version