We Have Houseguests
Posted on September 14, 2013 Posted by John Scalzi 64 Comments
So no (other) updating today. Maybe not tomorrow, either. Be strong!
Whatever
FURIOUSLY REASONABLE
WHATEVER
Taunting the tauntable since 1998
John Scalzi, proprietor – JS
Athena Scalzi, contributor – AMS
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Sigh. I’m not sure how I will make it through the day.
“Houseguests” is code for “badger invasion,” right? Should we send reinforcements?
If it’s a badger/squirrel/flying mutant ninja were-lemur invasion, I will come and save you with my Sword of Inevitable Justice.
Enjoy your houseguests, John. We’ll survive. Well, some of us will, anyway.
Hour one: Scalzi’s houseguests have arrived, severing my ties with the sweet manna that are his wonders, words and witticisms. I am shattered and can barely lift my Mountain Dew before the sheer effort against such desperation reduces me to a blubbering mess coccooned in my Ralph McQuarrie Star Wars Snuggie.
The only possible good that can come from this is that a few dudebros may die from sheer insanity due to Scalzi’s radio silence.
That I may die as well is a bitter fact. How will I go on?
But…..but…..what will I read with my coffee????
I just found you and now this…the horror…
Hour two: without his master’s bloggatations to guide me I have become even more incapable of speech. For without a beacon such as his to operate in the world I know not which foot to put forward, which word to speak as I open my mouth to respond to the simplest phrase.
The darkness is my life grows ever more oppressive and insurmountable.
I am also too lazy to shower or reach for the remote. All hope is lost.
I have sent my not-so-valorous minions to save Our Lord, Host, And Master, John Scalzi, May He Live Forever, from the unholy army of flying mutant ninja were-lemurs. Scalzi ftagn!
Meanwhile, I am slowly dying from Scalzi deprivation. I’m going to go rewatch seasons 1 and 2 of Avatar: The Last Airbender (plus season 3, if I can manage it, because Mark Hamill is a great villain). It is but a temporary patch, however; I NEED MOAR SCALZI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hour three: my vision is failing. No amount of Ren & Stimpy or Stargate: Poughkeepsie or Bust can help me now. I wallow in my own filth wondering if my shallow breathign and faint moans will alert the neighbors. Or perhaps my wife will take pity on me and bring me a diet Pepsi. Which I hate.
I’ve eaten my snuggie in desperation. And also the vast deposits of Cheeto dust it contains.
How long will this go on?
Hour four: how long can one man survive on carpet lint and pretzel sticks partially preserved in the couch cushions? I may be the first to find out.
No word yet from the Master. My brain has died a little. But that may be the red vines I jabbed in my ears.
I think Floored needs to send his minions to save Chang first.
No stars. No sun. No Light. No dark. No sound. Only void.
All out of Funyuns.
Where has the Master gone…
Oops, too late. And he took that Snuggie with him, dammit.
Tell them you’ve converted to Judaism, and are in the middle of a 25-hour fast for Yom Kippur, Scalzi.
That should rid yourself of the problem quick enough!
Found a popsicle stick and one of those wooden spoons you get in those little cups of ice cream between the other couch cushions. In the right light these look like His face and Wil Wheaton’s. Am now recreating Red Shirts from memory with the two puppets acting it out.
One day aliens will find my corpse and wonder what strange religion was practiced here.
I am sure John will summon the interminators to send the House Guests away on Monday. Whereupon, he will restore stability to the Galaxy by resuming distribution of the wisdom we all seek on his blog.
Now I’m wondering, is Wil the popsicle stick and John the ice cream spoon? The alien anthropologists will need to know.
Quick! To the emergency Random Whatever link!
Previously with Houseguests we got the picture of That Green Dress, who knows what this visit will throw up?
Since Scalzi is entertaining, we now own this place! I’ve planted a flag, and I demand that you all post links to whatever music you’re currently listening to.
No, that has nothing to do with our host or scifi or books, but I’m just bored with my playlist and want to hear what other people are listening to.
*gibbers* quietly to herself in the corner whilst chang plays with his spoons.
Hdagg asshh agg al Scalzi haddagh
All haddag shamman Sclazi al hag al hadagh
Shem haggg Scalzi al hadagg
Hadaag ad haddg Scalzi
Shammad al daahaag
KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
So if we go up the river into the Heart of Darke County will changterhune be there to greet us?
The Heart of Darkeness, Jack? “In the dark counties of Ohio, Scalzi lies dreaming…and if he wins two more Hugos, he will awaken and devour us all.”
Eldritch. Squamous. Rugose. You know the drill.
Never get out of the boat.
Say hi for me if it’s anyone I know.
Don’t worry, Chang! My mooks will travel to Grethor to retrieve you!
KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNN!!!!
Scalzi ftagn!
Well, if you don’t mind a total non sequitur, I’ve listened to the music in this video a lot in the past week, while I was making the video. I’m a fan of Samael.
Scalzi claims to have houseguestS. In fact, Google Analytics shows that Scalzi has exactly one houseguest (with no “s” after it — or him, or her, or whatever)! I guess Scalzi has “up to” houseguests!! HAHAHAHA! Pwned, Scalzi!!!
@Blue-Jay: I’m currently listening to UCO “Stormproof Matches, Waterproof and Windproof with 15 Second Burn Time – 25 Matches.”
OOps, I mean, Capital Cities-In A Tidal Wave Of Mystery-Safe and Sound. And the video for https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJinWua98NA is definitely something.
@changterhune: I need more grey in your mustache. Or maybe tips on waxing handle bars. And Funyuns.
@Lurkertype So what that I’m wearing a red shirt. This is just a routine supply run. What could go wrong?
Anthony Frost, “throw up” was perhaps not the most felicitous phrase.
I hope they didn’t bring you candy. Sheesh.
@BW, it depends on the houseguest, their digestive system, and the food they consume. I mean, sometimes it happens. It is infelicitous for Mr. Frost to suggest it, however.
@ShawnT is definitely getting out of the boat, I fear.
Noooo, ShawnT, save yourself before it’s too late! Report to sick bay immediately. Tell the doctor you’ve been throwing up Green Dresses.
Hey, sweetheart, I don’t have candy. But I do have cookies. And an adorable kitten.
Sorry, and Shit. I meant to go somewhere with that.
Drunk now. Probably where I meant to go with that was very stupid, and I’m probably stupendously happy that I forgot where to.
–
No worries on my getting out of the boat. Sharks are delicious. I’ll be fine. My red shirt will protect me.
–
–
“throwing up Green Dresses.” OK, now I’m sober. And frightened. I’d rather not throw up something I’ve not eaten.
And in the telling of the tell there is this to tell:
Once there was the Man and he dig blog.
And all the kidduns they did love the Mans words.
Oh, words words words words words the man did scribe.
Then one day them Guests did descend on the Man and
The words stopped.
The Man said he’d be back but the night grew long and dark and he never did. Sometimes in the tells they say the Man left. Some say he gone for all the time.
Some…
They went mad from without the Man.
Some
Still wait for The Man to come being back the words.
Come back, blog Man.
Sam said it best:
Hey guys. I was looking over a printed pamphlet of “Straight White Male: The Lowest Difficulty Setting There Is” and I found a footnote that says, “Kittenate all the Dudebros!” What does it mean?
[JReynolds checks Whatever to see if OGH has added another post.]
[JReynolds saw nothing]
“Noooooooooo!”
8. 9. 4. 3. 3. 2. 5. 1. 0. 0. 9. 7. 2. 1. 1. 3.
Jack Lint:
I believe it’s a setting on the Mallet of Loving Correction Scalzi uses to deal with trolls:
http://whatever.scalzi.com/2013/01/21/the-kitten-setting/
The strong will survive. The rest of us will go to Disney World. Tomorrow.
If chang succumbs to deblogation before me, I call dibs on his his liver. Just sayin.
*goes in search of charcoal briquette*
SURVEY TEAM NECRON REPORT 1.1.1:
Trans-dimensional beam portal functional. Capt. Prtyu Bnmz reporting. Arrived at destination 100% intact. No primary limb loss or organ rearrangement. Have found evidence of carbon based, radial symmetric life form. Appears to have died through enforced mummification or prolonged lack of exposure to external bio-plasmatic stimuli. Establishing sensory unit to determine exact cause and time of death.
Please hold for next update.
Don’t worry, chang! My mooks are rappelling into the Cavern of the Blog-Deprived to save you!
Scalzi ftagn!
SURVEY TEAM NECRON REPORT 1.1.2:
Capt. Prtyu Bnmz reporting. Preliminary results of examinations reveals subject was either a devotee of subversive religious cult or afflicted with neuro-psychological dysfunction or a brain parasite. Vast quantities of food containers combined with general state of decay indicates subject was possibly highly intelligent or intellectually recessive. Repeated records of viewing media reporting system may reveal further insight. It is this reporter’s resolve to understand this culture as much as possible before the portal seals up. I must determine what exactly a “Scalzi” is. God? Demon? Form of currency? Food source? Venereal disease?
Report to follow. Please hold for next update.
On second thought, let’s leave you to rot in the pit. Nobody calls Our Leader a venereal disease on my watch!
Scalzi ftagn, unbeliever!
Uh, Floored, the away mission is to another place. He’s not talking about Our Captain.
He’s trying to figure out what the denizens of the other place mean, which is never an easy task. What *they* mean by “Scalzi” is assuredly not what *we* mean by “Scalzi.”
Dude, I’m not serious. I don’t even have mooks in real life. Please don’t spoil our fun by being all serious.
URVEY TEAM NECRON REPORT 1.1.3:
Capt. Prtyu Bnmz reporting. Language synthesizers malfunctioned on first analyses. Rebooted and re calibrated, they revealed what was at first translated as “venereal disease” was actually “social commentator.” This Scalzi appears ot have been a widely revered religious figure and writer, depicting worlds wherein “gamma rabbits” fought “dudebros” over the rights to harvest “coke zero” and “red vine” crops. Scalzi’s followers were devout though some of them were in truth non-believers. These were subjected to Scalzi’s use of a weapon of mass destruction called “The Mallet Of Loving Correction.” I will research the archives for schematics of this device. It seemed nuclear powered as it needed to be electrically charged in order to function.
A most fascinating world is unfolding before me.
Update to follow. Please hold.
Indiana Floored’s mission journal. Time: Unknown. Location: Unknown.
Well, I have a Sovereign-class battle cruiser and two sets of plot-critical characters with me, and I have fallen through yet another wormhole. I’m not sure where I am, but I do know that I have a brand-shiny-new collection of Our Leader’s holy words with me to read. All hail the Mallet of Loving Correction! Scalzi ftagn!
We are being fired upon by a gargantuan, flat pentagonal starship called the Morokweng. Captain Picard seems to have angered the owners of said ship by offering sanctuary to one Captain Kaff Tagon and his perambulatory dung ball henchman, a psychopathic gun nut by the name of Sergeant Schlock. Captain Tagon is apparently a space mercenary, until about ten minutes ago operating from the now-destroyed starship Bristlecone, and has a crew of about seventy. Captain Picard has just authorized a quantum torpedo strike on the colossal “annie-plants” that apparently power the enemy starship.
[ten seconds later]
Holyshitholyshitholyshit that was a big explosion.
This is totally worth being cut off from Our Leader’s glorious words. At least I have a collection of his earlier words, and I’m sitting on the left of the captain’s chair on the freaking Enterprise-E. Plus, I have a really, really sweet phaser rifle.
More updates after we clear the wreckage. Apparently breached annie-plants explode dramatically.
Man, there are just alternate universes everywhere.
Poor Chang’s gone into a dystopian future where aliens have found him. Let’s hope Mrs. Chang goes down into the mancave sometime and shoos Capt. Bnmz out.
Does this mean that Chang is now Chang (who is not Chang)? Does the loss of our Scalziblogger herald the return of The Fan Club? Is this all a plot by The Radiant She?
Radially Symmetrical?
SURVEY TEAM NECRON REPORT 1.1.4:
Capt. Prtyu Bnmz reporting. A wealth of worlds has opened before me. The Scalzi is a shining beacon in a world of darkness and gloom. The individual who died (transformed? transmogrified?) here opened the world in preparation for my receiving the world of The Scalzi. I behold it in my receptors (ocular, aural, olfactory, rectactally) and revel in its wonder. I cannot return to my world nor the planning of the invasion. This small gift shall be mine and mine alone forever. There is enough zxcv for me to survive on (the previous occupant, the Pilgrim as I now call it) left vast amounts of it for me. I believe this was all pre-ordained. The portal shall close soon. But I care not.
For I am truly home.
Transmission Ends.
I think the comments have become more interesting when the Scalzi’s away…
Scalzi ftagn, Captain Bnmz. Live long, and prosper. *Vulcan salute*
Vis chang’s demise and dibs on the liver: If chang is a type 0, 4 or 2 human the liver is not edible and can cause hypervitaminosis in susceptible variants.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that the folk remedy “fava beans” is problematic.
I… I… house guests? Just because you’ve been invaded by a host of zombie were-badgers drinking your Coke Zero, do NOT think that lets you off the hook for posting.
p.s. while others of you are taking dibs on the liver, I’ll take a nice haunch of leg.
p.p.s. I wonder what clothing John has filched from this round of house guests. Surely nothing as fetching as the dress… maybe some were-badger pelts?
p.p.p.s. While mine might be hairy.. JS.. yours are more so. But seriously.. no posting because of a mild zombie were-badger invasion? Man up bro.. before the dudebros call you like… I dunno… a gamma rabbit.. oh wait.. you already got the t-shirt! :-)
@Shawn:
Fava beans and Chianti. Or, alternatively, refried black beans and tequila. either/or.
Sorry to go all real, but IMO black beans taste best. Sub black beans into any bean recipe and it will taste better.
I haven’t had real tequila. The diluted stuff at the grocery store tastes like wet dog. (Thank you, my big brother for my knowing that, you much loved bastard).
More precisely, like vodka with two cigarette butts and a maggot floating in.