On the Subject of Who Can’t Win a Hugo Today


For the record, I couldn’t win a Hugo today, either. It’s that whole “I wasn’t nominated this year” thing. It’s probably a conspiracy. I blame the Templars.

By John Scalzi

I enjoy pie.

106 replies on “On the Subject of Who Can’t Win a Hugo Today”

One might as well whine about how Beowulf couldn’t win a Hugo today.

(That was the thought that sprang to my mind the first time I saw this meme, somewhere that needn’t be mentioned, and I’ve been waiting for the opportunity to write it ever since. Thanks, Mr. Scalzi!)

Be very quiet, but I think jabe19 is part of it. I couldn’t win a Hugo today, and just last week, I saw someone in a suspicious looking fez taking notes as I got off a bus. Now jabe is disclaiming knowledge of secret societies. Coincidence? I think not!

Shakespeare could not win a Tony Award today. Johann Sebastian Bach could not win a Eurovision Song Contest today. The Epic of Gilgamesh could not win a Hugo today in “best novel” category. This shall not stand!

Douglas Adams couldn’t win a Hugo today.

Wait, are we only supposed to mention writers who won Hugo Awards in the past? Because Douglas Adams couldn’t win one then either, and I’m PRETTY PISSED ABOUT IT!

And why all the focus on dead authors who couldn’t win a Hugo today? Surely we’re discriminating against the “still among us” in the non-Hugo awards? Dead people get all the love, darn it!

What’s even more tragic is the plight of the unnominated. Consider that Hugo Gernsback was never nominated for a Hugo Award, Arthur Clarke was never nominated for the Clarke Award, and Orion Nebula was never even considered for the Nebula Award….

It’s frankly a terrible statement on the SFF community that this discussion is limited to dead, professional human writers. Somewhere right now there are one million monkeys working their knuckles to the bone 70 hours a week to produce a work of genuine speculative merit, and those monkeys will NEVER so much as sniff a Hugo.

When in doubt, go with the RAND Corporation.

I thought the RAND corporation wrote reports. Surely their role is to create the secret documents guarded by the Templars.

Sebastian Bach could not win a Eurovision Song Contest today.

Is that the rock musician born in 1968 or Johann Sebastian Bach?

I bet Mozart could swing it.

Upton Sinclair could never win a Pulitzer today. Heck, his mega-hit Lanny Budd series went out of print until some Sinclair groupies did a boutique publication.

Note subtle but epic Heinlein connection.

Plan Nine From Outer Space couldn’t win a Hugo Award today, unless it was in the Unintentionally Hilarious Dramatic Performance category, which needs to exist.

China Miéville couldn’t win a Hugo Award today because he didn’t write anything last year that would qualify. Which is unfair, if you ask me. Robert Jordan hasn’t written anything in years and he’s probably going to win a Hugo Award this year, so why not China?

It’s because of his politics, isn’t it?

I could win a Hugo today. Not the same Hugo that Robert Heinlein couldn’t win, but I could write up my own damn ballot, vote for myself (I think I’ve got a solid shot in the Best E-mail About Mom’s Heart Surgery category), and award the winner (myself, I venture to speculate) a trophy of my own design and call it a Hugo. It’s not that hard to win a Hugo, people, and the day is not over!

Well, someone has to say it; John Norman couldn’t win a Hugo today, and he even has a new book out!

Currently Amazon UK is offering ‘Rebels of Gor’ at £131, so I can understand the publisher not wanting to hand out 7000 freebies, but he wasn’t even nominated!

And apparently it’s got a plot and everything so this is a blatant example of prejudice against writers who are 82!

James Tiptree Jr. and Cordwainer Smith couldn’t win Hugos today because of prejudice against spooks!

Mao couldn’t win a Rhysling!

The Prometheus Awards continue to blatantly ignore the work of gold-vending spammers in MMOs!

Steve Stirling can’t win a Hugo because poor-spelling bimetallists are keeping him (and Lee Gold) down!

Julius Vogel. Chemist and metallurgist. Newspaper editor. Politician. Published a science fiction novel WHILE IN PARLIAMENT. LEADER OF A COUNTRY, for the love of God.

But, of course, Jewish. And not able to win a Hugo today.

Not that I wanna imply anything….

If Robert Jordan doesn’t get the hugo then we’ll be able to say that Homer couldn’t get the hugo today. If Jordan wins we still know the long epics are still able to win the hugo.

James James
Morrison Morrison
Weatherby George Dupree
Could not win a Hugo today
But then he is only three.

Apologies to A A Milne, who also could not win a Hugo today, despite his cutting-edge (for the 1920s) stories featuring AI animalatronic companionbots to the Last Boy on Earth.

With all these other people incapable – maybe Jim Theis could win a Hugo today?

Is Orson Wells’s “War of the Worlds” really eligible for a Dramatic Presentation Hugo, when it was actual non-fiction news reporting, not a hoax likeTHEY have always told you?

Victor Appleton 3rd couldn’t win a Hugo today. I think mainly because his writing suffered from a surplus of Tom Swifties.

Oh, or a conspiracy. Yah, that is what I really meant to say.


You know you’re not supposed to say that word.

Apart for that tragic mistake with the goats in the Laundrette, you, me, we together, kid, we could have been a contender!

And now we’re not because you spoke the fateful word:


And it would probably be easier just to lay down and die right here, right now, but I still dare to dream.

Also the goats were female, in case you were wondering…

I strongly doubt that either Edgar Allen Poe or Jules Verne could win a Hugo. And I doubt that Edgar Rice Burroughs would even get nominated!

Today we have Not Winning of Hugos.
Yesterday we had Basic Self Promotion
And tomorrow we will have What to Do After Voting
But today we have Not Winning of Hugos.
Fedoras glisten like sun in all of the neighbouring basements
And today we have Not Winning of Hugos.

This is the Modern Space Opera
And this is the Young Adult Steampunk Trilogy
Containing within it the Spirited Female Protagonist
Which in our case we have not got.
The fans pass neglectfully by the stacks of our own novel, written in the hope of winning a Hugo
Which in our case we have not got.

Excuse me, people, but the D word is considered an offensive slur. If they’re, shall we say, animate, they’re the “differently living.” Yes, the Z word is also a slur.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that an author in possession of a large body of speculative work must be in want of a Hugo. Despite this, Jane Austen would be unlikely to be nominated; or nominating, accept; or accepting, win; were she eligible for such an award today.

I saw a story somewhere on the interwebz that Fletcher Prartt and L. Sprague DeCamp are getting the old band back together. Says Pratt “We drifted too far from our roots, man. it’s time to give our hardcore fans what they’ve been asking for. I’ve had people come up to me in the street and tell me how much the The Roaring Trumpet, in particular, meant to them. One kid told me that it was all that saved him from a life of crime! So Sprague and I managed to work out the things that drove us apart, and we’re working like mad on a new, raw, gutsy piece. All I can say is, prepare to be blown away. Hugo, here we come.”

No one goes with Johann Valentin Andrea. The Chemical Wedding of Christian Rozencreutz DEFINITELY wouldn’t win a Hugo today.

Of course, it’s entirely possible that the Rosicrucians are actually the ones behind it all, in which case all bets are off.

End of post you say

“For the record, I couldn’t win a Hugo today, either. It’s that whole “I wasn’t nominated” thing.

Which is exactly what I thought your post would start out with, after I read the title. I was disappointed at first but pleased you got around to it in the end.

I’m Nohugo! Who are you?
Are you Nohugo, too?
Then there’s a pair of us — don’t tell!
They’d banish us, you know.

How dreary to be Somehugo!
How public, like a frog,
To croak your name the livelong day
In comments on a blog!

I would hope Isaac Aasimov could not win a hugo. I dont like his writing. His ideas are good, but his style annoys me. Nothing happens for most of a chapter, then something happens last page. Nothing happens for most of a book then something happens last chapter.

the rest is just filler.

I dont think scalzi could have won a hugo in the 1940s. No one would get his jokes in redshirts.

The only sane thing for these “Hugonots” to do is to flee the country and settle in more hospitable climes, where they can write whatever politically incorrect SF they wish and nominate each other for awards. They can be sure that one of their own will win.

I expect their history of persecution, flight, and eventual welcome into a new home will be told one day. I favor the working title, “The History of the Upright” but I’m also thinking about “The History of the Uptight.”

Beware St. Bartholomew’s Day, is all I’m saying.

no one but robert jordan can win one this year… so technically heinlein can’t win one ‘today’. WoT is going to win.

If the whole series is presently eligible because none of the component novels were nominated before, it doesn’t strike me as obvious that it will win. I won’t insist that it won’t; cloudy the future is; but I’m not convinced that it will, or that it’s even the way to bet.

Ob whimsey:
Heinlein can’t win one today, because the ceremony is months away.

I, myself, consider it a crime, that “Hugos There”, the first novella by Donna Stewart, in 1983, was never considered for a Hugo, as the name *alone* should have earned a nomination.

And while we’re at it, she deserved a John W. Campbell award too.

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