Author Feuds

Because it amused me earlier today to think on them:

It’s nice to have a schedule.

42 Comments on “Author Feuds”

  1. For those asking if I plan to feud with that particular author again: No. I suspect we’ve said everything we’re going to say to each other publicly. Best to leave it at that.

    Also, just in case it needs to be said: Just because you’ve seen me snipe at another author online does not mean you should feel obliged to do likewise, or feel like you have to choose between me and that other author in terms of reading material. That’s just silly. The other author in question writes perfectly entertaining books, and I suspect many of my readers are also his readers. And that’s good news for us both. Don’t deprive yourself of the enjoyment of one author just because he or she gets into it with another author you also enjoy.

    Likewise, don’t feel like you need to snipe on that particular author (if you know who it is) in the comment thread here. He and I snarked at each other, but we don’t need to pile on after the fact. It’ll just get ugly and stupid, fast. Thanks.

  2. Maybe I should take up writing in order to get a 2018 slot. Can it be a self-published author? If not, is there a specific list of publishing houses that will qualify me?

  3. John, I’d love to feud with you. It could be oh so good. But I just can’t think of anything to argue about. Actually, I take that back, I can think of things to say, but I know you have a library of high yield comebacks which may include the word “Hugo” in them.

    I fear I may end up crying into my beer, or milk, some other beverage.

  4. Now I would like some sort of authorial co-ed roller derby feud with you that can only be settled on the track. Given how fierce and fabulous the women in your life seem to be team Scalzi might stand a chance. Your low center of gravity and fighting calves will come in handy too. See you in 2018?

  5. This concept is perfect for the next recurring feature to add to Whatever, John: @Scalzi Spats.

  6. I suggest fighting it out at the bar at next year’s worldcon. fling invectives at each other with with hugo winners as judges.. looser of each round must drink one shot or beer. last one standing wins. maybe a publisher will pick up the tab for the youtube rights…

  7. As for punctuation rivalries, I’ve been searching for somebody to browbeat over en- versus em-dashes. ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH!?

  8. In my experience, different authors have different qualification criteria for Author Feuds. Some sample criteria include:
    * Publishing in SFWA Qualifying Markets
    * Pledging the “Feud” level in their Patreon or Kickstarter campaign
    * Neglecting to cite their work in a paper dealing with their research area
    * Mentioning that the output of your cat walking across your laptop was accepted by the same Cutting-Edge Non-Traditional publisher they’ve been crowing about being “signed” by
    * Looking at them funny

    I’m sure there are plenty of other criteria that get used. If you’re unsure about what will make you eligible for a feud with your favorite author, you can always reach out to them and ask. Under their right conditions, sometimes just asking will qualify you!

  9. John,

    I understand not feuding with non-authors, but you are missing something huge. You need sponsors for your feuds. Drop in some product placement. “While we agree that Starbucks Refreshers Blueberry Acai is awesome, you’re still wrong about Old Man’s War title being sexist you twit.”

  10. Now I would like some sort of authorial co-ed roller derby feud with you that can only be settled on the track. Given how fierce and fabulous the women in your life seem to be team Scalzi might stand a chance. Your low center of gravity and fighting calves will come in handy too. See you in 2018?

    Please to schedule this co-ed authorial mix-up bout so I can sign up for it RIGHT NOW.

    Team Scalzi would of course wear red jerseys, no?

  11. How big of a cut of my book sales would I have to secretly pay to you to get you to feud with me? Would help drive sales. Similiar to how jim hines is paying larry correia.

  12. :rimshot:
    JS, you may want to retain these as standup material. I laffed.

    And hattip to Guess for the jh/lc jape. (Y)

  13. Make authorial beefs a regular guest feature. Call it “What’s the Big Idea?”

  14. What about authors with readership of <10? Or is this discrimination against the unwashedread masses? I mean, I’ve got feudspeak down pat. NO U.

    Oh, wait, that’s trollspeak. Damn.

  15. Author feuds are ridiculous. My reaction is always the same: “Shaddup, I’m trying to read ovah here!” Good to see you don’t take them seriously.

  16. Damn you Scalzi! I am an up and coming author and I had planned a decent feud or two to raise my profile. I had planned to let you have first refusal on the feuding, and as I am actually English I was even prepared to offer you language and punctuation!

    Why do you Respected old timers have it in for us daring newbs? This is . . . Something Awful! And I’m going to . . .Sulk! That is it Sulk!

    Bah humbug and a pox on all your houses!

  17. Make authorial beefs a regular guest feature. Call it “What’s the Big Idea?”

    I was thinking “The Big Snit”, but that works too. A regular feature in which Scalzi introduces and cruelly mocks another author, who then has 600 words to respond with rude things about Scalzi’s dress sense, ukulele ability, poor dialogue writing and inadequate understanding of double-entry book-keeping.

  18. I am calling BS on the scalzi/correia twitter girl fight. They both have books out this summer. It became obvious when Mary jumped in. They clearly paid her. It’s well known they are in the same World of Warcraft guild. There are recordings that will soon show up on YouTube of them chat in game and making fun of their fans for believing this.

  19. Damn. Clearly, feuding is what all the cool kids are doing now, and I lack the qualifications for author feuds. How about minion feuds? Can I have a feud with either Guess or ajay? I even understand double-entry bookkeeping!

  20. Is this Feud Club thing some secret collaboration between John Scalzi and Chuck Palahniuk?

  21. @Beth: I need to see your sales records before I am willing to spend time having a feud with you. Needs to be economic benefit on my side for the level of effort required.

  22. When someone/author trashes you, and you respond such as this I find it all laughably entertaining. It is sort of like those youtube videos where someone awards a case of beer to the winner of a bum fight. Bravo!

  23. How about airplane gremlins? Are you going to start insisting they make appointments, too?

  24. Dear Liz,

    Oh, brill!!! Five stars to you.

    If you set it up, I can promise that I and DDB will be there to photograph it. And probably Kyle Cassidy, too.

    The Chippawa Valley Roller Girls might just be willing to take on Team Redshirt.

    (For those who have no idea what I’m talking about which is… well… almost all of you, googling “‘roller derby’ Ctein” will enlighten)

    The revolution may or may not be televised, but the roller derby will be photographed, fer shure.

    pax \ Ctein
    [ Please excuse any word-salad. MacSpeech in training! ]
    — Ctein’s Online Gallery 
    — Digital Restorations 

  25. I had a short story published in Aerostat UK, which is the 2nd largest periodical in the world devoted to lighter than air travel (Blimpworld is #1.)

    I’ve had many online feuds. My specialty is a subset of semantics where I impute an alternate meaning to my opponent’s statements to prove hypocrisy and/or lying. I have a talent for inferring racism into most statements, and am experienced in showing how an opponent’s stance is really both a direct extension if not an open endorsement of fascism.

    I realize you’re fully booked, but I’d like to be considered as an alternate in the event of a cancellation.

  26. I think you should challenge Neil Gaiman to a ukelele feud. His wife Amanda will be his champion of course…

  27. Alas I did not get any results for “‘roller derby’ Ctein”! It does remind me that Robert Crais is the unofficial mascot of a derby team. Team Crais vs Scalzi has appeal… Esp as one has a movie based on his book in production and the other has a tv show…

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