Who Is That Masked Man?

Why, it’s me, who along with Naomi Novik, Kevin Avery, Sarah Maclean, Jeffrey Cranor and Kate Leth (who took the photo), wrote humorous erotic fan fiction of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbon’s Watchmen for the Shipwreck show that took place this evening in Brooklyn. And when the, uh, smoke cleared, my erotic fanfiction from the point of view of Dr. Malcolm Long was judged the best (or worst, depending) in show. I was naturally demure in victory, “demure” here being defined as “jumping up and down on the stage, hooting like a howler monkey.” Which is the usual definition of the term, yes?

I won, but I’m here to tell you it was a squeaker, since every single story was ridiculously funny and good, and the fact that each was performed by Cecil Baldwin of Welcome to Night Vale just made them all that much better. It was, seriously, fantastically fun.

And what does erotic fan fiction of Watchmen, written by John Scalzi, read like? Well, I’m not entirely ready to offer it up here yet, in part because I’m waiting to see if there will be audio/video from the event, and Baldwin’s delivery really makes the story. I will offer up three phrases from my piece, however, which should give you an idea: “quivering, manly love gate,” “deliciously fleshy proboscis,” and, of course, “moist, willing, tangy orifice.”

Oh, yeah. It’s one of those stories. Trust me, you’re sorry you weren’t there. Unless you were there, in which case you’re glad you were.

23 thoughts on “Who Is That Masked Man?

  1. I’m not sure if I’m comfortable enough with our relationship for it to progress to that kind of storytelling just yet, John.

    I guess there’s only one way to find out. You’ll let us know if audio or video surfaces, right? I’m sure Cecil was amazing.

  2. will offer up three phrases from my piece, however, which should give you an idea: “quivering, manly love gate,” “deliciously fleshy proboscis,” and, of course, “moist, willing, tangy orifice.”

    Apocalyptic Death Fap of The Sex Squid from Dimension X!

  3. I saw Kate Leth and Mara Wilson tweeting about this whilst checking twitter at the dreary day job. Definitely wished I was taking it all in, sounded like helluva fun.

  4. Now THAT is the author photo we all really want to see, sir.

    Hurt myself laughing. Still trying to ascertain if that was a good or bad thing….

  5. I’m snickering just from the snippets. I can only hope that someone makes video available for those of us unlucky enough not to have been there in realtime.

    Also… the mustache would have made this picture… something.

  6. Please, please tell me you did the thing where you whipped the mask off at the end of the reading, and the audience gasped “Why– it’s John Scalzi!” and then you laughed heartily and swung out of the room on a chandelier?

  7. You should not have shaved your mustache prior to the read. It sounds like the performance cried out — nay, screamed — for some epic mustache-twirling.

    OHHHHH MYYYYYYYY.

  8. Please tell us you used the phrase “turgid manhood” My grandmother used to refer to her romance novels as such.

  9. “Tumescent” is a word fondly remembered by any fans of “10 Things I Hate About You” ;). (Age-tagging myself here…)

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