64 Comments on “Worst Date In 5 Words”

1. How about “You look JUST like Mommy!”

2. I was reading these to my wife as you tweeted them. She likes to act as if she doesn’t like your writing (because she’s tired of hearing me talk about you all the time) but she was laughing out loud at these.

3. Evening gown at a diner.

4. “Hold these drugs for me” #worstdatein5words

5. “Love requires sacrifice. Human sacrifice.” #worstdatein5words

6. I LOVE cemeteries by moonlight!

7. “Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor”

8. Ya know, a (unofficial) LEGO strip club set is a thing that exists.

9. Oops, and here’s a link to said set:
   http://citizenbrick.myshopify.com/products/the-citizen-brick-center-for-the-performing-arts

10. Let’s watch Star Trek Five!

11. Please. Everyone knows you save the LEGO dungeon for the second date.

12. I assume we are talking first-date material here? “I already ordered for you.”

13. The first comment jests, but I have actually had someone tell me: “You’re so pretty, you look just like my granddaughter.”

14. This reminds me of one of my yoga instructors. She says she is a first date kind of girl… cause she doesn’t get second dates. All she does is talk about how hard up she is. Totally interferes with my Zen.

15. Quoting the instructor “I haven’t bathed in 3 days” and the oh so sexy “I have issues with my bowels”.

16. @Em: Could be worse. “you are so pretty,you look just like my mom.”

17. “That’s a tight Starfleet uniform!”

18. That Medjool tasted like sawdust.

19. The Aussie blind date variant:

    “Hi, my name’s Tony Abbott”

    (For the last two words, substitute in the name of any other Australian cabinet minister, depending on taste).

20. “That’s why we shoot zombies!”
    “Am I missing an eybrow?” **
    “Oops… the lion is loose.”
    “Tofu underwear? In this weather?!?”

    **All props to Adam Savage.

21. “Mr. Scalzi? You’ve been served.”

22. Wanna see my card?

23. Oops, forgot to preview. Should have been Wanna see my -Political Party Membership- card?

24. “It costs way more than that.”

25. Argh, I counted and everything … just counted wrong. “It costs way more, dude.”

26. I don’t know why, but when I think worst date, I think Hannibal Lector: “I love Chianti with Liver!” #worstdatein5words

27. Honesty compels me – it’s the repetitive nature of this one; “I don’t know, you pick”

28. “I’ve found a new guru.”

    (yes, really happened to me)

29. I bought a new gun*

    *not necessarily to shoot the new guru – but it would be a perfect date-ending answer to that new guru line…

30. “Taco Bell? Whoa, too ETHNIC.”

    Taco Bell *IS* too ethnic, but the ethnicity is not Mexican.  
    In fact, the date most likely to utter these five words would *BE* Mexican[o|a].

31. You use a cane? Oh.
    Don’t you have any makeup?

32. Actually, I wouldn’t mind going out with Elizabeth Bathory Patronus Woman …

33. And, BTW, John, you’ve seen Harlan’s account of his experience on The Dating Game, right?

34. Anne? I quoted the makeup one to Mom and she said “that’s what shins are for.”

35. “Hold my drink. Watch this!”

36. Yes, that’s my arrest photo

37. Googled you. Date is over.

38. So ughy. Reread “that’s what shins are for” while thinking “foot fetish.”

39. This was your best Whatever…. EVER. “i can smell your pancreas” made me laugh out loud, as did several of the comments.

40. You don’t like rat restaurants?

41. I am happy to inform you that Charlie Stross, or Twitter, or a vengeful Old-Testament God appears to have deleted his #WorstDateIn5Words tweet about penile degloving accidents.

42. Nile: O_o

43. I’m writing a book about Lego dungeons. It’s called ‘Fifty Shades Of Plastic’.

44. “You don’t need the bread.”

45. I think “first date with a human” would make an interesting sci-fi story prompt. Maybe not a /good/ one …

46. Reblogged this on My Body, My Story and commented:
    Lols.

47. “It’s harmless in small doses”
    “I’m not allowed in there”
    “Duck, it’s my parole officer”

48. “Hide this in your purse”
    “Do you know a lawyer?”

49. Other folks have just *one”??

50. “Scientology has changed my life!”

51. “Why don’t you like me?”

    (That he was working up to date rape was painfully obvious. I got the hell out of Dodge.)

52. Reblogged this on Eye Have A Lot of Feelings and commented:
    I’ve been uber uber uber behind in makeup lately so let’s abruptly switch tracks. Here’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day, enjoy :)

53. It wasn’t in a date situation, but I have heard the “Taco Bell too ethnic” line.
    I was in the Midwest at the time. Me and my friend from California burst out in hysterical laughter, which got us a dirty look from the speaker, but damn. There was no way we could have kept from laughing.

54. “I think torture is justified.”
    “I voted for Mitt Romney.”

    And in the category of things *I* can say to end a date:

    *I’m missing half my tongue.”
    “I’m 55. Is that OK?”

55. Xopher, the last one wouldn’t bother me. Sadly, I know I am not the sort of human you are interested in. The second-to-last, I’d probably say “Ooh, can I see?”

    Oh well. Someday we will sit in the Home for Old Fans and drink “medicinal” cocktails and ogle the gardeners and pool boys together.

56. Help me remember, for later.

57. “I’m not a racist but…”
    Based on a true story, alas.

58. “That was my mother’s name!” (from a Rupert Holmes song on the album Widescreen, about a pick-up date
    )

59. Your mother’s baby is mine.

60. Do you have any tinfoil?

61. “That waitress. You. Me… Threeway?”
    “My voices are quiet tonight.”
    “You’re not a feminazi, right?”
    “You look adequate for tonight.”
    “Mother said home by 9”
    “NO THAT SMELL’S NOT ME!!!”
    “Twenty years inside changed me.”
    “What year is it? Seriously!”
    “Wanna see my pet leech?”

62. “You humans are so quaint”

63. “I am the walrus, kookookachoo!”

    Lurkertype, you are a joy and a blessing. And I look forward to ogling men together. (And the tongue is damned ugly, so think carefully about whether you want to see it.)

64. “My friends in Gamergate say…”