Worst Date In 5 Words

It was a Twitter hashtag. I was bored. SUE ME.

 

64 Comments on “Worst Date In 5 Words”

  1. I was reading these to my wife as you tweeted them. She likes to act as if she doesn’t like your writing (because she’s tired of hearing me talk about you all the time) but she was laughing out loud at these.

  2. angelalacey67 – I am someone who still has a lot to learn about life, and people, but is not afraid to learn it, who keeps their heart open to love all who deserve love, but only if they do, and lastly, one who keeps their mind open to see the other side of as many issues as are presented to me, but who is opinionated and stubborn. (I know, it's an odd combination, and admittedly, I am a rambler. It is no easy cross I bear.) ;) Cheers, and welcome to my blog.
    angelalacey67

    Evening gown at a diner.

  3. The first comment jests, but I have actually had someone tell me: “You’re so pretty, you look just like my granddaughter.”

  4. This reminds me of one of my yoga instructors. She says she is a first date kind of girl… cause she doesn’t get second dates. All she does is talk about how hard up she is. Totally interferes with my Zen.

  5. megpie71 – Australian, female, fat, born in 1971. Been hanging around the internet (first Usenet, now blogs) since about 1997. Far too cynical for my own good.
    Megpie71

    The Aussie blind date variant:

    “Hi, my name’s Tony Abbott”

    (For the last two words, substitute in the name of any other Australian cabinet minister, depending on taste).

  6. “That’s why we shoot zombies!”
    “Am I missing an eybrow?” **
    “Oops… the lion is loose.”
    “Tofu underwear? In this weather?!?”

    **All props to Adam Savage.

  7. I don’t know why, but when I think worst date, I think Hannibal Lector: “I love Chianti with Liver!” #worstdatein5words

  8. I bought a new gun*

    *not necessarily to shoot the new guru – but it would be a perfect date-ending answer to that new guru line…

  9. Shawn – Ohio, USA – Early to bed, early or whirlybird or something. Bored now, bye. Don't step on any Lego's 'cause it _Hurts_!
    Shawn

    Anne? I quoted the makeup one to Mom and she said “that’s what shins are for.”

  10. Shawn – Ohio, USA – Early to bed, early or whirlybird or something. Bored now, bye. Don't step on any Lego's 'cause it _Hurts_!
    Shawn

    So ughy. Reread “that’s what shins are for” while thinking “foot fetish.”

  11. This was your best Whatever…. EVER. “i can smell your pancreas” made me laugh out loud, as did several of the comments.

  12. I am happy to inform you that Charlie Stross, or Twitter, or a vengeful Old-Testament God appears to have deleted his #WorstDateIn5Words tweet about penile degloving accidents.

  13. Ross Hershberger – Approximately Detroit – I've been an electronics tech since trade school in the 1970s. I've worked as a mainframe programmer, tooling machinist, restorer of vintage tube amps, custodial equipment technician and several other unlikely jobs. Since 2012 I've worked as a YAG Laser Field Service Engineer for the North American division of TRUMPF GmbH.
    Ross Hershberger

    “It’s harmless in small doses”
    “I’m not allowed in there”
    “Duck, it’s my parole officer”

  14. Ross Hershberger – Approximately Detroit – I've been an electronics tech since trade school in the 1970s. I've worked as a mainframe programmer, tooling machinist, restorer of vintage tube amps, custodial equipment technician and several other unlikely jobs. Since 2012 I've worked as a YAG Laser Field Service Engineer for the North American division of TRUMPF GmbH.
    Ross Hershberger

    “Hide this in your purse”
    “Do you know a lawyer?”

  15. “Why don’t you like me?”

    (That he was working up to date rape was painfully obvious. I got the hell out of Dodge.)

  16. Reblogged this on Eye Have A Lot of Feelings and commented:
    I’ve been uber uber uber behind in makeup lately so let’s abruptly switch tracks. Here’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day, enjoy :)

  17. It wasn’t in a date situation, but I have heard the “Taco Bell too ethnic” line.
    I was in the Midwest at the time. Me and my friend from California burst out in hysterical laughter, which got us a dirty look from the speaker, but damn. There was no way we could have kept from laughing.

  18. “I think torture is justified.”
    “I voted for Mitt Romney.”

    And in the category of things *I* can say to end a date:

    *I’m missing half my tongue.”
    “I’m 55. Is that OK?”

  19. Xopher, the last one wouldn’t bother me. Sadly, I know I am not the sort of human you are interested in. The second-to-last, I’d probably say “Ooh, can I see?”

    Oh well. Someday we will sit in the Home for Old Fans and drink “medicinal” cocktails and ogle the gardeners and pool boys together.

  20. “That waitress. You. Me… Threeway?”
    “My voices are quiet tonight.”
    “You’re not a feminazi, right?”
    “You look adequate for tonight.”
    “Mother said home by 9”
    “NO THAT SMELL’S NOT ME!!!”
    “Twenty years inside changed me.”
    “What year is it? Seriously!”
    “Wanna see my pet leech?”

  21. “I am the walrus, kookookachoo!”

    Lurkertype, you are a joy and a blessing. And I look forward to ogling men together. (And the tongue is damned ugly, so think carefully about whether you want to see it.)

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