Posted on April 19, 2015
Posted by John Scalzi
I’m going to use this picture now for so many things.
Photo by Athena Scalzi.
Make a good “author’s photo,” although it might scary away a certain percentage of readers.
Away wit’ yer laptopper computational machines and yer celluphones! Whippersnappers.
Are you ready to enlist yet, you crotchety old crab????
Don’t forget to post it to your MySpace account.
The point of course being that our gracious host has so much lawn that in order to get off it in less than the time it would take him to go into the house and swap the cane for a crossbow, you’d need to be Usain Bolt.
I was about to say, wouldn’t this be more apropos to have you on a riding mower or an all-terrain Segway? By the time you run across the lawn to get withing visual cane-shaking range of those damn kids*, you’ll be out of breath and your knees will be complaining.
*Since they’ll be listening to that noise they call ‘music’ on their eye-pods, it’s not like they can hear you shouting
My husband would like permission to reuse the image. (Seriously.) Apparently you and he are soulmates.
Back in my day we had to hand letter all our macros. Uphill. In MS Paint.
Actually, I have recently been ordered to have a cane with me at all times. This has fouled up my accessorisation bigtime; I long for the days when all I had to do was get the handbags and the shoes to work. Now I have to grapple with yet another dimension, and it’s a struggle.
By the way, I really like the cane !
Malexan26: By all means, he’s free to use it!
Very nice cane. Much better than mine.
I think you now have both the cover and title of the inevitable memoir of the Great Hugo Debacle of 2015.
That’s one hell of a nice looking lawn. I’d tell ’em ot get off it, too.
Nice-looking cane, sir. You’ll unquestionably scare off all the neighborhood whippersnappers with that. For full effect, of course, you need to be in a rocking chair on your porch, but the sight of a hobbling old codger shaking that handsome walking stick across the lawn ought to run off most of the young’uns.
Just one observation would be that if you are going to be using it for any length of time, you may wish to get a second cane that is more cushioned and form-fitting to your hand for everyday use. I wound up with numb fingers after months of using a cane that was formed in such a way that most of the load was focused in a narrow band across my palm, as I figured out too late that I had spent all that time resting my weight on a nerve nexus in my hand. Numbness wore off eventually, but you may be able to avoid it altogether if you get a more ergonomically formed and cushioned cane.
Best wishes for speedy healing in any case, and I hope you don’t have any recurrences or lingering effects. And have fun chasing those kids offa your lawn.
Nice lawn, man! What do you use to get it so green?
I await a little Charlie Chaplin, some Gene Kelly, even, I think, Marlene Dietrich. Canes are cool.
Is this the cover for the next edition of Old Man’s War?
Later on it might do good service with the caption, “You shall not pass!!!”
Does this supplement or replace the Mallet??
This made my weekend. Thank you!
Extra points if it’s a sword cane.
The lopsided MAN?
So Lawn. Much Cane. Many crotchet.
SCREW YOU OLD MAAAAAAAAAAAN!
(Sorry, kneejerk response as a bratty lil’ stinker and I haven’t grown out of it yet)
And a fine lawn it is.
Agreed – I hope this is the Fast-Acting Mallet, to be mostly used on GamerGating DudeBros!
So green…and mowed…and vast…Sorry, you were saying something about your cane?
Once upon a time we had grass in central Texas…old-timers still tell tall tales of water just falling right out of the sky!
Since you’re an Old Man(TM) now, is this a good time to ask for your Warren Ellis double neck axe when you…ahem…join the CDF?
Where abouts did you find such a fine cane? I have been contemplating getting a cane for walking purposes and it would be grand if it could look nice as well as be practicably useable.
Now that you have a staff, you can have staff meetings.
As you’ve often pointed out, it’s an awfully big and a well tended lawn. I don’t know why you’re begrudging me the use of a bit of it for a while.
Yes, I think that photo was as inevitable as radioactive decay, delayed only by the half life of travel time between acquisition of the cane and the return to the lawn.
So now do we have to call you “John McCane”?
True story: a couple of decades ago I bought my older sister a can for her 40th birthday. We are talking hand crafted/stained natural wood. The handle looked like a duck’s head even. Wrapped it in ribbon after my mother told me that would be the final touch… then helped by picking out the right color ribbon and helping wrap it around the cane. Sigh.. I miss her and her sarcastic ways.
As a gift, it went over very well, and maintained a place of honor by the door. I now have my own walking stick and I some day hope to be out on the lawn shaking it at the young whipper-snappers on my lawn, with much the same poise you have in the picture.
Canes are like umbrellas or bags, it is soooo tempting to get this one, and this one, and ooh this one looks so good too. (My fanciest one has kitty faces all over it.)
Echoing Colonel Snuggledorf here: if you are going to be using one for a while, get one with a padded grip and adjustable height. You don’t need to hurt your arm while helping your leg!
My friend did something wrong to his foot yesterday. I made him the mistake of showing him this. I think I know what he’ll be getting into tomorrow…
The important question is: Have you found a good dress to go with the cane? and when you have this site would appreciate a picture! http://www.thisdoesntmeanyes.com/campaign
When I read the title, I expected that you’d be posing with it like a lightsaber. Caught me out.
So what gadgets does your stick contain? A pen for impromptu writing? A sword? Sword *and* pen? Two swords (handy for dueling)? Airgun firing poisoned pellets? Flamethrower? Cellular antenna for better internet access on the move? Folding seat? Puppy repellent gas spray? Some flasks of your favourite restorative? Emergency kit for alien kidnapping?
Enquiring minds want to know…
Looks like a great place to ride bikes!
This is looks more like some amazingly powerful wizard’s staff than an old man’s walking cane, which changes the way I see the picture completely. Either way though, I would certainly stay the heck off your lawn!
You really missed an opportunity here. A cane shaped like the Mallet would be the coolest thing ever.
( a croquet mallet with the hammer bit being the handle – maybe stamped ‘property of The Overlook Hotel)
Cane touch this???
So many jokes, so little time…
A can with a heavy knob reminds me that one of my favorite English words is “smote”.
Feel better man. Look on the bright side: at least you are in the new Star Wars Trailer
Ah!! A ‘walking schtick,’ also known as a ‘fightsaber’
The question is, why do you now have a cane? Are you lame?
I tore a calf muscle when I was in Australia. So yes, in fact, I am lame at the moment.
If you can find eleven more cane-wielding sci-fi writers, you’ll have the basis for a calendar.
Nice photo! Your neck tendons are very impressive! (I hope you didn’t hold that pose too long; I imagine your jaw muscles would get sore.)
It’s a pleasure to have you back, sir. The continent wasn’t the same without you.
That’s quite the pear shaped body you have
Thank you, I worked to achieve it!
(eats another marshmallow)
I am impressed that Athena was able to not laugh long enough to take the photo.
Gulliver: I’ve heard those stories about water falling from the sky. I don’t believe ’em either. Why, a few months ago, people tried to tell me that water not only fell from the sky, it was frozen when it did. Pshaw.
No. no surprise…
Because of a knee injury I have been on and off the cane gang for several months. I think the cane gang should patrol John’s enormous lawn for encroaching whippersnappers.
Surely that could double as a wizard’s staff, given that it has a knob on the end.
Living in Southern California, I can’t even focus on the foreground or caption.
I just gaze upon that lawn with a mixture of envy and horror. Mine is barely alive – patchy and brown – due to my extreme efforts to conserve water.
Taunting the tauntable since 1998
John Scalzi, proprietor – JS
Athena Scalzi, contributor – AMS
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