In Which The Doubleclicks Tell You What an Awful Person I Am — In Song!
Posted on November 18, 2015 Posted by John Scalzi 54 Comments
As you may recall, a couple of months ago I did a fundraiser for Con or Bust, in which you lovely folks raised over $10k to help science fiction and fantasy fans of color go to conventions and conferences in exchange for me recording audio for a satirical eBook that talked about terrible I was, and also me commissioning a song with that same topic.
Well, the audio has been up for some time, and now the final promise I made is fulfilled. I asked my friends The Doubleclicks to write a song about my awfulness, and they were suspiciously willing to fulfill my request. Here is that song. All of it is true.
Let me also remind you, or possibly make you newly aware, that The Doubleclicks have a brand new album out called President Snakes, which you can purchase right this very second (hint, hint) by way of Bandcamp, iTunes, Amazon and CDBaby. Also, they’re touring the west coast of the US in December. You should go see them and request this song and hold up lighters and/or cell phones when they sing it, because that would be awesome.
Tell me it’s not true about “Bohemian Rhapsody”! Philistine!
Hmmmm…not working here.
“Just made of bugs (just made of bugs!)”
This cheered me up so much.
This is the best thing I’ve ever heard in my life ever.
Makes me want to back and re-read ‘Your Hate Mail…’
John, can you and your bugs please, please influence these ladies to come to Ohio (anywhere in Ohio, but preferably Cleveland!) on their next tour?? I couldn’t make it to Pittsburgh and that’s the closest they’ve been to our fair state. Ohio awaits you, Doubleclicks!
Oh, and Jif is peanut butter, which I understand is bad for computers. ;-)
I am shocked, SHOCKED that you’ve never seen Star Wars. Everything else is fine!
This will not play for me in Firefox, Chrome nor Safari. :-(
I don’t know about the bugs, but I think he has tiny mice in his ears and that’s why the kittens spend so much time hanging out on his shoulders.
@SB: Nor Opera.
That made me laugh and smile. I needed to laugh and smile today. Many many thanks to awful you and the wonderful Doubleclicks :-)
I’VE BEEN SAYING YOU ARE JUST MADE OF BUGS FOR YEARS. FINALLY, SWEET VINDICATION.
Well, this is all good to know, should I ever get the chance to meet you. I will warn you, however, that should you attempt to steal my fries, I will make you bleed.
Thanks to the Doubleclicks for some morning chuckles!
Love the Doubleclicks. They did an awesome job!
Well, we are pretty much all made of bugs (http://www.cbsnews.com/news/study-even-healthy-humans-can-host-10000-microbe-species/) but not knowing Bohemian Rhapsody (purposefully, one assumes) is clearly grounds for unadulterated hatred…
Yay for the Doubleclicks, who are indeed awesome.
Oh dear. You really are a terrible person. No wonder absolutely no one buys your books.
Also, bugs? Isn’t it supposed to be bees?
Diet Coke, not Coke Zero? I cannot continue with this totally inaccurate song!
How dare they accuse you of drinking Diet Coke and not Coke Zero! (says the fellow Coke Zero addict) (Great song!)
I see that you are also a right-thinking person who pronounces it “jif”.
“…the only people in the universe who have never seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars…” +1 John Scalzi. (facepalm)
Sadly, I’m also unable to listen on any browser I have installed (safari/chrome/firefox); the “play” box appears, but appears to think it’s a zero-second recording, and hitting play/pause just toggles between play and pause, with no further effect.
(I was able to get a direct link out of “view source”, and that’s working for me: https://scalzi.files.wordpress.com/2015/11/doubleclicksscalzisong.mp3 )
I knew you weren’t very popular, and that nobody reads your books, but I never realized what a terrible, horrible person you are. I mean really, Nickelback?! As if Journey wasn’t bad enough!
thanks to Jonathan Adams for the working link:
Thanks, Jonathan, now there’s a worm in my ear!
@Jonathan Adams: Thanks for the link.
Maybe it’s an El Capitan (10.11.x) problem.
(“Coke Zero” scans differently than “Diet Coke.” Also, Scalzi can have my fries.)
What’s so bad about stealing fries? I thought that was the universal default! Now, stealing fries while singing Nickelback and slurping soda loudly is a capital offense around these parts.
He laughs at all the sad farts. OK, I listened to it 3 times and I know by context it’s parts but damn, I keep hearing farts (and what I really want to know is how do you tell them apart? The happy vs. sad farts)?
Thanks for the laugh!
Wow…The Doubleclicks make you sound like my new best friend! Next time I’m in Ohio, I’ll give you a call. We can go out and tell kids there’s no Santa Claus, and then juggle cats!! Good times, John, GOOD TIMES!!!
“Just made of bugs. Probably just made of bugs.” [sniffs back tears] So true, so true …
That’s a bit of genius right there.
Having watched the result of them deigning to allow you to accompany them at Powell’s Beaverton-Cedar Hills, I can fully understand they were “suspiciously willing” to fill your request. 8-)
~ the guy in the red shirt under the sporadically working loudspeaker on your right.
:-) I’m going to see the Doubleclicks again at GaymerX next month.
I thought you drank Coke Zero?
I HAVE BEEN MISINFORMED!!!!
The amount of anti-Scalzi things I have on my computer is getting misleading. I wonder, if I start listening to all this ironically, will I eventually believe it?
I knew it!
Probably just made of bugs … [nods sagely in agreement]
I think it would be worse if you had only seen the prequels and skipped the original Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back.
They should have mentioned how much you hate bacon… that would have made the song TRULY complete!
MVS, you can tell the sad farts because they’re the ones Scalzi laughs at. Duh.
I knew Scalzi was terrible and unpopular, but i never realized how terrible and unpopular until today. Really – Nickelback?
Robert Reynolds says: Now, stealing fries while singing Nickelback and slurping soda loudly is a capital offense around these parts.
Although if forced to choose, slurping soda is probably a preferable noise to Nickelback covers.
So…what kind of bugs?
Kyle Wilson says: So…what kind of bugs?
Diet Coke? Seems wrong somehow.
But the made of bugs part. That rang true.
What kind of bugs? Alien bugs, of course! Wearin’ a Scalzi suit…
But . . . some of my best friends are made of bugs!
Most people have features and bugs; Scalzi just bugs.
Okay, I’m convinced.
Why does an ebook you write about how terrible you are have to be satirical? Why could it not be honest. Oh, because the money goes to a good cause, and money makes everything good. Especially when you are rubbing the head of nappy headed folk. What a good white, very good, very white liberal.
Lyrics? Would love lyrics.
Ok, folks who are alarmed about the DC referring to JS as being made of bugs (as opposed to hyperintelligent BEES) and drinking Diet Coke (as opposed to Coke Zero): congratulations, you got the joke!
In addition to being completely silly, I expect the song was meant to tweak us loyal legion of Scalzi Stormtroopers with incorrect references like that because, well, that’s the sort of sense of humor that the DoubleClicks have. I’d give a 99.5% likelihood that those are wrong precisely on purpose to be goofy. (This is the band who used the word “toxoplasmosis” in both a rhyming and technically correct way in one of their songs.)
And yes, the song is great, not least because of the extra silliness.