STAR WARS EPISODE 3.14159: THE AWKWARD HOLIDAY GET-TOGETHER
Posted on December 1, 2015 Posted by John Scalzi 31 Comments
In which two science fiction authors turn the greatest science fictional saga of all time into… another dysfunctional holiday family dinner.
(Because it’s long, and there are other things I am promoting today, I’m putting it on the other side of a cut. If you’re coming through from the front page of Whatever, click through, it’s worth it.)
I generally write even when I'm sick but it's raining and I have pneumonia and fuck all that. *drinks tea* *eats honey* *tweets*
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 1, 2015
So, this is a good public announcement that if you need something from me over the next couple of days, you are likely to be kept waiting.
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 1, 2015
@ChuckWendig I NEED YOU TO GET WELL YOU BETTER NOT KEEP ME WAITING
— John Scalzi (@scalzi) December 1, 2015
@scalzi YOU ARE NOT MY DAD wait are you my dad?
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 1, 2015
@ChuckWendig CHERK I AM YOUR FATHER SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE
— John Scalzi (@scalzi) December 1, 2015
@scalzi *searches feelings*
*discovers you're really just an uncle*
*and kind of a weird uncle*
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 1, 2015
@ChuckWendig CHERK I AM YOUR UNCLE LET ME RANT AT YOU FOR HOURS ABOUT THE GOLD STANDARD DURING THE HOLIDAY GATHERINGS
— John Scalzi (@scalzi) December 1, 2015
@scalzi WHY DID YOU CHOP OFF MY HAND THOUGH
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 1, 2015
@ChuckWendig LOOK YOU CAME BETWEEN ME AND THE TURKEY YOU SHOULD HAVE WAITED TO GRAB FOR THE DRUMSTICK I CAN'T BE BLAMED FOR THAT
— John Scalzi (@scalzi) December 1, 2015
@scalzi THEN YOU KICKED ME OFF MY CHAIR AND SAID WE COULD KILL THE MAYOR AND RULE THE NEIGHBORHOOD AS UNCLE AND NEPHEW WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 1, 2015
@ChuckWendig I'M NOT WRONG THOUGH AM I THE MAYOR INSTITUTED OPPOSITE-SIDE PARKING ON ALTERNATE THURSDAYS HE HAS TO GO
— John Scalzi (@scalzi) December 1, 2015
@scalzi FINE JEEZ CALM DOWN AND STOP WAVING THAT OLD CAVALRY SABER AROUND I WILL JOIN YOUR SO-CALLED "DARK SIDE"
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 1, 2015
@ChuckWendig EXCELLENT NOW PICK UP YOUR SEVERED HAND AND COME WITH ME TO THE GARAGE I THINK WE HAVE SOME DUCT TAPE THAT'LL FIX IT RIGHT UP
— John Scalzi (@scalzi) December 1, 2015
@scalzi THE DOG, CHEWBACCA, ATE IT. WE NEED SOME KINDA ROBOT HAND INSTEAD
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 1, 2015
@ChuckWendig THEN BRING THAT SPATULA AND A COUPLE OF FORKS AND THAT CAN OF WD-40
— John Scalzi (@scalzi) December 1, 2015
@scalzi I CANNOT CARRY ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HELLO ONE HAND
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 1, 2015
@ChuckWendig WELL FINE WE'LL GO GET A BUCKET FROM TOSHI-MART
— John Scalzi (@scalzi) December 1, 2015
@scalzi FINE I WILL TAKE THIS ROOMBA DROID WITH ME TO KEEP ME COMPANY
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 1, 2015
@ChuckWendig THAT'S NOT THE DROID YOU'RE LOOKING FOR it's the other one with the extra vacuuming power we keep upstairs
— John Scalzi (@scalzi) December 1, 2015
@scalzi THAT ONE NEEDS ANOTHER POWER CONVERTER you keep burning them out on your… nocturnal activities
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 1, 2015
@ChuckWendig DAMN IT THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET NOW I GUESS I'LL JUST TELL EVERYONE WHAT I SAW YOU DOING WITH THAT SAARLAC PIT
— John Scalzi (@scalzi) December 1, 2015
@scalzi THE SARLACC AND I ARE IN LOVE
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 1, 2015
@ChuckWendig THIS EXPLAINS WHY I SAW THE RANCOR WEEPING SILENTLY OUTSIDE. CHERK YOU BASTARD YOU CAN'T JUST BREAK HEARTS LIKE THAT
— John Scalzi (@scalzi) December 1, 2015
@scalzi THE RANCOR IS A TOTAL CREEPER
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 1, 2015
@ChuckWendig (Flourishes piece of paper)
THEN WHY DID YOU WRITE IT LOVE POETRY CHUCK LOOK HERE A WHOLE SESTINA ON HOW IT IS LIKE A FLOWER— John Scalzi (@scalzi) December 1, 2015
@scalzi WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LOOKING THROUGH MY STUFF you know what I'm outta here gonna go hang out at the cantina
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 1, 2015
@ChuckWendig FINE JUST GO THEN but, uh, bring back a quart of blue milk, please. I love that stuff.
— John Scalzi (@scalzi) December 1, 2015
@scalzi That was just Irish cream we put food coloring in so you'd pass out and we could take your speeder into town but sure yeah.
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 1, 2015
@ChuckWendig I CAN PASS OUT ON MY OWN THAN YOU VERY MUCH
(passes out)
OH YEAH GAS UP THE SPEEDER BEFORE YOU COME BACK
(passes out again)
— John Scalzi (@scalzi) December 1, 2015
@scalzi and so concludes STAR WORS EPISODE FOURS
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) December 1, 2015
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http://www.starwarsholidayspecial.com/
We found out what you do when the kittens are asleep. :)
Oh my gods I’m weeping at my desk laughing so hard.
Best thing I’ve read all morning :D
My memory has faded over the years (Mercifully!), but I’m pretty sure this was a lot better than the official Star Wars holiday special.
Remember this?
If you saw the 1997 original, call yourself old school (though not oldest school, even so).
May the Farce be with you. (My sides hurt)
You two made me snort beer out of my nose. Waste of beer, but a great laugh.
It occurs to me that we’re witnessing the emergence of an entirely new form of improv humor: “sit-down humor?” “Keyboard Komedians?” Imagine if George and Gracie or Bud and Lou had never met F2F but had Twitter.
Y’all two guys are warped. I love it.
This is the fabled Scalzi and Wendig, Wendig and Scalzi, Pi(e) Episode mentioned in the Journal of the Whills. ;)
Even as a kid, I knew that holiday special was uneven as anything, but I still liked it. I might even like it more than Episodes I to III.
This is exactly what the internet was invented for.
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!! (Being one who saw the first SW film when it first came out ….)
As someone with one hand, I am always glad to see a little dismemberment. I need the consulting work – in this case, half-off, a five-finger discount, a steal as it were…. C’mon, folks, imagine the joy if you just gave a hand,,,,
(I can easily see Scalzi as the weird uncle that rants about the gold standard and related topics. That is why his stuff is so good (except maybe, Redshirts).)
Sooz: I saw 2001 when it first came out. Skype is the new vidphone, but where the hell have Pan Am and HoJo’s gone?
>*and kind of a weird uncle*
I always thought of him more as *a kind, weird uncle”, but your (speeder) mileage may vary.
I’m going to display my internet ignorance and ask for a link because I can’t find one.
Best thing I’ve read all morning
Susan: I couldn’t see it either on Firefox. Loaded the page in IE and the comedy appeared.
better than any and all 3 of the prequels
Major improvement over anything else I have read about Star Wars Holidays, make sure they make this canon.
Didn’t show up in Chrome, either. Whahhhh?????
But showed up perfectly on Chrome on my android phone. Whahhhh???
OTOH, it is hysterically funny. Love the bit about the WD-40.
Cool, now I don’t have to go see The Force Awakens!
Still a better holiday story than The Star Wars Holiday Special.
(Of which my wife and I own two copies, so you know we know what we’re talking about.)
It’s like a poem.
One of those poems.
Dang, it’s over. And I was hoping somebody would squeeze in something about Itchy and his holographic… uh… assistant.
(If there’s somebody here who doesn’t get the reference, trust me, you don’t want to know. No, really, you don’t.)
Shouldn’t you be working on one of those 13 novels you promised Tor. The Indentured Servitude Contract you signed may have the typical provision for public flogging if you slack off too much.
@all thanks for the tech tips. Wonderful stuff, John. Has Lucas been by with a check and a contract (or, more likely, a lawyer and cease-and-desist order) yet?
What am I doing wrong? I clicked on ‘Read’ to see the story, but it only took me to comments.
Amazing. In just two hours two talented authors, one sick and the other suffering from pneumonia, came up with the most entertaining episode yet!
You missed a grand opportunity to segue from Star Wars into Evil Dead with the severed hand.