A Personal Top 10 of Things That Are Not Titles to Christmas Songs and/or Lifetime Holiday Movies and Honestly I Don’t Understand Why

10. A Colonoscopy For Christmas

9. If Reindeer Can Fly Then How Did Daddy Hit One With His Truck

8. Christmas on Reddit

7. I’ve Got the “My Family Has Left Me and All I’ve Got to Get Me Through the Holidays is Coors Light and a DVD of Die Hard Set to Repeat” Blues Again, Mama

6. Jingle! Jangle! Gerbils!

5. What Do You Mean I Missed Hanukkah Again, There Are Eight Goddamn Nights of It

4. A Child’s Christmas on XBox

3. Officer I Didn’t Mean to Kick His Teeth In, But He Said “Happy Holidays” Instead of “Merry Christmas”

2. Mama, Why Does Santa Need My Kidney?

1. Mansplaining Christmas to Mary

44 Comments on “A Personal Top 10 of Things That Are Not Titles to Christmas Songs and/or Lifetime Holiday Movies and Honestly I Don’t Understand Why”

  1. The last one sounds like a title the writers decided not to go with for “Mary, Did You Know?”

    I wonder how many of the others could be plausibly assigned as alternate titles to existing works.

  2. To the best of my knowledge I have never heard that song nor do I ever want to based on the title alone. I’m all, like, “I’m pretty sure she knows, dude.”

  3. #11 I know I killed him, and that’s bad, but he kept playing “The Christmas Shoes” and “Wonderful Christmastime” on repeat all day. What was I supposed to do?

  4. The song as it exists is more a pondering ‘what did she know and when did she know it, oh gosh, I couldn’t handle knowing he was going to die while raising him, oh gosh.’

    (but then I kind of like the dude who wrote it because he is a giant goofball)

  5. for the record, Christmas on Reddit has the potential to be pretty damn awesome if you get the right Secret Santa.

  6. If #9 becomes a movie, I am so there. Just as long as it doesn’t star Jim Carrey or Adam Sandler.

  7. Hahaha, yeah, “Mary Did You Know” is pretty absurd. If you’re Christian, then it’s the literal gospel truth that she knew before he was born. Pentatonix has it TWICE in their Yule Log Playlist >_<

  8. #7 is a little different at my house. We decorate the tree and bake cookies while Die Hard 1 and 2 play in the background. Why? “Because it’s Christmas” he says in his best Alan Rickman voice.

  9. Wait, I thought all Lifetime movies were titled “Please Don’t Take My Baby Away” or “He Seemed Like Such a Good Guy When I Married Him.” (Okay, maybe those were just the plot summaries.)

    (Also, why all the hating on “Mary Did You Know”? I’m an atheist and I think it’s a lovely song about the hope that each new baby brings to the world. Had to go and re-listen to Pentatonix’s version — a real hardship — and I don’t think it’s the Mansplaining Horror it’s being made out to be.)

  10. Some of my favorite holiday tunes: “Go Tell It On The Subway,” “It Came Upon An Everclear,” and (for real) Tom Lehrer’s “A Christmas Carol,” which I had memorized by the age of 10 and recited to my fourth-grade class during our class Christmas party.

  11. I’m an atheist, and I sing in a men’s chorus, and we did “Mary, Did You Know?” on our Christmas show this year, and I think it’s a freakin’ beautiful song.

    Theologically I’m pretty sure it’s crap, but if you can very tightly close you eyes to that, it’s a beautiful song. Speaking as someone that’s actually sung it. FWIW.

  12. Wait, how has no one mentioned the traditional Christmas trilogy “The Mummy”, “The Mummy Returns”, and “The Scorpion King”? More evidence to bolster their claim to a place in the holiday festivities: they started airing again on one of the cable channels at Thanksgiving.

  13. “I want a colonoscopy for Christmas” fits the tune of “I want a hippopatamus for Christmas” perfectly. There’s your 2015 Christmas earworm. You’re welcome.

  14. For the second year in a row, I am having a colonoscopy on Christmas Eve. The first year we tried to squeeze it in before our insurance deductible reset, and this year we ended up doing the same thing when better planning could have helped. No, it’s not because I like it.

  15. I’m not familiar with Tom Lehrer’s “A Christmas Carol,” but “I’m Spending Hanukkah in Santa Monica” is a classic.

    And for those of you planning a Yuletide colonoscopy (more people than I thought), get on YouTube and search for “Lewis Black colonoscopies”. He has important advice.

  16. I want a colonoscopy for Christmas
    Only a colonoscopy will do
    So much lube
    A camera up my butt
    I’ll have a colonoscopy then go to Pizza Hut…

    [Okay, _now_ it’s an earworm.]

  17. Die Hard over Long Kiss Goodnight, LKG over Die Hard 2 and TSO in the background at all times please.

  18. “…in times of trouble, mother Mary spoke to me. Speaking words of wisdom: ‘It’s about ethics in games journalism.’ “

  19. I just saw a horrifying political cartoon for “I Saw Mommy Kissing Donald Trump”. One must wonder, though, whether the thing on his head has a soul and can BE SAVED…

    That said, the obvious missing Lifetime (or Hallmark) movie on the list is “Free Souls Meet in Ry’leh: A Christmas Miracle.”

  20. While it wasn’t a colonoscopy, I did write this little ditty the year that my big Christmas present was getting my appendix removed:

    All I want for Christmas is an appendectomy,
    An appendectomy, done by laparoscopy!
    All I want for Christmas is an appendectomy,
    So I won’t die of peritonitis!

    (yes, I know “an appendectomy” doesn’t have the same number of syllables as “my two front teeth”, but it still can be made to work)

  21. “Mary, Did You Know?” is only a theological problem if you’re Catholic and maybe for Orthodox. As far as I know, Protestants do not have the doctrine of Immaculate Conception.