Insulting Things I Called People on Twitter Today: A Collection
Posted on December 30, 2015 Posted by John Scalzi 49 Comments
Why did I insult people on Twitter today? This is why:
And what did I call people today on Twitter, and in ALL CAPS to boot? Among other things:
- UNWASHED SLOTH
- PIEBALD KITTENSNORFFLER
- BEETLETOED JACKNEEDLE
- TWISTED SACKS OF BUTTERKNUCKLES
- CHRONIC FISHSPACKLER
- MUCUSOIDAL FERRET
- POSSOM-SPLAYED SOCKET-LICKER
- CHEESESNORTING RHODE ISLAND NICKELHOARDERS
- THE INSIDE OF CHEKOV’S GYM LOCKER
- BARRELSCRAPING CUTICLE FUNGUS
- PROCRASTINATING KEYBOARDFINGERER
- OXYGENHOARDING WASTE OF MARZIPAN
- PROTOZOAN NOODLESCRIBBLER
- OCTOPODEAN KNISHSTUFFER
- CRABFIDDLING BOOGER CATALOGUER
- TIREPOKING BARKSTRIPPER
- WANTON LAWN PUNCHER
- EIN KATZENZUNGE
- TIPTREE TIARA OVERFONDLER
- PICTUREFRAMING OYSTERPUSHER
- UPHOLSTERED BEERFOAMER
- JAGGED-EDGED WALL CLIPPER
- REVISIONIST MONKTRANSCRIBER
- COD-BATTERING CHIP SHOVER
- OVERQUALIFIED PIGEON RUFFLER
- CRAVEN INSULTMONGERS
As a bonus, many of these make great band names.
You can’t say I don’t know how to keep busy between Christmas and New Year’s.
ahaha Protozoan Noodlescribbler is probably my favourite :p
I am inspired, Good Sir!
Just goes to show…NEVER get involved in a battle of words with someone who writes for a living! I may have to borrow a couple of these…hope you don’t mind! (I will of course, give credit)
Nice to see you’re staying out of trouble…
Back in the good old days there was insulthost.colorado.edu
It appears to be dead now, but the source was released at some point, so I have http://sweh.spuddy.org/Jokes/insult/insult.cgi
“You are nothing but an unoriginal half-mouthful of tofu-nibbling fish heads.”
I resemble that remark!
Frog-toed wash maiden!
Nice way to finish out the year, especially with the lack of snowballs with which to throw!
I was too late for an insult.
I’ll just be here.
in the dark
It’s fine. Go on without me. You clearly
disdain me enough….
– You wart mundane noodle!
– You shotten shifter paskabah!
– You snort tonguer!
– Lame monger snaffa shell cocker!
Courtesy of Jean Sheperd
I think I need to find an occasion to call someone an “OVERQUALIFIED PIGEON RUFFLER” at some point in the future… that’s brilliant.
@hugh57 Ah, you beat me to it!. :(
Oh, hells to the yeah – that’s me. Not sure who you graced with that particular one, sir, but I’ll forgive you for not bestowing it on me since I’m not a twoot (or whatever you call people who twit).
I do have to wonder if you got a copy of _Thy Father is a Gorbellied Codpiece_ for Christmas this year. Our younger kid had that when he was a teen, and a fine old time he had crafting appropriately Shakespearean insults with its contents. Or of course it could just be your own fecund imagination at work, I realize – word-smithing is your stock in trade, after all.
In any case, thanks for the snortles to end the day. They’re sorely needed here.
What kind of brain comes up with “waste of marzipan”??? I am beside myself with LOLness.
This note is pretty cool! haha. made my night.
Remarkably, many of them are also cover terms for top secret US government projects. Is Scalzi a foreign spy? Hmmmmm… CIA, monitor this blog.
TIPTREE TIARA OVERFONDLER
I am beside myself in Ecstasy and Gleefulness. What poetry!
Hm. Total dud. An extreme rarity in Scalziland.
hahaha, I have to keep this list close by for inspiration in the future hahaah
Apparently I did not merit an insult. Boo.
We’re gettin’ the band back together!
This seems like the time to revisit this sloth-washing video.
Oh, my. I am in love with this one. Actually get the giggles each time i think of it…….
Some of these may be things The Laundry investigates on the way to CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN.
Who says you can’t chew gum and insult at the same time?
2016 resolution: Be cool enough that Scalzi insults me personally and publicly on twitter.
Bonus extra credit: Don’t actually be annoying him at the time.
SNORFFLE YOUR OWN KITTENS! I’M WELL WORTH MY MARZIPAN!
Almost fifty years ago, I remember “You tiny fool.” Of course, it has to be said with an upper class English accent.
A couple of my favorites are mutton-thumper and nibblewit. And if you take the third “t” out of mutton-thumper, you have a whole new insult.
But did you insult them in alphabetical order?
I am going to use all of these to wish my friends for NY’s tonight. hahaha. Thanks John
Actually it is EINE KATZENZUNGE because “die Zunge” is feminine. Unless the sloppy use of german grammar was meant to be part of the insult, in which case I apologize for my comment :)
As a non-native Rhode Islander, I have to say that…. I don’t see a lot of nickels here in RI. I bet those smarmy natives ARE hoarding those damned nickels! Thanks for the tip!
I just have to second Bandit’s comment. “Overfondler” sort of broke my brain. It implies there was a level of fondling that was completely appropriate but you just went *too far with it*.
If ‘cod-battering chip shover’ is a woman, can I get her number?
Pavel Chekov’s locker, or Anton Chekov’s locker?
It was a Star Trek reference (the recipient of the insult writes Star Trek novels), but really it works either way.
What a wonderfully creative list! I expect no less from an author. :)
Since I didn’t rate a personal insult, I’ve decided to pretend CHUCKLESPLEEN was directed at me. How you knew that I like Chuckles, or that spleen is my favorite word, I’ve no idea. You insight is as uncanny as your wordsmithing.
One has cause to suspect you have ransacked Charlie Stross’ trash can; I swear some of those insults are actual Laundry code names.
I particularly liked PIEBALD KITTENSNORFLER.
Thank you, kind sir, for another year of amazing reads. :)
Was I the only one that thought of Bowerick Wowbagger yesterday? Well done!
Barton, you weren’t. Of course, great minds, etc.
Piebald Kitten-Snorffler — Safari suggests kitten-snorkeling. I’m not sure if most kittens would prefer snorkeling to snorffling, but if they’re Cousteau’s kittens….
Noodle-Scribbler — Well, if you really need to scribble, I suppose a noodle will do. Is the noodle type important?Chopstick-Scribbler?
My cat needs to learn to type….
Scribble noodle types: Are fettucini better for serif scribbling? Spaghetti for sans-serif? Angel hair pasta for copperplate script?
Gee, I might not mind a nice dorktwiddler…. Twiddling the bits you need twiddled… He sounds nice…. Say, I really need to get out more.
Hmmm… my father was an upholsterer, but he nevered upholstered a “beerfoamer”. If he HAD done so, I can guarantee that it would have been A) Awesome, and B) his customers would have been begging for one like it, and calling years after his death wanting to know who we’d recommend to upholster their beerfoamers. LOL
Well, at least nobody was declared an ILLEGITIMATE SPAWN OF A TOASTER.
@dornbeast I’m still trying to live that insult down. Why did you drag it up?
Yup, I used most of these (and added some of my own) when creating The Scalzi-like Insult Generator: http://quillaria.com/insult
Would have been nice to have these organized into a list like this BEFORE I wrote the code. :/