Insulting Things I Called People on Twitter Today: A Collection

Why did I insult people on Twitter today? This is why:

And what did I call people today on Twitter, and in ALL CAPS to boot? Among other things:

  • UNWASHED SLOTH
  • DORKTWIDDLERS
  • CHUCKLESPLEEN
  • PIEBALD KITTENSNORFFLER
  • BEETLETOED JACKNEEDLE
  • TWISTED SACKS OF BUTTERKNUCKLES
  • CHRONIC FISHSPACKLER
  • MUCUSOIDAL FERRET
  • POSSOM-SPLAYED SOCKET-LICKER
  • CHEESESNORTING RHODE ISLAND NICKELHOARDERS
  • THE INSIDE OF CHEKOV’S GYM LOCKER
  • BARRELSCRAPING CUTICLE FUNGUS
  • PROCRASTINATING KEYBOARDFINGERER
  • OXYGENHOARDING WASTE OF MARZIPAN
  • PROTOZOAN NOODLESCRIBBLER
  • OCTOPODEAN KNISHSTUFFER
  • CRABFIDDLING BOOGER CATALOGUER
  • TIREPOKING BARKSTRIPPER
  • WANTON LAWN PUNCHER
  • EIN KATZENZUNGE
  • TIPTREE TIARA OVERFONDLER
  • PICTUREFRAMING OYSTERPUSHER
  • UPHOLSTERED BEERFOAMER
  • JAGGED-EDGED WALL CLIPPER
  • REVISIONIST MONKTRANSCRIBER
  • COD-BATTERING CHIP SHOVER
  • OVERQUALIFIED PIGEON RUFFLER
  • CRAVEN INSULTMONGERS

As a bonus, many of these make great band names.

You can’t say I don’t know how to keep busy between Christmas and New Year’s.

49 Comments on “Insulting Things I Called People on Twitter Today: A Collection”

  1. Just goes to show…NEVER get involved in a battle of words with someone who writes for a living! I may have to borrow a couple of these…hope you don’t mind! (I will of course, give credit)

  2. CJ Clarke – Potomac Falls, VA – Cynde Jackson Clarke (CJ) advises business owners in the residential construction and related industries. With extensive experience as a problem-solver for companies large and small, Cynde adds her keen sense of "what's really going on in this organization" to ensure that the PEOPLE as well as the PROCESSES in her clients' companies are performing at their best. Cynde is a member of the Northern Virginia Building Industry Association (NVBIA) and currently serves on the Women in the Building Industry (WBI) and Membership Committees.
    The C-Sweet

    Nice to see you’re staying out of trouble…

  3. I was too late for an insult.

    *sigh*

    I’ll just be here.

    in the dark

    un-insulted

    unloathed.

    It’s fine. Go on without me. You clearly

    don’t

    disdain me enough….

    *sob*

  4. I think I need to find an occasion to call someone an “OVERQUALIFIED PIGEON RUFFLER” at some point in the future… that’s brilliant.

  5. @hugh57 Ah, you beat me to it!. :(

  6. PIEBALD KITTENSNORFFLER

    Oh, hells to the yeah – that’s me. Not sure who you graced with that particular one, sir, but I’ll forgive you for not bestowing it on me since I’m not a twoot (or whatever you call people who twit).

    I do have to wonder if you got a copy of _Thy Father is a Gorbellied Codpiece_ for Christmas this year. Our younger kid had that when he was a teen, and a fine old time he had crafting appropriately Shakespearean insults with its contents. Or of course it could just be your own fecund imagination at work, I realize – word-smithing is your stock in trade, after all.

    In any case, thanks for the snortles to end the day. They’re sorely needed here.

  7. former datatater – Uh-lanna – I don't know what I do anymore, but I've been told to remember who I am, and to try not to lose sight of that. I grew up in Maine, but have been away longer than I was there, so not sure that is still relevant. I have a degree in Philosophy but have never philosophized professionally. I'm a wife and cat-lover and Software Engineer. I'm selfish and inconsiderate and frightened and sad. But I'd like to be better.
    datatater

    What kind of brain comes up with “waste of marzipan”??? I am beside myself with LOLness.

  8. Remarkably, many of them are also cover terms for top secret US government projects. Is Scalzi a foreign spy? Hmmmmm… CIA, monitor this blog.

  9. JessicaMarieBaumgartner – I am an addict of the written word who loves to write and read others' work. Although a bit of a bookworm, I can't help but go out and enjoy my own adventures before coming home to sit down and engage in a story.
    jessmbaum

    hahaha, I have to keep this list close by for inspiration in the future hahaah

  10. Apparently I did not merit an insult. Boo.

  11. timeliebe – Central NY – Dreaded Spouse-Creature to bestselling fantasy author Tamora Pierce (SONG OF THE LIONESS, THE CIRCLE OPENS, BEKA COOPER: A TORTALL LEGEND series), a co-author of TORTALL: A SPY'S GUIDE, Co-author with Tamora Pierce of Marvel's WHITE TIGER: A HERO'S OBSESSION for Marvel Comics. Contributing Editor for VIDEO Magazine during the 1990s, Columnist for C/Net 1999 - 2002.
    timeliebe

    BEETLETOED JACKNEEDLE

    We’re gettin’ the band back together!

  12. Some of these may be things The Laundry investigates on the way to CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN.

  13. 2016 resolution: Be cool enough that Scalzi insults me personally and publicly on twitter.

    Bonus extra credit: Don’t actually be annoying him at the time.

  14. Almost fifty years ago, I remember “You tiny fool.” Of course, it has to be said with an upper class English accent.

    A couple of my favorites are mutton-thumper and nibblewit. And if you take the third “t” out of mutton-thumper, you have a whole new insult.

  15. yashrathod – Bangalore, Karnataka, India – In my Early Twenties. Living in Bangalore. I write this blog out of curiosity and to explore my skills in writing skills. what I cannot express "out there" is aptly done here. Hello ! Follow me on twitter @VYASHASHWINI
    yashrathod

    I am going to use all of these to wish my friends for NY’s tonight. hahaha. Thanks John

  16. Actually it is EINE KATZENZUNGE because “die Zunge” is feminine. Unless the sloppy use of german grammar was meant to be part of the insult, in which case I apologize for my comment :)

  17. As a non-native Rhode Islander, I have to say that…. I don’t see a lot of nickels here in RI. I bet those smarmy natives ARE hoarding those damned nickels! Thanks for the tip!

  18. I just have to second Bandit’s comment. “Overfondler” sort of broke my brain. It implies there was a level of fondling that was completely appropriate but you just went *too far with it*.

  19. It was a Star Trek reference (the recipient of the insult writes Star Trek novels), but really it works either way.

  20. Since I didn’t rate a personal insult, I’ve decided to pretend CHUCKLESPLEEN was directed at me. How you knew that I like Chuckles, or that spleen is my favorite word, I’ve no idea. You insight is as uncanny as your wordsmithing.

  21. Was I the only one that thought of Bowerick Wowbagger yesterday? Well done!

  22. Piebald Kitten-Snorffler — Safari suggests kitten-snorkeling. I’m not sure if most kittens would prefer snorkeling to snorffling, but if they’re Cousteau’s kittens….
    Noodle-Scribbler — Well, if you really need to scribble, I suppose a noodle will do. Is the noodle type important?Chopstick-Scribbler?

  23. My cat needs to learn to type….

    Scribble noodle types: Are fettucini better for serif scribbling? Spaghetti for sans-serif? Angel hair pasta for copperplate script?

    Gee, I might not mind a nice dorktwiddler…. Twiddling the bits you need twiddled… He sounds nice…. Say, I really need to get out more.

  24. @JohnScalzi

    Hmmm… my father was an upholsterer, but he nevered upholstered a “beerfoamer”. If he HAD done so, I can guarantee that it would have been A) Awesome, and B) his customers would have been begging for one like it, and calling years after his death wanting to know who we’d recommend to upholster their beerfoamers. LOL

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