In celebration of his exit from the 2016 presidential race, and by request, here is a more-or-less complete collection of all the horrible ways I’ve described Ted Cruz during the campaign (plus a couple bonus bits from 2013, when Whatever readers awarded him the title of Asshole of the Year, besting other luminaries such as Rob Ford, Justin Bieber, and, yes, Barack Obama).
Ted Cruz is:
- a malignant teratoma with a law degree
- a shambling assemblage of skin tabs and ego
- a gross and despicable avulsion that yet managed to sprout opposable thumbs
- a jowly gobbet of tubercular phlegm
- the Platonic ideal of an asshole
- a necrotic self-regarding blight on the face of American politics
- an odious fistula that walks the earth in a human skin
- Newt Gingrich minus the charm or political savvy
- the final obnoxious form of a college dorm “Devil’s Advocate”
- a bipedal mound of pig offal that yet manages to form words
- an overripe pustule of hateful need who deserves to be dropkicked into historical oblivion
- a political dead man walking
Goddamn, I will miss him. But not enough to want him back. Ever.
Update: It’s been noted I forgot I also called Cruz an “ambulatory cloacal splotch.” Duly noted!