In Which I Turn Out To Be a Surprisingly Poor Agent of White Genocide

So, yesterday, after engaging on Twitter with some particularly low-wattage racists who were exercised about, you know, jackass racist things, I made the following observation:

Which these fellows, because they are, as previously mentioned, low-wattage racists, who also apparently don’t understand how language works, took to mean that I was fully endorsing the idea of white genocide.

Well, this was news to me — as a general rule, I don’t endorse genocide of any sort, it just seems rude — but on the other hand I didn’t want to disappoint. So, today I thought I’d give white genocide a try. Here’s how it went (some of these are in reply to others’ questions about the white genocide; click on the tweet for the question).

Having scheduled the white genocide, I went off to attend the rest of the day.

And then it was time!

Seriously, I’m the worst white genocider ever. Sorry.

121 Comments on “In Which I Turn Out To Be a Surprisingly Poor Agent of White Genocide”

  1. Since inevitably some poor humorless racist schmuck still won’t understand:

    1. Hey! I’m not for genocide of any sort!

    2. As such, no argument for genocide, “white” or otherwise, is an acceptable one.

    3. If one were to make an argument for the genocide of white people, pointing at the existence of horrible white racist schmucks and all the horrible white racist schmucky things they do would likely be the best possible grounding for that argument.

    4. However, “best” does not mean “good,”; it would still not be an acceptable argument for the genocide of white people.

    5. Nor would I personally make it.

    6. You dim horrible racist fucks.

    And if these horrible racist schmucks are still unconvinced after that point, fuck ’em, it’s not my fault their heads are full of misfiring neurons.

    With that out of the way:

    a) Mallet is out and I will err on the side of Malleting.

    b) If you’re planning to make this a Very Serious Thread about genocide, white or otherwise, you’re probably not going to have a good time. Likewise if you demand other people do your Racism 101 for you. May I suggest that the topics for this thread are, one, the eminently mockable concept of white genocide as thought upon by racist schmucks, two, my ineptness at it, three, pointing and laughing at racists. If you try to make it about something else you are probably not going to have a good time, and I will likely mock and/or Mallet you for it.

    c) If the thread becomes tiresome early — as it might! — I may just simply close it down because I have other things to do today.

    Okay, there you go. Have fun.

  2. According to the original quoted tweet, you have the schedule wrong. It’s nap and then WHITE GENOCIDE.

  3. Doesn’t that mean you must add “3pm: repair car” to your already overloaded schedule? (I mean, you can’t skip the nap. That would be WRONG.) Busy day at the Scalzi compound!

    Darn. I have deadlines tomorrow. Guess I have to meet them, now.

  4. “as a general rule, I don’t endorse genocide of any sort, it just seems rude.” Political Correctness is killing this country! Don’t let the Social Justice Warriors intimidate you, stand up and speak your mind, telli it like it is!

  5. OK, I will officially have to stop reading your blog at work. This is HYSTERICAL, and I almost had a stroke trying not to laugh out loud. This is satire at its finest. And completely lost on the the very people who have been so expertly satirized!!! Well done, John.

  6. Well, at least you tried. It was a good effort, and you came very close to killing me with laughter.

  7. There, there, dear. You did try. And since we white people expect to be judged on our good intentions, that’s almost as good as actually accomplishing it. And it relieves the rest of the world from having to dispose of our festering corpses. So there’s that.

  8. “In Which I Turn Out To Be a Surprisingly Poor Agent of White Genocide”

    I’m sorry, but I have to be blunt: none of us had any confidence you would get this done. It’s unlikely you’ll be asked again. This may be hard for to hear but that’s why we have performance reviews around here.

  9. Did you happen to see that the Racist Sexist Homophobic Dipshit (or whatever you’re calling him these days) inserted “Black Genocide” in a few of the tweets above and retweeted them to the #Black Lives Matter hashtag? I haven’t been over there in a while, and Great Ghu, he’s gone full-bore alt-right white nationalist. (And is a Trump supporter, of course.)

  10. Oh, honey, you did your best. But, really, at the risk of sounding too harsh, this is why it’s important to prepare, darling. You make sure that you’ve got your tools in good condition in advance! Still, I’m sure you did your very, very best. Now run along and let the management take care of the rest. You can have a lollipop on your way out.

  11. Can we just take a second to discuss the superiority of vanilla ice cream? I mean, it seems to get a short shrift, especially in the shadow of a (failed) genocide attempt.

  12. Well at least your heart was in the right place.
    One heart. Right?
    Your wife has the two hearts.

  13. What ridiculous font is used in your quote blocks that properly cross the number seven, but leaves the letter Z unafflicted?

  14. Can we just take a second here to acknowledge the superiority of vanilla ice cream? I find that it gets a pretty short shrift, especially in the shadow of a (failed) genocide.

  15. Jesse Slicer: It depends on the vanilla ice cream. Some are good, some are terribly disappointing. I mean, not all vanilla ice creams… maybe I should shut up.

  16. I dunno. Call me naive. But if I was put in charge of white genocide, an ax wouldn’t be my first choice. Messy. Also tiring. But, I suppose, if that’s the utensil that’s ready to hand…. OTOH, if you’re really serious about it, wouldn’t a bit of planning and prep be in order? What? Short notice, you say? Isn’t that what minions are for? I’m sure there must be Google pages that cover that sort of thing….

  17. Look, as far as I’m concerned you’re the BEST white genocider ever because it resulted in my not-demise! That seems to be a good thing. For my cats, anyway. I mean they would probably have survived for a little while snacking on my toes, but still. Think of the starving kittehs.

  18. I think the problem was putting off genocide until the afternoon. If you’d gone with Eddie Izzard’s mass murderer schedule model your day would have looked more like:

    Get up in the morning




    Afternoon Tea


    Quick Shower

  19. Having a phone conference at noon, I was unaware of the plans for the white genocide today, nor was I contacted about the schedule and allowed any white person input beforehand. This is an appalling lack of communication. I hope during the delay period that you form an organized committee in charge of making sure everybody is properly informed and ready to go at the rescheduled time. It’s 2016; this is really no way to run a white genocide in this day and age.

  20. Good vanilla ice cream is wonderful.
    Mediocre vanilla ice cream is everywhere.

    @Andrew Smith: Not seeing crossed 7s anywhere. Maybe your browser? Or, more likely, mine doesn’t have it and displays everything in font=boring-but-legible.

  21. So, according to rule number 2, I can’t advocate the genocide of genocidal people here? Well crap, that’s just no fun at all…spoil sport Scalzi. Now, what to do with all that time I was going to use doing that? Hmmm. Hey, look, it’s a little black hole generator! Cool! I always wanted to play with one of those! I wonder what happens when I turn it o…

  22. I completely agree with Kat Goodwin about the appalling lack of communication regarding the plans for today. You do remember, I hope, that some of us aren’t on the twitter? Just how, pray tell, can we be expected to exterminate ourselves in accordance with your plan if you only announce it via the twitters?

    At the very LEAST, you need to set up a SharePoint site with the plans, schedules, assignments and backups. I mean, my goodness, I do that just to plan the usual quarterly reports, and you’re considering a MUCH bigger project than that.

    You know, now that I think about it further, what in the world were you thinking not to hire a Project Manager to run this thing?? Heavens, no wonder it fell apart!

    Doggoned amateurs….

  23. I don’t get the Twitters, and after reading all of that, I still don’t get the twitters.

    I will say that vanilla ice cream is the best ice cream, though.

  24. “Racists to the left! Racists to the right! Shields up! Red Alert!”

    Arm the Twitter torpedoes! Full spread!”


    Just another day on the Internet. Must be Thursday.

  25. Did you double-check the race of any mechanics down at your shop? You might want to make sure you leave at least one for the very end, in the event everyone at the shop is white. That way, you can still keep your car in running condition until the last one of us is dead. Of course, if you had the foresight to have a regular mechanic who *isn’* white, then this would not be a problem . . . heck, depending on where he falls on white genocide, he might even install rocket-launchers or laser-cannon . . .

  26. So, do I have to be Christian to qualify for the genocide treatment… That would be very bigoted of you to leave Caucasian Atheists, Jews and Muslims who want to get in on this action out?

  27. Maybe you should have started a little bit smaller than with all the white people. What about a nice green and purple genocide for practice?

  28. Being that this is Star Trek day, it’s good that we point out exactly what the show was about: diversity. These racist idiots are what the show was trying to fight against 50 years ago when it started airing and continues to do so. Good job, John.

  29. Deborah: Yes, it’s hard to plan a White Genocide off the cuff like that, in one afternoon. And did he really think it would take one hour?

    No, no! That sort of thing takes at least a couple of days due to all the sorting involved. Like laundry.

  30. @Mark E.

    And then Izzard plays a psychopath on Hannibal and never utters the words ‘Cake or Death’…

    So very disappointed… =)

  31. Nelson: Well according to the knuckledraggers, local chapters of the NAACP offers classes:White Genocide: Come Fo’ Yo’ Folks.

  32. Are you kidding me? He was a horrible genocider!
    I was looking forward to our new cuttlefish overlords, once white people had been gotten out of their way.

  33. Can you just wait a bit, please? I mean, I don’t wanna be rude but I’m waiting for the folks at Apex to say if they want to publish my short story or not.
    There’s an easy solution for your car problem. Being today the 50th anniversary of Star Trek, we just need to wear red. By the end of 2nd act we’ll be all dead ;)

  34. It’s a shame it didn’t go as planned. Billy Idol was just saying on the radio that it was a nice day for a white genocide. A nice day to…start again.


  35. Colonel: And then there’s all the sorting involved. What about people who are mostly white, or not quite white, or who simply refuse to be identified as white. This whole thing is an incomplete mess.

  36. No white genocide until George R. R. Martin finishes the Song of Ice and Fire series. So … we’ve got a couple years, at least. [Yes, I know he’s not our bitch.]

    I’ll grant an exception to the above if it’s a “White Walker genocide” — either OF the White Walkers or BY the White Walkers. As long as there’s some way in the Game of Thrones and/or SoIaF universes in which “Snow falls. Everybody dies.” (or the equivalent of ‘dies’ for the undead — ‘ceases to be animate’ is probably close enough) is true my expectation for the books and/or the TV show will have been met.

  37. @Ikeke35
    I think the one drop rule applies. Only the whitest of white folk get genocided. Some Stormfronters are gonna be mighty surprised.

  38. Did you even consider time zones? 1pm in Ohio is 5pm GMT (which means you’re interrupting the British during knock-off time – oh, you’ll get a genocide, all right, but it’s not going to go the way you expected), and 1am here in Western Australia (3am over on the East Coast, and 2.30am in South Australia because they have to be weird) – you don’t seriously expect us Aussies to get out of bed in the middle of the night for this?

  39. The one-drop rule applies? But I don’t want to be a widow. Man, this métis heritage just gets in the way liek whoa some days.

  40. I like your writing, and I like what you’ve said before in Whatever. But there are times when it almost seems as though your sole reason for putting a noun up against a verb is to blow something up.

  41. Jeez. I always hear about the exciting stuff too late. (Wait, was I supposed to be extinct by now…? AM I extinct? Is that why I never knew about it while it was happening? Am I #WritingWhileDead?

  42. I must say your methodology is quite suspect. Genocide? tsk .. tsk. how gauche. Passe even.

    Misandry is the “in” thing. #maletears is quite delish’. *sips*

  43. John wants a genocide and we don’t even get 24 hours notice. I very least thought I had to RSVP for a white genocide. I bet John wasn’t even planning thank you notes afterwards.

    Next time John, do what white people are suppose to do for a large event. High an experienced planner. Maybe one with connections with the genocide caterers, and a good DJ.

  44. Julio:

    Being today the 50th anniversary of Star Trek, we just need to wear red. By the end of 2nd act we’ll be all dead ;)

    I was thinking about that. It would make sense to issue some sort of uniform or badge to all the white people to easily tag us for disposal. Red shirts of course are excellent at hiding the bloodstains so that it’s more visually pleasant. Sometimes aesthetics are important.

  45. Don’t be lazy. You should make it a higher priority so we can get spicy food in restaurants that’s actually spicy.

    The whole ‘if you disagree with this you’re for white genocide’ is nearly as dumb or dumber than ‘…it’s really about ethics in game journalism’. It’s not near as clever as they think and as transparent as a white t-shirt underwater.

  46. Darn! Who would feed the dog? She is *very concerned* now lest my white arse get genocided with no appropriately designated dog-carer on stand-by.

  47. Last week at work, we were struck with a sudden desire for ice cream. Gave the new kid $20, told her to get 3 different pints.

    She came back with vanilla, french vanilla, and vanilla bean. I can’t decide if she’s nuts or a genius.

  48. PG Wodehouse said it long ago: Authors. Fatheads to a man.

    Let’s himself be stopped by a stupid car. Have you no bicycles, man? No scooters?

  49. I’m surprised your Feline Overlords gave the stamp of approval to the WG. After all, you are the possessor of the opposable thumbs that open their food. Also the Lap of Napping. Perhaps it’s their youth that leads to a lack of appreciation of unintended consequences….

  50. This is one of those threads where the trolls will definitely come out while I sleep, so I’m turning off the comments until morning. Chat with you all then!

    Update: Comments back on.

  51. Theses people are so desperately confused.Two things stand out:

    First, it’s clear that they’re… well, I wouldn’t say “legitimately”… but seriously convinced the white genocide is coming. They’re actually terrified of it.

    And second, in some cases in literally the same tweet, they’re still trying to convince you* that you’re really One of Them™, with the refrain that you moved to Ohio to escape minorities.

    *not actually sure if it’s you, or just themselves they want to convince.

  52. This time of year there is only one way to trigger a white genocide event, seize control of the Strategic Pumpkin Spice Reserve.

  53. docrocketscience:

    I find the “you don’t live with minorities” bit especially funny, for various reasons. And also why I find them ignorable; their imagined version of me does not take precedence over the actual me that exists.

    White people aren’t going away. The sooner racist manbabies plod off into the dungheap of history, however, the better.

  54. Yesterday I was sick enough that genocide was looking appealing. Today, after a good sleep and the help of modern pharmaceuticals, I’m rather glad the car wouldn’t start.

    Your choice of weapon reminds me of an interview Leonard Nimoy gave. One of his early pre-Spock rolls was as an alien who landed on Earth with a view to conquering it. His last scene was stealing a pickup truck and rolling off into town armed with (his words) “what looked like a .38.”

    I guess there’s a future for you in screenwriting if this novel gig doesn’t work out… ;-)

  55. I have to say I’m relieved that it didn’t work out. Being expunged from the face of creation would have made a hash of my vacation plans for next summer.

  56. I’m quite sure that no One Drops ever coursed through the bloodstreams of my forebears, so I was slated to go. I too am pleased to be here still. The cat that owns me is also pleased. But really, “my car wouldn’t start”? Writing, say, “Down With Assortative Mating!” on a placard, and marching through town with it, now *that* would have been a gesture, at least.

    Bright side: Being around to enjoy more photos of cats, dog, rainbows & sunsets. Belated happy Scamperday. ^_^

  57. @Tom Combs–And then the Sensible Fashion Statement Tribe will demand that the People Who Wear Green And Grey be locked away for the good of society.

  58. I find the “you don’t live with minorities” bit especially funny, for various reasons.

    Is one of those reasons the faint but unmistakable redolence of envy?

    Is it idiots trying to make you look hypocritical to other idiots? Failed attempt to mock their “EssJayDouble-yew” “enemies” by trying to replicate what they “think” they would say?
    ¿Por que no los dos?

  59. Whaddya mean that you couldn’t take Krissy’s or Athena’s car because they have got their own lives to lead. For starters Athena should be at school so her car isn’t available.
    But Krissy; you could have co-opted her as your side-kick.
    After the first million or so the blade on that axe is going to get a little blunt, so while you sharpen she drives (and maybe coaches you on your chopping style).
    magpie 71 raised very important points: – other time zones and continents. Your car (sorry, Krissy’s car) ain’t going to get you to Australia (much as I’d like it to).
    So the only alternative is to franchise. Appoint franchisees for other continents and settle for North America as your home territory. Just don’t choose anyone who wears orange hair because they have a tendency to promise lots of genocide but never seem to get around to doing anything about it.

  60. Scalzi trampled upon my first amendment rights because I am white! (tongue so firmly in cheek I need to see a doctor)

  61. Has the white genocide been canceled because of the car trouble? Or will there be a rescheduling? I just need to know because I have a stack of CDs by Michael Bolton, Kenny G, and Enya to use as bait to draw white folks to the slaughter. Maybe even some Rick Astley, to Rick roll them before the white genocide begins.

    How’s next Tuesday?

  62. The next door neighbours have agreed to look after Little Dog in the event of white genocide, so proceed at will.

  63. If one were to make an argument for the genocide of white people, pointing at the existence of horrible white racist schmucks and all the horrible white racist schmucky things they do would likely be the best possible grounding for that argument.

    As an alternative, notice who white supremacists identify as heroes of their movement: Washington, Jefferson, Adams, and so forth; Mozart, Beethoven, and Wagner; Hitler and Mengele; etc. Notice any commonality? They’re all dead white men. Genocide may just be baked into the movement.

    More seriously, I’ve sometimes wondered why people who believe in white superiority don’t seem to notice their own lack of success in today’s world.

  64. Half German, quarter Hungarian, the rest is Heinz 57, probably with a decent admixture of non-haole. Does this mean I am safe from the zombie apocalypse white genocide? I’ve got too much work to do.

  65. I don’t really like the name Geno myself, but killing the white ones does seem a touch extreme. Still, what a Scalzi’s gotta do a Scalzi’s gotta do after infinite procrastination..

  66. These people have a most eccentric definition of genocide: They believe that if there is no longer a “pure” white race, that’s the same as exterminating white people. I could say that cute guys not sleeping with me is genocide with exactly the same level of truth.

    Since I’m actually in favor of the complete elimination of the “pure” white race by interbreeding (and in fact of all other so-called “pure” races), that makes me a white genocidist by their definition.

    I’m not losing any sleep over it.

    Rob Beauchamp: Excellent. In fact, I’ve never seen a better Downfalling.

    stebuu: One out of one Stebuu wives polled state that I am unlearnable

    Wow, that’s 100%.

  67. PhoenicianRomans: Wait – I’m not White, I’m a Pakeha. Do we still get genocided or what?

    Ah, stop quibbling and drink your hemlock.

  68. PhoenicianRomans: Wait – I’m not White, I’m a Pakeha. Do we still get genocided or what?

    1) The Master Race gets to go first – always
    2) When the Master Race have finished being genocided, you may just possibly perhaps well no not really be allowed to drag 3/5 of your unworthy self into the line for the firing squads or a performance of the Phantom Menace, depending on availability of bullets. All ticket purchases will be final and absolutely no refunds.

  69. The “white” people who failed biology, history and chemistry and don’t understand that the notion of a white race is a cultural idea made up 400 years ago as a labor supply strategy go first.

    The “white” people who do understand that “white” is a cultural idea with massive political and economic damage and power grabbing, but think that’s nifty and should be preserved at all costs go second.

    The “white” people who “don’t see color” but consciously think that black people are inherently aggressive and dangerous and so should live quietly and subserviently in a police state go third.

    And so on. This is why we need the organization committee.

  70. Late to the party (have been sick the past couple of days), but I needed that laugh, even if it hurt my throat. Racists are so ridiculous sometimes, can’t they just see that everybody’s human and just, like, stop giving a shit about skin color?


    Alright, so I can finally stop caring about Orgo homework and my neurological bullshit and the propensity of my arms to try to dislocate themselves on a sadly regular basis? Which way to the humane disappearing camps, I’m up for anything quick, and please make sure that my belongings get sold to fund a proper peacekeeping effort in the Congo, because that civil war’s gone on far too long. Also, I am willing to let a “doctor” pore over my remains, but only after my death, no Mengele BS, please.

    Xopher Halftongue Does it have to be hemlock? Can’t we use something nice and quick, like cyanide? Or maybe being bitten by an inland taipan?

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