An Actual Conversation I Had This Morning

Me (answering the phone): This is John Scalzi.

Person on the other end: Mr. Scalzi, I’m from your doctor’s office. We have the results of the cholesterol test you took earlier this week. The doctor wanted to tell you that your cholesterol is within the acceptable range, that you’re at slightly lower-than-average risk, and that at this time no medications will be needed.

Me: Well, that’s very good news.

Other person: Yes it is.

Me: I’m going to eat an entire stick of butter to celebrate.

Other person: Oooooooh, noooo, I really wouldn’t do that.

33 thoughts on “An Actual Conversation I Had This Morning

  1. How similar is your local dialect to the Wisconsin/Minnesota dialect of my youth? In my head I can hear my Aunt Edna saying “ooooo noooo” in a nasal accent as flat as the prairies of Central Wisconsin.

  2. Other person: Oooooooh, noooo, I really wouldn’t do that.

    “You’re right, a single stick of butter really doesn’t lend enough gravitas. It’s time to play America’s Favorite game: CAN IT BE DEEP FRIED? Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spiritually channel one of the more decadent Roman emperors.”

  3. “Within the acceptable range?” “Slightly lower-than-average risk?” Anybody who’s read your writing for any length of time could recognize: those are your words, aren’t they? You dictated that report; your doctor didn’t write it.

  4. LOL, well done. I had a similar interaction at the doctor the other day because I checked the “I drink occasionally” box on the health info form. She nurse rolled her eyes and said “now the computer wants to know what you drink.” and I said “The Good stuff. That’s why I can only drink occasionally, I can’t afford to drink more often!”

  5. A recent study concluded that diet has less to do with cholesterol levels than previously thought. I’ve seen your burrito tweets, and am forced to concur.

  6. Was that Doctor Bonespurs? Yeah, he’s good.

    You should have haggled with them. How about a tub of “cant believe its not butter”? A quarter cup and a shot of corn oil as a chaser?

  7. America’s Favorite game: CAN IT BE DEEP FRIED?

    Bah, cultural appropriation again. That’s a traditional Scottish game.

  8. I don’t often use the term “LOL”, and rarely have I actually laughed out loud.

    I quite literally “Laughed Out Loud”. Thanks John.

  9. That person will just have another student to add to “crazy patient” stories that such a person likely has started to compile, since it’s rather not likely that John is the only smart-ass in the universe …

  10. *story, not student (who do you think is grading a mid-term at the moment and just scanned the email and knew that JS was up to something and it was worth reading …)

  11. Thank you, I needed a laugh.

    Also I read Head On this week and really enjoyed it. I bought the Kindle version. Thanks again for all the words.

  12. @ Anthony:

    America’s Favorite game: CAN IT BE DEEP FRIED?

    Bah, cultural appropriation again. That’s a traditional Scottish game.

    In the original Scottish form of the game the question is purely rhetorical. Of course it can be deep fried.

  13. I think Logophage was riffing on the news stories about Donald Trump’s doctor this week.

  14. Deep fried Twinkies on a stick is pretty good.. I would do it more often, but at $5 a shot….

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