Me (answering the phone): This is John Scalzi.
Person on the other end: Mr. Scalzi, I’m from your doctor’s office. We have the results of the cholesterol test you took earlier this week. The doctor wanted to tell you that your cholesterol is within the acceptable range, that you’re at slightly lower-than-average risk, and that at this time no medications will be needed.
Me: Well, that’s very good news.
Other person: Yes it is.
Me: I’m going to eat an entire stick of butter to celebrate.
Other person: Oooooooh, noooo, I really wouldn’t do that.