An Actual Conversation I Had This Morning

Me (answering the phone): This is John Scalzi.

Person on the other end: Mr. Scalzi, I’m from your doctor’s office. We have the results of the cholesterol test you took earlier this week. The doctor wanted to tell you that your cholesterol is within the acceptable range, that you’re at slightly lower-than-average risk, and that at this time no medications will be needed.

Me: Well, that’s very good news.

Other person: Yes it is.

Me: I’m going to eat an entire stick of butter to celebrate.

Other person: Oooooooh, noooo, I really wouldn’t do that.

33 Comments on “An Actual Conversation I Had This Morning”

  1. How similar is your local dialect to the Wisconsin/Minnesota dialect of my youth? In my head I can hear my Aunt Edna saying “ooooo noooo” in a nasal accent as flat as the prairies of Central Wisconsin.

  2. Other person: Oooooooh, noooo, I really wouldn’t do that.

    “You’re right, a single stick of butter really doesn’t lend enough gravitas. It’s time to play America’s Favorite game: CAN IT BE DEEP FRIED? Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spiritually channel one of the more decadent Roman emperors.”

  3. “Within the acceptable range?” “Slightly lower-than-average risk?” Anybody who’s read your writing for any length of time could recognize: those are your words, aren’t they? You dictated that report; your doctor didn’t write it.

  4. LOL, well done. I had a similar interaction at the doctor the other day because I checked the “I drink occasionally” box on the health info form. She nurse rolled her eyes and said “now the computer wants to know what you drink.” and I said “The Good stuff. That’s why I can only drink occasionally, I can’t afford to drink more often!”

  5. A recent study concluded that diet has less to do with cholesterol levels than previously thought. I’ve seen your burrito tweets, and am forced to concur.

  6. Was that Doctor Bonespurs? Yeah, he’s good.

    You should have haggled with them. How about a tub of “cant believe its not butter”? A quarter cup and a shot of corn oil as a chaser?

  7. America’s Favorite game: CAN IT BE DEEP FRIED?

    Bah, cultural appropriation again. That’s a traditional Scottish game.

  8. I don’t often use the term “LOL”, and rarely have I actually laughed out loud.

    I quite literally “Laughed Out Loud”. Thanks John.

  9. Humble Dave – I'm just a guy living the dream in southern California. Married with no kids but an awesome dog. Sunshine, palm trees, beaches and parks. It's a rough life, but somebody has to live it. I review products for Amazon sellers as a hobby, and thought I would share what I've learned with you. Enjoy!
    Humble Dave

    Bacon up that butter, boy!

  10. Hope Griffin Diaz – North Carolina – So, to borrow from a popular shirt, I love Jesus but I cuss a little. Well, a lot. In fact, I just don't believe Jesus really gives a shit about the word fuck. He does care if you say f you or go f yourself. But a general adjective? Nah. I am married to the love of my life, Louie (aka Luis) and have an adult child, Christy. My mum, Nancy, is still with us and active in our lives. I love to read, I fancy myself an amateur gardener, I am owned by a large black purr machine maine coon cat named Samwise aka #SamSam and a Border Collie/Australian Cattle dog mix named Daisy. I knit. I craft. I sew. These are at my leisure and are hobbies. I don't take commissions nor do I do alterations. I'm an aspiring human being. I battle several mental illnesses including depression, major panic disorder, agoraphobia, germaphobia, claustrophobia, and some other assorted illnesses. I also have fibromyalgia and have had numerous traumatic brain injuries (into the double digits now). I am not able to drive at night. I don't know where this blog is going ... if anywhere.
    Jada

    I snickered a bit at this

  11. Morgan Hazelwood – Virginia – Morgan Hazelwood (she/her) is a fantasy novelist who blogs and vlogs writing tips and writerly musings. She likes taking pictures of the sky, reading a good book, and ambiverting from her living room. She's also a voice for the fairy-tale audio drama: Anansi Storytime and its sister podcast: Legendsmith. She's been known to procrati-clean her whole house and alphabetize other people's bookshelves.
    Morgan Hazelwood

    Is margarine better?

    What about those new coconut oil, non-dairy blends?

  12. That person will just have another student to add to “crazy patient” stories that such a person likely has started to compile, since it’s rather not likely that John is the only smart-ass in the universe …

  13. *story, not student (who do you think is grading a mid-term at the moment and just scanned the email and knew that JS was up to something and it was worth reading …)

  14. Thank you, I needed a laugh.

    Also I read Head On this week and really enjoyed it. I bought the Kindle version. Thanks again for all the words.

  15. @ Anthony:

    America’s Favorite game: CAN IT BE DEEP FRIED?

    Bah, cultural appropriation again. That’s a traditional Scottish game.

    In the original Scottish form of the game the question is purely rhetorical. Of course it can be deep fried.

  16. amusedreams – Semi-Geek, Bibliophile, Cat Person. I post about life stuff. Music, books, food, wine, CHOCOLATE, and geek stuff.
    amusedreams

    Ah, thank you for the giggle. :) I can almost hear this conversation.

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