Today’s Somewhat Unfortunate Event Involving a Kitten
Posted on July 27, 2018 Posted by John Scalzi 67 Comments
Smudge is a curious fellow, and also, when I use the bathroom, if there is no other human in the house, I don’t always close the door entirely. The confluence of these two facts today is why, while standing at the toilet today, doing my business, Smudge barged in and, needing to see what was going on, leapt up on the toilet seat faster than I could direct certain things out of the way.
All which is to say that “pee on a kitten” is now something I can check off my Bucket List. What a relief, if you’ll excuse the pun, that is.
(Also, Smudge is fine, and has been cleaned up, which he disliked more than the actual being peed upon.)
Note to self: Close the door completely from now on.
Thank you for making me completely crack up at my desk today. I needed a laugh. Sorry Smudge!
I was a month away from turning six when my brother was born. My mother had to go back in the hospital for a bit, so my grandmother flew out to help my father take care of my brother. My grandmother had just unfastened his soiled diaper, preparing to clean him up and put a fresh one on. I had bangs at the time. Just as my grandmother unfastened the diaper, my brother shot a stream of urine that hit me squarely in the bangs. Fortunately, it didn’t hit anything else, so it wasn’t a big hassle to clean up–just a rather unexpected surprise. :-)
If you didn’t eat asparagus in your last burrito, everything should be just fine.
Yes, I am 12. No regerts. Yes, I spelled that wrong on purpose. Still no regerts.
Is sitting not an option? Recommended for various reasons and it would make peeing on the cat a real feat ;-).
You leave the seat down when you pee?
Ow! Ow!! OW!!
Oh… it HURTS to laugh that hard.
But… it’s a good hurt.
Thank you, John. I needed the laugh today.
And thank you, Smudge, for gallantly throwing your little fuzzy body into the… er… stream of things, to provide a healing dose of hilarity for many, I’m sure!
This is BEGGING to be a “Caption This Photo [from the cat’s perspective]” contest.
“My god, it’s full of stars.”
Ron Zoscak:
Sometimes. I am usually very accurate, except when a cat is in the way.
Your aim is apparently better than a Stormtrooper’s.
Smudge seems pretty smart overall; I bet he could learn to pee in the toilet! I have a cat who can and does; it’s a spectator sport for the others.
Erm, between taping bacon to cats and now peeing on them, you’re setting yourself up for a call from the SPCA…
Smudge got pissed off.
“Very accurate aim” needs to be added to your book bio!
Been there, done that. The first time I slept over in my future wife’s apartment, I went for the traditional mid-night easing. Her roommate’s cat wasn’t used to having men in the house, and pushed open the door behind me. By the time my sleep-fogged brain realized what had happened, kitty was perched on the hamper beside the toilet. There was this moment of horror as I read the cat’s mind (“I think I’ll bat that with my paw to see what it is”), but was too sleep-muddled to react in time — and probably would have peed on the floor had I tried. Sure enough, the cat batted at the stream of urine, then gave me the most unbelievable stinkeye, the kind only a cat can give: “What the frack do you think you’re doing, dude? We don’t do that in this house.”
I learned to be sure the door was firmly shut in future.
Life with a kitten is seldom boring!
David Hajicek, the preposition you’re looking for is “on.”
Ah, the amusement we derive at the expense of our feline companions! :D Thanks for the laugh!!
I used to work at a daycare and one day a dad dropped off his kid and told us a story – basically the same thing had happened in the middle of the night with him and his young toddler son. He said he was too embarrassed to tell his wife why he was giving their kid a bath in the middle of the night.
Smudge now knows the truth of the axiom: that it’s better to be pissed off than to be pissed on.
Yeah, I have lap kitties, so I’ve already learned not to leave the door open, because a cat climbing up on your lap can be uncomfortable enough when you’re in shorts, never mind when you’re using the privy.
Thanks for a good Friday laugh!
I don’t know, John.
He looks traumatized.
I think he’s going to need help to recover.
Like a whole lot of catnip.
At least Smudge didn’t try to drink the stream *side eyes dog*. Our boy GSD loves trying to eat the water coming out of the hose, but doesn’t distinguish between water coming out of a hose and urine coming out of Mr Jazz.. We both have to be very careful if we get caught short on a dog walk – me because I use a Shewee (wonderful device, no more getting stung by nettles).
If it makes you feel better, this also recently happened to my dad with his kitten, Lucy. And then again a few weeks later, because she didn’t learn her lesson.
Been there, done that.
Such a forlorn expression the wee lad is evincing. So to speak.
We have a fluffy cat named Manny (props to ice age) and he is the cat that taught me to unzip the fly instead of undoing everything. How did a cat manage this? By reaching up to say hi, extending his claws (in love), and then pulling my pants down around my ankles. Twice!
“you’re setting yourself up for a call from the SPCA”
Breaking: Author man to be tried by a jury of his pee-ers
Something like that happened with my husband and one of our kittens, years ago. Spouse was standing in front of the toilet when said kitten came racing in, jumped up, fell in the toilet and scrambled right out again. Husband told me he wasn’t sure which of them was more startled.
Maybe you should have named him Soak, the three-colored kitten.
re: not sitting down to pee.
As a single dude for most of my life, I tend to be very lazy about cleaning. I’ve found that when you pee while standing, no matter how accurate you are, fine droplets of urine DO splash out of the bowl (whether you aim for the porcelain or the water). This is what eventually causes the yellow crud to accumulate on the outside of the toilet and the nearby floor (if you don’t clean regularly). Since I switched to sitting, the only thing I have to worry about cleaning in the area surrounding the toilet is dust.
Nightshade1972:
When my son was an infant he did something similar, except he managed to pee in his own ear.
I told my husband and his reaction was to be impressed, say something about pressure, and mutter, “I don’t think I could pee in *my* own ear.”
Too much information.
I’m wondering if there was a pause, a brief moment of debate as to whether or not this story should be shared. And then, “Of course it should. I peed on a cat. The people. The people must know.”
Pro tip – when cleaning up from urinary mishaps, do not use chlorine bleach. Ammonia or purpose-built bathroom cleansers only. Lest ye be gassed.
To address the elephant in the room: why was “pee on a kitten” on your bucket list in the first place?
Smudge always seem to look somewhere between surprised and outraged.
Do you think he’s learned his lesson?
(Yes, deliberately being ambiguous)
This happened to me as well, just the other week, with a kitten rambunctious enough to leap all the way into the bowl while I was doing my business.
I… am not usually speechless, but I guess what I want to say here is that: a) I’m really sorry Smudge ended up needing a bath, for both of your sakes; b) I can’t remember the last time I’ve laughed so hard.
Smudge will return the favor. Because repetition compulsion!
The internet thanks you for cleaning the cat and the toilet before taking the photo.
Twice my husband peed on our kitten after she leapt onto and then fell INTO the toilet.
This is political commentary in disguise, isn’t it.
But, yeah, cats. Whatchagonnado? Hopefully the thorough cleaning nightmare has erased the memory of “this is something we do in this house” from his head. But I’d sleep with one eye open for the next few nights.
My cat Manfred had a thing for hopping into the lowered pants of anyone sitting on the toilet. Extremely cute and extremely annoying. He only stopped when he grew too big to fit.
This happened to my husband and our eldest cat, Scratch Fury Destroyer of Worlds, when he was a wee ball of fluff. Scratch is now a 10 year old tubby tabby and leaping fearlessly across the bathroom isn’t in his playbook anymore. But when he was a tiny little feral kitten who had adopted himself into Geoff’s home he not only managed to get peed on, he attempted to, ahem, catch the source of the pee on his way into the toilet as he realized the error of his ways.
All parties involed had a bad day that day.
I love how Athena’s posting nice things about New York and cool films and mildly disappointing ice cream and generally being excellent only to find John barging in a few hours later being all WHOOPS I PISSED ON A CAT (BUT IT DIDN’T MIND)
Smudge has the most charming little face.
My six-month-old puppy managed something similar recently. Though in her case, she was racing into the bathroom in order to stuff one of her toys into the toilet bowl (a current favorite forbidden activity, and the reason we try to permanently keep the lid closed), and just didn’t give a single fuck that my partner was busy peeing into the same receptacle. Priorities!
My kitten just came to see why I was laughing so hard. I think it was Rick’s comment about the elephant in the room that set me off.
My cats are fascinated by me using the toilet, but it mostly is them staring at it in confusion, or if it’s a bowel movement then they like to nest in the pants that are around my ankles.
Doesn’t this mean that, by extension, you also peed on the curtain, the carpet and down the hallway?
Come clean,. this was actually marking the poor kitten as your territory wasn’t it?
In that pic he looks sort of like a Boston terrier.
Accidents happen – and that kitten has the most eager expression I’ve ever seen!
I will admit, until reading these comments, I would not have thought “people who have peed on a cat” would be a very large subset of the population. Looks like I would have been wrong.
… and a mildly traumatic time was had by all! Has that cured Smudge of his toilet curiousity?
If I were a guy, I’d be very reluctant to be naked anywhere near a kitten. They figure any dangly bit is a toy, and react accordingly.
So yes, this happened just a couple of weeks ago. I got out of bed, stumbled bleary eyed to the toilet to relieve the pressure on my bladder. I didn’t take the time to close the door–and not sure it would have helped–and my better half’s latest rescue kitten followed me into the john.
As I relieved myself, I happened to look down and there was Stella staring up at me in rapt fascination.
“Privacy?”
“Why?”
“Because!”
“So what IS that thing?”
“Privacy! Peeing here!”
“Ummm… use the sand box maybe???”
The following day, my Irish redhead had the same convo. “Seriously? You’re gonna watch me pee?”
“That other serf already said that. Maybe you should try the sandbox without all the histrionics? Saves time.”
Her: “I cant even pee in peace around here!”
Me: “Stella?”
Her: “Sigh.”
Poor Smudge. The look of abject terror on her little face will haunt me for at least the next few minutes…
Sitting doesn’t always help….One of our cats insisted on being on my lap every trip (he was sick at the time, so I was inclined to indulge him as much as possible). One day he curled his tail around just wrong, and fast as that, I too have accidentally peed on a cat. Maybe we should be asking how many cat owners haven’t yet instead? :)
Well, I for one have never peed on a cat (and I can’t believe I just wrote that on the internet). Also, my bucket list must be way different than John’s.
I had a cat once that loved the toilet. She was a big ole thang who’d come running every time I so much as looked in the direction of the bathroom. She was fascinated by the flow of the water. Of course, it was no surprise when my husband peed on her. Excuse the pun but she was pissed. Lol
I have to agree with you. But we all gotta have dreams…
I laughed out loud at this. The same thing happened to my husband, and to our youngest cat when he was a kitten.
My cat has done that to me as well from time to time. Fortunately, no direct or indirect hits or misses were made as we shooed the cat out of the bathroom.
True story: I was once living with a kitten. One time I was getting undressed and my belt was swinging a little bit. The kitten jumped at the belt but by that time the pants had been removed so the Kitten grabbed with it’s claws onto…what it could, ie what was under said pants. I was so tempted to make a set of Kitten-skin gloves at that point.
Our cats love to drink out of the bathroom faucet*, and the smaller one, Junti, gets there by jumping from the (closed) toilet up to the bathroom sink. Well, one day someone had left the toilet lid up.
Bathing an outraged, half-grown cat is not fun. When it happened *again*, less than a week later, it was even less fun.
I am pleased to say that twice was enough for both humans and cat. The toilet lid stays down these days, and Junti now always pauses to examine the toilet carefully before she leaps.
*They jump up onto the counter and screech until a human servant appears to turn the faucet on to just the right amount of dribble.
“Have you ever squirted a cat with water, Prime Minister?”
“I have, Wing Commander. It didn’t like it.”
“No, sir. Well, it seems they like it even less with bullets.”