Today In “I Regret Nothing”

Yesterday I reached 160,000 Twitter followers and polled my followership with how they wanted me to celebrate: A preview from an upcoming work, a song, a cat picture or a “burrito.” The burrito won. This is what followed.

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HUMANS OF TWITTER:

It is time.

Yesterday, having reached 160k Twitter followers, I promised one and all that I would make a VALENTINE BURRITO to mark this momentous occasion.

I have done so. And recorded its creation for you.

LET US BEGIN THIS BURRITO JOURNEY TOGETHER NOW.

STEP ONE: The raw ingredients are purchased and assembled.tortillas, cherry cordials, gummi worms, raspberry preserves, marshmallow creme, heart-shaped cakes, butter.
STEP TWO: The individual portions are measured out and prepared.One tortilla, one cake, two cordials, six gummi worms, and the marshmallow creme and raspberry preserves.
STEP THREE: A generous base of marshmallow creme is slathered onto the tortilla.Fun fact: Marshmallow creme is hella sticky.
STEP FOUR: The raspberry preserves are added to the marshmallow creme.Fun fact: This tortilla now looks like a crime scene.
STEP FIVE: The heart-shaped snack cake is torn to shreds and placed on the raspberry preserves. Not symbolic or anything!This is all pink and red and white and oh Jesus what have I done.
STEP SIX: The chocolate cherry cordials are sliced, poorly, and added to the pile.Seriously, chocolate cherry cordials have no structural integrity to speak of.
STEP SEVEN: Gummi worms added for color and texture. They have nothing to do with Valentine’s Day, but sometimes you just need that extra kick, you know?Fun fact: We will all die and worms will eat us, except the cremated people, who never think of the poor, hungry worms.
STEP EIGHT: Tortilla folded into a burrito shape, and slathered with butter.Fun fact: This burrito is, like, eighteen million calories, all of them empty, like my soul.
STEP NINE: The burrito commenceinates its fryination!Fun fact: This technically makes this burrito a chimichanga!

STEP TEN: The burrito is golden brown and now ready to eat.

And did I eat it? Well…From the outside, you would not imagine this to be a hideous hellscape of mish-mashed sugary flavors!

Here I am, eating the thing.

WARNING: You are not prepared.

Another look at the inside of the Valentine Burrito.Fun fact: It looks like a unicorn barfed into a flour tortilla.

Thank all 160k of you for following me here on Twitter. You made me make this burrito. I do not regret it, and yet I will never ever do this again, unless lots of money is involved.

The end.Hey, want a bite?

Followup tweet:

51 thoughts on “Today In “I Regret Nothing”

  1. OMG, Scalzi… I saw just the first picture, and thought… ‘uh-oh… This can’t end well…’

    You’re extremely fortunate you got away with a few chest pains.

    So far…

    Be very, very careful for the next couple of weeks. Don’t you know that gummi worms are one of the ways the Hellcreatures from Zargozal disguise their eggs?

  2. 1) if you fried it, it’s a chimichanga, not a burrito.
    2) whoever has to catalog the contents after pumping your stomach is gonna need *years* of therapy.

  3. OMG, I think I’m going to be sick. More power to you John, but I couldn’t handle that (especially the rubber cherries -bleech!)

  4. You know, I’ve had some…odd…meals in my life and actually look back at much of what I did when I was nine or ten with amusement and fondness. I looked at that set of ingredients and said, “OH HELL NO!!!” and shut my eyes. I have a cast-iron stomach, but looking at that abomination, that defiling of the beauty that is the burro, well, words fail me.

    If you do such a thing to a taco, expect my penguin lawyers or polar bear seconds at your door, sir!

    I’m going to lie down under a tree and try to sooth my stomach by telling it that my brain did not actually SEE that!

  5. Dude, you take a lot of risks for your art. That is at LEAST the seventh circle of diabetic coma hell.

    Thanks for taking one for the team. I think.

  6. I got sick from just looking at this
    Reminds me of when my Mom let my kindergarten self eat as many sweets as I wanted. To this day I can’t eat most candy.

  7. Ooooo-Kay! That was gross. I need spam musubi now to clear the visual taste buds in my brain.

    Wait, and you think churro corn puff bites are … bad?!? For shame, young one, for shame.

  8. John, I say this with love: YOU. ARE. A. MONSTER. Please don’t try to commit suicide-by-burrito again – or, at the very least, finish book 3 of the Interdependency series first…

  9. Seeing the ingredients reminded me of Homer Simpson’s “Patented Space-Age Out Of This World Moon Waffles.”

  10. Ok. Most of the time you make a burrito, I can somewhat understand the reasoning. I even think that many of them would be delicious (I need to try mac&cheese with meat on a burrito sometime). But this? For the first time, I look at this and agree with all those that say that you are a monster.
    That said, in smaller, bite-sized chunks, I could get behind this. I think it’s the fact that it’s huge that makes me wonder about the sanity of everyone that was involved.
    (Side note: what was your wife’s reaction to your plan/recipe?)

  11. Next time you make one of these special types of “burritos”, save a bite or two for when Smudge comes begging at the table. One whiff might break him of that habit. [Don’t let him eat it, that would be cruel, but give him a sniff and maybe a lick.]

  12. Wow. Talk about a sugar high. If you chased that down with a Coke Zero I know who’s going to be up all night, until he completely crashes and is unable to move.

  13. Honestly? You had me until the gummi worms. I would probably substitute Rice Krispies for the gummi worms, just to get a bit of crunch in there. I thought about adding Frosted Krispies, but we don’t want to have too much sugar, right?

  14. I missed the original poll – I would have voted for another cat picture. :) But congrats to your pancreas for surviving the sugar attack and viva el burrito!

  15. Good grief, Scalzi, you’re a human goat! I hope you survive this, because I want to read the finish of the collapsing empire. The mind boggles. Btw, Cella cherries are waaaay better than Queen Ann cherries.

  16. I’ll note that out indomitable host only took two bites on camera. I think that’s a survivable amount of sugar. I’m impressed he didn’t get burned; all that sugar looked *hot*.

    My question is: what is the stringy thing? There’s no cheese, and the marshmallow fluff went liquid, so was that the gummy worms?

  17. I showed this to my wife (the one who “hates” you because I talk about you too much).

    1st reaction: What?

    2nd: He’s gonna eat that?

    (I show her a picture of you eating it)

    3rd: You know, if you people actually like him you should stop challenging him to do these things or he’s not gonna live to write any more books.

  18. From the safe distance of the other side of the world, before I have even considered breakfast, my pancreas is busy warning me that if I even *think* about doing something like that to it, There Will Be Tears Before Bedtime. Good grief!

  19. Scalzi, you are an entity of tremendous courage.

    And questionable judgment!

    Congratulations on the 160k milestone … but I’ve GOT to wonder, how will you celebrate 200k‽

  20. I’d have left out the gummi worms and added a dash of mango-habanero hot sauce, but I put that sh* on everything…

  21. A crime against Humanity and Nature.
    History will judge you. Gastronomy will condemn you.
    May the Gods have mercy on your soul.

  22. Add me to the “hm, looks tasty” side of the discussion (however sparsely populated that side may be), but…”Everybody’s Dream Marshmallow Creme”? Do they not have Fluff in Ohio?

  23. What? What’s the big deal? This was basically breakfast. Now…add ketchup and jalapeños…yeah, baby, let’s light this sweet thing on fire! Mmmmmm…..

  24. Am I the only one who looked at that ingredients roster and thought ‘Ah, if only it had pickled herring, it would be properly grand’?

    *crickets*

    Anyone?

    All-rrrrrighty then.

  25. What was missing was some chocolate sauce, because everything tastes better with chocolate. I learned that when I used to make up these drinks for my pts who were not eating. I would start out with a supplemental drink (ensure), add yogurt (for additional protein), ice cream, milk and add chocolate syrup, then I would mix it all together. Pts seemed to like it because they would drink it all. When we didn’t have any chocolate syrup they didn’t like the drink as much.

  26. I’m no burrito ‘purist’ by any means. I love Tex-Mex as served in Massachusetts, so ‘autentica’ means diddly to me. I often put a cheeseburger in a tortilla instead of on a roll, and my ‘burrito fillings’ are often a mix of leftover meat, beans and a dollop of spagetti sauce from a jar (with a heap of ancho chili powder.)

    But there are limits to what constitutes ‘nutrition’. I eat bacon because I like it, not because I’m deluded about ‘keto’ ;-)

  27. I wasn’t going to say anything here, but the madness is spreading. I doubt it will do any good, but here goes:

    It’s NOT a chimichanga. Chimis are deep-fried in oil, not browned on both sides in a pan. I live in Tucson and chimis are a major deal here the same as Sonoran Hot Dogs. It’s still a burro even if you brown it in a pan.

    This “burrito” is still a crime against nature.

  28. Jesus, this is disgusting. Who was the 160,000th twitter follower? I blame that sicko for this disgusting display. I think I’m going to be sick.

  29. You really need to reconsider the ‘wisdom’ of following the dictates of your so-called fans since they are the ones who voted for this culinary nightmare. The next time you’re tempted to leave a decision to the Twitterverse, save yourself the trouble – and the chest pains – and go with the cat picture. Or maybe just eat the cat picture.

  30. There are things that should never be done to the poor inoffensive Burrito. I thin kwe have just witnessed one.

    Incidentally, is a Burrito a small donkey?

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