25 Years

I don’t want to say that it doesn’t feel that long ago, because, well, it does feel like a while ago now — in the course of twenty five years for ourselves, our friends and families, children were born and grew, loved ones passed and were mourned, careers were made and sometimes changed. Old friends remained and new ones joined them. And the life Krissy and I would make with each other, all potential then, has been written. It’s not done being written, of course. Hopefully we’ll still have volumes yet to go. But what has been written to date is wonderful, and fulfilling, and a story that I delight in telling and in composing with her.

I think it’s better to say that the time doesn’t feel like it’s been idle or wasted. Twenty five years is a pretty decent stretch of time to stay married to one person, and I can understand how in that length of time one can eventually take one’s partner for granted, seeing them as part of an unchanging background of a life on permanently stuck in a loop. I can honestly say that I’ve never felt that about Krissy. There’s not been a time where I wasn’t finding new things to like and to love about her, never a time where my respect and admiration for who she is and what she brings to our partnership has not grown.

I don’t want to give the impression that I consider Krissy in nothing but glowing awe. She’s human, folks, as are we all. She’s no more perfect than I am, or you are. But that’s my point. My appreciation for her is grounded in who she is here in the real world, and by how she moves through it, on her own terms and as my partner in this life we’ve built and are still building together. She’s made my life better, and she’s made me a better person. I like to think I’ve done the same for her, these last twenty five years.

With that said, I should be clear that, while fully acknowledging the essential humanity of my spouse, there’s that part of me that every day looks at her and goes, bwuuuuh??? because I genuinely do think she’s amazing. The fact that she’s genuinely physically stunning is the obvious manifestation, and the reason why every time I post a picture of her somewhere, someone (usually more than one) feels obliged to remind me that I’m out of my league. Yes, I’m aware of this, indeed, and from literally the very first moment I saw her, when she walked up to me to tell me we should dance, which we then did immediately because while I am a man of average looks, I am not without some intelligence.

But you should know her physical beauty is only the door that opens into the rest of what makes her amazing. I tell people that Krissy is smarter than me and they think I am being flattering to her. I’m not. She has the ability to size up people and situations better than anyone I know, and has a capacity for straight-line thinking that has to be seen to be believed. Her ego is composed in such a way that there’s never been another person I’ve met who is more comfortable in their own skin; she knows who she is and she’s good with it (this is an ability that confuses many many people). She is kind and good, and you will never have a better friend than you will have in Krissy, provided she’s decided she wants to be your friend. Also, and not for nothing, she’s freakishly strong, which is both useful and amusing to me. In sum, Krissy is indeed human, and also, she is one of the best humans I know.

And I know all of this not just because I’ve lived these twenty five years with her, but because every day of those twenty five years I’ve seen these things in her. I make it a point to appreciate them about her, and to let her know how much I appreciate them, and her. Her goodness and kindness and usefulness as a human make me want to be better as human, too — to be, in my own way, as good and kind and useful as she is to me and to the others in her life. I want to be as good to her, and for her, as she has been to me.

While I think there are many ways to have a good marriage, I think this particular model — an awareness and appreciation of your partner’s gifts and skills, a desire to reciprocate in kind, and a recognition that it is all a continual process — works really well for us. I’ve said many times before that marriage is work, but I’m not sure I’ve always communicated that how much joy there can be in the work, or at least, how much joy I find in the work. I love that every day I get another chance to let Krissy know how much I love and value her, and the life we make together. I love that every day I get to go to work, making this life with her. There is nothing better.

Twenty five years is a long time, and it doesn’t feel long enough. I want another twenty five years, please, and — why not? — another twenty five after that, if it can be managed. I want every day to wake up next to my amazing wife, this best human I know, and to tell her that I love her, and I love the life we’ve made for each other, and I’m ready to make another day with her. I’m ready to learn more about her, and to learn from her. I’m ready to be useful to her, and to make her laugh, and to every day better become the person who she loves, and loves to be with.

Who wouldn’t want all of that? Every day? For as long as it can possibly last?

I love you, Kristine Blauser Scalzi. Every day. Happy anniversary.

57 thoughts on “25 Years

  1. Congrats

    (teasing)
    Since yesterday was your date anniversary and today is your wedding anniversary, do you get her presents for both anniversaries?

    ( serious)
    I celebrate our wedding anniversary every month ( 30th ) originally so I would never miss our actual anniversary ( June 30th ) but have discovered more celebrating is always better.

    Like the Mad hatter, we have been celebrating a lot of unbirthdays in the last few weeks.

  2. Aw, nice. Happy Anniversary, you crazy kids. In another 25 years you will be where my wife and I will be this October (assuming Trump and Covid-19 cooperate). What matters most after (almost) 50 years? #1 has to be your health, because without that, there is nothing else.

    Have a great day.

  3. I wish you two a very happy anniversary! Twenty-five years is a major life accomplishment. May you have many more happy years together..LLAP.

  4. This is beautifully said. I want to steal it because it says so much about my wife of 21 years. It’s like you should be a writer or something…

  5. What a lovely tribute to Krissy and to your relationship. Congratulations on 25 years together and I wish you the next 50 you muse about!

  6. She might be a goddess, but she chose you, so you’re clearly right smack in the league where you belong. Happy anniversary! I was so pleased to say hello to her in the flesh, even though it was just for a moment. I hope you get another 27 years.

  7. Congratulations! My wife and I hit 25 years this past February 4th. I am NOT shorter than my wife, good thing. She said she would never date a man shorter than her.

  8. It’s honestly refreshing and adorable how much you gush about your wife. My wife and I celebrated 25 years last month, and it’s an accomplishment to be sure (I gush as well, we have both been fortunately to marry well out of our leagues). Congrats to you both, and may you find as much joy in the next 25 years :-)

  9. Happy twenty-fifth! This is a beautiful tribute to a beautiful marriage — may you indeed have twenty-five more, and many, many more beyond that!

  10. I took a marriage class once in college, and something the professor said has always stuck with me: CHOOSE your partner every day.

    I think you & Krissy have done so quite well! ❤ Happy Anniversary and may you have many, many more! 💖

  11. Happy Anniversary to you both! That’s a beautiful tribute you’ve written there! You should really consider becoming a writer. :)

  12. Happy Anniversary!

    We’re hitting 20 years today and are supposed to be in Portland on our first non-extended family non-wedding non-conference vacation ever, but alas, the pandemic. Still, conditional on being stuck at home, a wonderful partner makes it so much better.

  13. >she knows who she is and she’s good with it (this is an ability that confuses many many people)

    I’m slightly confused here. Did you mean

    *When Krissy exercises this ability, she leave many many people confused?

    or

    *When many many other people exercise this ability, they find themselves in a state of confusion?

    If the latter, is this where you got the idea for the Obin?

    PS-Congratulations.

  14. That’s lovely. Happy anniversary! Good marriages are something to treasure. I remember Krissy at the last San Jose WorldCon. The room where you were reading was too small and they asked people to leave for safety reasons. The first person out the door was your Krissy, exhibiting her thoughtfulness, consideration, and class.

  15. You said that you often get reminded that you punched above your weight class in marrying Krissy; judging from this essay, I’d say Miss Krissy did pretty darn well for herself, too. :-)

  16. Has Krissy articulated what she saw in *you*, to begin with? Your many apparent qualities that we have come to appreciate were no doubt hidden at first glance. What made her take a second glance in your direction?

  17. Happy Anniversary! This made me tear up a bit thinking about my own marriage. You helped Paul and I when we were figuring out our relationship, through Jane Sagan, and helped us with our wedding favors (best wedding favors ever!), and you continue to help us think about how we can keep being great partners to each other when you talk about your own marriage. So, thanks to Krissy for deciding you were the one, so you can be a good marriage counselor for us! :D

    Also, Kevin Grierson, that quote was part of our wedding ceremony. :)

    -Kathy Lehman

  18. It’s very refreshing every time you profess your love of Krissy. You’re both very lucky to be able to share that love for 25 years. Maybe she just realized you were in a different league altogether and she liked the guy from that league. With all those abilities she doesn’t sound like someone who would settle. After all, we should dance is not a question.
    Wishing you both many more years together and maybe next year you can post the song.

  19. Aw, that was lovely. The first thing that struck me about this picture was how much Krissy looks like Athena. Beautiful women in your life, Mr. Scalzi!

    Congrats and may you enjoy your golden anniversary as much as the silver.

  20. Happy anniversary! You are each lucky to have found the other, and smart enough to hang on. Great work!

    (My husband of a mere 18 years and I are much the same. In fact, my constant, evident joy over my husband is a family joke.)

  21. Huzzah!
    Congratulations to you both, and may there indeed be many more delightful volumes to write!

  22. Congratulations! An appreciative on both sides marriage/relationship is the best kind. What I notice is that simultaneously mine feels like forever and almost no time at all…

  23. We were talking with my dad about life once, and he said he and my mom had been married for 50 years and he’d never regretted it once. Then he thought for a little bit. Then he got up, saying “I think I ought to go tell her that.”

    Congratulations! It’s a rare thing.

  24. Congrats to the two of you! May you have many more. Wife and I hit 25 back in September,, and time sure has flown. Lucky is the word I use also, especially since she has survived cancer twice. Not sure what I’d do, or who I’d be without her.

  25. Congratulations on your anniversary and here’s hoping you have many more! Yes, I did notice she is taller than you. ;>)

  26. Congratulations! That’s quite a milestone. I’m sorry that COVID-19 is interfering with your trip, but you’ve got the marriage and that’s the real prize. Our 25th comes up in 2022. I’m hoping that things will have settled down enough that we can take a special trip. And that we still have our health and aren’t broke. You know, I’ll settle for still having our health.

    I really enjoyed hearing and/or reading the story about how you took the dance class in spite of being a total nerd and that helped you win the lovely lady.

  27. Congratulations! 25 Years is great. My husband and I will celebrate our 54th anniversary tomorrow. Time goes faster than you think and even faster the older you get.

  28. So I’ve read your blog for a decade or so and this is the first time I’ve realized how similar Krissy (as described here) appears to be to Jane Sagan. You’ve probably answered this before, but did you consciously draw on her significantly in devising that character (especially in The Last Colony)? Or if not, do you agree, in retrospect, that you may have done so unconsciously?

  29. I beg to differ with the people who say that your health is the most important thing. Health is important, no question – it’s great. But love and caring are more important. My husband is now in his sixth year of a terminal diagnosis. Barring the apocryphal bus, we know what will kill him, though we don’t know when, per se. We just know he’s on borrowed time – hard to miss, when every other patient he met with his same diagnosis when he was first diagnosed, has been dead for at least three years. And as hard as they have sometimes been, I will take all of the last six years, and every minute more we can get. I still love him, and I still love being married to him. (We hit 30 years next year.)

  30. I’m gushing over here. Your love is one of the most adorable things in the world. It’s almost impossible to not be swept up by it.

    Happy anniversary!

  31. Congratulations.
    You reminded me that my dad regularly said mom was smarter than he was. Back in the sixties, many also thought he was flattering her. As a six year old, I was ticked that they thought dad was lying. They both were smart and their intelligences complemented each other.
    Congratulations, and thanks for the memory.

  32. She has the ability to size up people and situations better than anyone I know, and has a capacity for straight-line thinking that has to be seen to be believed. … She is kind and good, and you will never have a better friend than you will have in Krissy, provided she’s decided she wants to be your friend.

    At least these two are traits that my wife, Heather, shared with her. We had been married for just under 33 years, and good friends for 7 years before that, when she died four weeks ago, of cancer. Your joy gives me both joy in remembering the best parts of my own marriage, and great heartbreak in feeling its loss.

    Obviously, there’s no need to tell you to treasure what you have, because you clearly do.

  33. Ugh. Apparently, the ‘quote’ tag isn’t supported. I should have put quote marks around that first paragraph, sorry.

  34. Happy anniversary! I first met you at Aussiecon, coincidentally on my wedding anniversary. I got a signature from you for my wife — you wrote ” Being married is awesome!”

Comments are closed.