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Athena Scalzi

Here, Have A French Fry Ranking

The other day, I went to Culver’s with my friend, and there I saw it: The Crinkle Cut fry, the second worst kind of french fry in existence. This disgustingly-cut french fry gave me the grand idea to make a post ranking all the French fries. It’s not like I haven’t already had them ranked accordingly in my head for years, so why not share my list with all you lovely people?

I wanted to see if a post like this had been done before, which, it totally has. But in my research I found this image from Food Republic:

I figured this was a pretty good base to start with. I will essentially be re-ranking the potatoes that are shown here, and also removing some. Basically I’m just going to fix this list, because, look at how wrong it is!

First, let me tell you which ones I’m cutting from the ranking list entirely.

Tater tots and the potato tornado: Not french fries. Obviously.

Garlic fries, cheese fries, and chili cheese fries: Except for shakable seasonings (salt being the usual), you can’t add anything. This is a purist french fry ranking. If you add something completely different like chili, you’re not just judging the fries anymore. And you could just put the chili on top of any type of fry so the kind of fry doesn’t really matter anyway.

Chips, pommes soufflés, and Belgian fries: Chips are just another name for fries, I’ve never tried pommes soufflés (obviously I’m very uncultured), and I’ll just throw out the other European style while I’m at it.

Okay, now that you know what not to expect to see on the list, let’s get started!

1. Curly fries. The obvious choice. They’re unique, have a fun design, and are by far the crispiest and most well-seasoned type of fry.

2. Waffle fries. Again, fun shape and are almost always well seasoned and crispy. Their reliability to come through on the crispiness is less so than curly fries, so it gets second place.

3. Sweet potato fries. Like regular fries but better. Plus you can put like, cinnamon honey on these bad boys.

4. Regular/standard cut fries. Nothing wrong with ol’ reliable.

5. Shoestring fries. Pretty much never crispy and you have to eat like five of them to equal one regular fry, but not bad by any means. If you’re going to put cheese on top of any fry on this list, make it shoestring and eat it with a fork.

6. Steak fries. Too thicc. Can’t get properly crispy as a result. And steak fries are always the kind they give you at fancy restaurants. They think they’re so high and mighty. Steak fries just seem like they’d be snobby.

7. Smiley fries. Okay, I adore the shape of these and all the nostalgia behind them, but based on taste and texture alone they’re only seventh on this list. If you have some ketchup with them, though? They’re pretty great. Definitely didn’t deserve to be last on Food Republic’s list.

8. Cottage fries. Exactly like the smiley fries but without the smile. Boring. I do like the name, though.

9. Crinkle cut. They’re always either so soft that they break upon being handled or dipped in condiments, or they’re like, rock hard for some reason. Like specifically the stupid pointy ends are always hard. And always severely under-seasoned.

10. Potato wedges. Literally just a slice of a potato. Not even really a fry in my opinion, definitely the worst type of potato dish in existence. How they managed to be 13th out of 18 on Food Republic’s list is beyond me. They’re awful and mushy and flavorless and the skin is on them! Fuck potato wedges.

(Side note, there is a potato dish called home fries that I really like, but despite having fry in the name, I don’t really consider them fries at all since they’re just like, cubed potatoes so they did not make this list. But they are good.)

So, yeah, there’s the correct ranking of french fries. Feel free to be wrong in comments if you disagree with this list. And have a great day!

-AMS

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