So you’re here to learn the title of the novel I just completed.
Excellent, because I’m about to tell you the title of the novel I just completed.
The title has four words, three of which are nouns, and one of which is a definite article. Twenty-seven letters, of which twelve are vowels, which strikes me as a statistically large amount.
Are you ready? Are you excited?
Fine! Here it is, then.
What is it about?
It’s about a society that preserves kaiju! Look, it’s all right there in the title.
Why do kaiju need preserving?
Because otherwise they might spoil.
Is that a serious answer?
Seriously, is this, like, “preserving” as in saving an endangered species, or “preserving,” like pickling something?
Dude, do you know how large a jar you’d need to pickle a whole kaiju?
So, the first.
No, I’m legitimately asking how large that jar would need to be. Asking for a friend.
I’m now beginning to doubt that this is an actual title of an actual novel.
BWA HA HA HAH HA no seriously it is, honest.
Sure, why not.
Damn it, Scalzi!
All right, fine, seriously serious, this is the title of my next novel.
Can you give us any details about the book?
Sure. It’s about kaiju. And friendship. And explosions.
Pretty much covers it, yes.
You know that kaiju really can’t exist, right?
Because of the square-cube law.
(Pulls up the file for the novel, starts to drag it into the trash)
Wait, stop! I didn’t mean I wanted you to delete your novel!
(drags it a little further toward the trash icon)
(wiggles the file over trash icon)
I mean, I’m sure you as a science fiction writer already knew about the square-cube law and have thought of some innovative and creative way to get around it!
There, that’s better.
(moves the file away from the trash)
I’m sorry I doubted you.
You should be.
Why did you write this novel?
No, I mean, what inspired this particular idea?
Oh. Honestly I don’t know, the idea literally clunked into my head one day and the next I started writing it. But really, who doesn’t love a good kaiju?
Nearly the entire citizenry of Tokyo?
I mean, fair point.
Do you, in fact, offer anything new to the whole kaiju mythos?
Not at all, I have shamelessly stolen everything from other, better creators, barely stopping to file down the serial numbers.
I’ve heard that about you.
Really, I am just the worst.
One day you will be punished for your crimes against literature.
I know. But in the meantime, here we are!
Does this book resemble any of your previous books?
It’s more toward the Redshirts side of things than not.
So metatextual, snarky, and positively steeped in pop culture?
Well, I meant it was short, but, sure, those things too.
When will it be coming out?
Because that’s when Tor wants it to come out.
But I want to read it now!
Then you can purchase the NFT version which I am happy to auction for ridiculous amounts of cash and/or cryptocurrency. The opening bid is six million dollars.
Nah. NFTs are terrible for the environment. Just be patient, okay?
Will you be having any new fiction coming out in 2021?
Probably. Stay tuned for more updates.
Final question: How many times does the word “fuck” appear in this book?
Well, as a hint, the original working title of this novel was Fuck! A Kaiju!
Is… that true?
Sure, why not.