Honestly, not much better.
I was taking Intro to Anthropology, as well as Physical Geology, with anthropology being online and geology being in person on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It seemed so manageable, so much easier than every previous semester I had ever been through, and yet I only passed one out of the two. Much to my surprise, the one I ended up passing was geology, which was honestly a lot harder than anthropology (in my opinion).
The semester started out the same as any other; with me in sixth gear, showing up to every class, completing every assignment to the absolute best of my ability, and I even made flashcards! I was managing to do everything I was supposed to be doing, and on time no less, even though I hated doing it.
I had an A in both classes until the middle of March, the halfway point of the semester. And then they both started slipping, as they always do. As per usual, I just got so tired of doing weekly assignments, watching video after video, completing lab after lab. I was just fed up with the never-ending onslaught of shit I didn’t care about.
And it’s not that I don’t find anthropology or geology interesting, or that I don’t like learning about some of the content, I just don’t want to write papers or be tested over it. It seems so meaningless to be tested on whether or not I can identify diorite or muscovite. Are they cool rocks? Sure. Do I think it’s essential to learn their chemical composition and then be graded over it? Not really.
I eventually stopped logging onto my anthropology class entirely, and watched from afar as my grade plummeted from an A to an F, simply because I didn’t do any of the assignments. I didn’t even bother to look at what the assignments were! I just knew I didn’t want to do them, so I didn’t.
As for geology, I only slid to a C before I realized I should maybe try to pass at least one class out of the entire year of failure, so I have something, anything, to show for the past year.
So how did I manage to pass geology? Well, every test was open book, and every lab was group work. I never really learned anything. I just scraped by on what info I could find in the book and the hard work of my fellow classmates. If it hadn’t been for the girl sitting next to me, and the entire textbook at my fingertips, I genuinely don’t think I would’ve come even remotely close to passing.
I have nothing to show for my semester of geology, other than knowing that olivine crystallizes at 1200 degrees, whilst quartz crystallizes at 600 degrees. Truly remarkable.
On the bright side, I wasn’t the only one that had no idea what the hell was going on in class. In fact, before every class, all ten of my classmates and I would talk about how we didn’t understand a single thing, how we just bullshitted every question, squeaked by on answers we found online, none of it truly made any sense to us. We just needed to pass, that doesn’t mean we actually had to learn anything.
And that’s how all of college is, actually. You just need an A. You don’t need to know what the fuck is going on, as long as you pass, and then you get your little paper. That’s all that matters in the end. That damn piece of fucking paper. The bane of my existence and the object of all my desires (anyone watching Bridgerton?).
I’m so sick of striving for something that says “I’m worthy”. Because without that thing, I feel worthless. And the longer it takes me to get it, the more semesters I waste, the more F’s I get along the way, the worse I feel.
Who am I without that paper? A failure? A waste of space? It feels that way.
If it hurts so bad, why don’t I just pass? Why can’t I just do what needs to be done? Why can’t I do the one thing that would make this feeling go away forever? I just want it to be over, and it feels like it never will be. There’s always more. After my associates, I’ll need a bachelors, because lord knows there’s nothing you can do with just an associates nowadays. And honestly, is a bachelors even worth anything anymore? You practically need a masters to make a decent salary at this point.
In my farewell post back in August, I said all I had to do was pass eight classes. Four in the fall, four in the spring, and I would finally have my associates. But I only passed one. One fucking class out of what was supposed to be eight. I was supposed to be done right now. But there’s still seven classes to go. And five of those classes are ones I already took that I failed that I now have to retake! So that feels very not good.
So, I passed one class, making it the first I’ve passed since Fall Semester 2019 at Miami. So at least that’s something.
Currently, I’m debating whether or not to go back in the fall. Originally, I was supposed to do classes over the summer, but I think I might go insane if I do, so instead I am going to do lots of fun things this summer and try to enjoy life a little!
But, yeah, that’s where I’m at right now, in degree-less limbo. A purgatory of the same courses over and over again. A vast expanse of transcripts filled with F’s and W’s.
We’ll see how long I remain there.