I Was Left Unsupervised: A Twitter Thread

Recorded here for posterity, which will question why I bothered.

I have been left unsupervised.

Hey, package of Oreos and a jar of Hellman's real mayonnaise.

They say we have strayed from the sight of God. I say, God sees all… And chooses inaction.

A healthy dollop of mayo in a glass ramekin, with the Oreos still in their package.

It is time to move humanity out of its comfort zone, beyond its antiquated ideas of what should and should not be. A new age is dawning. You are all witnesses.

Several Oreos are now out of the package and into their own ramekin. The mayo still sits in its ramekin, waiting.


The Oreos are now being crushed into smaller bits while the Mayo sits, waiting. Expecting.

They say genius is not understood in its time

Finally I know the infinite awe of Robert Oppenheimer as he beheld his terrible creation

The Oreos and Mayo, finally, inevitably, joined.

We pause to let the flavors steep for a bit. Here's a dog whilst we wait.

Yes, she has been watching the whole thing. She doesn't judge. She knows important work is being done.

Back to it

Mayoreo, sweet gerkins, bananas, gummy chicken feet and macaroni salad, and, of course, tortillas.

First, split the banana lengthwise and set it on the tortilla.

The banana being gutted with a butterknife.

Step two: add the mayoreo to the center of the split banana.

By this time, the Mayo Oreo combination has taken on a disturbing dark brown color.

Step three: time to add the gherkins!

The dark green gherkins are now on the dark disturbingly brown myo Oreo combination, this is a color profile that was perhaps not meant for culinary discovery.

Step four: lightly nestle macaroni salad to the side of the mayoreo-and-gherkin-filled banana.

The macaroni salad in this case has pasta shells with more mayo and more pickles. So actually it's just almost recursive at this point.

Step five: gummy chicken feet at both ends of the banana, because, I mean, OBVIOUSLY

Honestly this is yellow and red gummy chicken feet are probably the most controversial aspect of this incipient burrito.

Step six: wrapped and rolled and into the microwave

Step seven: garnished with whipped cream and crushed Oreos. Charlie silently bears witness to history.

Let's face it, this burrito is not the worst thing that Charlie has ever seen me make.

The all-important cross-section.

You can see the banana! And the gherkins! And the macaroni salad! It's all there! Don't forget the mayoreo! It's that brown stuff right in the middle!

And now the moment you've all been waiting for and/or fearing was inevitable: the taste test.

Epilogue: To atone for my sins, I have made a donation to a local food panty serving my county. If you have somehow made it to the end of this thread, I encourage you to do likewise in your own community.

Also: Don't make Mayoreo. It's not good. Thank you.


(Food pantry, not food panty. LOOK I HAVE A STOMACHACHE OKAY)

Originally tweeted by John Scalzi (@scalzi) on July 23, 2022.

— JS

78 Comments on “I Was Left Unsupervised: A Twitter Thread”

  1. What on earth did you expect from this concoction? Most of us know not to try this!

  2. If only it had exploded in the microwave think of the millions of hits you would have got.

  3. Thank you, Sir, for that horrifying and graphic illustration of the old adage about idle hands and the Devil.

  4. Not to be pedantic, but since you wrote, “I have made a donation to a local food panty…” I must ask if this is a type of edible underwear.

  5. My very tentative diagnosis based on the post as a whole is: fully recovered; the stomach-ache may be related to something you ate.

    The null hypothesis is that mayonnaise and whipped cream are substitute goods. This is a new area. The study is under-powered, but suggestive.

    We know that whipped cream and hot chocolate can function as complementary goods (https://www.hsto.info/iis-ru/ec111/dl/chap04_qu.pdf) so that suggests further experiments in that direction.

    One can also explore the known substitutes for whipped cream in this burrito (https://www.verywellfit.com/the-best-substitutes-for-whipping-cream-5212124).

    I’m assuming here that the burrito will work with whipped cream, and I’m not sure whether that was tested previously. It would be worthwhile to lay down a baseline.

    By the way, at this point you really need IRB approval for biomedical experiments involving human subjects. Unless there’s a clerical exemption. IANAL.

  6. What we have seen, can not be unseen. Yikes! As you used a banana in this affront to God, I’d call it a Satan’s Sundae.

    I had friends like you in the dorms, but they had the decency to be drunk or really high to try something like that. Hmm, COVID did effect you… ;-)

  7. Hwil Hweaton as The Doctor – er, “Traveler” – is using his Wibbledy-Wobbledy Timey-Wimey powers to punish you for your assaults on burritos by Force Persuading you to try this abomination –

    Oh, c’mon! They got DOCTOR WHO in my STAR TREK already – why wouldn’t they have Jedi Powers, too?

  8. First of all, I want whoever left John alone and unsupervised caught and made to eat…that culinary WMD.

  9. With the greatest respect in the world for you, sir, I far prefer reading about your daughter’s culinary adventures to yours.

    But I appreciate the tip to buy stock in Pepto-Bismol.

  10. I am reminded of the kind of foods cooked up by overly creative and energetic 5 year olds. Namely, to put everything you like together into one dish.

    Did your mother make you eat it?

  11. I could have, and would have, told you that this was a bad idea.

    Now I might need to record a video of how many times I yelled “NO…..NO…. DON’T DO IT. STOP RIGHT THERE JOHN. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.”

  12. You clearly have no shame, but you must have a cast iron stomach. I’m nauseated just reading to the end.
    What was Krissy’s reaction to this? Will you ever be left unsupervised again?
    If you ever consider anything remotely similar, I’d add a few chewable Pepto-Bismol tablets to the ingredients.

  13. Today’s my 66th birthday, John, and while I appreciate the effort and the documentation of the abomination, I don’t recall asking for this. Nonetheless, I think you’ve already been punished enough by eating (some of?) the mayoreo, banana, gherkin, pasta salad, gummy chicken feet and whipped cream burrito atrocity.

  14. That mayoreo might have worked had you used Duke’s Mayo instead of Hellmans. C’mon man!

  15. I would have thought you had broken the timeline with this, but TOR fixed it buy signing Chuck Tingle to their Nightfire imprint.

    (and if you haven’t read his non-erotic horror novel “Straight” yet, please treat yourself)

  16. I used to be a deliveryman for a food company and we took food to a couple of food pantries here in town. Oh and your concoction reminds me of the stuff Elvis Presley used to like.

  17. For some reason, you left off the standard disclaimer: “Don’t attempt this at home.” Although I guess I might grudingly say that your review of that thing at the end of the reel and the stomachache comment might be deemed by some to be a disclaimer of sorts.

    In closing, all I can say is, “Good God man! Have you no shame?!?”

  18. I would have tried it, up until the gherkin. I don’t know what you were thinking on that one, but clearly that’s where it all went wrong.

  19. I could have tolerated everything until the gherkins and macaroni salad. Then just no.

  20. John, I love you, but this is a crime against humanity. I hope your family can get you the help you clearly need.

  21. @Jeff in Texas
    “For some reason, you left off the standard disclaimer: “Don’t attempt this at home.””

    I would argue that the photos rendered such a warning superfluous.

  22. Oh my laundry. That has vaulted into Most Disgusting Food Item of the decade. I salute your bravery. And, you have 8 years to top it. Bon Chance.

  23. Dude, I don’t think that’s a stomach ache. I think that’s permanent intestinal damage. Get a colonoscopy as soon as possible.
    You deserve it.

  24. This actually raises an important question. The video declares that this was pretty terrible, as any of us would have guessed. But how many of your other burrito crimes were terrible, and you just didn’t tell us?

  25. “Also: Don’t make Mayoreo. It’s not good. ”

    I’m pretty sure we already knew that.

  26. John, maybe it just needs more bacon?

    I strongly recommend checking out Cultmoo on Youtube and their Kitchen of Destiny videos.

  27. Maybe miracle whip instead of mayo (miracle whip is much sweeter)

    Other then that – WHO, exactly, were you trying to summon?!

  28. The question unanswered: WHY? Did this come from your twisted, scary mind? Or did you actually see something like this on the internet of all knowledge?

    Or were you auditioning for a demonic version of Master Chef?

    Inquiring minds want to know.

  29. This is fixable.

    Let’s start over by taking a fresh tortilla.

    Fold it half.

    Fold it in half again.


    Have an Oreo for dessert.

  30. Well I thought you were fine up until the pickles. But you’re saying the oreo/mayo combo made it wrong right from the start. maybe you should have taste-tested that before you assembled the burrito. (Just because it tasted terrible doesn’t mean it’s not a burrito.)

  31. My father’s father snack sandwich was peanut butter and mayonnaise. I tried it. Once.

  32. An abomination worthy of Cthulhu himself.

    Based on the comments, seems most people drew the line at the gherkins, not the mayoreo. Interesting.

  33. rowan,

    I drew the line at the mayoreo. The rest was just overkill. 😂 🤢

  34. The look on Charlie’s face says it all. You’re weird, human. And I lick my butt.

  35. Alien archeologists will identify the day “mayoreo” entered the lexicon as an inflection point in the decline of our species.

  36. My wife (from Dayton, ~20 miles away, although they do have some odd things about mayo there) confirms that this is most definitely NOT an Ohio thing, so this is either a Chicago thing or a Scalzi thing, either way … urgh!

  37. While I appreciate your kind attempt at hospitality, and I’m sure your gastronomic miracles are considered the height of fine cuisine on your native planet, I would like to explain that it appears completely toxic to humans.

    Perhaps you could just tape that… “burrito” to a cat and sell the NFT as a form of surrealistic art. You should have no doubt that it would be worth a fortune.

  38. I threw up in my mouth a little and donated to my local food shelf. Effective!

  39. With apologies to Gordon Lightfoot:

    Does anyone know where the love of God goes
    When Scalzi creates a burrito?

  40. I am a pretty intuitive cook. I have been doing it so long, a have reasonable good grasp of what flavors go together. Nonetheless, I could not wrap my brain around crushed oreo cookies in mayonnaise. There was no way those would ever go together. The earlier suggestion of replacing the mayo with marshmallow fluff has merit. Still, the pickles and macaroni salad might go well together, but not with marshmallow.

    Good for you for donating to the food pantry. My local food bank is at the top of my regular donation list. They do good.

  41. You know, if this had been done by anyone else I would assume it was performative clout chasing. But it was you so all I can say is enjoy your indigestion, you earned it. :D

  42. I dispute the fact that you were left unsupervised. I clearly saw a picture of Charlie there and he had a look on his face that clearly said “WTF are you doing?”

  43. Cthulhu?
    Do you want Cthulhu?
    Because that kind of abomination is how you get Cthulhu.

  44. Mayo-stuffed oreos are good for giving to children.

    “These are daddy-cookies. You can try one, but you probably won’t like it.”

    From then on, you can safely keep cookies in the house without running out.

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