I Was Left Unsupervised: A Twitter Thread

Recorded here for posterity, which will question why I bothered.

I have been left unsupervised.

They say we have strayed from the sight of God. I say, God sees all… And chooses inaction.

It is time to move humanity out of its comfort zone, beyond its antiquated ideas of what should and should not be. A new age is dawning. You are all witnesses.


They say genius is not understood in its time

Finally I know the infinite awe of Robert Oppenheimer as he beheld his terrible creation

We pause to let the flavors steep for a bit. Here's a dog whilst we wait.

Back to it

First, split the banana lengthwise and set it on the tortilla.

Step two: add the mayoreo to the center of the split banana.

Step three: time to add the gherkins!

Step four: lightly nestle macaroni salad to the side of the mayoreo-and-gherkin-filled banana.

Step five: gummy chicken feet at both ends of the banana, because, I mean, OBVIOUSLY

Step six: wrapped and rolled and into the microwave

Step seven: garnished with whipped cream and crushed Oreos. Charlie silently bears witness to history.

The all-important cross-section.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for and/or fearing was inevitable: the taste test.

Epilogue: To atone for my sins, I have made a donation to a local food panty serving my county. If you have somehow made it to the end of this thread, I encourage you to do likewise in your own community.

Also: Don't make Mayoreo. It's not good. Thank you.


(Food pantry, not food panty. LOOK I HAVE A STOMACHACHE OKAY)

Originally tweeted by John Scalzi (@scalzi) on July 23, 2022.

— JS

By John Scalzi

I enjoy pie.

78 replies on “I Was Left Unsupervised: A Twitter Thread”

Not to be pedantic, but since you wrote, “I have made a donation to a local food panty…” I must ask if this is a type of edible underwear.

My very tentative diagnosis based on the post as a whole is: fully recovered; the stomach-ache may be related to something you ate.

The null hypothesis is that mayonnaise and whipped cream are substitute goods. This is a new area. The study is under-powered, but suggestive.

We know that whipped cream and hot chocolate can function as complementary goods ( so that suggests further experiments in that direction.

One can also explore the known substitutes for whipped cream in this burrito (

I’m assuming here that the burrito will work with whipped cream, and I’m not sure whether that was tested previously. It would be worthwhile to lay down a baseline.

By the way, at this point you really need IRB approval for biomedical experiments involving human subjects. Unless there’s a clerical exemption. IANAL.

What we have seen, can not be unseen. Yikes! As you used a banana in this affront to God, I’d call it a Satan’s Sundae.

I had friends like you in the dorms, but they had the decency to be drunk or really high to try something like that. Hmm, COVID did effect you… ;-)

Hwil Hweaton as The Doctor – er, “Traveler” – is using his Wibbledy-Wobbledy Timey-Wimey powers to punish you for your assaults on burritos by Force Persuading you to try this abomination –

Oh, c’mon! They got DOCTOR WHO in my STAR TREK already – why wouldn’t they have Jedi Powers, too?

I am reminded of the kind of foods cooked up by overly creative and energetic 5 year olds. Namely, to put everything you like together into one dish.

Did your mother make you eat it?

I could have, and would have, told you that this was a bad idea.

Now I might need to record a video of how many times I yelled “NO…..NO…. DON’T DO IT. STOP RIGHT THERE JOHN. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.”

You clearly have no shame, but you must have a cast iron stomach. I’m nauseated just reading to the end.
What was Krissy’s reaction to this? Will you ever be left unsupervised again?
If you ever consider anything remotely similar, I’d add a few chewable Pepto-Bismol tablets to the ingredients.

Today’s my 66th birthday, John, and while I appreciate the effort and the documentation of the abomination, I don’t recall asking for this. Nonetheless, I think you’ve already been punished enough by eating (some of?) the mayoreo, banana, gherkin, pasta salad, gummy chicken feet and whipped cream burrito atrocity.

I would have thought you had broken the timeline with this, but TOR fixed it buy signing Chuck Tingle to their Nightfire imprint.

(and if you haven’t read his non-erotic horror novel “Straight” yet, please treat yourself)

For some reason, you left off the standard disclaimer: “Don’t attempt this at home.” Although I guess I might grudingly say that your review of that thing at the end of the reel and the stomachache comment might be deemed by some to be a disclaimer of sorts.

In closing, all I can say is, “Good God man! Have you no shame?!?”

@Jeff in Texas
“For some reason, you left off the standard disclaimer: “Don’t attempt this at home.””

I would argue that the photos rendered such a warning superfluous.

This actually raises an important question. The video declares that this was pretty terrible, as any of us would have guessed. But how many of your other burrito crimes were terrible, and you just didn’t tell us?

The question unanswered: WHY? Did this come from your twisted, scary mind? Or did you actually see something like this on the internet of all knowledge?

Or were you auditioning for a demonic version of Master Chef?

Inquiring minds want to know.

This is fixable.

Let’s start over by taking a fresh tortilla.

Fold it half.

Fold it in half again.


Have an Oreo for dessert.

Well I thought you were fine up until the pickles. But you’re saying the oreo/mayo combo made it wrong right from the start. maybe you should have taste-tested that before you assembled the burrito. (Just because it tasted terrible doesn’t mean it’s not a burrito.)

Alien archeologists will identify the day “mayoreo” entered the lexicon as an inflection point in the decline of our species.

My wife (from Dayton, ~20 miles away, although they do have some odd things about mayo there) confirms that this is most definitely NOT an Ohio thing, so this is either a Chicago thing or a Scalzi thing, either way … urgh!

While I appreciate your kind attempt at hospitality, and I’m sure your gastronomic miracles are considered the height of fine cuisine on your native planet, I would like to explain that it appears completely toxic to humans.

Perhaps you could just tape that… “burrito” to a cat and sell the NFT as a form of surrealistic art. You should have no doubt that it would be worth a fortune.

I am a pretty intuitive cook. I have been doing it so long, a have reasonable good grasp of what flavors go together. Nonetheless, I could not wrap my brain around crushed oreo cookies in mayonnaise. There was no way those would ever go together. The earlier suggestion of replacing the mayo with marshmallow fluff has merit. Still, the pickles and macaroni salad might go well together, but not with marshmallow.

Good for you for donating to the food pantry. My local food bank is at the top of my regular donation list. They do good.

You know, if this had been done by anyone else I would assume it was performative clout chasing. But it was you so all I can say is enjoy your indigestion, you earned it. :D

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