The World’s Biggest Pooper Scooper

Because we live in the country and are not hooked up to the village of Bradford water supply, we have a septic tank, and because we have a septic tank, every five years or so the county comes by to check on it and make sure it’s in working order. The last time, everything was in order except for one particular part — think of it as a router for what’s coming out of our house — so we needed to get that repaired and upgraded. Here are the gentlemen who are doing that. They will also be cleaning out the septic tank. So I guess you could say that we’re dealing with a lot of shit today, here at the Scalzi Compound.

Also, no, I’m not sorry I just made that pun. Not sorry at all.

— JS

20 Comments on “The World’s Biggest Pooper Scooper”

  1. Been there. First house, we noticed some “black gold” in the yard, which explained why the garden was growing so wildly–like, we didn’t plant tomatoes, but they came up from seed on their own and were 6 feet tall. Had to replace the field.

  2. Mike Rowe did a Dirty Jobs segment once with a guy who works in the sewer of a major city. Mike asked him how he wound up doing this job. Turns out the guy used to be a psychotherapist but, said the guy, “this shit washes off at the end of day.”

    I think about that quote a lot.

  3. In my distant youth, I had a brief summer job as a bin man. We drove around the nicer parts of Surrey and collected the rubbish from suburban householders and the occasional rock star. The plum job was reckoned to be the cess-pit truck, which would tool up to the remote country cottage, connect the hose and relax as the truck sucked up the liquids

  4. Mine was replaced many years ago by a hookup to the city sewage system. Working in the cesspool has to be a nasty job. Pumping it out, not so bad.

    We, who do not have to do this, can be thankful.

  5. hitting a new low…

    …I’m not a fan of you circulating shit jokes

    so urine in trouble…

    …as the Brit’s say, “that takes the piss”

  6. For the fortunately uninitiated, a septic system consists of an underground tank in which the solids are collected and dissolved by bacteria. Tank sizes can range from 1K to 3K gallons, usually based on the number of bedrooms in the home. Then there is an outlet pipe extending about halfway down into the tank which consist primarily of liquid rather than solid waste. That pipe is connected to a distribution box (or series of them) to which a number of long perforated PVC pipes called fingers are buried a few feet deep and parallel to one another roughly 6’-10’ apart (called a septic field) in which the waste water is distributed into the ground. Field sizes vary as well. My former 3 BR home had a 1,500 gallon tank and ~300’ of piping for the field.

    That system was a replacement for an old failed one – something you never want to experience! After so many years finger pipes can clog with soil or tree roots, and/or the soil in the field can become saturated such that the waste water can no longer leach into the ground.

    Believe me, I wish I knew none of this but when you have no access to a municipal sewage system, septic is what you get! Oh, and if you have a bathroom in a basement that’s lower than your tank, you need a lift station that pumps the sewage up into the tank. Unfortunately, lift stations aren’t specific to septic systems; if your basement is below the city sewage lines you’re still going to need one!

  7. I have to get my septic tank pumped out every other year. Last year, the guy who came out had “This vehicle full of political promises” painted on the back ok the tank. It made me laugh.

  8. I saw your other “septic” comment on twitter. Seems to be getting pretty deep around the Scalzi Compound today.

  9. Never be ashamed of a pun. James Joyce made a whole novel out of them, and if they’re good enough for him they are good enough for any writer.

    I believe Shakespeare also dropped a few.

  10. Well, I’m not sure if YOU are dealing with a lot of shit, but apparently, these two gentlemen are lol.

  11. LOL! My Brother used to live where they had a septic tank so I know the drill! And I was a medical courier for a while, carrying “samples” from medical labs. I told my friends: “You think you deal with shit on your job?” :D

  12. Genuine question: Does this mean the septic tank is totally out of commission for the day, and if so were you all still able to use the home facilities?

    Genuine question because I can’t think of a good poo-based joke that isn’t a turd.


  13. Help me understand! In a republican county in a republican state, where they’re obsessed by government overreach, someone comes and inspects your septic system every 5 years??

    I’ve lived with septic systems (and had the whole business of having to replace failed ones) for over three decades, in one of those countries Americans like to call “socialist”, and nobody has ever checked my system except me and the people I call to pump it (about every 5 years — two people in a system built for a family of 6 is not a big load).

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